I Hate Myself

I'm not the kind who can get work done way before the deadline.
I'm not the kind who can concentrate and get work done as quickly as possible.
I'm not the kind who can do work. Period.

I hate myself.

Everytime when there's a deadline, I'd be all hung up over the idea of actually sitting down and get work done, and I'd end up doing last minute work and end up hating what I've done. I tried to do work earlier, but I can't get myself to concentrate, and deep down I know that the deadline is not so soon so I procrastinate, and then before I know it, I'm screwed.

It's a horrible viscious cycle. I would start out fine, having great ideas for my essay, plan my work, do research, do an outline, be all smug about everything, then poof! I can't get down to the actual writing, and then the P bug sets in and I'm screwed.

It doesn't help that I'm busy with my stuff, school, work, friends, and distractions. Let me see what are my latest distractions.

Handphone game.
I'm hooked to Snakes. The Nokia one, the latest version one, well, at least to me is considered quite latest le. It was fun trying to crack each stage, then when I finally cracked all stages, there's the challenge in aiming for a higher high score. Then there's also the fun in exploring each stage for bonus stuff like getting letters to form NOKIA and/or SNAKES. Or just see the other alternative routes.

Facebook.
Let's just face it. I can be sending gifts to everyone even though I haven't met them in ages, and it's goddamn addictive. Other than decorating my room, I decorated Someone's room for him. Then I decorated my aquarium. Then I added in a map that lists all the places I've been to. Then I send more gifts to people. Then there's the huge fun of looking at other people's friends and see which ones of those are also my friends and I add them. It's crap. And it's addictive. And the best of all, it's huge waste of time.

Others.
I can't think of others. Perhaps blogging and reading other people's blogs, but I've cut down on my reading of blogs by a lot already, so it's not counted. And as you can see from the archives, ever since I started school there's a steady drop in the number of posts. And there's also my sausage blog, which sad to say has also been neglected. I just haven't got around to eating sausages and taking pictures and blogging about them when I don't even have the time to do work, after I've wasted all the time I have.

Someone was telling me a couple of days ago that he spent three hours in the comp lab at AS7 and completed his 2000 word essay, but without the footnotings and stuff la. But since then he has already completed the full paper, and his deadline is next Wednesday, compared with mine. This coming Friday and I'm still 986/5000. Then just now he was telling me that his other 2500 word essay, which I also have to do, the deadline being 29.10. and he was 1000 away from completing it. Crap, I haven't even thought about it yet. Then as I was lazing about in pain and agony, he a worked on my computer and after a bit he announced that he has finished with his essay.

Why can't I be like him? I so hate myself for being me, with the determination of a toufu, and the willpower of a vegetable.

I just can't seem to get myself from getting things done. And here you see me, rather than typing words for my essay, I'm rambling here and adding to my huge word count for the blog. I can't seem to understand why I can be so word heavy in my blog but so constipated in my essays. Remind me again how screwed I am.

hai...

I better go back to my frigging essay again. Don't think I can sleep tonight and tomorrow night le.