Shan's Tale

Shan’s tale

Shan was brought up as a devout Catholic, but Catholicism was not the defining point of her life. Shan was a sweet girl, fiercely loyal and devoted to her husband, caring mother to her children, patient listener to all her friends, and indeed was nothing anyone could bring to hate. The only importance Catholicism has on her life is her belief against pre-marital sex and divorce.

The belief against pre-marital sex is somewhat an obsolete belief in her current life since she’s married with kids, but right until her marriage day, her husband had not even seen her naked breast, much less other more intimate details.

Before her marriage, she would sometimes wonder in fear whether Ming would leave her as she could not bring herself to fulfil his sexual desires. It was clear in Ming’s eyes that fiery passion burned within even though he told her he respected her and would hence respect her faith. Once in a while she would fantasise Ming forcing himself upon her, she knew she would find it difficult to resist him, but true to his word, Ming respected her.

Even after their marriage, Shan often found herself unable to satisfy Ming’s needs. Being a virgin and an innocent and shy young girl, she never knew how to be creative in bed. And Ming, being the respecting fine young man, never pressed for more with Shan. Sex to them was merely a procreating avenue. Shan would lie in bed and Ming would hump her till ejaculation. Then he would flip over and the both of them would fall asleep. Everything was a mechanical process.

Shan could tell from Ming’s eyes that he wanted more adventures in bed, and it was not about the quantity of the sex, but the quality of it rather. She knew she failed him in the department, but it was difficult for her to muster up courage to try out something different with Ming. Sometimes, she would fantasise Ming leading her and guiding her to do something she had never tried before, but Ming, being the respecting young man never pressed for more with Shan.

Shan met Ming at a mutual friend’s fathering and were instantly attracted to each other. Shan saw Ming as a nice and sensible young man who respected everyone for who they were. Ming was attracted to the nice and sweet gentle young woman in Shan and saw her potential to be that self-sacrificing loving wife and mother.

They hung out. They dated. And they started introducing each other as their significant others in front of other people. Shan could not remember who started it first or who made the move first because everything seemed to proceed on so gradually.

Even though Shan knew all of Ming’s friends after an extended dating period, Shan did not know much about Ming’s private life before he met her. And she never managed to find an appropriate time to ask him about it. Some of the friends claimed that they never heard Ming having a girlfriend until Shan’s presence in his life, but others thought that Ming had been in a relationship or two before. None was sure about it.

None except Scarlett. Scarlett was Ming’s best friend and the friend who knew most about him that she would sometimes put Shan green with envy. Scarlett once told Shan that she was indeed Ming’s first girlfriend, but added that Ming had dated many others before meeting Shan. Most of the time, Shan used Scarlett’s words as the benchmark even though her mind would wander off at times.

She could tell from Ming’s body language that he was not a virgin kisser, not a virgin at all. Hence, she often found herself wondering about all of Ming’s previous encounters with other girls. However, despite being a married couple and everything, Shan never dared to ask Ming anything about his previous relationships. And Ming never once offered her any details about it.

But Shan, despite her lack of experience in love, was still ultimately a woman. She has her womanly intuitions and was sensitive in mood changes around her.

Despite being so, she found it difficult to pinpoint the exact time and date when she realised this. Possibly it was after the marriage because she could not have brought herself to marry had she known about it. Maybe it was on their wedding itself where everyone’s emotions were accentuated.

Also, Shan, being the shy and timid Shan, never confronted Ming or Scarlett about it. She didn’t even dare tell anyone about her discovery.

She took in everything and acted as though nothing happened. Sometimes she would even attempt to convince herself that her discovery was in fact merely just a wild speculation on her part and everything was just thought up. After all, she has yet exacted a confession out from anyone, and as the usual court saying goes, innocent until proven guilty. Ming and Scarlett were innocent.

No matter how hard she tried to convince herself, it was no use. She knew what was going on. She knew.

She knew that Scarlett and Ming were seeing each other behind her back. Okay, Ming made it a point to notify Shan every time he brought back a DVD and brought it over to Scarlett’s place for a late night movie. But she knew, without Ming telling her, that sex transpired between them during the movie session.

What Shan was not sure was since when this has started between Ming and Scarlett. Shan knew that Ming had known Scarlett for the longest time, she was one of his oldest buddies. Ming had known Scarlett way before he met Shan, and during the early stages of their relationship, Ming had already introduced Scarlett to Shan. But at that time, Shan merely dismissed Scarlett as a normal platonic friend of Ming.

As Shan got to know Scarlett better, Shan got to know Scarlett’s various boyfriends too. She saw them come and go and even saw Scarlett double/triple/quadruple timing them, and she knew there were probably even more who never even made it to meet her. Unlike all of those boyfriends of Scarlett, Ming remained by Scarlett’s side for decades, leading Shan not to realise that something might have transpired between them.

However, as time passed, Shan sensed that growing jealousy Scarlett had towards her even though Scarlett never made it show. Then, after the wedding, Scarlett disappeared for a short period. She said she was posted overseas, but Shan felt the distancing Scarlett took in her relationship with Ming.

On the other hand, Shan too picked up certain vibes from Ming. At first, she sensed a slight awkwardness in Ming as and when she picked up the jealousy vibe from Scarlett, but with Scarlett’s disappearance, Shan felt a slight alteration in Ming’s personality. He became more irritable and distracted. She caught him masturbating and sobbing in the toilet a few times, but she never confronted him about it on every occasion.

Other than the fact that Shan was a shy and timid innocent young woman, there was another reason holding Shan back from seeking the entire truth. Shan was against divorce. There was no way she could see herself separated from Ming or her children. She knew that if she confronted either one of them, divorce would definitely be on the cards. And never was that an option to Shan.

Shan knew that if she confronted Ming about it, there was no way in her selfish dreams that she could tolerate sharing her husband with another. And she could not force Ming to pick between her and Scarlett.

Shan knew that Ming loved Scarlett more than anything else in the world.

Therefore, day after day, night after night, Shan put on a mask to hide what she knew and treated Ming and Scarlett like she normally would. Every evening, she would pray that Ming did not come home with a DVD and Ming did not leave home to watch that DVD with Scarlett and Ming not have sex with Scarlett.

But of course, sometimes Ming would bring a DVD home, and he would leave for Scarlett’s place to watch the DVD with her and have sex with her.

Shan could not complain, because, she was in fact Scarlett’s “the other woman”.

***

I've been writing about Ming, Shan and Scarlett for quite some time already, but there are still many tales that I can spin out of them, and more importantly, many other mysteries about them I've yet unravelled. Shan's Tale is a break from my usual narration of Ming and Scarlett, instead, bringing you into the deepest thoughts of Shan, to find out what she really thinks.

This was one of the two pieces I submitted for this year's GPA, and sadly to say, neither of them were chosen. Still, under the whole context of the other stories of Ming and Scarlett and Shan, this is one piece that I'll hold deep in my heart.

PS: Click on the label below to read more about Ming and the two women in his life.

Should I Stay Or Should I Go

Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

They have been together for more than a decade, and to take her this many years to think of this question seemed to be rather inappropriate. After all, they have been together for so long, why was there this need for a sudden change in the status quo.

After breaking up with her boyfriend number two, Scarlett thought of stopping contact with Ming. At first she thought that this was just a withdrawal symptom of a failed relationship and that she wanted to make use of Ming to hurt herself to compensate for the hurt she inflicted upon her boyfriend. However, even after getting back into the dating scene and acquiring more boyfriends, the naggy feeling of her wanting to leave Ming did not fade off.

Ming was different from her many boyfriends. Her many boyfriends recognised her as a girlfriend, brought her out to meet friends and have no idea about the relations Scarlett had with other men. How she managed to keep her many boyfriends out of each other's way and still could have enough time for all of them, and Ming, was a mystery to Ming, and was going to remain a mystery to him. Ming was different in that she knew about his personal life, he was married with a child. There was no way Ming could recognise Scarlett as a girlfriend, instead they met under the guise of being best friends. Best friends of more than a decade. Not just that, Ming too knew everything about Scarlett's private life. She made it a point to keep Ming updated about her every change in the statuses of her many relationships and her countless other flings.

In a way, Scarlett was probably tired of reporting her every move to Ming. After that break up, she realised that she did not feel like disclosing this news to Ming. She knew what Ming would say. He has been saying the same thing to her everytime she announced the exodus of a relationship. He would say, "Why don't you try staying true to one guy instead of spreading your love thin. Breaking up is good, one guy less, stay on and love the remaining few even more, okay, girl?"

Scarlett would then retort him back rendering him speechless, "And why don't you stay true to your dear Shan? Maybe we should break up, then you could love her with all your heart instead."

Although she did like all of her boyfriends somewhat equally, she did not really love them. Her first and foremost was someone else, someone she loved yet dared not love and very much afraid to let known her feelings even though she knew his. He loved her. His love for her was as simple as that, but her love was much more complicated. She was afraid of hurting him like she had done with others, she was afraid of hurting him with all the complications of her love, she was afraid of hurting him when one day she could not love him the same, and hence she decided to put that piece of love locked up in her heart and giving him the free rein to marry another girl and live a happy life but yet steadfastly remaining by his side.

As time went by, her feelings for him slowly took another shape. She was not very sure if she loved him the same way as she had when she was younger. Being older and ore jaded, Scarlett soon found herself craving for some form of security in love. She wanted a husband and a child to complement her successful career, but she did not bear to leave her boyfriends and her swinging incommitual lifestyle.

After replacing her ex-boyfriend with two new boyfriends, Scarlett reported that to Ming as usual.

"Ming, I picked up two new guys over the weekend," Scarlett reported. "One's a golf instructor, I met him over at the club, he's really very good looking and muscular. The other's that cute waiter I was telling you about the other time. He's so shy that he's so cute, too him this long to ask to get together with me. I just couldn't resist him."

"You know, Scarlett," preached Ming. "Perhaps you should try staying true to one guy instead of spreading your love thin. How would that finance manager you've been dating for the past couple of months feel about this? He'd be so heartbroken."

Scarlett bit her lip. Her usual retort was at the tip of her tongue when she thought about the consideration of breaking up with Ming. With not much to lose and regret, she took the plunge with a more callous approach.

"Perhaps we should break up then," said Scarlett in a serious tone. "I can then concentrate my love on fewer people. At least I know that they can be true to me. Perhaps, I might even pick one of them to marry and have kids with. I can feel my bio-clock ticking."

"What do you mean?" asked Ming, quite taken aback.

"I'm not that young anymore. I need some form of security in my life. I need a child."

"Who are you thinking of marrying?"

"It doesn't matter much, does it? It can't be you anyway."

Ming looked away from Scarlett. A simple retort from her struck his heart painfully, but yet a part of him felt happy that finally she admitted, though indirectly, of her feelings for him. Just that it all came too late. "You gave up that chance, don't forget," replied Ming, trying to deflect the blame away from himself.

"I didn't. Hey, didn't we agree on not seeing each other after your marriage? You really should stay true to Shan, love her, and not hurt her."

"She's quite happy with things as they are now."

"Would she be happier if we broke up, Ming?" asked Scarlett quietly. "My heart breaks everytime I lie to her. I'm tired of being the two faced creature in front of her. She's too nice for me to do this to her. And Tian, she's such a sweet little baby."

Tears streamed down her cheeks quite unexpectedly. She has always kept her emotions to herself but there was something emo about her tonight which led her to let her feelings go out of control.

Ming reached out his hand and wiped the tears off Scarlett's vulnerable face, gently brushing her and caressing her cheeks. He was not unaware of her vulnerability and was thus not shocked by her breakdown. Instead, the strong feelings of love he had for her was reignited by her display of emotions. She did have had feelings for me, he thought, smiling contentedly to himself.

However, that same display of emotions reminded him of his commitment to Shan. Mixed feelings ran high within him.

"Could you please leave me?" asked Scarlett tearfully.

"No." replied Ming instantaneously.

"Then, would you leave Shan instead?" asked Scarlett tentatively.

Ming stared at her hard.

"No," replied Ming finally.

A smile appeared across Scarlett's face. Perhaps it might just be possible to rectify a wrong decision made years ago.

The Last Date

The Last Date

Scarlett and Ming had known each other for more than ten years. They were friends for more than ten years. They were very good friends. In fact, they were so close to each other that most people around them often mistook them as a couple. But they knew that they were not as what people thought they were. Yes, sometimes they might kiss, sometimes they might do some other stuff, but they were still friends.

A couple of times Ming did want to take their relationship further, but every time when Scarlett sensed something like that was to happen, she would pre-empt him and involve herself with another guy. It was not too long later did Ming give up hope and found himself a girlfriend. Ming, being the good guy he was, was quite committed to his girlfriend, although sometimes things still happened between him and Scarlett. By this time, all those around them, even Shan, Ming’s girlfriend, came to accept that Ming and Scarlett were just very close friends. Of course, only Ming and Scarlett knew the truth.

Ming was the kind of person who wanted love and security. To him, Scarlett was the epitome of love. The passionate beauty who lit up his life and brought him immediate fun and joy, but he found no security in her. She had her slew of men, and wanted to make no commitments, and he knew that, he knew that she was involved with many men other than himself. Sometimes, she would proclaim herself to be in love with some guy, which would instantly disappoint Ming. In stark contrast, Shan was the perfect, faithful wife any guy could ask for. Even though Ming felt no burning passion for Shan, he knew he could count on her forever.

As time ticked on, Ming knew that the time has come for him to stop playing the field and settle down. He needed to get married. He needed to placate his parents, and to propagate before he could not make it. But did he really want to marry Shan? Or was he going to marry Shan but still continue his affairs with Scarlett? It was a tough decision for Ming.

One night, as Ming stayed over with Scarlett, he told her his thoughts, and made her a proposition.

“Would you marry me?” asked Ming.

Scarlett was taken aback by his sudden proposal. “What about Shan?” she asked.

“Nothing about her,” Ming said. And after a short pause and taking in the full connotations behind Scarlett’s words, he continued, “I’d of course break up with her, leave her, whatever.”

“What about her feelings?” Scarlett probed.

“What what about her feelings?” Ming was frustrated. He only wanted Scarlett to say yes. Once Scarlett said yes, he would break up with Shan, leave her and be happy with her. Shan was not in his plans. He did not care about her. He never knew what he wanted to do with her. Ming, in most people’s eyes, was a nice guy, a responsible person whom they could all rely on, but little did they know. However, in this Ming that stood before Scarlett, she saw nothing about that Ming everyone thought they knew.

“I won’t allow Shan to be unhappy.” declared Scarlett finally. Not that it was really because she did not want Shan to be unhappy, but it was the only excuse she could think of at this moment.

“I love you. I want to marry you. How do you feel about it?” Ming tried another stance.

“I don’t want to marry you,” Scarlett put it across as simply as she could.

That night ended with Ming leaving Scarlett’s place. He had some sort of expected Scarlett’s answer, he knew Scarlett well enough to know that she was not the kind of person who was willing to settle down. She did not even want to be his girlfriend, so why did he think that wife was ever a possibility.

Although earlier Ming appeared to be irresponsible and insensitive, he was actually very committed to his girlfriend. Since Scarlett did not want to marry him, and he wanted to marry, he was going to propose to Shan. He knew for sure that Shan would marry him. In fact, she has been talking about getting an apartment with him and having kids – even though they have yet had sex – and other aspects of married life.

A few nights later, Ming dropped by Scarlett’s place again.

“I’ll be marrying Shan,” Ming informed Scarlett.

“Am I supposed to congratulate you?” asked Scarlett.

“Maybe, if you want to,” replied Ming. “I think we should stop seeing each other,” Ming dropped the bombshell. “I’ll feel bad to Shan. I mean, all along, what I wanted was some form of security from her and I think it’s time for me to repay her with the sincerity that she’s been showering on me all the while. She’s a nice girl and everything.”

As Ming went on explaining, he was silently hoping that Scarlett would cut short his speech and say she wanted him instead, but she just watched on him just as silent as his hopes.

After Ming left, Scarlett felt a sense of loss. She had been together with Ming for more than ten years, even though she had never openly felt any love for Ming, she did have a part of her heart stuck onto Ming. As Ming was talking, many moments had Scarlett wanted to stop him and just hold him tightly in her arms forever, but she stopped herself. She knew clearly what kind of girl she was and what kind of girl Shan was. She also knew which girl was better for Ming. If she kept Ming by her side, Ming would never get to marry her. Even if marriage was not on their cards, she was also currently involved with two other men whom she was not planning to leave. This, she knew clearly, was not fair to Ming. He deserved better, he deserved a Shan who could give him her whole heart and soul and body.

However, as time wore on, as Scarlett saw Ming making wedding preparations with Shan, the more envious she felt. That could have been me, she thought, ignoring the other thoughts that cried out that it was also her who did not want to be in that position. Slowly, she drifted apart from Ming and Shan, partly because they did not need her around, but also partly because she could not bear to see them so sweetly together.

Slowly, Scarlett purged Ming out of her life. First, they stopped meeting up, then they stopped communication with each other, next Scarlett decided to return all of Ming’s stuff he had left at her place, clothes, DVDs, even the lovers’ couch they had bought together which they always used to sit on and watch DVDs together and sometimes spend the night on. One by one, piece by piece, Scarlett confronted all their past as she cleared out Ming’s personal items and all their memories.

Then she saw this lying in her drawer. A pair of concert tickets of their favourite rock group. A pair of tickets to a yet-to-be-held concert. They bought the tickets three months ago when they were first released so that they could secure the best seats, and indeed, there were to be seated in the first row, right in front of their idols. But that pair of tickets meant that Scarlett and Ming had to go on that last date two weeks later, the day after Ming and Shan were to be married.

to be continued...
(but will not be posted on the blog, what would follow would be the actual date and the resolvement of Ming and Scarlett and Shan)

1. Thanks to Aikhui who proof-read this piece even though I didn't ask him to. He has sharp eyes, and I have bad typing. He was the one who also helped me correct a word from Yu Yi.

2. This was written last semester during the time when I was collating pieces about Fuck Buddies, or Friends with Benefits, since some people think it sounds crude. Maybe it's because I was first exposed to the term FB that's why I tend to use the term Fuck Buddies instead.
Anyway, look at the insight which explains why I'm writing all these. And these other Ming and Scarlett and Shan pieces about their relationship. Each is a standalone story, each character is circumstantially different but fundamentally the same, if you understand what I mean.
Sorry.Bei Ying
The Revenge
Can We Return To The Old Times Again?

3. The characters are all taken from Scarlett Flight, only that I've given them different developmental circumstances. But I distinguished Adele from Scarlett because I want to let Adele be the victim, she deserves it. Anyway, even if Adele didn't die she won't turn out to be as fickle as Scarlett, so I'd leave only that distinct difference. Yes, and Ming is really not that bad a guy fundamentally.

4. Most importantly, all my writings are totally fictional and stemmed from my hyperactive imagination and not related to any persons dead or living. Any resemblence is either because you inspired me, totally coincidental, or a figment of your imagination.

羽翼

我站在一个角落从远方看着她，看着她自由自在地游走。在我心中，她就像花蕊中的蝴蝶，还是说她像大海中那条小小的鱼儿，或者是像天空中自由飞翔的小鸟。她就是这样，自由自在，毫无目的地游走，飞翔，不为任何事物所牵连。而我，就只是站在一旁，看着她，心里有一股安祥的感觉。还是说那种感觉是叫作幸福呢？可能吧。。。或者也是一种酸溜溜的妒嫉。

为什么我就是不能像她那般自由自在？不须要多加考虑那些无为的烦恼，还是那些痛苦的事。

我爱她。

我记得当我跟她说“我爱你”的时候，我心里就只是凭着那股爱的冲动，跟她告白了。也没想太多，也没去想到底今后的我们两个会是什么样子的。那时候，她也很欣然地说，她喜欢我。她喜欢我。我的爱，就换取了她的喜欢。当时后，因为心里的那股爱过于浓烈，我也没想太多，就接受了她的喜欢。我们在一起了。

在一起的时间，我们真得很开心。更明确的来说，我真得很开心。我在她旁边，有时候像她的儿子，受她照顾，受她呵护，有时候像她的父亲，照顾她，呵护她，有时候像她的哥哥，疼爱她，怜惜她，有时候像她的弟弟，被她疼爱，被她怜惜，有时候像她的朋友，一起开心愉快，一起做伴，聊起天下间所有的事，有时候像她的男朋友，爱她，有时候像她的老公，给予她自死不渝的承诺。

时间也过得真快，当我们越亲近的时候，我发现她似乎离我越来越远。我开始不知道她心里究竟在想些什么，她想的到底是不是跟我想的一样。是，我们能谈天，我们还能聊得很开心，就像好朋友一样，漫无目的的聊，但是就差那么一点点。我透不过她的心。我想知道她到底在想些什么，但是当我们在一起的日子，我发现我不能没有她。

她可以没有我，但我却不能没有她。

她是一个很独立的小女生。而我，却是一个，孤独终老，完全没有任何其他的恋爱经验，是一个年龄已高的老头子。我真栽在她手里。当我越是不了解她，我越是觉得我不能失去她。

即使分手，她也会继续走下去，找另一个会爱她疼她的人。而我呢？很难。。。 我要留住她。但是我也很想知道她心里究竟在想些什么。我很辛苦。辛苦中，带着一股幸福，又带着嫉妒，也带着害怕，多重复杂的心绪。

我就是这样的爱着她。就是这样被她喜欢着。

Unconsciously

They sat side by side, chatting, talking, discussing, engaged in their little conversation, quite oblivious to everything else happening beside them. Other chatterings were ignore, background noises faded into the darkness, if the whole world were to be kept at a standstill, they would still be together. Or at least, that was what she thought.

Of course, she had no idea what he thought. She had no idea if he thought the same about their little conversations. She had no idea if he saw her as important as she saw him to be to her. She had no idea what he was thinking under the farce of his outlook. Even though she wanted to know what he thought.

He rested his left elbow on the armrest just as she rested her right elbow at the very same armrest. She was conscious of their elbows touching each other, but she liked what she felt. Of course, she didn't know if he felt the same too. If time could reach a standstill for her, she wanted to be holding his hand, no wait, she wanted him to hold her hand for eternity. This was an impossibility however. Time to them was limited to a couple of hours a week, and even in that couple of hours, he seldom physically touched her, their contact was kept to a superficial minimal.

She knew, he didn't feel the same way about her as she felt about him.

As they continued their little conversation, subconsciously, as she spoke, she ran her fingers over his arms, slowly caressing his arm. She didn't realise what she was doing. By the time she realised, her hand was already tenderly rubbing his arm. But he showed no sign of acknowledgement. Did he realise what she was doing?

She started resenting the fact that he didn't show any sign of response. Somewhere deep in her, perhaps, she wanted him to return than little physical gesture although she knew that it was quite impossible. Inside her, she still hoped. No matter how dim that glimmer of hope is, she still carried it down. It was this little sort of hopes that motivated her to stick onto him, continue her adoration for him.

Maybe he did felt her little touch after all, at the end of the day. Little gestures, little hints, and the fact that he knew that she adored him greatly. She really wanted him to appreciate her. Sure she did like the feel of his skin on her fingers, but what matter most to her that he appreciated that. She really wanted...

He leaned forward to her for a little kiss as they parted.

Yes, she thought, maybe he did really noticed her after all.

Excerpts from Scarlett Flight

"Come on, Steven. Don't be like this. It pains us to see you like this," said Jade painfully. Tears were already uncontrollably flowing out of her eyes.

"I said don't call me Steven!" boomed Ming. He burst out, but after that he became deflated. He repeated himself again, but this time it sounded more like he was whining. "Don't call me Steven anymore... It's Ming. I'm Ming."

William stood behind Jade and gripped his wife's shoulders tightly. His eyes were red and teary. It appeared as though his grip on Jade was for his support. If he had not, he might have had collapsed.

"Ming..." William muttered.

"Ming..." Ming whimpered. "Ming..."

***

A petal from a red rose fell onto the ground. It fluttered in the wind, taking two turns before reaching its final resting place.

A red teardrop dripped across a face, a nameless face and fell across the air onto the ground with a big splat.

A red handkerchief fell off a pocket and floated onto the ground. The wind blew it half a metre off its course.

***

Adele lay in Ming's arms and whispered in his ears, "Steven, do you love me?" It was just like every other couple seeking a verbal reassurance after making love. Adele was no different from other females.

"Of course I do, Adele," Ming replied with the standard answer of all men.

"You are a nice guy, Steven," Adele said, a bit off the point of discussion regarding love. "You have a nice family, you have a nice future, you should have a nice girl too."

"I already have one, Adele."

"No, you need a nice girl from a nice family, with a nice future."

"Adele, nice is not determined by family background. Besides, nice is subjective. I think you are a nice girl, and so you will be a nice girl in my eyes. Always."

"I'm nice?" Adele asked. "I'm nice."

***

"What a sweet girl Candy is," Jade cooed. "She really suits her name right, William? She has the nose of Steven and yours, so upright and firm. She'll grow up to a beauty."

"Don't worry about things, Steven. We'd work something out somehow," William said grimly.

"How many times must I say before you remember, call me Ming!" Ming shouted hysterically at his parents. But after that outburst, Ming softened. "And don't call her Candy, call her Tian too. Her name's Jingtian."

Jade turned to stare at William. A look of pain, a look of doubt, a look of uncertainty, a look of questioning, a look of sympathy, all were written on her face. William looked away from her, not looking at Ming either. He could not bear to look at any of the pain upon both the people he loved the most in his life. Instead, he turned to Tian and touched her tiny face, an index finger was all that was needed to cover half of his granddaughter's tiny face.

"Why do you want to do this?" Jade asked, leaving out naming her son from the name he wanted her to use nor the name she wanted to use.

***

Standing in the bathroom facing the mirror after his shower, Ming stared at himself. He had a head of black floppy hair which his teacher always had to remind him to cut and which he never did. His face was well-defined and handsome despite his relatively young age. It had a tinge of jadedness which came along with maturity unique for a teenager his age. He had after all been through a lot over the past few months.

His eyes were blood red after nights after nights of crying and breaking down. Lines had started to form at the sides of his handsome face. His nose was red too, and slightly swollen, and that redness spread to the whole T-zone, and his cheeks under his tired eyes.

"So what if I look good?" he snorted to the image of himself. "So what?"

His eyes were still glued at the image he saw in the mirror. He was tall, and still growing. Like other growing teenagers, he was skinny, but on closer inspection, there were signs on his body indicating his active participation in sports. His abs were one of those tell tale signs.

Touching his chest lightly with his fingers and feeling his heart beat, Ming slowly brought his fingers down hus body, feeling his stomach and tracing the lines of his abs.

"So what if I've a good bod?" he smirked to the image of himself. "So what?"

His eyes finally came down to his groin. Instinctively, his head jerked away from that sight. He could not bear for his fingers to continue the path down his body. He hated his penis. He hated all that had happened after the damage caused by his penis. He hated his penis so much that he wanted to remove it from his life.

"After all the trouble you've caused, do you really expect to stay alive?" Ming questioned that image of his penis. "How can a murderer remain alive?"

Ming's gaze roamed away from the mirror and shifted onto the pair of scissors he had taken from the kitchen. He had prepared for this execution for quite some time already and it seemed like the time was up today.

Picking up the flaccid penis in his left hand, Ming picked up the pair of scissors with his right.

"You time is up. Prepare for the execution." Ming mimicked the words of the executioner in those period dramas on television.

He brought the blades of the scissors over his penis. He could feel his heart beat increasing even though he had shut off his mind mentally. It is now or never, he thought as he prepared to press the scissors shut and execute his penis.

"Goodbye." Ming muttered.

***

"William, tell me, have I failed as a mother?" Jade sobbed into the arms of her husband.

"If you have failed being a mother, then I don't know what I've been for the past 16 years," William said sadly as he took Jade into his arms. Both could only find solace in each other as the failed parents of their only child.

"I'm so afraid, William. Every day I fear that he would do something stupid," Jade buried her head deeper into her husband. "I'm so afraid that he would follow after her." Tears filled her eyes and smeared all over her face and her husband's clothes. "He's my son, my only son. No matter what he did, he's still my only son. I'd forgive him, absolutely."

Tears stung William's eyes. He was less honest in his emotions and could not bring himself to the state of emotional breakdown like his wife, but all sorts of feelings and thoughts, and love for his only son was brimming inside him. He thought of all those years back when he played the role of the stoic father. Regret suddenly hit him hard in his guts. As much as he wanted to hold his wife close to him, he wanted to embrace his child and tell him that he and Jade would always be there for him. Always.

But this was not the time William could let his emotions take over him. He had to be the man, that pillar of support for his wife and his granddaughter. He could not lose anymore people he love.

"Let's go pick Candy up," William said softly to his wife. But in his voice, Jade could feel the strength she needed to pick herself up. "Let's bring her up ourselves. As our daughter. Perhaps that could lessen a bit of the burden on Steven."

***

Excerpts are not in chronological nor plot chronological order.
All are fictional and stemmed from the figment of imagination of the author herself, any resemblence to any persons dead or alive is purely coincidental, or a figment of your imagination.

Lost Memories

Yesterday while taking the bus back home this story plot suddenly found its way into my head. It isn't a fresh idea, but an old idea which I hadn't developed. Maybe because of the present circumstances, and the maturity of my mindset, I had this thought on further developing the personalities of these characters, and also further developing the story as a whole.

Last night, I went to dig up all my old diaries, jotter books, and all note books and materials on Lost Memories and went through them hoping to get the feel of the plot and also to see if what new ideas popped up in my head that was beyond my imagination those years back. Going though those old diaries in search of all my materials, I realised that I wrote a lot more, thought a lot more, had more ideas when writing stuff down. On my blog, a lot have to be censored, hence a lot is not written down and a lot is forgotten. Quite a pity...

I was quite surprised when I checked the dates of my jotted down notes, the idea of Lost Memories before I came up with the plot of Scarlett Flight. And speaking of Scarlett Flight, I wrote quite a few exerpts but all on paper. I might want to type them up on the blog some other time. Actually, I think I should start digitising quite a bit of those jotted down stuff in my diaries because what if one day I lose them, I'd be losing quite a lot. Of course, I must also be backing up my digitised stuff too la.

The concept of Lost Memories was formulated in Chinese, even when I attempted to write out the full story in a novel form, I wrote in Chinese. Reading what I wrote, I realised that my written Chinese is quite awkward, no thanks to the genre of Chinese books I read. If I were to want to take it back and rewrite the whole lot, I don't think it'd be possible for me to do it well in Chinese. That only leaves me to write that novel in English, just like how I'm going about writing Scarlett Flight. But then again, quite a lot of meanings and connotations will be lost. I'll have to resolve that somehow or another.

Like for one, the Chinese title is 《白衣·天使·心》, how can one translate that title and leave the connotations I want intact? Actually, both the English and Chinese title was thought up along with the plot, so it's not something new.

What was new was the names of the characters. Before I started plotting out a flow chart of the story and the general idea of the plot, I decided to list out the characters I will be using, and looking at the names last night, I decided to rename almost all the characters. Naming characters is the hardest thing to do. It wasn't so bad for Scarlett Flight because those names were apt for the characters. There wasn't a need for me to rename them when I took that idea out to rewrite the story. The only problem I had with the characters was that I was deciding if I should name Adele Adele or Scarlett, and that should Scarlett be Scarlet or Scarlett. In the end, I decided to stick with Adele, but I used the name Scarlett for my other short stories. In fact for most of my short stories, I stuck with the names Ming/Steven and Shan.

These were the names I came up with last night. I suck at Chinese names, so, yea... And trust me, these are the better ones I thought of last night, the original names suck even more. I even gave them English names.

Protagonist
Ling Zi, 25, female.
No English name. I didn't change her name. Okay, I did but the change wasn't done last night. Her original name (don't laugh) was Wang Zi, but the was a mark cancelling that out and changing her surname to Ling instead. I mean, of course, the change had to be made.

A strong yet wilful girl who has absolutely no recollection of any memories before her 18th birthday. She has no parents and lives with only her foster mother who refuses to divulge any information to her about her before she was 18. And (the action cue) at the beginning of the story, we're introduced to her as being ill. Her illness the the whole spine of the plot, so I can reveal that without labelling that as a spoiler, but that's all I can reveal.

Yea, another point to note. This, unlike my other writings, is an attempt to be indulgent. I'm more fond of writing like one-on-one relationships or love triangles and stuff like that. Also, I usually tend to feature more females than male characters, but this time, in a bold move, I tried out this reverse harem style of story. Yup, it's about Ling Zi's relationship with three men, each men by their own virtues is a different kind of lover, and hence each of her relationship is different. Did I say that this story is super indulgent? yea... Get ready the tissues and hankies. I'm quite a bit apprehensive because after writing all the cynical short stories, an indulgent piece will come quite different to deal with. Even Scarlett Flight by its own virtue is not an indulgent piece. erm... Of course it isn't, the protagonist is a male, it's be very weird if it were to be indulgent. wahaha~

Anyway, introducing the men...

Khairul, 25, Cancer, computer programmer.
I'm thinking of the Chinese names Yang Yonghui, Yongqi, Yongyan, or some other Yong-something. He is the kind of high school jock kind of person, he plays sports, I'm deciding between Football and Basketball. Since he's the high school jock, he's very sporty, muscular and attractive, though he's more interested in his sports. He's a simple guy and lives on the simplicity in romance. The kind of guy who'd bring a girl out to the park to play, have dinners together, take that long bus ride home and let her sleep on his shoulder. Generally a kind person.

James, 26, Scorpio, neurosurgeon.
I hadn't wanted to name him James, but the name James just shouted out to me to name him that. In my original manuscripts, I had named him Nicholas, Dr Nicholas Chang. Don't know if I should stick to that or call him James. So far, I'm only satisfied with the name Khairul. The moment I read his bio last night I knew he was a Khairul to the T. Back to James anyway, Chinese names that I thought of was Zhang Mingjie, Kaijie, Zhengjie. He's your high school student council president, the powerful, attractive, charismatic yet mysterious guy. In a relationship, he's intense, steadfast, and posessive. He's the kind of boyfriend whom every girl would be jealous about, but not many would dare take up the challenge of being his girlfriend because it's too pressurising and dangerous. He's born into a family of notable doctors, rich, well-groomed, which all add to the unattainable aura around him. Generally he's a complex and complicated character.

Christopher, 25, Virgo, advertising director.
I really didn't want to name him Christopher because of all the connotations, but he's just the typical Christopher. Was also teetering about naming him Nicholas, before I found out from the manuscripts that I had originally wanted James to be Nicholas. Chinese names, Wang Junwen, Wang Rongwen, Wang Zeming, which is the same name as Ming/Steven from Scarlett Flight, which is also the damn reason why I'm reluctant in using this name. He's your high school playboy. Very good looking, very smooth with treating the girls, has a whole hoard of girlfriends, all smittened with him. Of course, with his looks and his charm and all the girls around him, he doesn't stay true to any one of the girls and flirts around with them freely. He's the guy every girl has a crush on. Generally, just think of the most popular person alive.

At this point, I want to ask, who would you fall in love with?

For the supporting characters...

Foster mother: Mary
Real mother: May Ling
Doctor: Dr Fang, Dr William Millers
Actually in my manuscripts Dr Millers was Dr Christohper Millers, but since I named Christopher, I can't use the name again.
Actor: Steven Filles
The name came up in the manuscript even though I really dread using the name Steven again. Filles is pronounces as "files" like the stuff you put your paper in. He's also a guy who likes Ling Zi but he's an asshole and he's not really that important, other than he's a jerk. hehehe~
Director: Adam Cheng
DJ: DJ Bear Li Weixiong
Teacher: Chen Xinhua

I can't really reveal too much about what role these people will play because that would give out too much about the plot, but the focus is still on the three guys above.

I realised as I described their characters, they've come to fit several stereotypes of certain horoscopes, and I've put them up in their bio-data. But I've yet to think up on the birthday of Ling Zi, I might want to fit that in the story later since something important to the story will happen on her 18th birthday, so I need to see how the events of the story play out. I was at first thinking about her being a Gemini, but if the events play out to her birthday, she might have to be either an Aquarius or a Pisces instead.

Anyway, all my characters are all fictional and derived from my own hyperimagination, any resemblences to any peoples living or death are purely coincidental. Another thing to note, the idea, I last checked my manuscripts dates back to August 2000, wow, 6-7 years ago. So copyright should refer back to that date.

背影

这一天，无意间在巴士经过的时候，注意到了一个熟悉的背影。看着那熟悉的背影，看着那一样的身材，看着那如初的面孔，那穿着打扮，那样的一个人，不知为何心里涌起一阵阵的悲哀。心里的感觉似乎有点难以形容。有点的失落，又有点的失望，还有可能蛮多的伤心，参杂着遗憾，还有一丁点的愤怒不平，和点点的疑惑。

是时间改变了之间的感情吗？还是有另人的介入？

不知道，从一开始，一切都很模糊。还记得，原本好好的感情深厚的两个人，慢慢的因为一个人的一些举动而导致那感情慢慢的变质。又不知何时，其中的那个人消失了。但发现的这个已变质的感情后，心里涌起愤愤的不平与不值，可能是因为执著和固执，慢慢的两个人的未来与从前出现了大大的相对。

现在的感觉很奇怪，之前的复杂再加上了回忆起当时的另一种复杂，形成了一种前所未有的特别的情感。不知以往的路应该怎么走，不知该不该拾起所剩的那残碎的感情走上回头路，还是别再回头继续走向一个不归路。时间改变了很多，包括了感情和人心，但最不值的事，感情的变化是因为随着时间的流逝而出现了另人的介入。另人介入是个多可怕的因素啊！

但是，想了又想，如果不是因为一人的抉择，另人的介入应该不至于改变什么的。

还是，那只是一个借口？

Three Years Later

Three years after The Vice Captain...

She stood at the bus stop, waiting for the internal shuttle bus to take her to another faculty. It was raining, not that heavily though, the sky was clearing up from the heavy rain just minutes before. She just finished a tiring lecture and was on her way to a boring one. It was one of those days again which she felt old and haggard, and life was bland and boring.

In a fleet of a moment, she saw something familiar. Either he looked like him, or he was him. She wasn't sure. He got off the Bukit Timah Campus shuttle bus and walked towards Eusoff Hall. She thought, a law student who lives in Eusoff Hall. Was that really him? Or was it just that she just so wanted to see him again, or perhaps it was just someone who looked somewhat the same.

She scrutinised at him. 1.72m tall at the most, not very tall, check. Sharp clean face, with a well shaped head, quite a common face among the jocks, check. She looked at the legs, bow shaped with bulging calf muscles, definitely a sportsperson, check. Could it be that it was him? It was time that he appeared in NUS. She had always thought that if he were to enrol in a university, it'd most likely be NUS, unless he went overseas. If he were to enrol in NUS, he'd most likely do Arts, probably History, or Political Science. But after three months, she hadn't spotted him around the campus.

Could it be that he went to Law instead? He was every bit the Law student material. Smart, good in language, smart, very smart, cute, very cute, good in language, everything. Perhaps that explained why she never saw him around campus before.

A Eusoff Hall resident? Very likely. Considering his background in sports and other extra cirricular activities, he had a very high chance of getting into Eusoff Hall, and it was also very likely that he would shine in there. It also helped that he was cute.

but the face she saw at the bus stop wasn't the same drop dead cute face she had etched in her mind. She always thought that he was almost god-like in his good looks, but somehow, that face she saw, although was cute, but was not as breath taking as she expected of him. So was it him? There was also a high chance that she was just imagining that she would meet him in school one day, and just conveniently thought that that might be him just because they look somewhat similar.

He didn't look straight in her eye. Probably he didn't notice her, or maybe he didn't recognise her. Or maybe, he just didn't know she and it was just a case of mistaken identity. Still, that little encounter made her heart flutter a little bit. He was still as capable as she thought him to be.

She thought about things again, as always she would do. What if they were to meet again? Would she be able to muster up courage to say hi? She thought about him again, and all those stuff that went by in the past, eight years of darkness. Now that she left the cave, and found another cave, would she be reminded of the first cave she was in before? Can she even still behave as if nothing had happened before?

She didn't know.

As much as she wanted to see him again, just to determine if that person was indeed him again, she hope she needn't have to come face to face with him. She was not ready to face her past yet, especially when her current life is in such a big mess after the final closure.

Then again, can she blame him for the circumstances she's in now?

An adidas Story

After a long tiring day, she slumped down into her seat on the public bus for a one and a half hour journey back home during the peak hour. She made sure she was among the first to board the bus to ensure herself a comfortable window seat. As she prepared herself for the one and a half hour nap she always takes on the bus, a young guy slid down onto the seat beside her.

The bus was very crowded, it was not surprising to have someone sitting beside her, she had already expected that, but she didn't expect a guy to sit beside her. Usually, as she noticed, a seat occupied by a girl would instinctively attract a girl to sit beside her and a guy would attract a guy, maybe it's the conservative nature around her that she've seen. And that was her first thought, "Why is this guy sitting here?"

As the guy slid in the seat beside her, she took note on him, his looks, his dressing, his manner. But before she could notice anything about him, the bag on his lap attracted her. "Why is this bag so familiar?" she thought. As her sights drifted to her own lap, she saw sitting on her lap the same adidas bag. Only that his was brown with orange trimmings and hers was red with white trimmings. She stared over at that guy again, acting as discreetly as possible, she saw his white adidas jacket with green trimmings. Anybody wearing this many adidas stuff was instantly attactive to her. Suddenly she felt a sense of affinity with this guy she's never met before.

She discreetly looked over at him, saw his time table. He's a year two mechanical engin student. He was reading a copy of Today, he intently read the all the serious articles, so she guessed that he was a serious person. She tried to observe his features, but it was almost impossible to do so without making it obvious. So she could only gather that he was of average height, slightly lean built, tanned, from the side of his face, his right earlobe was not pierced. He should be a decent guy, not too flamboyant, more average, or maybe a bit to the studious side. But he was also well dressed and properly groomed enough not to be too geeky.

Somewhere in between, she saw something of him that trudged up her past, a walk back down memory lane. There, on his right hand, at the back of the hand was a brown patch, a birthmark. She had seen something like that before, on someone else's right hand, at the exact place, of the exact same colour, and the same size. But where was it?

That burned her mind and she slowly drifted to sleep. She was supposed to take a nap in the first place. Her nap wasn't a sweet one. She woke up once, at a popular alighting stop, she thought that perhaps that guy might alight there, but he didn't. She got to see a little bit more of him, she got to sleep a little bit more beside him. From somewhere, perhaps her past memories, she suddenly felt a sense of comfort sleeping beside that guy she had only met half and hour ago.

She woke up again at another popular alighting destination, he was still sitting beside her. Having had enough sleep, she didn't drift back to sleep, but continued observing him. He wore a red and silver watch on his left wrist, but it was covered by his adidas jacket so she couldn't see which make it was. But she managed to get another look at the birthmark again. Where had she seen it before?

She remembered, she once had a friend who had a scar on his left hand, at the back of the hand. She remarked to that friend that she once had a friend who had a birthmark on the back of his right hand, she told him that he reminded her of him. But who was that friend? Why was she unable to recall it?

That guy finally alighted at yet another popular alighting destination, which also happens to be the place someone she knew lived, someone who was very influential in her life. But she dismissed that as a mere coincidence.

She thought about the birthmark and about that guy again. She thought that perhaps he was from her past, but if he were from her past then he wouldn't be staying at that place, but if he were someone she knew from recent times, that might explain him living at that place, but the problem was also that if he was someone she knew from the recent times, why wasn't she able recognise him or remember that friend with the identical mark.

She thought about it again.

"Maybe he wasn't staying there at all?" Maybe he was there just to transfer to another bus or maybe he was there to visit someone else, there were many other probabilities in life.

Watching the world go by...

I like to sit behind these big glass panes, watch the people outside rush by me. I would sit inside snacking and sipping my drink leisurely as I watch the frenzied action. The world around me is changing ever so quickly, but I find myself stuck in the same hole as I always was and will always be. I advance at my own pace and momentarily lose myself in the big big world. I like to watch people go by me. I try and think what is going on in their minds, it is fun. The girl with the pile of books in her hands running by; the cleaner carrying a vacuum cleaner vacuuming the ceiling but also trying not to be in the way of the other students; the professor striding by but stopped for a small chat with a student; the pair who stood at the staircase landing for a long long chat but seemed to be awkward with each other, almost oblivious to their surroundings, not knowing what in the world just went by them. I like to watch the clothes people wear to school, criticising the badly dressed ones and complimenting the nicely dressed ones, watching the people go by me. Oogling at the good looking lads, bitching about the sad looking girls and while trying not to make it obvious that I'm staring. I try to imagine everyone's life story.

I watch the world go by me.

It's not hard to imagine...

I saw him walking in front of me this afternoon. He was dressed smartly in a brown long sleeved shirt with black pants, nothing special about his dressing, nothing eye catching. But still. it was his dressing that caught my eyes.

The first thing that came into my mind was the thought, "He'd look good in a dark blue long sleeved shirt." Then I started mentally dressing him up. A dark blue long sleeved shirt, a little big tight, or should I say a little bit more fitting, to show off that toned bod of his. Ditch his pants, get tight ones, a butt hugging tight pair of pants to show off that cute butt of his, he'll look so sexy. His shirt tucked into his pants but pulled out loosely to have the hem of his shirt hanging messily under his pants, a touch of wild look to his already sexy get up.

I wanted to transform him totally. He has the looks but was not well groomed enough to harness his looks. A new hairstyle is needed. His hair is dry and coarse, leaving it hanging on the head might impress had he been ten years younger, but now he needed a cool new haircut. Adam Chen's hairstyle from the 9 o'clock show would suit him pretty well, pretty and well. After the hair, the face needs to be worked on. Clear away all the spots and tone the complexion and maybe give him a tan. With his pan-Asian looks comprising of a well defined and strong cheekbones and justified jawline, and the lighter than normal eyes, he would milk his features and cover his flaws and be the best looking person on campus, easily.

I can imagine the revamped him having his pictures taken by the paparazzi, his face appearing in magazines, newspapers and every tabloid one can get hold of. He will apear in cinemas near you. Him with a glamourous life, him as a world celebrity. He commands a throng of groupies and crazy fangirls shouting "I love you" to him every two seconds. He would be da bomb.

Or imagining him entering politics, milking his handsome features and good looks to its maximum, him winning over all his political competitors. Politicians standing beside him will all be mesmerised by his beauty and agree to everything he says. He would be the dictator of the next generation, charming every citizen in the country. His charms would increase with every power and authority he commands and in turn he would able to charm more people. Man of the time, man of the universe.

It's not hard to imagine...

My imaginations ran free and I needed to come back to reality. In real life, there was no celebrity, no dictator, not even a good looking guy. There was only a guy, trying to camouflage his talent, ability and good looks into an average joe.

b r o k e n

Turning Back 回望来时路

She turned back. What she saw was no longer that glamour that had once attracted her so deeply that she still harboured hopes of, but instead what was left was a pile of debries, nothing much left to be desired. She did not know what she was more disappointed with, herself or the other party. She turned, and left in the other direction. Somewhere inside her thought, perhaps if she had not see the leaves falling, the tree he had once knew might still be in its full glory in her memories, but now, what she can only remember is one twisted with ugliness.

It was more than two years ago since she first set her eyes upon him. Over the years, she saw him grow, and also saw him decay, but the change was gradual, and she had not noticed the change, but now, suddenly looking back at the past, the change was too shocking for her to take it. This was not what she first set her eyes upon. She recoiled in disgust. Maybe what she was in love with was not him, but her image of him her had in her mind.

She thought after a long part that their reunion would be a sweet one, one that would rekindle her love of him, but she was starkly wrong. In an age some time ago, perhaps that stark difference might disappoint her, disappoint her glorious image she had of him, but in an age of which the green monster had consumed her, this was perhaps a much better twist of fate. She was glad that he had transformed from a prince to a pauper during the missing years, and glad that the opportunity cost of her losing of him was greatly reduced. Life was not that all bad to her.

She stared hard and deep into his cold eyes yet saw no recognition. It pained her to think that those eyes once belonged to a person so close to her. It now displayed no tinge of affection that was once characteristic of him over her. If looks could kill, she would have been pierced through the heart a dozen times, blood would flow a river from those stab wounds. And it was not as if if gaze was that intense because it was not, and it was because there was no intensity in his gaze that caused that injury to her. She really wanted to see those familiar eyes again, just once more would be enough.

The Dream 梦

I had a dream last night. Very vivid, and it instilled a sense of fear and disappointment in me, but yet, it answered none of my questions.

In the dream, I had a good friend whom I liked, but in a twist of fate, he had started a relationship with another girl a la My Best Friend's Wedding. Don't ask me how I got to know the background story before the dream started proper. I just happened to know all these details in the dream.

The dream started with me having a meal with the friend, talking and chatting, but the friend seemed different from the friend I once knew. Now, he was more distanced, more subdued, more careful with him words with me. I hated it. And because of the changes in him, I hated his girlfriend. I tried to hint to him my feelings for him, but all the hints were not picked up. I even bought this pair of dolls which looked like us which I wanted to give him, but in the end I didn't. I had wanted to give him the doll which looks like me and keep the one which looks like him.

After the meal, I decided to go back to my room. Usually I'd be escorted back to my room, but this time he didn't do so. After going back to my room and threw the dolls under my bed. I left my room door open, hoping to see him pass by me once again. And he did. Only that he wasn't alone, he was with his girlfriend and they were acting intimate. I took a stab and the doll which looked like him. Another friend of mine who knew that I liked the first friend came to console me. He even wanted to go up to the first friend to tell him straight my feelings for him, but I was against it.

I don't know why, but the next scene was a close up of the girlfriend. She was sitting on a bench by the side of a wall. I was observing her. I wanted to see what kind of girl she was for the friend to like her. She was of average height, somewhere between 1.60 to 1.65 metres, average size 50 to 55 kilograms. She had a fair complexion, with several red spots on the sides of the face and a slight acne scar but she still looked good with her big eyes, sharp nose and chin. Perhaps she might be a beauty after making up since the spots can be concealed. She had long black layered hair with bangs framing the face. My first thoughts was that her features were quite similiar to mine, she looked like me.

Someone once said, in the memory I had in the dream, that people tend to like people who reminds them of other people they might have once liked. So the first thought was that, perhaps he liked her because he thought she reminded him of me, and that he might have once liked me, hence him liking her. But that was just a fleeting thought after all he was already with that girl and there was nothing I can do about it. Well, technically I can still go and confess to him, like what the other friend wanted me to do.

The dream ended with me still pondering over should I or should I not say to the friend.

The Dream Marriage 梦中婚礼
-removed-

The Last Date 最后のDate
-removed-

Detective Conan Fanfiction

Remember, you've read it here first. I'm putting this up here before I put it up on fanfiction.net. Do drop some comments, then I can revise it a bit. I think this piece is a bit too long and draggy anf out of focus, but it's because I want to fit everything inside. It's really damn damn long. 6405 words, beat that. I'm now going to re-read my whole collection of Detective Conan manga. Damn Yumito (or Yumiro, or something like that) Corporation for taking down every single Detective Conan video on youtube, not only episodes, but also the AMVs. What the fuck??? AMVs!!! Mine were gone too.

Detective Conan.
One shot, but very long. Covers the whole of the New York episode a year ago. SherryXGinXAkai Shuichi, with Kudo Shinchi, Ran, Vermouth appearing and mentions of Akemi Miyano and the Big Boss.

New York

“You can have one hundred, one thousand reasons to kill someone. But you don’t need any reason to save someone.” That explanation rang in her head as her tiny feet ran across the snow. “You will save me won’t you, Kudo Shinichi,” she asked, in response to the explanation that rang in her head. “Please save me, Kudo Shinichi. You are the only one who can save me now.” With that, her tiny body fell onto the snow, just outside Kudo Shinichi’s house, she passed out…

“You’re up, Sherry?” a cold voice pierced through the silence of the small room with a slight echo.

Sherry rubbed her eyes and stared at the face from which the voice came from. His eyes were cold and devoid of all emotions, a pale comparison to the passionate animal that had devoured her just an hour ago. He was already dressed. “Is he in a hurry again?” she thought to herself.

“Put on your clothes,” He commanded.

She sat upright on the bed as he tossed her clothes over to her. “Why can’t you be gentler to your lover, Gin?” Sherry reproached. Gin and Sherry went back a long way even though she was only 17. Gin was the one who took care of her ever since her parents died although “take care” was not a very accurate term, because he was her direct superior, sort of like her master, and she was to follow his bidding in whatever he was to say.

“You aren’t my lover. You are my slave. You are to listen to whatever I say and follow all my orders. You better watch where you stand, Sherry.”

“And remember, Sherry, you shall never ever betray me.” Gin said warningly. His voice was not loud, but his tone was strong.

Sherry shuddered. “Yes, I understand.”

As Sherry dressed, Gin turned over and looked long and hard at her. He wasn’t looking at her body, but studying his face intently. There wasn’t a trace of arousal, rather it seemed as though he was planning something, and wanted to make you of the face that he was staring at.

Sure enough, once Sherry was fully dressed, he brought up the topic, that he was thinking about as she was dressing.

“I have a mission for you,” he said as Sherry looked up at him. “It’s for the organisation.”

“But I’m into research and development. That drug that I was supposed to create is almost done. I’ll need to complete it soon before the Big Boss berates me again. It’s also for my sister, he’s threatening me with her life, I don’t think I’ll the time to do anything else.

“You sister is not as important as me. You shall do as I say. Don’t worry, I want you to complete the drug, I won’t ask you to put down the work on the drug. Besides, this mission is far more important than the drug.” Gin said, betraying no kind of emotion in his voice.

Sherry looked up at him. She tried to look into his eyes but they were blocked by his hat. Even so, those pair of eyes was just not the pair that stared into her as they made love an hour ago. She really could not understand how such a hot-blooded animal could turn into a cold-blooded one in just an hour. She sighed. There was nothing she could do now, except to listen to what her master had to say. “What would this mission be about?”

“Akai Shuichi.” Gin answered her.

She knew who he was talking about. Everyone in the organisation knew about him. He was their enemy. He was part of the FBI. He was the top marksman of the FBI. And he was hot on their heels. The organisation knew more about him that the FBI knew that they had known. And the organisation have been trying to make plans to eliminate their most dangerous enemy.

“Isn’t Vermouth on this mission?” Sherry asked. “The last I heard was that she will be disguising herself as a serial killer to lure of Akai Shuichi. What have I got to do with this mission?”

“You will destroy Akai Shuichi before her.”

“What?”

“I can’t have Vermouth take the credit. She’s getting far too powerful in the organisation, and the Big Boss is giving her far too much freedom. No doubt that he likes her, but we have to do something to preventing her from being tossing her weight about in the organisation.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Get to Akai Shuichi before her. We all know that she will be disguising as a serial killer to lure him out, but you can do something else that she can’t do to lure him out. You have something that that woman doesn’t have, Sherry.” Gin sneered. It was perhaps the only trace of emotion that he showed after their love making. “You have youth on your side.”

“What do you want me to do?” Sherry repeated, but this time her voice trembled with fear. There was something about Vermouth that instilled fear into her. She didn’t know what that something had been, it just felt like an instinctive pang of fear in her. She wasn’t to know this, but later she was to find out that Vermouth was her parents’ murderer.

“Seduce Akai Shuichi.”

“What?” Sherry asked, surprised. She had expected something more conventional, like ambushing him and shooting him dead, but seduction seemed so far fetched.

“I will plan an ambush for you, and you will follow my orders and seduce him. You don’t have to rush, just pretend to get to know him first, then you will confess to him, and soon, you will have a hold over him and that’s when you can strike. He will be defenseless against you.” Gin said. He seemed to have the whole plan ahead of him.

“You are giving your lover to your enemy?” Sherry snorted.

“First, you are not my lover, you are my slave. Second, you will not have any feelings for Akai Shuichi, you’re merely bait. Third, I will do anything to destroy Akai Shuichi. Fourth, I will do anything to triumph over Vermouth.” Gin paused, and then continued, “Is that a good enough explanation?”

Gin peer under his hat and stared steely into Sherry. She shuddered. She could not answer the negative, it was something innate inside her that she couldn’t bring herself to say “no” to her master. Instead, she turned away. One more second of looking into Gin’s pair of eyes would turn her into a block of ice.

“We have no time to lose. We’ll meet at the corner café tomorrow at one. Wear a cream coloured, one pieced, knee length dress.”

“But I only have black dresses. We aren’t allowed to wear any other coloured clothes.”

“Go buy one tomorrow morning. According to sources, Akai Shuichi likes sweet young girls, and you have youth on your side, we’ll just make full use of that. There’s no way he’ll fall for someone wearing black.”

“Okay, I understand,” Sherry finally reluctantly said.

“I give you further instructions tomorrow.” Gin said as he stood up and put on his long black coat. His long silver hair fluttered behind as he swung the coat behind him.

Sherry fell back onto her bed. “No wonder Gin brought me here to New York. There’s no way he’d bring me on a vacation,” she muttered to herself and she flipped over to her side and looked out of the big clear windows. Neon lights penetrated her windows. “But maybe it’s a good change of environment for a while. Japan’s getting too stuffy for me to bear any longer.”

The next morning, Sherry woke up early, or more precisely, Sherry had not had much sleep the night before, deciding that she really was not able to get anymore sleep, she got up.

As instructed by Gin, Sherry went shopping for a dress. She picked up a branded dress. Sherry was not a brand conscious person, but for that moment, she wanted to spend some money, perhaps it was a form of retail therapy. She bought shoes to match the dress. And a handbag too. Her wardrobe previously consisted of only black clothes. “Maybe it’s also good to add some colour in my life,” Sherry thought. She browsed the shops for another hour as she was still early for her meeting with Gin.

She was not able to recall when the last time she went shopping was. Her whole life, she was brought up within the organisation, removed from the normal growing up process, away from her family, and without any friends. She thought about her sister. Although her sister was elder, she was not as smart as Sherry, who went on an intensive education in the field of science. Her sole purpose in life was to do research and development for the organisation. Thinking about her sad past, she was suddenly overcome by anticipation in her upcoming mission.

At one, Sherry arrived at the café as stipulated. Gin was not around. Sherry picked out a window seat and sat down looking out of the window. She eyes wandered over to a figure passing the window, he was tall and enigmatic, and as he passed her, his long black hair under a knitted hat fluttered in the wind. He entered the café and sat at a seat across her table, but she took little notice of that figure and her eyes remained affixed out of the window. She wondered how Akai Shuichi looked like, she wondered how was Gin planning to set her up with Akai Shuichi.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a phone call.

“Yes?” Sherry asked. She knew who it was.

“Order something to drink,” Gin commanded.

Sherry looked up without putting down the call. She signalled for a waitress and ordered a cup of coffee.

“When the coffee arrives, knock the coffee down to let it splatter over your dress. Make it look like an accident. And you need not blame the waitress, just look as distressed as possible. You take it from there, make sure you do a good job.”

With that, Sherry hung up the phone and continued staring out of the window. It was so like Gin to arrange to meet her at some place but not arriving, instead merely calling her up to give her instructions. This was not the first time something like that had happened, and as long as she was still with Gin, this would not be the last time.

When the waitress brought the coffee over, Sherry did as instructed, and “accidentally” flung her hand across and knocked over the cup. The coffee spilt over her dress, staining it.

“I’m sorry. I’m really very sorry, Miss,” The waitress apologised.

“It’s okay,” answered Sherry, unsure of what to say. Gin did not tell her what to do, only to “take it from here”, but there was still no sight of anything unusual.

Sherry thought for a moment. She decided that she should go back to the shops and buy a change of clothes. She might not be the most fashion conscious girl, but she was after all a girl, and she would not allow herself to walk out in the streets with a stained dress. She slung her handbag over the stain patch on her dress attempting to cover it, but the stain was still visible from the side. She sighed.

Just as she stood at the exit of the café pondering over which boutique she was going to visit, she felt a wave of wind, and a long black trench coat was now rested on her shoulders. Beside her, stood the figure from before. The tall, enigmatic man with long black hair looked at her pitiful face.

“That bag won’t be able to cover the stain. Put this on,” he said.

There was something commanding in his voice that reminded her of Gin, but there was also a tone of care and concern that she so wanted to hear from Gin’s mouth but never able to.

“Thanks,” Sherry said softly. “I’ll buy another dress now. Perhaps I can meet you later in the afternoon to return the coat to you?”

“Are you in a hurry?” he asked.

“I’m supposed to meet someone, I think.” She sounded unsure of herself, miffed with Gin’s instructions.

“Was Akai Shuichi still going to show up?” She thought to herself. Either way, she decided that she was not supposed to meet Akai Shuichi looking wet and dirty, and there was no way that she was supposed to meet him with another guy beside her.

“I’ll meet you at five later at the restaurant beside the hotel,” that guy said. He did not consult Sherry if she was able to make it, and just instructed her to do it. And that wave of long hair, reminded her of someone else…

“I’ll see you later,” replied Sherry. Maybe she was used to this tone of voice, or maybe there was something so enigmatic about this guy in front of her that she was unable to resist him.

Putting on the coat, she walked out of the café and across the streets into the shopping area. She bought another cream dress, but of a different design from the stained one.

At five, she proceeded to the restaurant to meet that guy from before. She packed the coat into a paper bag and carried along with her. There was still no sign of Akai Shuichi, and Gin had not contacted her again. She wanted to call up Gin, but was afraid of his cold emotionless voice.

That guy was already in the restaurant waiting for her as she walked in. She passed the bag to him and thanked him again.

“Why don’t you buy me dinner?” he asked.

“No problem,” she replied, then paused for a moment. “How may I address you?”

“Akai Shuichi.” He looked up and stared into her eyes.

Sherry was stunned. So, right from the start Gin’s plan was that she would make use of the stained shirt to borrow Akai Shuichi’s trench coat, and for her to get to know him better. Sensing that Akai Shuichi saw her stunned look, she tried to cover up her surprise.

“It’s surprising to meet another Japanese here in New York. I mean, I’m Japanese too, or at least half Japanese.” She hoped that that feeble excuse could cover up her miscalculation. “My name’s Sherry. Nice to meet you.”

“Ah… Sherry. I was thinking what to order with the dinner.” Akai Shuichi smiled.

Sherry blushed slightly. All along, Sherry was brought up to me independent and matured, and often looked older that she actually was, but that blush brought back tinges of youth into her. She was, after all, only 17.

That marked the start in the relationship between Akai Shuichi and Sherry. To Sherry, Akai Shuichi was the enigmatic, attractive guy that captured her heart. With his care and concern and his intense gaze on her, she was bother mesmerised and flatter with his love on her. Still, deep down, there was a fear in her. She was afraid of Akai Shuichi because she was afraid that she might too fall in love with him, and the consequences of that forbidden love, forbidden by Gin and the whole organisation. Her sister, her only kin left on this earth, was still in the hands of the organisation, but now, this guy in front of her, someone she might potentially fall in love with, what if one day she had to kill him with her bare hands? Was she able to do it? She did not know. Somewhere deep inside her, she wanted Vermouth to succeed her mission, so that Sherry did not need to be torn between Gin and Akai Shuichi.

Three months later, Sherry moved in with Akai Shuichi. In between her stay in New York, she snuck in several return trips back to Japan to continue on the development of the drug, but she tried her best to avoid Gin every time she went back. News of a long silver haired serial killer in the streets of New York was now rampant. Sherry was not sure if that serial killer was Gin or a disguise of Vermouth. She knew, and everybody in the organisation knew that Vermouth was skilled in disguises.

One night, Sherry lay in the arms of Akai Shuichi and fingered his long dark hair. She always wanted to play with Gin’s hair but she was too afraid of Gin to bring herself to even touch him.

Sherry braided Akai Shuichi’s long black hair as she mused, “Why do you keep your hair this long, Shu? Will you ever cut it one day?”

Akai Shuichi turned to her and said, “The day when I cut this hair would be when you leave me.” He caressed her face as she tried to look away. There was something in his eyes that told her that he knew that she would leave him one day. “Sherry…”

Her hands ran down his naked body. “Would you be upset if I leave you one day?”

“After you leave me, please don’t let me meet you again, would you? Try your best and avoid me as much as possible. I don’t know if I can control myself from planting a bullet in your head.” He said, half jested as he ran his hands over her head, pointing on her temple.

“How far away must I stand from you?”

“I can shoot up to 700 metres accurately, that would be a good gauge, Sherry.”

“700 metres? Wow…” From what Sherry knew of the assassins in the organisation, not even the best of them was able to shoot this far this accurately. 500 metres was probably their limit, but again, Sherry had not been in close contact with the other organisation members for the past three months, not even her sister, who was herself tied up with another mission.

“Sherry, I have a ticket to the theatre showing Golden Apple tomorrow night, but I’ll be tied down with my work. Can you watch it in my place?”

“What will you be doing tomorrow night?” Sherry asked innocently as she took the ticket from her lover.

“I’ll be tracking down the serial killer. I’ve received a tip on his location. But I should be done by ten. I’ll meet you for supper after the theatre.”

Sherry thought for a while, then finally decided that it did not matter to her if that serial killer was Vermouth or Gin, just as long as it was not needed for her to kill Akai Shuichi, it was fine with her.

“What if Shu died?” A horrifying thought suddenly plagued her. “He can shoot accurately from 700 metres.” She tried to comfort herself. “What if Gin died?” She did not know how to make out this thought. She tried to shake off that thought as she buried her head into Akai Shuichi’s chest and closed her eyes. She was tired from all the thoughts.

Akai Shuichi stroked her hair. He seemed to be able to read her mind. His gaze on her softened as he saw her to sleep.

Outside the theatre of Golden Apple, a familiar figure stopped behind Sherry.

“Don’t turn over, you are being watched,” said that voice. A sudden fear rose inside Sherry.

“I had my sources confirming Gin’s plan in sending you over to New York, but let me remind you this, this is my mission, Sherry. It is my mission as instructed by the Big Boss. Don’t ruin my plans.”

“Vermouth,” Sherry finally mustered.

“Shh…”

In a spilt of a second, that figure was gone, a bulky policeman now took the place of where Vermouth was supposed to be at a moment ago. Before she could think deeper into Vermouth’s words, a flashy car sped down the street and stopped right in front of her. Her eyes wandered over to the couple seated behind, a young couple of about her age. She felt a sense of envy. She missed her youth.

That young couple with an older woman sat in front of her during the theatre piece. She was attracted to the scene by scene commentary of the boy. It was not too loud or distracting, but there was something about his voice that comforted her, she liked that voice.

After the theatre, Sherry made her way to the café to meet Akai Shuichi as appointed. Suddenly, a flash of silver fleeted by her. Her first thought was of Gin, but after a second thought, she thought she saw a gleam of triumphant in the eyes of the silver haired man. Gin’s eyes betrayed no trace of emotion, not even triumph or satisfaction.

She rushed over into the alley where the silver haired man went through. However, she stopped short. The silver haired man was hanging from a worn balcony, the bar was just about to give way. The couple she met at the theatre before quickly grabbed his hand just before the bar gave way, preventing the silver haired man from falling to his death.

After they pulled him up, the silver haired man asked them, “Why did you save me?”

The girl gave him a blank look, as if there was no answer to the question. The boy looked up at him and answered him simply.

“You can have one hundred, one thousand reasons to kill someone. But you don’t need any reason to save someone.”

That line echoed in Sherry’s head.

After Sherry got out of her daze, she found that the young couple was gone, the silver haired man sat by the side of the wall panting. He was still in shock, or maybe he too was pondering over the boy’s comment as Sherry had done.

“Vermouth,” Sherry said as she walked up to the silver haired man who was actually Vermouth in disguise. “Why did you dress up as Gin?”

“Someone’s coming,” Vermouth said instead of answering Sherry’s question.

Without thinking, Sherry pulled a garbage bag from beside and covered it over Vermouth. “You can have one hundred, one thousand reasons to kill someone. But you don’t need any reason to save someone.” That comment rang inside her head.

“Sherry?” a voice broke the silence of the night.

“Shu, oh it’s you,” answered Sherry.

“Did you see a silver haired man around?”

“He ran by me just a while ago.”

“Did he do anything to you?”

“No, why would he?”

Akai Shuichi studied her face for a moment. “Let’s go for supper,” he said as he stretched out his hand to Sherry.

Sherry took hold of it, and asked, “Aren’t you going after the man? I think he’s the serial killers in the news.”

“I don’t think he’s the person I’m looking for. It doesn’t matter now,” Akai Shuichi replied. He had his thoughts that the silver haired serial killer was Gin, but from Sherry facial expressions, he knew that it was unlikely that the serial killer was Gin. He did not know the reason, he just knew it was so. If it was not Gin, but some petty thief after all, he saw no need for his efforts to capture that guy.

“I met a girl just now. She was crying. I thought she reminded me of you,” Akai said softly, then turned his head over to Sherry. “You know, it’s also a strength to be able to cry.” Akai Shuichi wrapped his hands around Sherry as they headed towards the café where they first met.

A year slowly passed. The drug she was supposed to develop reached the final stages, but she was still living a bi-coastal lifestyle, flying between New York and Japan. Over the past year, she thought of that boy’s words. “You can have one hundred, one thousand reasons to kill someone. But you don’t need any reason to save someone.”

“What reasons do I have to kill those hundreds and thousands of people with my drug?” Sherry thought to herself every day. Along with Akai Shuichi’s tender loving care, Sherry have grown to care more for people, and to live a life of emotional love, unlike the cold and hard life she led before. Her only worry was her sister. Her sister was taken hostage by Gin, but she did not know the full details. Gin had been threatening Sherry with her sister’s life over the past year she had been in New York. Conversations with her sister revealed that she knew that someone was keeping tabs on her, but her sister did not know what it was. Chances were that Gin was not lying to her.

Just as Sherry was stuck in limbo, one day, she received a call from a shadow of her past.

“Sherry, come down to Tokyo for an investigation,” the voice ordered.

Sherry trembled in fear. It was Gin, currently her most dreaded person on earth. “What was the investigation about?” she thought to herself. “Was it that Gin had found out that I have really fallen in love with Shuichi?”

“I’ve used your newly developed drug on a boy. Don’t you want to investigate on the reactions to your drug?” Gin sneered, as if he read her mind.

“Okay, I’ll be down.”

With that, Sherry left a note for Akai Shuichi informing that she would be out for a couple of days on a research project. She had made a couple of trips away from Akai Shuichi previously, but none of her these trips were at such a sudden notice. “Perhaps I should give him a call instead?” she thought to herself. Deliberating for a moment, she decided to do both. She left the note in their kitchen and hurried off in a cab.

On the cab, she gave Akai Shuichi a call.

“Shu, I need to go down to Tokyo for a couple of days.”

“Now?”

“Yea… But I’ll be back soon, you don’t have to miss me that much.”

“You know Sherry, every time you go off to Japan, I’ve this fear that you wouldn’t return. I don’t know why, but every time you leave me, I feel like you’ve left me.”

“Haha… I’ll be back, Shu. In a couple of days.”

Indeed, every time Sherry went back to Japan, she too had this fear that she might not be allowed to return to New York, she might not be allowed to return to Akai Shuichi side. She was afraid that Gin might stop her, Gin might want to do something else with her, or Gin would kill her. However, since Vermouth had failed in her mission to kill Akai Shuichi, Gin had allowed Sherry to continue to stay by his side, waiting for the best opportunity to prey on him. Ever since a year ago when she met the young couple, she wanted to get out of the organisation and not kill any more people. She wanted to save all the people who she would potentially kill.

And yet, now, Gin was to tell her that someone had died from taking her newly developed drug. Sherry looked at her hands, she saw an image of blood imposed on her hands. She felt sick.

“This is the case file of the victim, status unknown.” Gin passed a file over to Sherry when they met. Halfheartedly, Sherry flipped the file open. To her greatest shock, a picture of a very familiar face stared at her. It was the boy whose comment she had repeated over and over again every day since she met him a year ago. “You can have one hundred, one thousand reasons to kill someone. But you don’t need any reason to save someone.” It stared in front of her, the name “Kudo Shinichi”, “Status: Unknown”

“So that boy is called Kudo Shinichi,” Sherry thought to herself.

Sherry went with Gin into Kudo Shinichi’s house that night. While Gin looked for traces of his death, Sherry searched the house looking for traces of life. “Someone as nice as him cannot die,” she thought to herself. The drug although had reached it final stages of development, was not a completed successful product yet. There were traces of failure to kill in some of her experiments she had with white laboratory mice. She did not want Kudo Shinichi to die.

That mission that night ended in a somewhat failure, but somewhat success, there was not sign of life or death. It seemed like Kudo Shinichi had just disappeared from the world.

Sherry did not immediately return to the States. She stayed in Japan for a couple more days, making use of the time to visit her sister. Gin was now in charge of her sister, and he gave her a mission to complete. The original deal with her sister was that once she succeeded in her mission, Sherry would be free to leave the organisation. However, Sherry knew that was impossible. While she tried to dissuade her sister, her sister only thought of Sherry final release from the clutches of the organisation.

Deep down, Sherry knew that once in the organisation, the only was out is death. She did not want to burst her sister’s hope, but she feared for her sister’s survival. As she knew that all channels of communication between organisation members were watched by the Big Boss, Sherry gave her sister Akai Shuichi’s contact number, so that they could stay in contact with each other. Sherry knew that Akai Shuichi was careful enough not to let his means of communication to be bugged. Her sister can contact her without being traced. It was highly possible that her own contact was bugged by Gin, after all, there was nothing Gin was incapable of doing.

Before leaving Tokyo, Sherry was still worried about the Kudo Shinichi and decided to make another mission down to his out to search more carefully. This time, she noticed that a drawer was cleared out of the clothes it contained. She remembered very clearly that the last time she was there the drawer was still filled with clothes, Kudo Shinichi’s old clothes from when he was still a kid.

“Don’t tell me…” Sherry thought to herself. “That the drug failed, as with some of the mice.” In some of the experiments she had carried out with mice, instead of dying, they showed signs of prematuring. “Could it be that Kudo Shinichi had cheated death?” Sherry crossed her fingers.

That night, she went back to the department and took out the case file. In order not to let the other members realise the failure of her drug, she decided to alter the status of Kudo Shinichi. “I don’t need a reason to save someone,” Sherry thought to herself as she wrote the words “confirmed dead” under Kudo Shinichi’s name.

On the plane back to New York, Sherry felt a sense of satisfaction, the first time in her whole life she had this feeling that she did not know how to describe her happiness. She managed to save someone. Not only that, yet another time, she managed to hop onto a flight back to Akai Shuichi’s side.

Back in New York, Akai Shuichi greeted her with a warm hug. He was glad too that Sherry was able to make it back from Japan yet another time. He knew, one day Sherry would not be able to return back, but he was still glad that that day would only come later in the future. “I’ve received a call last night from an Akemi Miyano looking for a Shiho Miyano. Do you know any of them, Sherry?” Akai Shuichi asked.

“Oh, my sister called already?” Sherry asked, rather surprised. She had not expected that her sister would call that soon. “My sister’s Akemi.”

“And you are Shiho?” Akai Shuichi asked. A slight smile formed on his lips. “Miyano… I see, I see…” Akai Shuichi looked as though he really understood something. The name Miyano reminded Akai Shuichi of someone else, someone who had died quite some time ago, someone whom he was on the heels of before he died. Sherry too reminded him of that person, but it was only today that he learnt of Sherry’s real name that he was able to see all the pieces fitted together.

“Did my sister say anything to you?” Sherry asked.

“She left me a number. She said that number is safe for you to contact her.” Akai Shuichi said as he passed a scrap note to Sherry. He stared at Sherry, he seemed to want to ask her something, but was unsure if he should ask. After much contemplation, he finally decided against it. He hugged Sherry close to him, and whispered into her ear. “You better contact her now. It sounded as it was urgent.”

Leaning in Akai Shuichi’s arms, Sherry really did not want to leave that warm harbour that quickly, but thoughts of her sister, and fears of what happened to her, she finally pried herself from his arms.

“Can I borrow your cell phone to call my sister?”

Akemi Miyano had rented a room under a disguised name unknown to the people in the organisation. She applied for a telephone line in the room too. Or rather, it was the need for an untapped telephone line that she wanted to rent a room. From that day on, Sherry called up her sister every day. Her sister was her only family left in the world, and she knew that her sister was the only person she could trust. She had few friends, and she definitely could not trust anyone in the organisation, Akai Shuichi was in the FBI and might one day turn against her, maybe someone far away in Tokyo, she might be able to find trust in the person who said “You can have one hundred, one thousand reasons to kill someone. But you don’t need any reason to save someone.”

One day, as usual, Sherry called her sister to chat, and to update herself on the mission her sister was on, but she kept getting the answering machine. At that time, Sherry thought that perhaps her sister was busy, the mission was sapping her most of the time. However, day after day, Sherry repeated got the answering machine. Sensing something’s wrong, she called Gin.

“I’m not obliged to let you know anything, even if she’s your sister,” Gin replied. “Or maybe I’ll tell you something after you’ve planted a bullet in Akai Shuichi’s head. Or have you fallen in love with him?”

“Damn…” Sherry thought, she knew something was wrong. Something must have happened to her sister.

Not bother to pack her things, Sherry sped off to the airport. Before leaving on the plane, she called Akai Shuichi and left a message in his answering machine.

“Shu, something’s happened to my sister, I need to go back and make sure she’s fine. If… If… If something really happened to her, I… I… I don’t think I’ll return. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Take care, Shu.”

Sherry cried as she left the message. The tears seemed to forebode something bad was to happen.

The moment Sherry touched down in Japan, she went to look for Gin. She didn’t even need to look for Gin to learn of the fate of her sister. News spread quickly within the organisation. The mission failed, her sister died.

“Sherry, have you planted the bullet in Akai Shuichi’s head?” Gin sneered.

“Why did my sister die?” Sherry asked, not bothering to reply to Gin.

“You are in no position to question me,” Gin turned his head away from Sherry. Gin mixed a dosage of sleeping drug into a drink.

When he turned back to face Sherry, he passed her that doped drink. “Drink,” he ordered.

Sherry knew something was wrong with the drink, but her body was incapable to disobeying Gin. Without thinking, she picked up the drink and finished it.

“Isn’t that so easy, Sherry? Why must you always disobey me and make me angry?” Gin sneered.

Sherry brought her hand up and brought it right across Gin’s face leaving a bright red patch there. “Asshole,” she muttered before collapsing on the ground as a result of the sleeping drug.

When she awoke, she found herself in a small room, her wrist was handcuffed. There was no sign of Gin. Gin had gone off to seek medication to remove the swell on his face where Sherry had slapped. Surprisingly, Sherry felt a sense of peace in her. She had lost everything, and there was nothing left for her to lose anymore.

Surveying the room, Sherry spotted her newly developed drug lying in a small bottle. She had passed a bottle to Gin for safekeeping when her researched was successful. Apparently, Gin did not think that her drug was that successful to be important for safekeeping. With nothing more to lose, Sherry decided to commit suicide with that drug. On the best case circumstance, she might not die, and she might be able to escape, on the worst case circumstance, she would just die, and not let herself be tortured by Gin any more.

“Argh…” Sherry screamed as the drug went down her throat. She passed out.

When she came to, she found her hands had slipped off the handcuffs. The clothes she had on were too big for her. Her body had prematured.

Suddenly, she heard footsteps coming in from outside. Sherry squeezed her small body out of the small window and fled in the darkness. “Where can I go?” she asked herself. The world was so wide and big, but there was nowhere for her to hide herself from the organisation. She definitely was not able to go back to Akai Shuichi. She did not even have an identity now.

“You can have one hundred, one thousand reasons to kill someone. But you don’t need any reason to save someone.” That line popped up in her head again. “Kudo Shinichi.”

“You will save me won’t you, Kudo Shinichi,” she asked. “Please save me, Kudo Shinichi. You are the only one who can save me now.” With that, her tiny body fell onto the snow, just outside Kudo Shinichi’s house, she passed out…