An Insight, dedicated to Wei

Before writing this piece, I thought hard, should I write down all those he said today and my thoughts about it. One thing, these things are what he said, not nuggets of my originality, another thing, I'm afraid, people might misunderstand me. But then, if I down note down what happened today and the exchange we had, I'm afraid that I might forget it. So, here I am, trying to craft my words.

Wei, please read these short stories I wrote, preferably in this sequence...
http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2006/01/sorry.html
http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2006/02/9-months.html
http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2006/02/yesterday-and-today.html
Well, if you don't read it, I can go on anyway since it means you are not reading me.

The thing about blogs is that blogs are public, anyone and everyone can read it. My friend in question, similarly can read my blog, and I know he does, only that most of the time my blog is too wordy for people's liking, and hence they really miss out on the juicy nuggets of my writings. But the fact that not many people read everything is also what drives me to write more. I can write about anything I want to and not care about others since they will just glance through the parchment of words and take it that nothing is interesting.

To the main point. I was having a very illuminating discussion about love, life and sex with a friend, and he brought up insights to me that made me realise what my problem is, and now that I actually am able to identify my problem, I'm sure I'm on my way to the next level, at least that's what I hope.

I have never seen my friend as your typical male that fits into the mould of every guy since I had never seen him as a guy, he was either a boy to me or just a genderless friend, but today, he made me realise that he is in fact a typical male. And made me also realise that basically all men think alike. I might not see them as men, but ultimate what rules their action is not their that head on top but the other head, the sucky one, insert whatever pun you can think of.

My friend is a great friend, and has always been a great friend. He was there for me previously when I went through all my problems and I can say, he's been just great. What's greater is that we can just talk about anything, and our topic after lunch ventured into the area of fuck buddies.

He seemed surprised that I knew what a fuck buddy was, I was actually surprised that he found it surprising since he knew where I was from, but that's not the main point. After writing the above three stories, the natural order is for me to write a piece about fuck buddies, especially one from a he point of view, so I started asking about his views towards fuck buddies.

"I don't think I'll find a fuck buddy among my friends. Maybe if one day I have a one night stand and I meet the girl again, we can be fuck buddies, but it'd be weird to have friends around you as your fuck buddy." Well, I think the opposite actually, but my opinion isn't important. What the friend has put forward in front of me is how the general male population thinks.

"A guy cannot be inexperienced in front of his wife. It is very embarrassing. Similarly, it would be just as embarrassing for a guy to be unable to perform in front of his wife. So, men, more likely than women need to have a fuck buddy to practise with and also ensure that they would be able to perform when they need to in front of their wives. Also, the men can try out new things with their fuck buddy before they do anything with their wives." I thought the opposite, but likewise my opinion doesn't matter. This is part of my greatest fear, and also what has marked my doom.

This made me realise that I have seriously underestimated the man's ego. I've always prided myself as someone who can shamelessly feed other people's ego with my superflolous usage of superlatives, but never did I realise that this did not mean that I understood everything I needed to understand about egos.

I always thought that a man should have a bigger ego when in front of a stranger, or the fuck buddy in question, but it turned out that men nurse a bigger ego in front of their wives. I always thought as the submissive woman that a woman should always feed her husband's ego and not question anything about her husband's (in)experiences and (in)abilities, but it seems that I can think whatever I want to and my husband would think differently.

Then I posed a difficult question to the friend, who he want his wife to be a virgin.

"Well, I can't say anything, especially in a modern society." pause... Then he continued... "Actually I think there are still quite a lot of virgins around. Maybe the percentage is about 60-40." I still would like to say that I don't agree with what he said but then again, I thought of all those pathetic stuff left around, those people that no one would want to touch even with a ten metre pole, oh well... But that's not the main point. The main point is that (hu)man are selfish creatures. Everyone wants themselves to be more experienced than their partner but they want their partner to be a virgin. Or is this more of an ego problem rather than a problem of selfishness?

In a perfect world, or in a world I've created myself, I'd say I'd like it that both the husband and wife be inexperienced and they can slowly work towards experiences together, but of course, we don't live in such a world.

Then I thought back about the point my friend brought up about fuck buddies. Say, given an inexperienced couple, and the guy wants to boost his ego in front of his wife, the possible solution is to turn to a fuck buddy and build up experiences before he does anything to his wife. The world sounds so much gloomier with such a thought played into my mind.

Then a question popped into my mind "Won't the guy feel shy or embarrassed in front of the fuck buddy?" But well, the answer came a me a little while later, it didn't really matter because the fuck buddy isn't that important to the guy. The guy has no need to know whatever the fuck buddy feels towards them, they won't be affected by the (negative) feelings of the fuck buddy. Then I realised the degree of seriousness in my problem.

I guess this holds the truth in the old saying that a man can go out and have all the women in the world but at night he will ultimately return to his wife's bedside.

Being someone who has encountered enough examples of (hu)man straying, I find that a social effect that has is negative repurcussions is that there will be a breakdown in trust between couples. Especially me, I don't know how can I ever bring myself to fully trust a guy's words. Even if he can verbally assure me that he will never leave me as his wife how can I be eased knowing that there might be a possibility of sharing him with a fuck buddy? Everyone of his actions would be greeted with suspicion and imaginations of him trying things out on a trial run with the fuck buddy first.

But then again, how to build a solid foundation of a relationship without the most basic trust?

The friend gave possible suggestions, "The guy can look for foreign brides, the foreign brides are stupid enough not to question anything and they will be downright loyal. Even if the foreign bride becomes smart, she'd be smart enough not to question, and remain loyal until you die so that she can claim her inheritance. Women can look to a sperm bank. They can have kids from the donated sperms, and not be bothered about men and what the men do to them." Of course, I don't like the idea of that prospect.

I think a lot of time, we get swayed by ideas and characters on television and in movies that we seem to think that (hu)man are generally nice creatures and when there is true love, people are willing to change for their love ones. Well, televisions only want to make money and they can only profit from love stories because that is what people like. In reality of course this doesn't not hold. Yes, there might still be true love in reality, but love cannot be eaten, it is something intangible. Who knows what would have happened?

I really enjoyed talking to my friend this afternoon. I thought about so much things and many of those things have opened up my vision to the world, giving me insights to what possibly some people might think. Although I still do not know what to do regarding my problem, I know at least that I have a peace of mind and that whatever decision I made would be the correct one.

Friend, let's have lunch again some other time. Hopefully by the time we next have lunch I can have sorted through the shitload of my problems and reach a consensus with myself about what I should do about it and how things should come to a full circle.

But in the meantime, I can still search around for more inspiration for my book and continue this new theme short stories collection, under the theme of prozac community. Watch this space for my next story, very possibly some with the topic of fuck buddies, and instead of following the female protangonist's point of view we can look in through things from the man's point of view. After all, I've learn so much more about the man's view of his sex life.

Enjoy my stories folks, and if you have a burning comment to put down, please don't feel shy to voice out your thoughts. If not, please support me by buying my books. Once I mangage to find a publisher, please get ready to buy my books from me.