Tuesday, February 28, 2006

You Know They Are Your Friends For Life

What sort of photos are able to bring tears into your eyes?
Pictures of war with dead bodies lying around, or dead bodies of little children harmless and innocent, or pictures of your loved ones who are no longer here with you, or a picture of that first love you once held to dearly onto? To me, it's just a photolog of my dearest friends preparing for my birthday party. I know that they will be my friends for life. No matter what I become in the future, a superstar or a lone beggar, they will still stick by my side.

But before I present you the couple of pictures which brought tears to my eyes, please do me a little favour and vote for me here:

These are the photos from Eunice's camera. The resolution is not very high. Eunice, did you resize the photos anot ah? How come the photos so small?

In parties where a number of groups of people are invited, it's always common to see the host not being able to be a good host and take care of every individual need, I feel quite bad not being able to stick around the girls for a longer time and just chat with them. But seeing them so understanding, I really feel happy that I have this group of friends around me.


As Jasmine was writing about she and Yingling picking out my card, I already felt a sense of warmth in me, snug and good that I had friends who cared. Looking at them writing my card, I was warmer and snugger than I thought I could be.



One thing about cards is actually that you can find out the price of any card from any decent card maker. Because cards are meant to be given away to people, it would be atrocious to have any pricetags stuck on the card, so to make do with pricetags on cards and also to make cards nett priced, card makers price coded most cards. Cards by Hallmark and other leading brands all adopt this price coding system. But the downside to it, the price code is printed in full view on the back of the card so a person familiar with the codings can tell how much the card costs.

Of course, it's not about the price of anything. It seeing how for friends fill up the card with their thoughts and writings and how that touches you. I love my friends, just as they love me. Thank you girls~

On a side note, actually although Forever Friends does have that nice connotation to it, I'm a big fan of Tat Teddy~ hahahaha~ Anybody want buy me metoyou bears?


I forgot momentarily that by holding a party in Sentosa, my guests actually had to pay the $3 entrance fee. I'm really sorry about it. But seeing these friends happily boarded the bus and taking that thrill ride over to Sentosa. I feel blessed~ To many people, this might be just a normal thing you'd do for your friend, but I've been through some pretty bad times lately. I think if you follow my blog you can trace my mood swings, yea, so I'm really really happy that despite all my swings, I still have friends who cared.

Last time when I was trying to get out of my depression, I thought myself every moment I felt horrible that actually I am blessed. I am blessed to have so kind friends and just happy to be in this world living life.


The girls making their way to the beach where I was being buried under the sad at that time. Wait on for one more day before I get to meet Cindy and get from her the photos of me kena buried, but I guess you can read it here at her blog if you want.


The girls on the beach tram making their way to my location, under the sand... hehehe~


Joan just out of the sand~ On the phone, actually that call was from the girls. They just saw me and snapped at me while I was still disoriented from the sun and the stupid staring banglas. Lucky I have Cingy and Xinli to block me from all those banglas.


At a barbeque, there'll be the prerenial question, who was to help me barbeque? I certainly was not prepared to barbeque, since I need to go around chatting with my friends and guests. The girls, always being the best, took initiative and help me and the rest of my guests to cook~


And also deriving joy in the meantime. Making out my initials with the food, I'm glad I'm jal~


I was pretty scared that by cooking they might not have enough to eat or that they would not be able to have fun, but they proved my otherwise. They were having fun playing with the food, making funny poses and they were in fact eating a lot too~


Me eating the food the good friends cooked for me. It fills up my stomach as it filled up my heart with warmth. I think I'm getting a bit mushy here, but what to do, me really so touched mah... wahahaha~


A group photo. Well, a pity Jiadai was not able to make it, but it's still great that they all managed to come. We all look so pretty~


Eunice managed to take some pics of me when I got pushed into the water. For the whole blow by blow account of me entering the water, here you go complete with pictures.


The girls would be the last people I'd have guessed who'd throw me into the water. Why? Because half of them can't swim! hahaha... Look at these two girls, sso frightened that I might nudge them into the water that they escaped far away from me. Especially Jasmine, I remember talking to her once about my beach party. She was saying she wanted to throw me into the water, but I said she won't because if she did that I'd make sure she gets into the water too, and true enough she quickly changed her mind after that. She's the girl when having PE swimming lessons have to go under the category of beginner beginner.


I had fun that night. Thank you girls.

I had wanted to put this up just now, but my internet connection kept giving me problems. For the whole afternoon and evening I was dc-ing and I can't even get anything done. I wasn't even able to have a decent chat with anybody and neither was I able to rally people to vote for me. The thing good about staying in a condo is that you have a lot of people all using wireless and you can tap into their wireless. Because my estate is pretty well to do, no one bothers to use password to lock up the wireless connection. It's not that I don't have wireless, it's just that mine isn't working, okay...

I was at some relative's house once, I did a wireless track and came up a long list of people with wireless but all security enabled. I guess different peoples have different sort of mentality. For all I know my neighbours might also have been stealing my wireless to use since I have it switched on 24/7 and mine isn't security enabled either.

You know they are your friends for life when you tear when you see pictures like this~

Cardcaptor Sakura all over again

I think I must be mad. I took out the VCDs from when I was 15 years old to watch them all over again when I'm now 21 years old. And I still get emotional over all the cute characters, especially Touya and Yuki (I shall call him what Touya calls him, I don't care), and Sakura and Syaoran.

And before I forget, vote for me here: http://nusartsclub.org/blogfest/
I feel so buay hiao bai keep asking people to vote for me.

Back to my glossings over Cardcaptor. I was going to bed the other day when I noticed that on my window hung a CARDCAPTOR SAKURA HANGING POSTER!!! It was there since like I was 15/16 that I hadn't noticed it being there.


The CDS girls bought it for me for my 15 or 16 birthday. I highly suspect it's for my 16 birthday but there's also a possibility that it might be my 15 birthday, and I've just passed my 21 birthday, so that makes it *pauses to count using her fingers* 5-6 years already. Oh my God! I'm this old. My VCDs are this old. This is starting to sound a bit scary man... They bought that poster for me because I was in a Cardcaptor craze then, and it's also rather scary to think that I'm still crazy over Touya and Yuki, and Sakura and Syaoran.

To give Sakura and Syaoran some credit, it's because I'm still reading Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle starring the both of them that's why I'm still head over heels in love with them.

I was talking to a friend about cute Yukis after she saw my previous posting about all Yukis in manga and anime all damn cute and damn shuai characters, so I took special not of Yukito when watching my VCDs. He's not say very shuai actually, but it's his aura. I was telling Andrew korkor that no man is ugly, only that they do not know how to show people their most positive side. Yukito has grey hair, wears specs and is half a head shorter than Touya. Okay, give Yukito some credit, Touya is really damn tall and shuai, so Yuki can't be compared. But still, look at Yuki.

*planning to insert a picture of Yuki, but something's wrong with Flickr* Damn... Okay, worse, I now have two of Yukito's face in my Flickr page. What's wrong with Flickr today?

Okay, now see Yukito...
He's not really that shuai, but if I tell you that he's a great sportsman, excelling in basketball, football, archery, among others, would you see him in a different light? And that he's gentle and a very very nice and well mannered person, now can you see an aura forming around him? That is called shuai~

Sidenote to Andrew korkor, if you want to be shuai, it's not about how you look, but about how you feel you look. If you think losing a couple of kgs can increase your confidence and make you feel as though you look better then so be it, but if you are lazy but still want to look good, this is a useful trick to use. Another useful trick is what I was telling you about the other time, the theory of Goebbel's Big Lie, saying a lie loudly and repetitively will make it become a perceived truth.

Touya is your standard shuai ge. Tall, dark, handsome...
Not only that, he's the leading football player in his school's football team. He can tease his sister to nuts which just adds to his charm, we all love a bad boy don't we?

But that's not the point, I'm not talking about them individually but then together. I haven't watched the scene where Touya transfers his powers to Yue (aka Yukito) yet, but from the building up to that scene, I can sense the increasingness of Touya's tenderness towards Yuki. A friend was commenting that I don't look like those who appreciated shounen-ai genre of manga, but actually, I do. I don't mind male homosexuals, but don't put a lesbian in front of me, I'll freak out.

I think I've said this over and over again, I really really love the way Touya calls Yukito Yuki. I think the person voicing Touya's really great, I can feel the passion of Touya everytime he mentions Yuki.

I've talked so much yet not reached my main point. The main point today is that I've watched the episodes of Sakura and Syaoran in the elevator when Syaoran first calls out "Sakura!" and another episode when he called out "Sakura" in front of Meiling. The emphasis is that Syaoran call Sakura "Sakura", not "Sakura-chan". I hadn't noticed this until I rewatched it after I wrote this entry. I think it's after writing things out and mentally analysing it that when you go through the event again you'd get a different conclusion.

As I was watching Sakura and Syaoran, I thought of myself too.

Syaoran doesn't waste anything, he started out feeling shy not knowing what to call Sakura, but when he does, he really called her Sakura. I don't think Sakura noticed it, she's not supposed to anyway, that Syaoran really called her Sakura without any suffix, she really means a lot to him.

Let him be HE. I never called HE by his name, not just because I didn't know what to call him but partly because I'm too shy to bring myself to call him by his name. Just like Syaoran not knowing what to call Sakura. But unlike Syaoran, I still am unable to call him by his name. Maybe for me it doesn't matter now since I don't think I'll ever call him by his name anymore.

Then there's also due to a change in circumstances that I have to bring myself to change my address of somebody to another name. I was introduced to him as Steve, and that was what I called him then, but due to a change in circumstances, I'm now calling him Steven. It's more like the opposite of what Sakura called Syaoran. She used to call him "Li-kun", but after he started calling her "Sakura", she started calling him "Syaoran-kun", I don't know when would be the day she'd call him "Syaoran", but that's certainly not within this anime. My calling of Steven as such marks, unlike Sakura, a distancing I have with him. Well, human relationships are that intricate.

Yea... That was my main point. When I was watching the VCD and came to the part where Syaoran called Sakura "Sakura" the second time, and the third time, it dawned onto me, HE'S CALLING HER SAKURA, NOT SAKURA-CHAN!!! It's a pretty important discovery because not Touya calls Yukito "Yuki" and Yukito calls Touya "Touya". And that everyone else in the show except for her father and brother calls Sakura "Sakura-chan".

Nothing escapes Tomoyo's eyes though. I like her look of surprise when she heard Sakura call Syaoran "Syaoran-kun" instead of "Li-kun". Likewise I also like that stunned look of Meiling when Syaoran called Sakura "Sakura" instead of "Sakura-chan" or "Kinomoto-chan"

From the name entry I wrote the last time, I also mentioned that I have no idea what to call this particular friend of mine, right? I now have slowly pondered and decided what I should call him should I meet him again. I shall call him by his name, not his nickname, not his shortened name, not his initials, not what other people would call him. Circumstances have changed, people have changed, and well, I have changed too. I'm thinking, really, there's quite a large possibility that I might meet him again under suspecting circumstances.

Unlike Cardcaptor, Tsubasa doesn't have all this seemingly there but not quite there yet relationships among the characters. Sakura and Syaoran are already a pair in the beginning of the story and Touya and Yukito are also a pair already, but of course there are different trials and tribulations for them.

A paraphrase from a quote from Tsubasa, the memories might be lost, but the feelings are still the same. *suddenly an image of some memory erasing picture flashes by* ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND!!!
read this
and this
The memories of events that happened between Joel and Clementine were ereased but when they met each other again, that strong feelings of love was still there never lost. Be it that Sakura in Tsubasa might have lost her memory of everything regarding Syaoran but I believe she still loves him. And again another paraphrase of a quote, Touya telling Yuki, that his past memories might all have been a lie, but at least from the day they've met, all their memories that they shared were real.

For people who have absolutely no clue about what Cardcaptor or Tsubasa is, can look at these links:
Cardcaptor Sakura

Wikipedia is absolutely amazing. It has everything. I can check anything from manga and anime to history to sports to television.

Okay, I'm going back to continue my VCDs already, hopefully I can manage to catch more intricate details that implies the subtle relationships between the various characters~

Monday, February 27, 2006

Joan Kena Thrown into Pool

I just woke up. Most of the photos are still with Cindy and Eunice and I won't be able to get them till Wednesday, but since I'm so excited now, and I'm such a masochist, I shall post some of the photos my friends helped me take as they pushed and throw me down the chalet swimming pool.

If you enjoy my blog, please remember to vote for me: http://nusartsclub.org/blogfest/

I'm quite a bit surprised I actually got into the finals as I think my blog is just like me, following my mood swings and everything, and the past few days I'm been like pretty down and didn't go out and never get high and totally no pictures laden. I shall make it up today~

Most photos don't actually show me in a very good light because I was sweaty and oily from the beach games I played in the afternoon and I was also buried by my friends under the sand, pictures with Cindy, so can't show u now, but you guys can read about it in her blog http://dasscindylebt.blogspot.com/2006/02/joans-birthday-celebration-at-sentosa.html... I'm sorry I'm doing the whole url instead of putting hyperlinks, I'm too lazy today... hehehe...

But at least I changed out of my beach wear and donned a sarong.
Thanks to Shihui, who helped me with the tyings, Stanley and William with their eye power, and the cds girls who came in later and helped to finish off with the tyings.

Before the celebrations, me took photos with groups of my friends, and well, look at this seemingly harmless people. I thought if anybody was to throw me into the water, it'd be the 4B people, those devious people who are capable of inflicting harm, but they as usual, end up cocking more than doing.
Three thin girls...

Actually they were saying that they hadn't wanted to push me into the pool, they only wanted to see the 4B people throwing me into the pool, but they had to go off early and the 4B people weren't doing any action yet, so before they left they said they wanted to take one last picture with me, and we stood by the pool, and down I went into the water... wahahaha~

This two stupid guys, to think I keep asking them making sure that they are full, they actually conspired to throw me into the water. But I went in liao le, so they wanted to down me a second time. Luckily Jinsen screw up and he just ended up pushing me into the water.

This is the first time I got into the water. I can't remember who was holding the camera.

the slipper came out... Lucky my Havianas float~ If not I'd have to dive down 2.0m to get them.

My sarong actually was also very light and not water absorbent which was good since it didn't weigh me down.

Eunice liked this photo, she says I look like I have seaweed over my face. Like mermaid like that~ hehehe... This is currently my MSN display picture.

This was what I looked like when I came out of the water. I think it looks pretty nice, too bad my face not that nice. Luckily I was too lazy to put on make up, if not my face would be ruined. Luckily I didn't change into a dress, if not I'll ruin my dress and zhao-gng like siao. I think I sorta expected that I'll end up so poor thing ba... bleahz~

The moment I saw the pool, and the 2.0m depth, I thought that that pool was meant for dunking purposes. Too shallow a pool, if you dunk someone in, there's a possibility that that person would hit his head against the pool floor and that would be disastrous. My friends know that I swim, I guess that's why they all had no qualms making sure I got into the water, I won't drown, even at 2.0m.

But the stupid thing is that nobody actually joined me in the water. The girls couldn't swim, those who could swim were wearing nice clothes and I didn't bear to make them wet, they also hadn't brought extra clothes. The guys who were sporting enough to be dunked were well, big and heavy and no one was able to get them down the water. sucks...

But the least I can do was to give people hugs after I came out of the water~

This was the second time I was down into the water. Thank you hor, Jinwei and Jinsen...

Me giving a chuchu kelian look. But no use, nobody pitied me... wahaha~

Okay, I shall end here, maybe I'll write my thank you entry later tonight, maybe I'll post the whole even blow by blow account with the pics from Cindy and Eunice on Wednesday. Forgive for giving so much parchment to my birthday, I'm only 21 years old once in my whole lifetime~

Sunday, February 26, 2006

Newly Minted 21 Year-old

The party was pretty disappointing in the beginning, but the friends and company really salvaged everything. *hugs* I love all of you guys, really made my day. This will be a short entry since I'm very tired now, more on the party together with pics later on.

In short, I got buried, I got thrown into the swimming pool, twice.
But I also got quite a bit of stuff from my birthday wish list, and lots of ang paus.
I also got fatter. damn...
The thanks you greetings will be duly sent too, after I'm well rested.
After all, I'm only once 21 year old.

Another thing to note, Cindy just messaged me informing me that my blog's shortlisted for the blogfest thingie, so please vote for me.
The link's here, I'm not so sure how to vote, erm... When I've sorted out my thoughts, will rally myself again.

Yea... and to the couple of people who left messages on my blog wishing me well after my that last emo-entry, also lots of thanks to you.

Think I'm not thinking well tonight, must be the drinks I had with my sister and my cousin, I've brought two underaged girls drinking, and we've made a date for me to bring the two of them for Brokeback Mountain. I think I'm getting more irresponsible as I age. wahaha~ Till later~

Saturday, February 25, 2006


I cannot help but feel tired every day even though I have nothing to do.
I cannot help but not feel excited even though it's my party.
I cannot help but not feel like doing anything even though it's my birthday tomorrow.
I cannot help but feel like leaving all the preparations to the parents.
I cannot help but allow the tears to stream down gently.
I cannot help anything.

I'm supposed to be excited and everything, the people have sent their wishes, the guest list is up, the food and preparations are ready, the presents will be sent, but here I am not being able to fall asleep and listening to Miriam Yeung's 《小城大事》. Why is this so? I don't know.

I haven't had a cheery post for quite some time already, and it seems to get gloomier by the day.

I'd like to thank all those who wished my happy birthday at the stroke of the clock. Thank you Peiyi for being the first to wish me happy birthday via MSN, but that's because she wished me minutes before the clock struck, she wanted to sleep early. Thank you Huijing, nice chatting with you despite you being so busy, please don't forget me hor... Thank you Greg and William too. Via SMS, Chenqing, Victoria, and Shuyi sent their blessings, thank you. And most of all, I'd like to thank Jinwei for calling me up to wish me despite his hetic Mapling schedule, I'm really touched.

In contrast, I feel that I'm not a very good friend. I forget people's birthday, I give people useless stuff for their birthdays, I don't wish them happy birthday. For a year I gave out Wubai's CDs for every single one of my friend for their birthdays, this year I'm giving out Body Shop stuff.

I hope this year on I can return to the Joan of before. The girl who can get infatuated over (only she thinks) shuai guys, the girl who gets excited over the littlest things, the girl who believes in hope, the girl who is just plain cute. A (once) friend of mine said that innocence is one thing that upon losing will never find it back. I think I can oppose that. Lately I've been back to being that excited girl who goes gaga over the (only she thinks) shuai guys. My MSN nick is always about *him*, I stick around in school and exclaim about *his* sightings to non-interested friends.

I'm back to my usual diet of Wubai songs to keep me company, and fantasise in a world of him. Even though he's married now, I still can dream can I?

That day I was at Parkway, sighting this cute guy working there. I spotted him from long ago, me always patronising that store, but he's just like the displays in the store, a cute sight. But well, the idea of me going hunk spotting is such a remote concept lately that suddenly for a little moment I felt I was that young and innocent girl all over again, just with a little baggage of jade, perhaps.

Maybe I'll blog more later, I'm feeling really really jaded now. I need rest, but I can't sleep. blah... And I miss you...

Update: Thanks Andrew korkor~

Thursday, February 23, 2006

The Name Game, live from Chelsea vs Barcelona

I'm so freaking nervous now, so if I sound as though I'm rambling, please ignore me. I rarely get tensed up over matches, mainly because my team always wins, but now my tea,'s playing against one of the top teams in Europe with a man less, how can I not be nervous? *cross fingers*

Back to my name story, I was rewatching Cardcaptor Sakura.

GOAL!!! From a Lampard free kick, not so sure if there was a header or a deflection.

During half time I was chatting with Eugene korkor, I was pretty upset over Del Horno's red card. I thought it was a collision and rendered no card at all. Eugene korkor thought it looked like a miskick, maybe a yellow card. Since anyway, in spite of our speculations, Del Horno has already been red carded and we can't do anything about it so I was telling Eugene korkor that I wanted Chelsea to get a penalty, or maybe a goal from a free kick. In Eugene korkor's words, "you wish lor", I said, "I wishing lor". And indeed, my wish came through~ I shall go on wishing~

Back to my story a second time, I was rewatching Cardcaptor Sakura, and I noted a couple of idiocyncracies between the name callings of the characters. This made me think about my own name calling idiocyncracies.

In Japanese culture, or rather, in anime culture, all cute girls' names comes with the suffix of -chan. Sakura becomes known as Sakura-chan, Tomoyo Tomoyo-chan, and so on. Male classmates are known as -kun, and others are -san.

DAMN!!! A fucking equaliser. By another free kick.

And I just noticed, the opening goal was credited as a Motta own goal, and the equiliser was also credited as an own goal. A Terry own goal somemore. NONONONONO~~~ My Terry... How can he be credited with an own goal. I now need another free kick, or a penalty. I don't know how my heart's going to take this game. I'm so freaking excited now. I think I'm going to get a heart attack soon. Terry made two great saves. yea... My Terry...

Back to my namings! I haven't said my main point yet and I keep getting interrupted by the match. The -chan, -kun, and -san suffixes are normal and can be heard by all Japanese and anyone who watches Jap dramas or anime would know about it, but my main point this morning is the usage of suffixes by the characters and their relationships with the other characters in Cardcaptor.

FUCK!!! Barcelona got another fucking goal. And they're on away advantage. I think I'll just die two weeks later, my heart cannot take it. I think it's all that referee's fault. He shouldn't have sent off Del Horno. I've been giving on the spot live commentery to Andrew korkor since the start of the second half. Apparently, Andrew korkor's brother is also giving him his version of live commentery. Now, Andrew korkor has changed his nick to 'Dante - "SOCCER FANS! I DO _NOT_ NEED YOUR LIVE REPORTS!" - Yours truly, Basketball Fan'. I think it's damn funny. hahahaha~

Okay, where was I previously, name calling. Interestingly, there are occasions where no suffixes are used, and that signifies a more than close relationship between people. Usually only family memebers drop the use of suffixes with other family memebers. Sakura's father and brother both call her Sakura instead of Sakura-chan which everyone else uses. Sakura's father also calls Touya Touya. But Touya calls Yukito Yuki, without any suffix, and even without the -to, he's the only one in the anime to call him such. Touya and Yukito have this I'd say very special relationship and this name calling between them only signifies their closer than close relationship. Likewise, Yukito calls Touya Touya.

I compare this with Touya calling his ex-girlfriend Kaho. He called her Kaho and after three years of separation, when he met her again, he still called her Kaho. Not Kaho-san, not Kaho-chan, but just plain Kaho. Does he still like her? Kaho too called Touya Touya when she met him again. Does she still feel something for him? Or is the close relationship between them still a close relationship even after their separation? I think they're still close friends, now that they both have someone else important in their lives, it makes things more interestin. Compare Kaho with Yukito, does this mean that Touya and Yukito even at the opening scenes of the anime are already together even if they not noticed it? I'm suspecting so.

The match has officially ended, 1-2 to Barca. Me feel like screaming Baka! A check with ESPNsoccernet, 2-2 for Ajax and Inter, and Rangers and Villareal, and 3-2 for Werder Bremen and Juventus. hmm... Quite surprising Werder Bremen was able to beat Juventus because Werder's not really that strong a European team. Borowski scored a goal though, I like Borowski, my second favourite German player after Klose, maybe that's why I've this soft spot for Werder because they have two of my favourite German players. Another thing interesting to note, Forlan has a goal to his name too. hahaha~ Nothing for or against Forlan, but I always thought he's some sort of a joke. hehehe...

With football over and my heart's still beating very fast, I don't think I'd be sleeping anytime soon. So back to the anime, I've slotted another disc in and I'll continue my findings on the name thingie. I also use some suffixes to people's names, one of such suffix that I commonly use is the -korkor. In my live report from the football match, I've already named two of my friend whom I use the suffix -korkor on, Eugene korkor and Andrew korkor. I use this suffix one male friends (I guess it's pretty obvious why I only use it on males huh...) whom I feel I've an affinity with, or some other times I use it to deh male friends, not necessarily having to be older than me.

Another suffix I use is -uncle, and -auntie. Not to real old uncles and aunties but to friends who're naggy and long winded. It's usually a one off thing and I don't end up always calling them that.

Another idiocyncracy from the anime is the manner Li Syaoran calls people. He calls Meiling Meiling not because he likes him but because he treats her as his sister. He calls all other people by their family name instead of their personal name which is quite unusual for children because almost everyone on the anime calls Sakura Sakura-chan. erm... wait... I can't use Sakura as an example because Syaoran doesn't call Sakura anything at all, especially when he started falling in love with her.

For someone whom you like but dare not say out loud, you feel awkward regarding what you should be calling them. I think that's what Syaoran feels. It was only until after he decided to be true to himself and be open with his feelings toward Sakura that he started calling Sakura, Sakura-chan. In fact, his first utterance of Sakura was plain Sakura, shouted out loud.

I face the same problem with Syaoran. For quite some time I didn't know what to call some people, so I ended up not calling them by their names, instead I just open the topic straight. Then for one of them, I started calling his name hoping to bridge the relationship, that failed, so I have since dropped that name calling. For the others, another one I tried to find a way to use a nickname, but I guess I won't be using it. Another one, I think I'll never bring myself to call him by his name. This brings me back to the memories of someone. I used to call him by his name, most of his old friends call him by his initials, his new friends call him by his shortened name. I tried both ways of calling him but they all sound awkward, then I gave up trying, actually in fact, I didn't have a chance to call him anything after that. I don't know what I'd call him if I ever meet him again. Maybe our culture should have a name calling protocol to make my life easier.

For people to know what to call me, I've another set of idiocyncracies. I hate people calling me Jo-an. The name is a single syllabus name, not a double on, so quit calling me by the latter, I won't respond to it, it's not me. I've an English name, so I'd prefer it being called with the English pronounciation. I tend also to have a low impression of people calling me double syllabused because I tend to associate such people as non-native English speakers, and such people don't strike me as very smart people, smart as in articulate and presentable, not the common meaning of smart.

Another great dislike is the use of Joanie. I'm not your cutesy girl, so quit using a cutesy name on me. I know some of my close girl friends do call me that sometimes. I'm usually exasperated with it so I don't say anything. Actually I used to be quite particular about it until it just stucked and I gave up trying, people just can't listen, can they? Joanie also makes me sound young, and I'm nowhere near my youth anymore. But interestingly enough, I enjoy calling people with the suffix -ie whenever possible.

I also dislike people calling me by my Chinese name. To me my Chinese name is a very personal name. Sometimes my grandfather and my deceased grandmother called me that, but other than that everyone else calls me Joan, even my maternal grandparents. Chinese teachers also had to call me by my Chinese name, but that's just because they had to. I seldom let plain friends know my Chinese name, those who know are friends whom I really treat as friends. Sometimes I get too lazy correcting people about what they call me, but that doesn't mean I allow it. Maybe on a good mood, but please refrain.

I also have specific requirements on the writing of my nicks. Be it jal4eva or xxoos, but are to be written in small casing. I allow the writing of JaL4eVa, but only that, not for other variations. Some people like the use of sticky caps, or like to capitalise the first letter, sorry but I don't like it. xxoos has to be all in small casing because of the meaning behind the nick, the hugs and kisses. jal are my initials, so by right they should all be in the same case, but JAL sounds too loud, and reminds me a little of Japan Airlines, so jal was so to be it. I allow JaL4eVa only because sometimes I write it that way myself, it looks pretty. But I mostly write that with pen and paper and not typed out. I think it's the whole internet and emailing that popularised the usage of small casing.

With regards to calling me by my nick, jal4eva is to be pronounced as j-a-l-forever, and not Jal-forever. There is no such name as Jal to me, it's not a single syllabus name, but my initials, so it's to be pronounced as three separate letters. I know j-a-l-forever might sound very tedious to pronounce, so why don't you just call me Joan? And xxoos is pronounced as x-x-o-o-s, not shout cuts no nothing. Sometimes when I'm in a good mood I might accept x, but don't bet on that. Similarly, if my nicks are too tedious to pronounce, I don't have a conventional english name for nothing, just make sure it's pronounced the English way.

Joan, as in Joan of Arc. Don't give me shit that Joan of Arc's real name was Jeanne d'Arc because she was French and start calling me the French way. Jeanne might be French, you can call Jeanne the French way if you want, but Joan is English, call me the English way. By the way, the French pronounciation of Jeanne is supposed to be Joan-sounding, just like Jean's supposed to sound like John.

Ang is pronounced as Ah-ng, not Eh-ng. Ang is the dialect for my Chinese surname, so it sould be pronouced as it is. Some American and British pronounciation of a is eh, so anything with an a in it ends up sounding like eh, but I would like the name to be the ah sounding name. My daddie used to tell me that when he was studying in England his mates used to call him Eh-ng instead of Ah-ng. I'll be going to Germany and the German pronounciation of a is ah, so I don't think I'll face any smart Alecs trying to mispronounce my name.

A name is representation of yourself, so I try and make it a point to have people calling me only by what I want to be called. Some people might call me picky, but the name is mine, I've a right to be called by what I want. It's not that difficult a name to pronounce, so just get it right.

Of course, that's just a general guideline. Deep down, I still wish for a special someone who can call me Joanie, dearie, sweetie, whateverie, or to call me Xiaoping, but only for the special person, to make me feel a bit more special by him, or him to feel special to call me something no one else calls me.

I had started this entry meaning to talk about how I call people, but ended up talking more about myself. I shouldn't have got so carried away. But in another way, I didn't feel like revealling too much about how I treat other people, I guess it's a form of self protection ba.

It's late now. I've long finished with the match, finished another three half hour episodes of Cardcaptor and I'm supposed to wake up early later, so I guess I can only get two hours of sleep. That is if I can sleep. Two weeks later, make or break, the Chelsea team... wahaha~

PS: Although they lost, but there's still two weeks later. We'll make it to the finals this year! May 17, Paris~~~

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Random Rambling

I'm into a whole mood swing mode now. I was supposed to be up and about with a packed holiday, but it came all tumbling down with an SMS telling me he wasn't free. Now I've lost like all interest with doing anything at all and am lying at home doing nothing but reading scanlations and Wikipedia the whole day. I'd problem venture into watching old animes later and football of course, Champions League is back. Other than that I'd probably be sleeping. Try catching my on MSN if you see me online at night, I'm more open to chatting late at nights.

I read the Chinese version, and am keeping up with Chinese scanlations, but I buy the English version for keepsake. I realised one thing, my understanding of the Chinese Language in manga sucks. Remember Rin from this entry? I always thought she was pregnant when I read the Chinese version of scanlations, it was only until reading the English manga that I realised that even though she did have a sexual relationship with Haru, she only had stomach ulcers, nothing serious, and she's definitely not pregnant.

But unfortunatly, she had her long flowing hair snipped off by Akito now.

It has amazing pages on manga and anime, right now, I've read everything in there on Fruitsbasket, Chobits, Tsubasa, Cardcaptor, FMA blah... I think I can get a Wiki in anime and manga. I've also been reading about other stuff like brandings and advertising and really useless stuff. And the history of China from the Xia Dynasty to the Ching Dynasty. I think I really am bored.

I tried reading the latest Fruitsbasket chapters but I can't tell where I stopped at and some chapters are missing, anyway I'd still be buying the series in English version so I will one day fully understand what is going on. But until now, I'm pretty disappointed with where the story is heading. I tired reading Tsubasa too, but I think it's more fun reading it in a book. I head halfway Chobits but not very compelled to complete it. I might read xxxHOLiC if I'm really bored.

Fruitsbasket Scanlations
I am pretty blur with what's happening, and pretty disappointed with where the plot is heading.
***Spoliers Ahead***
I am not for the relationship between Kyou and Touru. I am not a Kyou fan, in fact I prefer Yuki, but now I'm deeply in love with Momiji. I've great pity for Akito too.
Don't know how many of you notice this, sometimes when I'm down I'd use this as my MSN display pic, it's of Akito.
Momiji have grown bigger now, taller and more shuai, and very manly. He's still him though, with his maturity and sometimes little bit of cuteness.
There's too little of Yuki lately and I don't like it. Wikipedia says there'd be altogether 22 books in the series, so if it's true the story would end soon I guess. Looking forward to it~

Another thing being online lately is that I get a lot of first hand news straight off the web.
The interesting this about this is that I read xlx's blog and hence came to know about this incident. That day, two people asked me if I've heard about that news, coincidentally both of them aren't in Singapore now. One's in Aberdeen and the other in Utrecht. The next day, I mentioned about it in passing to two of my friends in school, both haven't heard about it. I asked my dad too, he's working in NYP, nope, he didn't hear about it.

Thanks to a particular kaypoh friend, I actually possess that video, and even the one which features the "before" part. Consolidating what I know, I have lost all faith in our local newspapers. How is it that a person staying 6000miles away in Aberdeen is able to picture a more accurate report to me about that incident together with video evidence than someone who's supposed to be paid to bring us news? I'm totally disillusioned with the local media.

I've read a few blogs by people commenting about that incident. I think it's useless. Really, it's no point putting yourself in her position and comment about what you think because circumstances and commentaries are different matters. And commenting about her as a victim or as a slut or as a whatever is totally a disrespectful act. Who do you think you are to such comment about other people's moralities? I'm also so totally disappointed with people nowadays. I think I'm just so jaded with my own life.

Last night I was talking with a friend regarding this issue and we talked a lot about morality issues. And just nice I had a little brush with my morals that afternoon.

I WANT CHELSEA TO BEAT BARCELONA FLAT AGAIN!!! I'm actually feeling nervous for Chelsea. hai...

My Birthday
I don't feel at all very excited. Maybe it's because most of the preparations were taken on by the parents, like preparing the food and stuff, and friends buying me presents. I've got a few replies from friends telling me what they've bought for me so that I can strike things off the list. I feel touched and a bit comforted that at least I know I won't be getting rubbish for my birthday. I've also received an ang pau from my aunt, a really fat one, I should say. But I just can't bring myself to feel that all excited. I know, that ultimately the ones whom I want most to be there won't be there. Okay, I know still the girls, the cds girls, the 4B people, and my drama people from nus and the ding dings will be there, and Cindy and Xinli, and Eugene korkor, but still hai... I dunno la...

It sucks when you open your MSN and see the majority of the names have a busy sign up there or an away sign. I know two of the people whom I most want to chat don't want to chat with me, so they're often not online and even if they are, the busy and away sign would be up and that sucks.

My Writings
I've been wanting to write, but no mood to write. I've a stroy that wants to be penned out but I feel so tired. Sometimes some lines would enter me but I'm too lazy to put them into paper and they disappear after a while.


Suddenly I've the urge to pull out all my old VCDs and rewatch them. Maybe putting my mind onto something would help. I miss Touya and Yukito. I was reading in Wikipedia that in the original Japanese series, only Touya calls Yukito Yuki and that's their little thing going on, but in the translated versions, everyone calls Yukito Yuki, I hate translations. And in the orginal version, Syaoran doesn't all Sakura Sakura until late in the show, and Tomoyo would then make a fuss out of it, but it's not followed in the translations.

I noticed that lots of manga like to name cute cute male characters as Yuki, like if there's a guy who fits the image of tall, pale, shuai, gentle, nice, and loved by every girl in the school, he'd be called Yuki. I like Yukis.

Ice Hockey
I didn't mention that the other thing that occupies my time lately is the Winter Olympics. I like watching ice hockey. I've always liked ice hockey ever since I watched a Jap drama with this cute guy playing ice hockey. Watching real live action of ice hockey is different, however. It's still fun and interesting. Too bad we don't have an ice hockey team here. I've also been Wiki-ing about winter sports, I think I'm now an expert about ice hockey, curling, skiing, skating, blah-ing.

I officially can say I have no life.

Channel 5
For the first time in years I watched 3 movies on Channel 5 in one weekend. I watched Josie and the Pussycats (again), Kate & Leopold, and Catch Me if You Can (again). I didn't know that they'd be playing Josie and the Pussycats until I checked up the listings online at very handy website and I only watched it because I had nothing better to do. I dozed off halfway.

Kate and Leopold
It brought out the cynic back in me all over again. Usually when I watch this sort of romance film I'd tear, but that night I didn't. In fact I remained stoic for the whole film. Yes, it was romantic and everything, but I'm now a cynic, I know such romance would never exist in reality, so why should I even bother to try and put myself in those shoes? Sucks...

I need some life.

Monday, February 20, 2006

A Reply to Anonymous

A reply to the Anonymous from here

I guess I don't know you right? Or at least, you are not in my MSN list because I openly asked via my MSN nick who is that Anonymous. And if you've seen my MSN nick, I think you wouldn't have posted the next message. *wink wink*

To reply directly to your second comment, it's okay la... It hasn't caused me much hurt or distress, maybe a bit of laughter and amusement, so I guess I won't be deleteing them. I guess, or rather I hope, my profs wouldn't really mind your comment, if they really mind I guess they won't be reading my blog, or continue reading my blog.

Thank you for enjoying my blog, and my photos, although me haven't been putting up much photos lately, been more occupied over the series of short stories.

And erm... It's a bit the upsetting for me to think that you'd actually thought that I'd stop blogging because of this little little comment. No lor... Joan is made of something more that that lor...

Another little thing about leaving comments.

Some people don't allow anonymous comments but I allow them because I'm not afraid of letting those who are afraid to hide behind an anonymous cover. I don't comment anonymously on other people's blogs, I'd as far as possible always use my blogger identity to leave comments so that I can be authenticated, but I don't expect everyone to do the same. I think I understand Singaporeans and all their "afraids".

However, I did turn on word verification. I hope it's not too much of a hassle or something that would turn you away from commenting on my blog. I turned it on because Blogger's really spammed with all those nonsense comments. I've my comments routed directly to my mailbox so I don't want spams in that mailbox. In fact, that mailbox is a pretty new mailbox, I just got it in the past year, so it's not spammed and I love it very much. I love getting emails although I don't really get a lot. Usually, if there's a return email in the comments I'd reply them. I don't like to reply things on my comments box here because whatever I need to say will be said in the blog. This is the space I leave for people who really wants to comment. Only if there's a specific question for me to reply then I'd reply. okay, actually the real reason is that I'm too lazy to reply in the comments. bleahz...

I don't have a tagboard. I used to have it when I first got my blog, but I did away with it after a while because it didn't really serve the purpose for it being there. This comment box is good enough. For most other little little comments people want to give me, they usually MSN me instead, it's so much easier, they think. Maybe it's the nature of my blog, the readership, most of my readers are stalkers. I don't mind stalkers really, as long as you buy my book when I publish it, you can stalk me for all I care.

But seriously, I really wonder how many people really do read my blog, like read every single word of it. I don't think there're really anyone except me who can go through every single word with me. For my photo-laden blog entries, it's easy to read everything since people like pictures and I less luosuo with pictures. But the bulk of my entries aren't picture-laden, I only get cam-whoreish when I'm hyper, and not lazy, most of the time I'm either depressed or lazy, then there'd be those lengthy posts of me and my depression and how low I am. Or when I'm lazy I'd write crap, or not write at all. Can anybody actually go through all my those incoherent posts and read them all? I think even my closest friends don't have that stamina.

I'm not saying this is disappointment because I accept that as fact. And I also have come to regard most blog hoppers as people who hop through loads of blogs every da and are usually pressed for time to read the next blog so they won't want to spend too much time on mine, or the stalkers are people who like looking at pictures to pass time and won't really linger over my writings since they are more interested in pictures. Of course, I am stereotyping.

For my friends, I've enough comments from people who tell me that I write too much. I write as I wish. It's really no problem that you don't read me as long as you buy my book. hahaha~ hmm... At the present rate, I think I only can do vanity publishing which Prof Farrell has expressed his disdain for. But I think I can start out from there then slowly build up a readership base. One day I'll make it big. Eric Khoo did started from vanity filming too, so why can't I?

Okay, I'm digressing... Back to the topic, actually, I've finished with what I want to say. Good night~

Saturday, February 18, 2006

The Man, The A/P Brian P Farrell

As my friends would know, I'm supposed to be going for exchange programme this semester. But as you guys can see me, I'm still hanging around in school. Why?

Currently, I'm attending classes because I bidded for classes during the CORS period. I bidded for class because at that point in time of CORS bidding, my partner university had not contacted me to confirm my place there, so I need back up plans for if the exchange programme was to fall through. A couple of weeks after I got my modules, I got the letter of confirmation from my partner university. But since I've already got my modules, and my name is in the register for the modules, I still went for classes.

Now, I have a big problem. Whether I should go for classes.

I went for classes as per normal, but during the tutorials I told my profs, except for my empire course, a teaching assisstant, that I was going for exchange this semester and that I was not going to complete the module. The general consensus among the profs was that it was okay for me, or rather preferable for me not to do my mid terms since I wasn't to be graded and it would be a waste of time for me to do it.

Then I couldn't take it anymore. I started skipping classes. Worried, I approached some administrative people if there was a way to remove me from the roster so that I need not skip class and be relieved from classes, to make it legitimate for me not to attend classes. Well, let's put it this way, NUS administration seems to like play ball very often. And I became a victim of their ball play.

From the various advices given to me, other than asking me to contact someone else, I gathered these things:
1. I am not allowed to take leave of absence until before I fly.
2. I am not allowed to drop my modules or I'd get a W or F grade.
3. I am not allowed to go for classes or they would bill me for special semester.
4. I have to technically still in the class since my name still appears in the register.

That was explained to me by Rhona from the Dean's Office. To make things clear with my Profs, I emailed all four of them, Prof Farrell, Prof Murfett, Prof Peleggi, and Dr Reuben Wong. Prof Murfett was the first to reply my email the next morning, followed by Prof Farrell, but because my inbox requires me to read the latest email first, so I ended up reading Prof Farrell's email first.

Prof Murfett sent this email to me...
"Hi Joan,
i haven't a clue as to what you should do under these peculiar set of circumstances, but I suspect that my deputy head of department - Prof Farrell - will know what's best from an admin point of view. Let's hope he will be able to enlighten both of us on what to do and when! I guess, from a purely selfish point of view, I would like you to stay in my course for as long as you can - but you really ought to follow Prof. Farrell's advice on this matter. If you do decide to quit, however, please let your other project team members know asap.
Best wishes,
Prof. m.
p.s. Where are you going on exchange? Somewhere cool in all senses?"
Put it this way, I read Prof Farrell's email first. I like the tinge of jibe in the email, the reference to the "deputy head of department". haha~

Prof Farrell, as usual, replied the email with the standard "come see me". I think whatever question I ask him in emails he has been replying them with "come see me". When I ask him question regarding my essays, "come see me", when I ask him to help me write recommendation letter, "come see me". So, me had to make it down to school to look for him. Luckily he asked me to look for him because I had forgotten that I had a duty session that afternoon at 3pm.

Prof Farrell is the man man. Imagine receiving a voice message, "This is A/P Brian Farrell from the History department. Can you call me back at extension XXXX when you get back? Thanks!" in a booming voice, oh man... He's so shuai man~

While we waited for the return call which never did come during my wait, we chatted about my upcoming will be printed and sold one day book, and whether I should be doing a four year course, and of course, my blog.

"Being a writer is like being a professional football player. Of course some people can be that, but it's not that easy." "To be a writer you also need to be in touch with the world. Some people think that being a writer is to go to some cottage in the village and just enclose themselves inside and just write, but some of the best writers I've read worked as waiters in Manhatten." "Actually early historians were wealthy people. They were the ones who had the means to sit and write the whole day without worrying to make ends meet." "You should write more essays and get more practise for writing."

"I think it's better to do a four year course. A three year degree is worthless these days."

"Oh yar, and your blog. Dr Keck asked me to take a look at your blog. It's filled with photos of yourself, and of food, I guess that must be a very Singaporean thing to do." "I must admit you do take nice pictures." "Maybe you'd like to say hi to me on your blog?"

Hello Prof Farrell, the most shuai guy in the whole of NUS~ hmm... Wonder if Prof Farrell knows what shuai is... Yea... I told him pretty honestly that there are little snippets of mentioning of Prof Farrell here and there in my blog. For one, any shuai guy I mentioned will be made comparisons with Prof Farrell. For two, any mention of school in my blog most probably would be accomanied by a slight mention of the shuai shuai Prof Farrell.

here there is this line "With Mr Thompson
One of the greatest History teachers I had, other than Prof Farrell of course... bleahz..."

here there's this paragraph "I finally went for my classes at 2pm, and the other at 4pm. It's amazing to see familiar faces popping up everywhere. I've seen like half the class from both classes from other classes before. Seems like the history community in NUS isn't really that big after all. This semester these two History teachers are new to me, an Italian and a British, very interesting mix of people. And it seems like everyone has something against Prof Farrell, both made jokes about "Brian Farrell". Suddenly can't wait for my Imperialism class with Prof Farrell on Friday, wonder who can he make fun of." By the way, the British lecturer is Prof Murfett and that was not the only lecture in which he made side remarks about Prof Farrell. He regularly refers to Prof Farrell with comments like "You won't need to know the military aspects of the war, I won't test you on that, that's for Brian Farrell's module."

here there is this line in the chat log referring to Dr Reuben Wong
"- xxoos - ruguo. ai says:
that shuai guy?
- xxoos - ruguo. ai says:
yanwei says:
- xxoos - ruguo. ai says:
then i shall do that
- xxoos - ruguo. ai says:
- xxoos - ruguo. ai says:
erm... quite cute looking la...
- xxoos - ruguo. ai says:
not as shuai as farrell
yanwei says:
yanwei says:

here is an entire Farrell gushing entry. Because of the changes made to some things, there are some discrepancies in the facts I've stated in that entry.

here is another entry and this is also the entry which got Prof Gordon to have an interesting conversation with me, of course first making the side mention of his deputy.

here is this comment "Someone said before, he hated Chelsea and her billions, but if his team was to have billions being sponsored by someone else, then it's a different story, the billions would be welcomed by him. That's man for you, all so biased." Ya, that someone is none other than the Arsenal fan himself. bahz~

Okay, I'm too lazy to scroll and look for more side comments to the shuai guy, maybe I should just put something to that effect on my sidebar. hahaha... Should I put it under "fields of obsession" or "likes" or "favies"?

Anyway, after that little talk with the shuai Prof Farrell, he does another very shuai thing. He sent this email to the three other profs and me...
"My dear colleagues,

I am sorting this matter out with the Dean's Office, having just met with Joan. It involves her going on exchange in Germany before the end of the final examination period this semester.

Isn't it just so damn shuai to take matters into your own hands? hahaha~ He's really The Man man.

Back to my problem, I guess I'll still be swinging around school, maybe skipping classes here and there and popping about in and out. I think I'll still be going for my Cold War class, maybe maybe going for the Memory, Heritage and History class, and maybe maybe maybe going for EU and ASEAN, erm... the Empire and Imperialism class shall only be attended if I see how ba... hahaha... I'll try to attend it, but then but then. British India sounds pretty interesting actually although I prefer their clothing. (this is a joke, that is if you are a fashion whore, if not you won't get it, nevermind...)

I've typed a longer than expected entry. Shall end here now. To those who say I only know how to post pictures on my blog, well, the fourth long blog entry with no pictures at all is up here, so I'm not just a camwhore, okay... bleahz...

UPDATE: My modules have all disappeared from my IVLE, even my German for Academic Purposes. hmm...

UPDATE2: I went to look for the man, he said he didn't manage to get in contact with Rhona, there's nothing he can do and nobody has no idea what happened to all my modules. At least, he didn't do anything to them. hmm...

UPDATE3: The Man emailed me...
"Okay Joan, I saw your blog entry, I take your point. :)

And I did not say there was nothing I could do. I said Rona had not gotten back to me and I had not chased up on it. I will, you can count on this. Just be patient, soon you will look back on this and laugh, when you are in Germany.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

This is for boasting purposes...

Grammar God!
You are a GRAMMAR GOD!

Congratulations! If your mission in life

is not already to preserve the English

tongue, it should be. You can smell a

grammatical inaccuracy from fifty yards.

Your speech is revered by the underlings,

though some may blaspheme and call you a

snob. They're just jealous. Go out there

and change the world.

How grammatically correct are you? (Revised with answer key)
brought to you by Quizilla


If you caught what I wrote before then good, if not then nevermind.

What made me change my mind? I don't know... Think I'm going through some mood swings or something ba... hai...

An Insight, dedicated to Wei

Before writing this piece, I thought hard, should I write down all those he said today and my thoughts about it. One thing, these things are what he said, not nuggets of my originality, another thing, I'm afraid, people might misunderstand me. But then, if I down note down what happened today and the exchange we had, I'm afraid that I might forget it. So, here I am, trying to craft my words.

Wei, please read these short stories I wrote, preferably in this sequence...
Well, if you don't read it, I can go on anyway since it means you are not reading me.

The thing about blogs is that blogs are public, anyone and everyone can read it. My friend in question, similarly can read my blog, and I know he does, only that most of the time my blog is too wordy for people's liking, and hence they really miss out on the juicy nuggets of my writings. But the fact that not many people read everything is also what drives me to write more. I can write about anything I want to and not care about others since they will just glance through the parchment of words and take it that nothing is interesting.

To the main point. I was having a very illuminating discussion about love, life and sex with a friend, and he brought up insights to me that made me realise what my problem is, and now that I actually am able to identify my problem, I'm sure I'm on my way to the next level, at least that's what I hope.

I have never seen my friend as your typical male that fits into the mould of every guy since I had never seen him as a guy, he was either a boy to me or just a genderless friend, but today, he made me realise that he is in fact a typical male. And made me also realise that basically all men think alike. I might not see them as men, but ultimate what rules their action is not their that head on top but the other head, the sucky one, insert whatever pun you can think of.

My friend is a great friend, and has always been a great friend. He was there for me previously when I went through all my problems and I can say, he's been just great. What's greater is that we can just talk about anything, and our topic after lunch ventured into the area of fuck buddies.

He seemed surprised that I knew what a fuck buddy was, I was actually surprised that he found it surprising since he knew where I was from, but that's not the main point. After writing the above three stories, the natural order is for me to write a piece about fuck buddies, especially one from a he point of view, so I started asking about his views towards fuck buddies.

"I don't think I'll find a fuck buddy among my friends. Maybe if one day I have a one night stand and I meet the girl again, we can be fuck buddies, but it'd be weird to have friends around you as your fuck buddy." Well, I think the opposite actually, but my opinion isn't important. What the friend has put forward in front of me is how the general male population thinks.

"A guy cannot be inexperienced in front of his wife. It is very embarrassing. Similarly, it would be just as embarrassing for a guy to be unable to perform in front of his wife. So, men, more likely than women need to have a fuck buddy to practise with and also ensure that they would be able to perform when they need to in front of their wives. Also, the men can try out new things with their fuck buddy before they do anything with their wives." I thought the opposite, but likewise my opinion doesn't matter. This is part of my greatest fear, and also what has marked my doom.

This made me realise that I have seriously underestimated the man's ego. I've always prided myself as someone who can shamelessly feed other people's ego with my superflolous usage of superlatives, but never did I realise that this did not mean that I understood everything I needed to understand about egos.

I always thought that a man should have a bigger ego when in front of a stranger, or the fuck buddy in question, but it turned out that men nurse a bigger ego in front of their wives. I always thought as the submissive woman that a woman should always feed her husband's ego and not question anything about her husband's (in)experiences and (in)abilities, but it seems that I can think whatever I want to and my husband would think differently.

Then I posed a difficult question to the friend, who he want his wife to be a virgin.

"Well, I can't say anything, especially in a modern society." pause... Then he continued... "Actually I think there are still quite a lot of virgins around. Maybe the percentage is about 60-40." I still would like to say that I don't agree with what he said but then again, I thought of all those pathetic stuff left around, those people that no one would want to touch even with a ten metre pole, oh well... But that's not the main point. The main point is that (hu)man are selfish creatures. Everyone wants themselves to be more experienced than their partner but they want their partner to be a virgin. Or is this more of an ego problem rather than a problem of selfishness?

In a perfect world, or in a world I've created myself, I'd say I'd like it that both the husband and wife be inexperienced and they can slowly work towards experiences together, but of course, we don't live in such a world.

Then I thought back about the point my friend brought up about fuck buddies. Say, given an inexperienced couple, and the guy wants to boost his ego in front of his wife, the possible solution is to turn to a fuck buddy and build up experiences before he does anything to his wife. The world sounds so much gloomier with such a thought played into my mind.

Then a question popped into my mind "Won't the guy feel shy or embarrassed in front of the fuck buddy?" But well, the answer came a me a little while later, it didn't really matter because the fuck buddy isn't that important to the guy. The guy has no need to know whatever the fuck buddy feels towards them, they won't be affected by the (negative) feelings of the fuck buddy. Then I realised the degree of seriousness in my problem.

I guess this holds the truth in the old saying that a man can go out and have all the women in the world but at night he will ultimately return to his wife's bedside.

Being someone who has encountered enough examples of (hu)man straying, I find that a social effect that has is negative repurcussions is that there will be a breakdown in trust between couples. Especially me, I don't know how can I ever bring myself to fully trust a guy's words. Even if he can verbally assure me that he will never leave me as his wife how can I be eased knowing that there might be a possibility of sharing him with a fuck buddy? Everyone of his actions would be greeted with suspicion and imaginations of him trying things out on a trial run with the fuck buddy first.

But then again, how to build a solid foundation of a relationship without the most basic trust?

The friend gave possible suggestions, "The guy can look for foreign brides, the foreign brides are stupid enough not to question anything and they will be downright loyal. Even if the foreign bride becomes smart, she'd be smart enough not to question, and remain loyal until you die so that she can claim her inheritance. Women can look to a sperm bank. They can have kids from the donated sperms, and not be bothered about men and what the men do to them." Of course, I don't like the idea of that prospect.

I think a lot of time, we get swayed by ideas and characters on television and in movies that we seem to think that (hu)man are generally nice creatures and when there is true love, people are willing to change for their love ones. Well, televisions only want to make money and they can only profit from love stories because that is what people like. In reality of course this doesn't not hold. Yes, there might still be true love in reality, but love cannot be eaten, it is something intangible. Who knows what would have happened?

I really enjoyed talking to my friend this afternoon. I thought about so much things and many of those things have opened up my vision to the world, giving me insights to what possibly some people might think. Although I still do not know what to do regarding my problem, I know at least that I have a peace of mind and that whatever decision I made would be the correct one.

Friend, let's have lunch again some other time. Hopefully by the time we next have lunch I can have sorted through the shitload of my problems and reach a consensus with myself about what I should do about it and how things should come to a full circle.

But in the meantime, I can still search around for more inspiration for my book and continue this new theme short stories collection, under the theme of prozac community. Watch this space for my next story, very possibly some with the topic of fuck buddies, and instead of following the female protangonist's point of view we can look in through things from the man's point of view. After all, I've learn so much more about the man's view of his sex life.

Enjoy my stories folks, and if you have a burning comment to put down, please don't feel shy to voice out your thoughts. If not, please support me by buying my books. Once I mangage to find a publisher, please get ready to buy my books from me.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Yesterday and Today

Yesterday was 14.2.2005, they first met. Today, one year later, he has changed, she had changed too, circumstances changed, their relationship changed.

Yesterday, he asked her out, but he asked her too late, she had agreed to go out with someone else. He was disappointed. However, he still tried his very best to try and please her. He offered to give her a lift for her date. It wasn't something just about anyone would do, especially not if you were just rejected by her. She hadn't wanted to accept it, she felt uncomfortable by his actions, but in the end, she agreed.

He had hinted he wanted to ask her out in the weeks before yesterday, but she never did give him a reply. In fact, it wouldn't be factually accurate to say that he asked her out too late. It was just that she hadn't even wanted to accept his date in the first place. She gave excuses, she said she had a meeting with her friends regarding her school activities, then she said she had made plans to meet other people. But it was all bullshit. The other guy only asked her out yesterday, that morning. He was but her spare tyre, only if all else failed then only she would consider him.

Never would she think that a year later, on the night of 14.2.2006 she would regret her decision of yesterday. Give a choice that that events of yesterday could happen again, she would give anything in the world to spend tonight with him. What other guys, what other friends, what other school activities can all be thrown into the rubbish bin. She only wanted him. But of course, yesterday and today are two different days altogether, there was no chance that she could have yesterday repeating itself again today.

She tried to be tactful when she rejected him yesterday. She told him about her priorities clearly, and when there was a chance in plans that the other guy had asked her out, she told him truthfully, there was no reason to lie to him, or maybe she just wanted to hint to him that she did not think that he was anywhat important to her. But he was persistent. Even though he knew that she had a date with the other guy, he still offered to give her a lift to where she was heading. It didn't matter to him whatever his position was to her, he just wanted to do all he could for her. Or maybe, with today's hindsight, he was but lonely.

After his persistent attempts, she finally relented, also because she was running late and she didn't want to be very late for her date with the other guy. Still she felt bad to him. She felt she was just making use of his kindness in achieving something totally selfish. She felt as though she was bruising his ego and she didn't like it, but he assured her that he was fine with it. He just wanted her to have a nice date be it whomever she was having it with.

Today would be the opposite. She would give everything up in the world just so that she could send him for his date. She would even be willing to be his cook and waitress and prepare dinner for his date and wait on them hand and food just so that she could be with him, but of course, he would never allow that to happen today.

It sounds so ironic that yesterday when he was such a nice guy, she didn't like him, but today, he treats her like a piece of dirt but she's still so besotted with him, even when she knew that he was married, that didn't stop her from continuing to love him even more.

She first met him yesterday at the carpark in her house basement. Her first impression of him was nowhere close to quite bad, it was very bad. He had already appeared to her as persistent, clingy and very desperate, qualities that she did not like very much, in fact he almost irritated her. Today the tables turned and she was the persistent one, clingy and very desperate for his attention when he just treats her merely as just another being.

When her eyes first set upon him, the very first thing that flashed acrossed her mind was that he looked uglier than she had imagined. She had seen a photo of him before yesterday, but he looked very much uglier than the photo portrayed. She didn't even dare to stare directly at him yesterday because she thought he was too ugly even to look at for anything longer than half a second. Today, her greatest desire is nothing more than to stare at his face the whole day and every day. Today he isn't ugly anymore to her. Sure he is nowhere from being drop dead georgeous, but his well weathered face made him the most pleasant guy in her eyes. They say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, and she just proves what they say is right.

Her first impression of him was not just only that he was ugly. He also looked a lot older than she thought he was, okay, she did knew his exact age, he just looked older than what was stated in his identification card. He was old, ugly and balding. And yesterday when she first set her eyes upon him, she regretted immediately over her decision to meet him, but of course, one year later today, she regretted her decision not to have accepted his date and went out with him instead. Life was just like that, full of regrets, yet full of surprises and changes.

She can't remember what happened during the journey from her place to her date venue, just that he redeemed himself of his lack of looks for his verbal abilities to put her at ease. He was conversant and rather pleasant a person as long as she looked straighted into the glass window in front of her.

But as she looked forward, she saw seeds that would later translate into her eternal misery. In front of her in front of the front glass window hung a pair of wedding dolls. That was the first perculiarities that she saw but she tried to reasonate herself by saying to herself that this might be a family car instead of it being just his car, although she knew deep inside her that that possibility was close to zero. Stretching her imagination a little bit more she thought that maybe he might once had a fiance but things didn't work out between them. She gave herself more excuses by stretching her imagination just so that he could be claimed not guilty.

Then came the next oddity she noticed. He was wearing a ring on his fourth finger, but the ring was on the wrong hand, or so she tried to calm herself. Similarly she made up more excuses for him, perhaps the ring was to ward of something, or for good luck and prosperity. The she thought about the story of the fiance who didn't work out, then she gave him that tall story and even started looking at him with a sympathetic vision.

Today, she knows that everything was just a bullshit and she was just lying to herself. She just wanted herself to sound innocent and willing to accept whatever bullshit that was presented to her. She thought she had been trying to act as though she was easily convinced and not a suspicious person. If only she was willing to question the truth earlier, then perhaps she could have prevented all her future miseries from happening. It was her fault, she could only think. He hadn't tried to cover up all those little oddities by removing the dolls all the ring, it didn't seem that he was intentionally lying to her. It wasn't his fault at all.

The journey was only half and hour, marked with her disappointment in him and the out of place matters that she noticed but didn't question, at the point of yesterday, she could not have ever imagined that this today would have happened.

Yesterday, his wife was away, he was lonely, he needed company and he tried to find that in her. He was willing to do whatever she wanted just so that he could be relieved of his loneliness. Today, she lay in her bed crying out for him, missing him badly, and he lay in his bed sleeping soundly with his wife just beside him in his arms. What they did before was something which she could speculate the whole night and just get even more upset by each piece of imaginary possibility.

What happened in between was a story nobody would have guessed. Even she did not realise all those little bit of changes that were occurring beside her as yesterday slowly became today.

To him, it was all a calculated farce. He just wanted company and he was willing to go to great lengths to get a girl and once he got her, it didn't matter anymore. It was all about demand and supply. When she didn't want him, he had to do whatever he could do to get her, but now that she wanted him, he had the purchasing power whether he wanted to accept her and hence she was subjected to his whims and fancy.

To her, she was just a masochist. When a nice guy was presented to her, showering her with attention and love, she couldn't care less about his presence. But when he started shying away from her, she found herself wanting more and more of him. And when he finally did not want her anymore, she fell in love with him. Isn't she just courting trouble herself?

The date she went out with shared an opposing fate. With her engineering that date yesterday, that date was important to her, but as time passed and that other guy started showering more attention over her, she got less interested in him. She started feeling irritated by his constant presence and finally decided to go missing on him. One year later today, he remains forgotten in her history.

Maybe it is what can be translated as karma. How she treated the other guy was how he treated her and how he treated her was directly in inverse proportion to how she would return that treatment to him.

Yesterday and today is but one year apart. But the changes made during this one year apart seemed more like a decade apart to her. Things happened so fast that she was not fully able to fathom how she managed to fall in love with him given that her first impression of him was this bad and the dubious pieces of evidences she had sighted on their very first meeting. She also didn't very clearly understand how was it that she could finally found out about his marital status and how they could be still together given that he didn't want her and that she could still want to want him. She didn't understand anything.

Today, as she lay on her bed remising about yesterday, she continues to wonder about tomorrow. What can happen on 14.2.2007?

Monday, February 13, 2006

9 Months

In the nine months, she saw him preparing to get married to his then girlfriend, to their breakup and to him getting a new girlfriend. And all these while, she sat by her bedside, with only her unborn son for company, washing her face with tears the whole day.

They knew each other from the internet, the place where anyone can get to know everyone, and under the table sexual deals can be made with a click of the index finger and a couple of presses on the keyboard. Their relationship then was purely virtual. He had his girlfriend, who soon became his fiance as time went by, and she was in a sticky relationship with another guy, whom later she found out was married, making her relationship in a greater mess than it already was.

But that didn't matter, what was online was deviod of all those troubles. There was only fun in their little virtual world. And with them agreeing that they were not going to meet in the real world, they did almost everything they could do in the virtual world, after all, there were no consequences, they thought.

In their little virtual world, there were only the both of them, and a little bit more fun. They treated each other as friends, but were they really friends or was there more to it, that remains as an open question. Lines between the virtual realm and reality soon blurred when they started being more than just physical. They got to know more about each other, as a wholesome person as they continued chatting with each other. Sex talk was only about just that, they couldn't possibly only talk about sex 24/7.

She got to know him as a caring guy, although a bit naughty, but still a nice guy. He was there for her everytime she was unwell, or when she had problems in her sticky relationship. He was always there for her. He got to know her as a cute spunky girl who can become emotional at times, but her vulnerability touched him.

Finally they met. But they made the huge mistake in not meeting as friends, but meeting as lovers, wanting to have a romp, a sexual escapade.

He was having problems with his girlfriend, who was on the verge of becoming his fiance, they were supposed to get married, but plans stalled and problems arose, he was getting frustrated with her. He wanted to meet her ease his frustrations. And maybe give her a last little something before he got married.

She decided to meet him because she was having problems of her own too. Her own relationship was going seriously wrong when she uncovered that the guy she was with was married. Maybe it was out of spite, maybe it was also out of frustration, she questioned her loyalty to him which was the very thing that had all along stopped her from wanting to meet him.

But they stopped short at sex on their first meeting. She pulled back. She knew where he was from and didn't want what she was going through at that time to repeat itself sometime in the future. He was disappointed. He wanted sex but didn't manage to get any from her, he became more frustrated, this time with her.

Their little escapade however did not end there, it ended with her in tears, and him making a promise to her which he would soon regret.

Their escapade was interrupted with a phonecall to her from her guy seeking a sexual favour. She stupidly went for it, and disappointed him. He saw her emotionally tortured by that guy, and that pained him. In the heat of the passion, he told her he really liked her and didn't want her to be pained anymore. She took his words to be true and clung onto him like a drowning person to a lifebouy.

That promise turned life to hell for the both of them.

They both went back to reality of their private lives after the escapade and back to their little virtual world. But in that virtual world things started to change. He started showing more passion to her. At first, she resisted his passions because she knew he was going to get married, but after persistent efforts from him, she was won over. That marked another turning point of no return in their relationship.

They met a second time, and that consolidated all her feelings she had for him, but that also led him to realise that she was starting to be increasingly reliant on him and he was not very comfortable with that. It was evident from that second meeting that she was not really for him, but little did he know that his pressure on her previously had forced her towards the brink of depression.

At first she hid her condition from him, but it was no use, her condition had taken a serious turn that she started hallucinating and translated her hallucinations to reality to him. Instead of being patient with her and nursing her back to health like what she thought he would do after he had given her his word after their first meeting, he shunned her. That led to her final disintergration.

With remnant effects of her condition and a bit of her hope, she asked to meet him for the third time. It was supposed to be a friendly meeting, but the primate instincts in them took over.

After that night, she ended up pregnant.

She kept it to herself as she didn't want any trouble for him, he had his whole life without her laid in front of him. He didn't need her.

Then came a piece of good news, had she thought it was then. He broke up with his fiance. The problems they previously had could not be resolved. That was a blow for him she didn't imagine he would have. He turned into a different person totally. Maybe he blamed her for all his problems, or maybe she was also changing.

On top of her depressions and hallucinations, she was further diagnosed with pre natal depression.

In a final bid to get him to her, especially now that she knew he didn't have to worry about any other girl, she hinted to him about her pregnancy. She knew what she wanted to do with the child but she didn't know what he wanted to do about it. She needed to know this. She sent a long email to him hinting about some thing but concealling facts of other things, she just wanted to get him to contact her and then discuss things out, preferably in person.

He didn't want to meet her. Instead he asked her that if she was indeed pregnant, the only possible consequence was an abortion which was definitely nowhere near what she wanted. She wanted to keep the child, she wanted maybe some sort of commitment from him, maybe not to her directly, but at least to his child, she wanted some sort of acknowledgement of him over the child. He didn't.

Instead, he started accusing her of using pregnancy to threaten him. He started accusing her of the child possibly being some other guys, after all, they shared only one night together.

Between her bouts of depression, she alternated between tearing over his heartlessness and his change of treatment of her and rationally deciding what she should do with his child. She finally decided to take it all upon herself. She told him that she had tested herself for pregnancy and she wasn't pregnant at all hence absolving him from all possible commitment he had left for her, relieving him everything. He didn't need to know anything more than nothing, she thought as she packed up her bags and prepared to leave the country. There was no way she could remain at home since she was pregnant, and she could not risk allowing anyone other than her closest compainions to know about it.

Before she left, she wanted to see him one last time. She bought a ticket, bought ingredients and baked a cake and some cookies for him for it was decided that she would look for him on the eve of Valentine. Maybe deep down in her, she wanted to salvage some hope that her child could be recognised by him. Or maybe she just wanted him for herself.

That night she wanted to ask him out, he told her that he had a new girlfriend. She was devastated. Her bouts of depression set in again. She turned hysterical. She still asked him out though not citing her true intentions, but he markedly said something that thrusted into her heart like a blade of dagger. He had an appointment with his girlfriend the day she proposed to meet him.

A sharp pain seared through her stomach. She rolled on her bed in agony. She turned and stared at the cake and the bag of cookies on her table in disgust. She lay flat between her sheets and hallucinated again.

When she woke up, her heart stopped beating. She picked up her bags which she prepared for her trip and left her house. She got her ticket only at the airport counter and called up her family friend over in London where she had planned to head for to give birth. She spent the whole of Valentine's on the aeroplane, alternating between imagining about how he was spending the night with his girlfriend, and her tearing over that possible image. She also thought about how her life would be ruined now that her life would just not revolve around herself. In fact, if it weren't for her child, she might have just ended her life along with the ceasure of her heart beating.

The child gave a her hope while it caused her misery, just like his words of promise once lit up her life is now causing her much physical, mental and emotional distress.

Life in London was simple. She stayed at home and watched the television for half the day. She spent the next half of the day by her notebook recording down all her feelings and emotions at that time. In between, she had her tummy scanned and it was a son. She decided to name her son after him, but that he would follow her family name, after all she was bringing up her son by herself.

She stopped all contact with him. Since he thought of her as an emotional nutcase, she decided that perhaps, it would be better for him to be totally out of her life and continue his life along with his girlfriend. It was time for him to get married and start a family after all. His girlfriend could bear him children too, and he really didn't need her around anymore.

Maybe she really did love him, to have made that decision.

Still it was not easy for her to carry out her own decision. Her hallucinating mind overtook her some of the worse days had almost forced her to fly back to meet him in her bloated tummy. Her housemate binded her arms and legs to the bed or the armchair on these particularly bad days at her request. Neighbours thought that she was housing some wild dog or cat as she wailed and howled in tears. During this time, she didn't dare take any medications to control her depression as she was afraid of adverse effects on her child even though her doctor assured her that it was okay.

She gave birth a couple of weeks short of nine months. She nursed him, and hence continued to refuse any medication. In a faraway land, with only a child with her, and bills to pay, and a housemate who was unconcerned about her, and a history of mental illness, she succumbed to post natal depression. The doctor said that it was not surprising, but she thought it was. She had really wanted to break free from all those chains and ledges upon her, but she still was not able to shake it all free. That further depressed her.

She stayed in London for a couple more months before returning back home with her son.

Her son gave her hope and motivation to start life anew. Everytime she felt down and out, she'd turn back to her son and coo at him. She knew this Steven would never leave her.