Jaded

I cannot help but feel tired every day even though I have nothing to do.
I cannot help but not feel excited even though it's my party.
I cannot help but not feel like doing anything even though it's my birthday tomorrow.
I cannot help but feel like leaving all the preparations to the parents.
I cannot help but allow the tears to stream down gently.
I cannot help anything.

I'm supposed to be excited and everything, the people have sent their wishes, the guest list is up, the food and preparations are ready, the presents will be sent, but here I am not being able to fall asleep and listening to Miriam Yeung's 《小城大事》. Why is this so? I don't know.

I haven't had a cheery post for quite some time already, and it seems to get gloomier by the day.

I'd like to thank all those who wished my happy birthday at the stroke of the clock. Thank you Peiyi for being the first to wish me happy birthday via MSN, but that's because she wished me minutes before the clock struck, she wanted to sleep early. Thank you Huijing, nice chatting with you despite you being so busy, please don't forget me hor... Thank you Greg and William too. Via SMS, Chenqing, Victoria, and Shuyi sent their blessings, thank you. And most of all, I'd like to thank Jinwei for calling me up to wish me despite his hetic Mapling schedule, I'm really touched.

In contrast, I feel that I'm not a very good friend. I forget people's birthday, I give people useless stuff for their birthdays, I don't wish them happy birthday. For a year I gave out Wubai's CDs for every single one of my friend for their birthdays, this year I'm giving out Body Shop stuff.

I hope this year on I can return to the Joan of before. The girl who can get infatuated over (only she thinks) shuai guys, the girl who gets excited over the littlest things, the girl who believes in hope, the girl who is just plain cute. A (once) friend of mine said that innocence is one thing that upon losing will never find it back. I think I can oppose that. Lately I've been back to being that excited girl who goes gaga over the (only she thinks) shuai guys. My MSN nick is always about *him*, I stick around in school and exclaim about *his* sightings to non-interested friends.

I'm back to my usual diet of Wubai songs to keep me company, and fantasise in a world of him. Even though he's married now, I still can dream can I?

That day I was at Parkway, sighting this cute guy working there. I spotted him from long ago, me always patronising that store, but he's just like the displays in the store, a cute sight. But well, the idea of me going hunk spotting is such a remote concept lately that suddenly for a little moment I felt I was that young and innocent girl all over again, just with a little baggage of jade, perhaps.

Maybe I'll blog more later, I'm feeling really really jaded now. I need rest, but I can't sleep. blah... And I miss you...

Update: Thanks Andrew korkor~