Being alone, at home, the whole day, with only the TV, notes, and laptop for company.
Even the parents didn't wish me happy birthday, neither did the sister, though she did gave me the present already, but still...
Friends? What friends? Okay, but I can't blame them since I'm not the kind of person who remembers everyone's birthdays.
Okay, none of all those above really matters as much as what I'm upset about.
I miss him. I really do. It always seems like the same one month cycle when my missing him coincides with PMS. And while last month he was away, this month too. Even though he said he'd be back tomorrow, earlier than what he told me before he left, it just seems to have created more problems for me to ponder over. Why is he coming back so early? Did something happen? Or did he lie to me in the first place?
Then there's the problem about tomorrow. I don't know if I should hope so much, and be disappointed. This won't be the first anyway, but I can't help from wanting to hope, and I can't seem to block out my disappointment. I hate myself.
Growing older, growing tired, growing jaded, growing disillusioned.
When can I finally leave your clutches?
When can I finally stand up on my own feet and say goodbye to the past?
When can I call you by your name?
Showing posts with label emo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emo. Show all posts
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Relationship Issues
I thought hard about it before picking up to write this post because it is really one that delves deep into the darkness of my heart. I'm used to self-censorship because I don't know who reads my blog (a couple of days ago a prof dropped me an email and mentioned a bit about the blog entry which I confessed to not having studied for the exams, erm... Just hope I won't be marked down next semester.), but somehow, I need this outlet to chronicle some of my deepest thoughts.
I was talking to Cindy yesterday about relationships, love horoscopes and about guys. She mentioned that she liked playing mind games, she thinks that that's the fun in romance. She also said that she doesn't want to be hurt, and in protecting herself from being hurt, she "plays" without being serious. Maybe it's because of her character, or her past experiences of being hurt. I thought about myself, in every aspect, I disagree with her views. I can't afford to play any mind games because I take things too seriously and ultimately always end up hurt. I'm also too jaded from playing, too jaded from being hurt, too jaded for everything. Maybe it's because of my character, or my past experiences of being hurt.
Friends that came from way back with me would know the whole story about X, and how much time and youth I've wasted. From the past experience of X, I'm now very guarded about my relationships. Not many people know anything about my private life. On a hand count, there's Cindy which I only told her about some stuff yesterday, there's Yanwei, who knows a very biased bit, Eugene, a fairer account, but still a bit nonetheless, Peiting knows a bit too and a bit about another encounter but I haven't really chatted with her since quite some time ago, so it's not that up to date. Jinwei used to know a bit more, but since the beginning of last semester when he disappeared from MSN and we drifted apart, well... Even all these people whom I did mention something to, no one really knows the whole picture of what's happening. I confess, sometimes I lie, sometimes I leave out major information, sometimes I give out false information, sometimes I just don't wish to talk about it.
It's very interesting that other than Peiting, the rest who knows about me aren't people who came from way back with me, and I think this might also be the reason why I think I'm trying to distance myself from the people from way back. Even the Chinese Drama people, I see myself trying to shy away from them of late. I'm no longer comfortable among people who have a misconception of me, and people whom I think can't reach the complex level of my emotions and thoughts. Going out with the girls can sometimes be a chore because they all seem to be living in their own protected world. Okay, it might also be because I don't bother prying details of people's private life that i might misunderstand people. But facts remain, how many of them, how many people in general been through what I've been through?
Eugene and Yanwei might have their own problems, it might be complicated problems, but put things straight down the line, those aren't problems that can't be solved. I might be getting a bit over indulgent with my problems here, but I can't help but feel this way seeing how other people talk about their problems which they think are so great but to me it's just nothing, and to see some people, like the girls, who are still innocent, and protected, honestly, it irks me. It irks me so much that I hate myself.
Sometimes I wish I could live a normal life, find a normal guy, fall in love, romance the normal way, go for a normal dinner, watch a normal movie, talk normal walks, do normal things, talk normal issues, and have a peaceful life. But after experiencing upheavals, can I accept a normal life? I don't know...
Cindy said, as long as I'm happy, if not I should reconsider. But happiness is something self-defined. Who can determine if I'm happy? Myself. And how do I say I'm happy? It's difficult. This is also another reason why I hate to talk about my problems. I know what people will advise me to do, and I know that I won't heed any of their advice. I know what is the "correct" thing to do, but I don't want to do it.
As I said previously, most of the time when I tell things to people, I don't say the whole truth. One very important detail I always seems to leave out is my own failings. I'm not as saintly as I always try to victimise myself. I always say how bad how bad it is that I'm always being lied to, but I lie too, and the fact that I stuck on also shows that I am no longer the victim.
Cindy asked me what kind of guys do I generally like, or don't like. I said I generally dislike stupid people, or people who think they are smart but are not. I don't like immatured pricks, people without drive, people without a mind of their own... But the more I think about people I don't like the more I can't think of people I might like. Then there's my problem too.
argh... I'm losing my train of thought.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
Talk about another thing instead. Cindy and I went through this list of horoscopes which supposedly shows some love meter thing. I seem to be able to hit off well with (I think) Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio, so I thought back on the kind of guys I like(d). Then I realised, it doesn't really matter now because different people have different personalities, different experiences which contribute differently to their thoughts and perceptions.
Jinwei once said that I should try out something more normal so that I won't fall further in my own rough patch. I didn't heed it. Don't know why, but now thinking back, maybe I should have... Would now be too late?
I have four more days to think about it.
I was talking to Cindy yesterday about relationships, love horoscopes and about guys. She mentioned that she liked playing mind games, she thinks that that's the fun in romance. She also said that she doesn't want to be hurt, and in protecting herself from being hurt, she "plays" without being serious. Maybe it's because of her character, or her past experiences of being hurt. I thought about myself, in every aspect, I disagree with her views. I can't afford to play any mind games because I take things too seriously and ultimately always end up hurt. I'm also too jaded from playing, too jaded from being hurt, too jaded for everything. Maybe it's because of my character, or my past experiences of being hurt.
Friends that came from way back with me would know the whole story about X, and how much time and youth I've wasted. From the past experience of X, I'm now very guarded about my relationships. Not many people know anything about my private life. On a hand count, there's Cindy which I only told her about some stuff yesterday, there's Yanwei, who knows a very biased bit, Eugene, a fairer account, but still a bit nonetheless, Peiting knows a bit too and a bit about another encounter but I haven't really chatted with her since quite some time ago, so it's not that up to date. Jinwei used to know a bit more, but since the beginning of last semester when he disappeared from MSN and we drifted apart, well... Even all these people whom I did mention something to, no one really knows the whole picture of what's happening. I confess, sometimes I lie, sometimes I leave out major information, sometimes I give out false information, sometimes I just don't wish to talk about it.
It's very interesting that other than Peiting, the rest who knows about me aren't people who came from way back with me, and I think this might also be the reason why I think I'm trying to distance myself from the people from way back. Even the Chinese Drama people, I see myself trying to shy away from them of late. I'm no longer comfortable among people who have a misconception of me, and people whom I think can't reach the complex level of my emotions and thoughts. Going out with the girls can sometimes be a chore because they all seem to be living in their own protected world. Okay, it might also be because I don't bother prying details of people's private life that i might misunderstand people. But facts remain, how many of them, how many people in general been through what I've been through?
Eugene and Yanwei might have their own problems, it might be complicated problems, but put things straight down the line, those aren't problems that can't be solved. I might be getting a bit over indulgent with my problems here, but I can't help but feel this way seeing how other people talk about their problems which they think are so great but to me it's just nothing, and to see some people, like the girls, who are still innocent, and protected, honestly, it irks me. It irks me so much that I hate myself.
Sometimes I wish I could live a normal life, find a normal guy, fall in love, romance the normal way, go for a normal dinner, watch a normal movie, talk normal walks, do normal things, talk normal issues, and have a peaceful life. But after experiencing upheavals, can I accept a normal life? I don't know...
Cindy said, as long as I'm happy, if not I should reconsider. But happiness is something self-defined. Who can determine if I'm happy? Myself. And how do I say I'm happy? It's difficult. This is also another reason why I hate to talk about my problems. I know what people will advise me to do, and I know that I won't heed any of their advice. I know what is the "correct" thing to do, but I don't want to do it.
As I said previously, most of the time when I tell things to people, I don't say the whole truth. One very important detail I always seems to leave out is my own failings. I'm not as saintly as I always try to victimise myself. I always say how bad how bad it is that I'm always being lied to, but I lie too, and the fact that I stuck on also shows that I am no longer the victim.
Cindy asked me what kind of guys do I generally like, or don't like. I said I generally dislike stupid people, or people who think they are smart but are not. I don't like immatured pricks, people without drive, people without a mind of their own... But the more I think about people I don't like the more I can't think of people I might like. Then there's my problem too.
argh... I'm losing my train of thought.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
Talk about another thing instead. Cindy and I went through this list of horoscopes which supposedly shows some love meter thing. I seem to be able to hit off well with (I think) Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio, so I thought back on the kind of guys I like(d). Then I realised, it doesn't really matter now because different people have different personalities, different experiences which contribute differently to their thoughts and perceptions.
Jinwei once said that I should try out something more normal so that I won't fall further in my own rough patch. I didn't heed it. Don't know why, but now thinking back, maybe I should have... Would now be too late?
I have four more days to think about it.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
4 Missed Calls
I woke up feeling trash no thanks to a bad dream without closure. Sucks... It kinda sets the tone of the mood for the rest of the day.
Yesterday my family hosted a Christmas party, of course there was the usual opening of the mahjong table (kai tai, open table?) I played one wind of five games only, I fed three rounds, won once, and the last one was someone else zhimo-ing. I had such bad luck that I didn't want to continue playing. I played another two games that night and lost my budget. I can't remember the last time I lost so much in mahjong, I usually am a big winner. By the end of the day, I was cranky and tired.
Then someone messaged me.
The last time something like this happened, I caved in, but this time there was no way I could cave in, I was this cranky and tired, and I just hosted a party, there was no way within my physical abilities. Besides, there was no excuse I could give either.
I twice declined and made it clear. When the tactics of the last time was used, I knew anymore exchanges of messages would make me feel worse and unable to resist. I took the more effective method of ignoring.
I was already lying on my bed half-asleep with the last SMS came in. I ususally don't turn my phone to silent mode, but this time I did it so that I could have an uniterrupted sleep. I fell asleep in about two seconds at the grand early time of 11pm.
I woke up at 3am.
First thing I did was to take a look at the phone, I knew, I knew things wouldn't stop just like that, I expected like another message, or a missed call. Turned out to have 4 missed calls. It was pretty scary. I ignored it and went back to sleep, but I guess the trauma already affected me.
The dream opened with me returning the missed call. A lady picked up the phone, I asked for the correct person, but she replied coolly that that person was missing. I tried to enquire more, and that person coolly answered all my questions. At first I thought she was his wife, but after hearing how she answered my questions, she definitely wasn't, but I didn't know who she was. I think I made another call to the same number again, this time it was a Thai transsexual who picked up. I don't know what I was talking to him/her about, but it seemed to be something to do with doing touristy stuff in Singapore. The conversation dragged until I got fed up and finally asked about where the owner of that handphone was.
I don't know what happened, but a JC classmate of mine appeared, I wasn;t in contact with him, so I don't know why it was him. But he offered me the information I needed, and told me that the person whom I was looking for was dead drunk in some house party in Jurong. I had to rush there immediately. But I don't know why I appeared in the middle of town without my wallet, without any money or cards. I wanted to loan some money from my friend, then decided to ask my friend instead to come with me, so that I can have some help if needed to take care of the person who was dead drunk.
After some hasslings and stuff, we decided to catch a bus then catch a cab somewhere else. We had to cross a road to the bus stop and we had to jay walk across. A policeman came out from nowhere and caught us jaywalking. He grabbed the edges of my shirt, which was a low cut singlet which I wore over a halter bikini, and somehow, he was holding onto the straps of my singlet and bikini and hence exposing my breasts. I was traumatised. I was so traumatised that I started crying and shouting that he was exposing my breasts. He then grabbed my face and started lecturing me so close to my face that traumatised me even more.
I woke up in tears. Nothing was said about what happened to the dead drunk person, which made me feel even worse.
I woke up at 4am. So I guess the course of the dream only lasted about an hour. I returned the missed call, but the caller switched off the phone and I got the Singtel woman instead. I replied by SMS.
After that I went for a bath, yes, at 4am in the morning, thank you very much. This is coming from someone who just had a relapse of her old injury no thanks to the cold rainy season. I'm just so screwing my physical body over and over. Coming online and reading blogs, and blogging eased me up a bit now. But I still have tomorrow to deal with when I get my reply.
Then there's also the sinking shit of getting the result. I'm so scared. This is the only semester which the total amount of time I spent on studying adds to one hour. And that one hour, all I did was formulating points to spot questions. Although I successfully spotted two questions, enough to complete the paper, I am still very worried. Guess what I can only do now is to cross my fingers.
I've enough of shit in the last 12 hours already. It should turn for the better. It better...
Yesterday my family hosted a Christmas party, of course there was the usual opening of the mahjong table (kai tai, open table?) I played one wind of five games only, I fed three rounds, won once, and the last one was someone else zhimo-ing. I had such bad luck that I didn't want to continue playing. I played another two games that night and lost my budget. I can't remember the last time I lost so much in mahjong, I usually am a big winner. By the end of the day, I was cranky and tired.
Then someone messaged me.
The last time something like this happened, I caved in, but this time there was no way I could cave in, I was this cranky and tired, and I just hosted a party, there was no way within my physical abilities. Besides, there was no excuse I could give either.
I twice declined and made it clear. When the tactics of the last time was used, I knew anymore exchanges of messages would make me feel worse and unable to resist. I took the more effective method of ignoring.
I was already lying on my bed half-asleep with the last SMS came in. I ususally don't turn my phone to silent mode, but this time I did it so that I could have an uniterrupted sleep. I fell asleep in about two seconds at the grand early time of 11pm.
I woke up at 3am.
First thing I did was to take a look at the phone, I knew, I knew things wouldn't stop just like that, I expected like another message, or a missed call. Turned out to have 4 missed calls. It was pretty scary. I ignored it and went back to sleep, but I guess the trauma already affected me.
The dream opened with me returning the missed call. A lady picked up the phone, I asked for the correct person, but she replied coolly that that person was missing. I tried to enquire more, and that person coolly answered all my questions. At first I thought she was his wife, but after hearing how she answered my questions, she definitely wasn't, but I didn't know who she was. I think I made another call to the same number again, this time it was a Thai transsexual who picked up. I don't know what I was talking to him/her about, but it seemed to be something to do with doing touristy stuff in Singapore. The conversation dragged until I got fed up and finally asked about where the owner of that handphone was.
I don't know what happened, but a JC classmate of mine appeared, I wasn;t in contact with him, so I don't know why it was him. But he offered me the information I needed, and told me that the person whom I was looking for was dead drunk in some house party in Jurong. I had to rush there immediately. But I don't know why I appeared in the middle of town without my wallet, without any money or cards. I wanted to loan some money from my friend, then decided to ask my friend instead to come with me, so that I can have some help if needed to take care of the person who was dead drunk.
After some hasslings and stuff, we decided to catch a bus then catch a cab somewhere else. We had to cross a road to the bus stop and we had to jay walk across. A policeman came out from nowhere and caught us jaywalking. He grabbed the edges of my shirt, which was a low cut singlet which I wore over a halter bikini, and somehow, he was holding onto the straps of my singlet and bikini and hence exposing my breasts. I was traumatised. I was so traumatised that I started crying and shouting that he was exposing my breasts. He then grabbed my face and started lecturing me so close to my face that traumatised me even more.
I woke up in tears. Nothing was said about what happened to the dead drunk person, which made me feel even worse.
I woke up at 4am. So I guess the course of the dream only lasted about an hour. I returned the missed call, but the caller switched off the phone and I got the Singtel woman instead. I replied by SMS.
After that I went for a bath, yes, at 4am in the morning, thank you very much. This is coming from someone who just had a relapse of her old injury no thanks to the cold rainy season. I'm just so screwing my physical body over and over. Coming online and reading blogs, and blogging eased me up a bit now. But I still have tomorrow to deal with when I get my reply.
Then there's also the sinking shit of getting the result. I'm so scared. This is the only semester which the total amount of time I spent on studying adds to one hour. And that one hour, all I did was formulating points to spot questions. Although I successfully spotted two questions, enough to complete the paper, I am still very worried. Guess what I can only do now is to cross my fingers.
I've enough of shit in the last 12 hours already. It should turn for the better. It better...
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
happy~
I just want to say today was a happy day. Even if it's only for half an hour, or about 45min, it was worthwhile. It just confirms all my feelings I had was right and instantly, all my doubts were washed away. It's almost like a magic potion. hehehe~
I'm now listening this song on my Windows Media Player, if you happen to see this song on my MSN as what I'm listening, I think that explains. I went to baidu that song, the first on the list was this song, the song I wanted, but when I went to search for the lyrics, I only got the Cantonese version. sucks... Jacky Cheung... How come your song only got Mandarin mp3 but no Mandarin lyrics? How come only got Cantonese lyrics?
ah well... How come Joan only listen to Chinese songs from the early to mid 90s one ah? wahaha~
I'm now listening this song on my Windows Media Player, if you happen to see this song on my MSN as what I'm listening, I think that explains. I went to baidu that song, the first on the list was this song, the song I wanted, but when I went to search for the lyrics, I only got the Cantonese version. sucks... Jacky Cheung... How come your song only got Mandarin mp3 but no Mandarin lyrics? How come only got Cantonese lyrics?
ah well... How come Joan only listen to Chinese songs from the early to mid 90s one ah? wahaha~
Monday, November 13, 2006
Bus Ride Home
I didn't sleep during my return journey. Instead, I spent that one hour plus thinking about some stuff. Stuff.
I thought about how life is like now, what it could be like, the best possible scenarios, the worst possible scenarios. I thought about how I felt, and why I felt this way. And it all boils down to I'm upset. I hate myself. I really hate myself.
I was thinking, would I commit suicide, do what Armani from 15 wanted to do but didn't manage to do. Jump down the Esplanade and just end everything. I know I can't bring myself to do so. I'm afraid of pain. I'm afraid of the unknown. I also have a lto of unfinished business. I want to know what happens to Vincent and Belle from Triumph in the Skies. I want to know if Conan will become back Shinichi. I want to know if the clone Syaoran will remain as a bad guy or will he turn good, and if the real Syaoran has any feelings for Sakura. And Domeki and Watanuki, what are their roles in the whole Clow universe. I want to know if Haruhi will end up with Tamaki or someone else. I also want to know if Yul can win this season's Survivor. There are still so many things I want to know that I can't bring myself to end my life just like that.
But I'm really tired. I don't know what I'm thinking. You know, it's been a very long while since I last let go of all my emotions and cried out loud. I think I've lost the ability to cry. I guess there can only be that amount of tears in me, and once I've finished them, there are no more for me to use. The feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to is worse than just crying everything out. I really hate myself.
Especially with regards to that route home. I kept thinking if I'd meet her. What if one day I were to meet her, can I still be that strong, that is if I can be considered as strong now. I hate him. I really hate him. About just as much as I hate myself. And as much as I hate the circumstance I'm in right at this moment.
It's not helping that I'm watching a whole lot of depressing anime, reading a whole lot of depressing manga and just being depressed the whole day. Saiunkoku Monogatari's getting more and more melodramatic. Why can't Shuurei and Ryuuki just get married and live happily ever after. Gravitation is just as bad, or maybe at least a bit better because I will soon finish it, but until I finish it, I'll have to grapple with Yuki being so depressed and in turn Shuichi can't feel that all better. Why can't Yuki just face the fact that he loves Shuichi and just go and love Shuichi. I can't wait to finish up reading Gravitation, then start on something new. Perhaps Kare Kano (His and Her Circumstances). It seems funnier, at least I hope it is funnier. At least I know that the male protagonist will get together with the female protagonist. sucks... I need something more mainstream.
I wish my life was off a fictional novel. Then at least I know I'd get something at the very end of things. I really hate it that there's no front for me to walk towards to. I always think, I always think so some shit and make myself feel worse. That time I was once told, an assurance, but well, that time was that time, and that time and this time are different times.
And the worst thing, exams are just around the corner. I didn't realise that exams are that soon, but I guess I really have to get things done soon.
I don't know how I actually manage to keep up my smiles when inside me I'm crumbling by the minute. I'm afraid, very afraid. Maybe that's why I'm following my manga/anime that closely, I want to escape from the real world. Someone once told me that I can't just live in my own constructed world, I can't read too much manga, can't watch too much anime, they'll all skew my thoughts of the real world. Like if I read too much yaoi, I'd start to love all those boys while not minding that they don't love me at all. Oh well, I'm already not minding if no one loves me at all, so I don't see that reading less manga will make someone love me.
I really should channel all my energy to finish up my collection of short stories. I thought of the title already. Tales of Steven and Scarlett. Steven otherwise known as Ming. I decided that Scarlett shall call him Steven, but Shan will call him Ming, and I decided to spell Scarlett with two Ts. And I decided to let Adele die off. Adele only refers to that young girl who died, the rest will all be Scarlett. I will need to edit the earlier pieces of which the characters were unnamed.
That time someone also once said that I shouldn't write too much because the more I write the more I take after the characters and I'm in fact screwing myself left right centre. I don't deny that I'm taking after my characters more and more, but well... I wonder if I'd end up as an as screwed up writer like Yuki, and spend the rest of my life going in and out of the psychaitrist. hehehe... At least Yuki has Shuichi.
If I were to die tomorrow, will anyone miss me?
I thought about how life is like now, what it could be like, the best possible scenarios, the worst possible scenarios. I thought about how I felt, and why I felt this way. And it all boils down to I'm upset. I hate myself. I really hate myself.
I was thinking, would I commit suicide, do what Armani from 15 wanted to do but didn't manage to do. Jump down the Esplanade and just end everything. I know I can't bring myself to do so. I'm afraid of pain. I'm afraid of the unknown. I also have a lto of unfinished business. I want to know what happens to Vincent and Belle from Triumph in the Skies. I want to know if Conan will become back Shinichi. I want to know if the clone Syaoran will remain as a bad guy or will he turn good, and if the real Syaoran has any feelings for Sakura. And Domeki and Watanuki, what are their roles in the whole Clow universe. I want to know if Haruhi will end up with Tamaki or someone else. I also want to know if Yul can win this season's Survivor. There are still so many things I want to know that I can't bring myself to end my life just like that.
But I'm really tired. I don't know what I'm thinking. You know, it's been a very long while since I last let go of all my emotions and cried out loud. I think I've lost the ability to cry. I guess there can only be that amount of tears in me, and once I've finished them, there are no more for me to use. The feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to is worse than just crying everything out. I really hate myself.
Especially with regards to that route home. I kept thinking if I'd meet her. What if one day I were to meet her, can I still be that strong, that is if I can be considered as strong now. I hate him. I really hate him. About just as much as I hate myself. And as much as I hate the circumstance I'm in right at this moment.
It's not helping that I'm watching a whole lot of depressing anime, reading a whole lot of depressing manga and just being depressed the whole day. Saiunkoku Monogatari's getting more and more melodramatic. Why can't Shuurei and Ryuuki just get married and live happily ever after. Gravitation is just as bad, or maybe at least a bit better because I will soon finish it, but until I finish it, I'll have to grapple with Yuki being so depressed and in turn Shuichi can't feel that all better. Why can't Yuki just face the fact that he loves Shuichi and just go and love Shuichi. I can't wait to finish up reading Gravitation, then start on something new. Perhaps Kare Kano (His and Her Circumstances). It seems funnier, at least I hope it is funnier. At least I know that the male protagonist will get together with the female protagonist. sucks... I need something more mainstream.
I wish my life was off a fictional novel. Then at least I know I'd get something at the very end of things. I really hate it that there's no front for me to walk towards to. I always think, I always think so some shit and make myself feel worse. That time I was once told, an assurance, but well, that time was that time, and that time and this time are different times.
And the worst thing, exams are just around the corner. I didn't realise that exams are that soon, but I guess I really have to get things done soon.
I don't know how I actually manage to keep up my smiles when inside me I'm crumbling by the minute. I'm afraid, very afraid. Maybe that's why I'm following my manga/anime that closely, I want to escape from the real world. Someone once told me that I can't just live in my own constructed world, I can't read too much manga, can't watch too much anime, they'll all skew my thoughts of the real world. Like if I read too much yaoi, I'd start to love all those boys while not minding that they don't love me at all. Oh well, I'm already not minding if no one loves me at all, so I don't see that reading less manga will make someone love me.
I really should channel all my energy to finish up my collection of short stories. I thought of the title already. Tales of Steven and Scarlett. Steven otherwise known as Ming. I decided that Scarlett shall call him Steven, but Shan will call him Ming, and I decided to spell Scarlett with two Ts. And I decided to let Adele die off. Adele only refers to that young girl who died, the rest will all be Scarlett. I will need to edit the earlier pieces of which the characters were unnamed.
That time someone also once said that I shouldn't write too much because the more I write the more I take after the characters and I'm in fact screwing myself left right centre. I don't deny that I'm taking after my characters more and more, but well... I wonder if I'd end up as an as screwed up writer like Yuki, and spend the rest of my life going in and out of the psychaitrist. hehehe... At least Yuki has Shuichi.
If I were to die tomorrow, will anyone miss me?
Monday, November 06, 2006
I Can't
It's so difficult. I feel so drained now. Don't know how much longer can I hold back my tears. I just wish... I don't know, people are always changing, even the friends I thought I could count on are no longer here.
I've cravings for peanut butter, I don't know why. I hate peanut butter. I haven't eaten peanut butter for at least 10 years already. And suddenly I have cravings for them. crap... And because I hate peanut butter, there isn't any at home. sigh...
I've cravings for peanut butter, I don't know why. I hate peanut butter. I haven't eaten peanut butter for at least 10 years already. And suddenly I have cravings for them. crap... And because I hate peanut butter, there isn't any at home. sigh...
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Headache
not enough sleep.
someone came back.
been reading someone's blog archives.
started with september 2002 and now only at november 2003.
the grandfather got so constipated that he was admitted.
tomorrow got test.
i'm so dead.
pms red alert.
hungry. having lots of cravings but getting none.
i feel so lonely and lost.
i feel so taken advantage of.
you know what? i think barcelona and arsenal will be battling out in the finals of the UEFA Cup with barcelona winning the cup.
a lot of people are too slow to understand me.
still procrastinating.
someone came back.
been reading someone's blog archives.
started with september 2002 and now only at november 2003.
the grandfather got so constipated that he was admitted.
tomorrow got test.
i'm so dead.
pms red alert.
hungry. having lots of cravings but getting none.
i feel so lonely and lost.
i feel so taken advantage of.
you know what? i think barcelona and arsenal will be battling out in the finals of the UEFA Cup with barcelona winning the cup.
a lot of people are too slow to understand me.
still procrastinating.
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Vermisse Dich
Heute war ein sehr schlechtes Tag. Heute war mir den ganze Tag sehr schlecht. Viele Glauben war in meine Gedanken. Ich denke, ich glaube, ich weiß, dass ich dich brauche. Seit letze Mittwoch habe ich dich nicht gehört, das für mich sehr ecklich.
Jedenmal vermisse ich dich, werde ich denken dass du und sie nach Italien gehen. Vielleicht, bin ich nicht wichtig, vielleicht, war ich nie wichtig, vielleicht, war ich nie hier. Ich brauche dich, zu viel zu viel... Wenn du allein bist, kannst du mich ein bischen errineren? Nur ein bischen, für mich ein bischen ist genug. Vielleicht, wenn du am Fluß oder Canal in Venedig, oder wenn du und sie in Mailand einkaufen, oder wenn du noch was, kaufst ein kleines dinge für mich? Das wird genug... Ich will nicht viel, nur ein bischen deine Vermissen... Nur ein bischen...
Ich weiß, dass das nicht richtig ist. Aber, viele dinge sind nicht in unsere hände. Du hast viel mal ich gesagt, dass ich dich nicht lieben kann, aber bis zum jetzt, ich kann nicht das machen. Ich will, dass ich dich vergessen kann. Ich habe das versucht, aber als Mittwoch war, war das sehr Klar, du bist mein alles.
Was andere Leute sagen kann, ist das nicht mehr wichtig.
Was ich gefällen kann, ist das nicht mehr wichtig.
Was ist unsere Zukunft, oder haben wir eine Zukunft, ist das nicht mehr wichtig.
Was wichtig ist, nichts.
Mein kopf tut weh... weil du...
Heute habe ich ein film gesehen. Ich habe dich gedacht. Warum magst du sie wenn du kannst mich haben? Liebst du sie? Vielleicht... Das ist nicht mein Problem, aber weil du bist, hässe ich alle so. Letzte Mittwoch fragst du mich, warum hässe ich das so, ich kann nicht dich richtig antworten weil ich nicht die richtiges antworten könnte. Weil sie...
Ein Song:
Ich kann nichts dagegen tun
Ich kann nichts dagegen tun
Für mich dreht sich immer nur alles um dich
Du bleibst hier, du wirst niemals geh'n,
lässt mich nie im Regen steh'n
Oh glaub mir, ich kann nichts dagegen tun!
Ich weiß meine Welt mit dir ist grenzenlos
Deine Hand hält mich so sicher fest
Du bist hier, ich hoffe du lässt niemals los!
Es bleibt geheimnisvoll
Doch ich bin dem Rätsel auf der Spur
Wenn sich die Gedanken drehen,
dann flüstern sie uns beiden nur die Wahrheit zu
Und ich wünsche mir einen Blick von dir,
der mir alles sagt und von der großen Liebe spricht
Schau mir ins Gesicht
dann siehst du mich in 'nem anderen Licht
Ich kann nichts dagegen
Du wirst für mich immer das wichtigste sein
In meinen Gedanken bist du immer bei mir
und das ändert sich auch nie
Oh glaub mir, ich kann nichts dagegen tun
dass ich an dich denke jeden Tag, jede Nacht
Egal wo ich bin, ich bin nie allein
und ich weiß, das wird für uns die Zukunft sein
(fertig)
Ahh well... Wir haben keine Zukunft, ich habe das vergessen...
This is getting so crap. Instead of self censorship, I've now to sink into typing out everything in a third language so that people can don't understand me. What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to prove to?
Jedenmal vermisse ich dich, werde ich denken dass du und sie nach Italien gehen. Vielleicht, bin ich nicht wichtig, vielleicht, war ich nie wichtig, vielleicht, war ich nie hier. Ich brauche dich, zu viel zu viel... Wenn du allein bist, kannst du mich ein bischen errineren? Nur ein bischen, für mich ein bischen ist genug. Vielleicht, wenn du am Fluß oder Canal in Venedig, oder wenn du und sie in Mailand einkaufen, oder wenn du noch was, kaufst ein kleines dinge für mich? Das wird genug... Ich will nicht viel, nur ein bischen deine Vermissen... Nur ein bischen...
Ich weiß, dass das nicht richtig ist. Aber, viele dinge sind nicht in unsere hände. Du hast viel mal ich gesagt, dass ich dich nicht lieben kann, aber bis zum jetzt, ich kann nicht das machen. Ich will, dass ich dich vergessen kann. Ich habe das versucht, aber als Mittwoch war, war das sehr Klar, du bist mein alles.
Was andere Leute sagen kann, ist das nicht mehr wichtig.
Was ich gefällen kann, ist das nicht mehr wichtig.
Was ist unsere Zukunft, oder haben wir eine Zukunft, ist das nicht mehr wichtig.
Was wichtig ist, nichts.
Mein kopf tut weh... weil du...
Heute habe ich ein film gesehen. Ich habe dich gedacht. Warum magst du sie wenn du kannst mich haben? Liebst du sie? Vielleicht... Das ist nicht mein Problem, aber weil du bist, hässe ich alle so. Letzte Mittwoch fragst du mich, warum hässe ich das so, ich kann nicht dich richtig antworten weil ich nicht die richtiges antworten könnte. Weil sie...
Ein Song:
Ich kann nichts dagegen tun
Ich kann nichts dagegen tun
Für mich dreht sich immer nur alles um dich
Du bleibst hier, du wirst niemals geh'n,
lässt mich nie im Regen steh'n
Oh glaub mir, ich kann nichts dagegen tun!
Ich weiß meine Welt mit dir ist grenzenlos
Deine Hand hält mich so sicher fest
Du bist hier, ich hoffe du lässt niemals los!
Es bleibt geheimnisvoll
Doch ich bin dem Rätsel auf der Spur
Wenn sich die Gedanken drehen,
dann flüstern sie uns beiden nur die Wahrheit zu
Und ich wünsche mir einen Blick von dir,
der mir alles sagt und von der großen Liebe spricht
Schau mir ins Gesicht
dann siehst du mich in 'nem anderen Licht
Ich kann nichts dagegen
Du wirst für mich immer das wichtigste sein
In meinen Gedanken bist du immer bei mir
und das ändert sich auch nie
Oh glaub mir, ich kann nichts dagegen tun
dass ich an dich denke jeden Tag, jede Nacht
Egal wo ich bin, ich bin nie allein
und ich weiß, das wird für uns die Zukunft sein
(fertig)
Ahh well... Wir haben keine Zukunft, ich habe das vergessen...
This is getting so crap. Instead of self censorship, I've now to sink into typing out everything in a third language so that people can don't understand me. What am I trying to prove? Who am I trying to prove to?
Third Year Anniversary
I didn't realise this would be a sad post. Many thing have changed over the past three years. Indeed, I'm no longer the bubbly girl I once was. My writings, my thoughts, my looks have changed over the past three years. Maybe I should make more changes as time wear on.
I don't think this warrents a celebration. I just want to waste my life away in front of my eyes... My castles are falling down piece by piece, any castle built without foundation will fall, mine's no exception.
I think I'll rehaul the blog when I've cleared my term papers.
I don't think this warrents a celebration. I just want to waste my life away in front of my eyes... My castles are falling down piece by piece, any castle built without foundation will fall, mine's no exception.
I think I'll rehaul the blog when I've cleared my term papers.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Thank You
The previous post I highlighted a couple of problems I was facing. Talked through everything with a friend. Really feeling better now. Thank you so much.
Happy~
PS: If Barca loses tonight, despite whatever result between Chelsea and Werder Bremen, I'd still be a very happy girl~ Tonight, will be the battle of my favourites, who will emerge victorious? argh... This shall now be my biggest problem to worry about. Other problems shall be frivolous compared to this.
Happy~
PS: If Barca loses tonight, despite whatever result between Chelsea and Werder Bremen, I'd still be a very happy girl~ Tonight, will be the battle of my favourites, who will emerge victorious? argh... This shall now be my biggest problem to worry about. Other problems shall be frivolous compared to this.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Apple Orange Decision
I was plagued by a problem for the longest time. Thanks to this girl on the bus telling me off for something else, I realised one thing. The answer to the problematic decision I had for the longest time.
I need more magnimity. And I need to stop my double standards on everything.
Yes, I know, I'll be a better person. I'll SMS you as soon as possible, after six months of holding out, after six months of deliberation, heck everything else. Everything's in the mind, if my mind's strong enough, nothing will sway me. I need to cultivate this strength.
For everything else, I'm sorry.
I need more magnimity. And I need to stop my double standards on everything.
Yes, I know, I'll be a better person. I'll SMS you as soon as possible, after six months of holding out, after six months of deliberation, heck everything else. Everything's in the mind, if my mind's strong enough, nothing will sway me. I need to cultivate this strength.
For everything else, I'm sorry.
Friday, August 18, 2006
The Reply
I sent out an SMS before I slept last night. I've been starting to sleep early and waking up early lately, so actually the SMS wasn't sent out that late. Anyway, I thought maybe that would mark almost as a closure, something that I've always been against.
This morning, to my pleasant surprise, I found two replies to that message. I hadn't expected a reply. And even if I did expect a reply, I thought it would be one of trademark coldness and indifference. Well, the messages did reveal a little bit of warmth that lit up my day. Maybe... No, I can't think anymore maybe. I did that, so I'll have to stick with it.
I wondered if I should reply, and typed some words preparing to reply, but at the very last second, I pressed the red button. Oh well... It's better that way. If I can reply this once, and receive another reply, and I send out another reply, there would be no end to things. After I get out of my rough patch 2.0, I'll reply then. Meanwhile, take care.
This morning, to my pleasant surprise, I found two replies to that message. I hadn't expected a reply. And even if I did expect a reply, I thought it would be one of trademark coldness and indifference. Well, the messages did reveal a little bit of warmth that lit up my day. Maybe... No, I can't think anymore maybe. I did that, so I'll have to stick with it.
I wondered if I should reply, and typed some words preparing to reply, but at the very last second, I pressed the red button. Oh well... It's better that way. If I can reply this once, and receive another reply, and I send out another reply, there would be no end to things. After I get out of my rough patch 2.0, I'll reply then. Meanwhile, take care.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Void
So much so in coming back to the once familiar land, everything has changed. After every long trip I make, I lose something, last year was so, this is no different. Why is it that it's only me who always remain static?
In feeling this loss, instead of sinking into depression like I had last year, I'm feeling this whole sense of loss and emptiness. Unlike last year, I've no pillar of support this year. To where I'm heading, I've absolutely no idea. To fill the gap of loss, I need to busy myself. Every moment I have alone with nothing to do, will only make things worse for me. I cannot let myself stop, or even slow down the pace, but there's nothing for me to make me carry on.
Calling all friends out there, if you still have a bit of sympathy for this fallen girl, just ask me out. Ask me out for food, movies, ktv, shopping, or anything with at least some entertainment value. I just need anything to force myself to move on. I need to pick up all the pieces of broken promises. Picked one up the other day already, so many more to slowly pick them all up.
Maybe it was fate who broke those promises you'd made, but I still want to blame you, or her, can I?
In feeling this loss, instead of sinking into depression like I had last year, I'm feeling this whole sense of loss and emptiness. Unlike last year, I've no pillar of support this year. To where I'm heading, I've absolutely no idea. To fill the gap of loss, I need to busy myself. Every moment I have alone with nothing to do, will only make things worse for me. I cannot let myself stop, or even slow down the pace, but there's nothing for me to make me carry on.
Calling all friends out there, if you still have a bit of sympathy for this fallen girl, just ask me out. Ask me out for food, movies, ktv, shopping, or anything with at least some entertainment value. I just need anything to force myself to move on. I need to pick up all the pieces of broken promises. Picked one up the other day already, so many more to slowly pick them all up.
Maybe it was fate who broke those promises you'd made, but I still want to blame you, or her, can I?
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Hanabi
The lines in Chinese was what I thought almost immediately after the fireworks show had ended. Thought it is a good analogy.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Should I Or Shouldn't?
I always play this game when I can't decide. I call it the apple/orange game, but with variations. Usually people will ask apple or orange, but I like the two nouns to rhyme, so usually I'd pick tomato and potato. Anyway, it's late now. Don't know who should I pick to help me pick my choice. I don't know what's wrong with me.
3 engagements yesterday and 0 photos. Even though I felt good about the engagements yesterday, I don't really feel much better tomorrow, so I don't know what I'd do tomorrow. I've two other alternative plans tomorrow, but the main one is still breaking my head. But looking forward to tea tomorrow. I miss the food there.
Food can still be the same no matter what happens, as long as the whole kitchen team is not changed overnight, but people change. I once made a date with someone to go there for tea sometime. I even emailed that place and asked about prices and discounts and the menu and stuff, but well, just put it this way. The food can still be the same, the menu can still be the same, that eatery can still be the same, the price can also be the same (although i doubt it would), but I guess I won't have the chance to eat there with you. Maybe one day you'd go there with someone else, or maybe not, or maybe, what the fuck am I thinking? It was really bad having to search the emails just now to check the details for my tea tomorrow, but I guess there are somethings I need to live with.
I can say today is a day that the past came back to haunt. 3 and 5 both messaged me and remicsed about the past. I don't know if it's a good thing or bad. I don't even know if I'm happy or disappointed. I don't know how I'm feeling. And this was just after I was talking about 4 and 5 with a friend yesterday. We talked a bit about stuff. She's just broken off (okay, not so just, but just in Joan's relativity) with her (now) ex-boyfriend, somewhere along the lines, another girl did appear. My position is very different, but still all problems stemmed from the multiple boat stepping males. Really, I've been so disillusioned by males already, so why am I still not getting over the stupid problem of the one I mentioned above. Maybe I should give him a code or something if I really want to dwell deeper into that problem. hai...
I'll start outline the problem, it started from I don't know when. Maybe from two years ago, more than two years ago. But the main problem is that if I'm already disillusioned as I've always claimed, why am I still being affected? I'm screwed la. I'm so screwed that I don't know what I'm thinking.
I want to talk about my engagements yesterday even though I don't have pictures. It's really so indifferent of me not to have pictures because I'm the kind who'd snap freely when I'm in a good mood, and yesterday wasn't bad. Maybe I was too tired. I hope my engagement(s) tomorrow would be better. But then again, the plan was to meet a certain person almost immediately after I returned to Singapore, that plan is now in the dustbin. hai... I really don't know why people can be busy. Maybe this is because I'm so not a busy person that I cannot understand the lives of busy people. I should not be affected, third time I'm saying this here. damn...
Anyway yesterday I took out my make up kit once again. It's the whole atmosphere is Singapore that compelled me to once again be the groomed person that I wasn't when I was in Germany. It's nice to paint my face even though my makeup's light. It just makes me feel so much better.
The first friend I met lost weight. bah~ Think we've both grown up a lot. The last time I met her was her birthday party, of course, she was radiant. Now, guess things have changed, people have matured, and well, relationships do take a turn. We also talked about other people in our clique, and how they are. I thought about someone I once regarded as my best friend. I think she's still a very good friend of mine, but sometime somewhere we both stopped contacting. The last time we chatted she had some problems, so I don't know how's she now. hai... Maybe I should pick up the phone before I regret. Then we also talked about mahjong. I was thinking, it would be nice if we could form a mahjong support group and like meet regularly just to play mahjong. But of course, I forgot that I'm the only person with a whole lot of time on my hands, and everyone else is busy with god knows what.
Guess now, it'd only take the next person's birthday for us to be gathered together again.
The next engagement was incidentally to a birthday party. It was a surprise birthday party. In the whole party, other than the birthday girl I knew only two other people. Well, I guess it's because of the geographical difference. There was once a time when I said that Singapore is so small that you'll bound to meet the same people, especially when we are all from the same education system (meaning that we were all smart people who ended up in junior colleges and universities), but then again, Singapore is really bigger than I thought. My friend who went to the party too, knew a couple of people by face in the party. That was because she grew up in the West. The East Coast girl knows nothing about Jurong. Near the MRT station there was this place called the Jurong Entertainment Centre, all of them said they grew up there, spent their after school hours there, but I've never even heard of that place in my entire life.
It was a bit awkward in the party since me and my friend didn't interact with the birthday girl's other friends, but it was still a very cosy party and the birthday girl was so surprised, and very happy and touched. It's nice to see a smile on her face. It's nice to see smiles on people's faces.
I felt quite bad because throughout the party I was dozing off. I was so tired because of the lack of sleep and ended up dozing off on the couch every moment I stopped talking. I even slept on the train to and from the party, almost missing my stop. But despite my lack of sleep, I arranged for supper with another friend.
I had cravings for icecream, and something sweet. And I didn't feel like going home. After all, going home means going back online, and wasting time doing nothing on the world wide web. I have my mangas to read, but it's still not very productive. I arranged to meet my friend at Siglap, so I thought taking a train to Tanah Merah MRT would be more appropriate. At Tanah Merah, I could take either 12 or 14 but the buses were in different directions, and as you know because of the MRT station, it's impossible to stand on one side of the road and watch out for the other. Heck, I couldn't even see the oncoming buses from the other side. So it's either 12 or 14. In the end I picked 12 because the physical journey was shorter. But I guess I was really down in luck. After waiting 45min for the bus, it never appeared. In the end, to cut short my friend's waiting, I cabbed down. And I experienced for myself full blown the impact of the rise in cab fares. it cost me $5 to get to Siglap from Tanah Merah. Damn... If I knew I wanted to cab, I should have went to Bedok. kanasai...
At first I wanted to go Gelare for icecream and waffles, but the queue was horrendously long. My friend sitting down there and waited said the queue had been that long ever since he arrived. In the end, we went down Cartel and had milkshakes and wings. A chocolate milkshake is always a good comforting food.
Oh well... I don't know how it would be like tomorrow. Think I'll just cross my fingers and hope things will turn out okay.
One a happier note. I've got my modules I bidded for. Luckily no need for a back up plan. I hope I get my tutorials too. I hate CORS. Have I mentioned it before? It's so traumatising to see someone placing a 2053 bid on a module. You know what, I have currently 2500 points in my programme account. By next semester I'll have more than 3000 points. I will throw all 3000 points in one of my modules and scare and traumatise everyone in my module. Of course, I'll pick a popular module with high number of candidates so that I can traumatise more people. This is payback time~ (Just realised that this fits in the category of should or shouldn't. lol~)
I guess it's time to sleep. If I appear tomorrow, it means I appear. If I don't means I don't. I'll bring along my bottle of vodka. If you want to drink, drink. If you don't want, I think I'll leave.
Good night~
3 engagements yesterday and 0 photos. Even though I felt good about the engagements yesterday, I don't really feel much better tomorrow, so I don't know what I'd do tomorrow. I've two other alternative plans tomorrow, but the main one is still breaking my head. But looking forward to tea tomorrow. I miss the food there.
Food can still be the same no matter what happens, as long as the whole kitchen team is not changed overnight, but people change. I once made a date with someone to go there for tea sometime. I even emailed that place and asked about prices and discounts and the menu and stuff, but well, just put it this way. The food can still be the same, the menu can still be the same, that eatery can still be the same, the price can also be the same (although i doubt it would), but I guess I won't have the chance to eat there with you. Maybe one day you'd go there with someone else, or maybe not, or maybe, what the fuck am I thinking? It was really bad having to search the emails just now to check the details for my tea tomorrow, but I guess there are somethings I need to live with.
I can say today is a day that the past came back to haunt. 3 and 5 both messaged me and remicsed about the past. I don't know if it's a good thing or bad. I don't even know if I'm happy or disappointed. I don't know how I'm feeling. And this was just after I was talking about 4 and 5 with a friend yesterday. We talked a bit about stuff. She's just broken off (okay, not so just, but just in Joan's relativity) with her (now) ex-boyfriend, somewhere along the lines, another girl did appear. My position is very different, but still all problems stemmed from the multiple boat stepping males. Really, I've been so disillusioned by males already, so why am I still not getting over the stupid problem of the one I mentioned above. Maybe I should give him a code or something if I really want to dwell deeper into that problem. hai...
I'll start outline the problem, it started from I don't know when. Maybe from two years ago, more than two years ago. But the main problem is that if I'm already disillusioned as I've always claimed, why am I still being affected? I'm screwed la. I'm so screwed that I don't know what I'm thinking.
I want to talk about my engagements yesterday even though I don't have pictures. It's really so indifferent of me not to have pictures because I'm the kind who'd snap freely when I'm in a good mood, and yesterday wasn't bad. Maybe I was too tired. I hope my engagement(s) tomorrow would be better. But then again, the plan was to meet a certain person almost immediately after I returned to Singapore, that plan is now in the dustbin. hai... I really don't know why people can be busy. Maybe this is because I'm so not a busy person that I cannot understand the lives of busy people. I should not be affected, third time I'm saying this here. damn...
Anyway yesterday I took out my make up kit once again. It's the whole atmosphere is Singapore that compelled me to once again be the groomed person that I wasn't when I was in Germany. It's nice to paint my face even though my makeup's light. It just makes me feel so much better.
The first friend I met lost weight. bah~ Think we've both grown up a lot. The last time I met her was her birthday party, of course, she was radiant. Now, guess things have changed, people have matured, and well, relationships do take a turn. We also talked about other people in our clique, and how they are. I thought about someone I once regarded as my best friend. I think she's still a very good friend of mine, but sometime somewhere we both stopped contacting. The last time we chatted she had some problems, so I don't know how's she now. hai... Maybe I should pick up the phone before I regret. Then we also talked about mahjong. I was thinking, it would be nice if we could form a mahjong support group and like meet regularly just to play mahjong. But of course, I forgot that I'm the only person with a whole lot of time on my hands, and everyone else is busy with god knows what.
Guess now, it'd only take the next person's birthday for us to be gathered together again.
The next engagement was incidentally to a birthday party. It was a surprise birthday party. In the whole party, other than the birthday girl I knew only two other people. Well, I guess it's because of the geographical difference. There was once a time when I said that Singapore is so small that you'll bound to meet the same people, especially when we are all from the same education system (meaning that we were all smart people who ended up in junior colleges and universities), but then again, Singapore is really bigger than I thought. My friend who went to the party too, knew a couple of people by face in the party. That was because she grew up in the West. The East Coast girl knows nothing about Jurong. Near the MRT station there was this place called the Jurong Entertainment Centre, all of them said they grew up there, spent their after school hours there, but I've never even heard of that place in my entire life.
It was a bit awkward in the party since me and my friend didn't interact with the birthday girl's other friends, but it was still a very cosy party and the birthday girl was so surprised, and very happy and touched. It's nice to see a smile on her face. It's nice to see smiles on people's faces.
I felt quite bad because throughout the party I was dozing off. I was so tired because of the lack of sleep and ended up dozing off on the couch every moment I stopped talking. I even slept on the train to and from the party, almost missing my stop. But despite my lack of sleep, I arranged for supper with another friend.
I had cravings for icecream, and something sweet. And I didn't feel like going home. After all, going home means going back online, and wasting time doing nothing on the world wide web. I have my mangas to read, but it's still not very productive. I arranged to meet my friend at Siglap, so I thought taking a train to Tanah Merah MRT would be more appropriate. At Tanah Merah, I could take either 12 or 14 but the buses were in different directions, and as you know because of the MRT station, it's impossible to stand on one side of the road and watch out for the other. Heck, I couldn't even see the oncoming buses from the other side. So it's either 12 or 14. In the end I picked 12 because the physical journey was shorter. But I guess I was really down in luck. After waiting 45min for the bus, it never appeared. In the end, to cut short my friend's waiting, I cabbed down. And I experienced for myself full blown the impact of the rise in cab fares. it cost me $5 to get to Siglap from Tanah Merah. Damn... If I knew I wanted to cab, I should have went to Bedok. kanasai...
At first I wanted to go Gelare for icecream and waffles, but the queue was horrendously long. My friend sitting down there and waited said the queue had been that long ever since he arrived. In the end, we went down Cartel and had milkshakes and wings. A chocolate milkshake is always a good comforting food.
Oh well... I don't know how it would be like tomorrow. Think I'll just cross my fingers and hope things will turn out okay.
One a happier note. I've got my modules I bidded for. Luckily no need for a back up plan. I hope I get my tutorials too. I hate CORS. Have I mentioned it before? It's so traumatising to see someone placing a 2053 bid on a module. You know what, I have currently 2500 points in my programme account. By next semester I'll have more than 3000 points. I will throw all 3000 points in one of my modules and scare and traumatise everyone in my module. Of course, I'll pick a popular module with high number of candidates so that I can traumatise more people. This is payback time~ (Just realised that this fits in the category of should or shouldn't. lol~)
I guess it's time to sleep. If I appear tomorrow, it means I appear. If I don't means I don't. I'll bring along my bottle of vodka. If you want to drink, drink. If you don't want, I think I'll leave.
Good night~
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
Don't Bother
Let's just put things simply. Don't ask me about it, I don't feel like talking about it. I've been so miserable ever since I got back. I don't know why either.
I've two engagements tomorrow. If things go well, fine. If not, I'd go in hiding. Don't bother looking for me, I'll be totally MIA. (And I don't mean that I'm not blogging, I mean that I'll really be uncontactable in real life.)
Sorry.
I think I'm reaching my threshold of tolerance. And I can't blog about stuff. Self censorship. Think I must need to make an appointment with Dr Nagu at the UHWC again.
I've two engagements tomorrow. If things go well, fine. If not, I'd go in hiding. Don't bother looking for me, I'll be totally MIA. (And I don't mean that I'm not blogging, I mean that I'll really be uncontactable in real life.)
Sorry.
I think I'm reaching my threshold of tolerance. And I can't blog about stuff. Self censorship. Think I must need to make an appointment with Dr Nagu at the UHWC again.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Karma
Karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.
What goes around comes around.
What goes up comes down.
Another word for it: Retribution.
I've been feeling foul since the weekend when my camera broke down in front of me and I've seemed to lost the drive to do everything. Add another two people who've made me worse. And when I'm foul, I start to take it out on some passers by. And in return for being mean, I end up cultivating bad karma. And I end up with worse things happening to me. And I become more foul. And I do more bad things. And I cultivate more bad karma. And I get more retribution. And I become more foul. And I do more bad things. And I cultivate more bad karma. And I get more retribution. And it goes on and on.
This is also called a vicious cycle. And I'm stuck in it unable to break free.
Someone once asked me what would I do when I'm angry. I said I'll let the person who made me angry know I'm angry and regret making me angry. But then again, it's not easy to make me angry because I've high tolerance level. But when I'm angry I can be very horrible. My outbursts can instill fear in my friends, but I've haven't had a huge outburst for quite sometime already. I sort of think that my emotions might have got pent up inside me, that's why when I burst, it's very bad.
I mentioned in a previous post that someone tricked me into revealling a secret, something no one else in the world knows about. Except the said person involved in the secret, and now that person who tricked me. I surprised myself when I didn't flare up and demanded an apology. But as days went on, I'm starting to feel very jittery. I think all the emotions have been pent up inside me, all the unhappiness, and all the foul mood in me. It's snowballing.
The more I think about it the more fed up I am. The said person didn't apologise. Not only that, I didn't have a reassurance that that secret would be kept safe. And to think about it, it's really horrible to be tricked. And it's really very despisable to like that trick other people, especially a friend of yours. I think between friends there should be respect, and also a respect of privacy. kauz... The more I think about it the more horrid I feel. And also the insecurity, because of the other party involved. I promised not to say, and now the promised seemed to have been broken because of my lapse in judgement and got myself tricked.
I've mentioned before, I'm a treasure trove. People trust me to tell me about their encounters in life, their pain and their insecurities. They trust me because they know that I can keep secrets. But one think I think why people end up telling me stuff is that I never once asked for details. I respect their privacy and I never probe more than it's needed. I'd ask what happened, but never ask for details like who is that person involved, or any details of intimacy. I think this is why people feel safe and comfortable talking to me. And maybe because this has always been my policy that I really hate it when people go against what I believed in.
Oh god...
I really should have flared up the moment I was tricked, then maybe I won't feel so bad now, all the emotions wouldn't have snowballed.
Okay, the trigger of the snowballing is that the said person said that I was mean in relation to something else. I am mean, yes, I admit it, but I didn't make use of any underhand methods. Everything was plain and clear for the person I was mean to and the person I was mean to can always shoot back at me. What that said person did, the more I think the more unforgivable I think it is. It's a betrayal of friendship, a betrayal of trust, and a betrayal of respect. If a passerby did it, I'd definitely have flared up immediately, and everything would be over, but it's a friend. At first, I thought since it was a friend, I could trust the person not to spread, but the more I think about it the more indignant I feel. If that person treated me as a friend, that person wouldn't have tricked me.
Because that person is a friend, that person know the agony I've been through because of all those that happened before. That person knew that I was once clinically depressed because of this damn stupid thing. That person knew that no matter what happened, I would never divulge any information or details about it.
I've always been very touchy about this stuff, one reason is because the other party made me promise not to say anything, the other is that I just don't like talking about it. I think I've my own privacy. If I want to tell anyone anything, I would say, if I don't want, let me be.
Damn... I have only myself to blame for being so stupid. sucks...
That's the first person who made me feel sour, then there's the other person. Granted, what this second person did was nowhere as horrible as the first person, but it's enough to make me feel worse. Oh man... The more I talk about the first person the more I want to burst. Damn... Must have a showdown one day. The second person now seems to saintly behind the first person.
Actually, things with the second person is partly my fault. I surprised myself by causing that rift with the second person. The second person once said something in passing to me. I didn't know why, but I got jealous. I think this wave of jealousy was buried in me and was awakened during the encounter with the second person again during the circumstance which made what that person did look worse.
I was trying to control my jealousy, so I wanted some form of assurance from the second person, but I didn't get it. I guess the more you want something, the more elusive it would be to you. I still wasn't able to get it. I used the carrot, and the stick and still nothing worked. The person managed to duck from the sticks and managed to collect the carrot. So now, I've lost the carrots and still not able to get what I want, and the wave of jealousy is rising. Really, I've no right to feel jealous actually, but I just can't stop myself. I really surprised myself with this level of intensity of jealousy. Really don't know how I'm going to face the second person when I get back to Singapore. It's that kind of want, don't want kind of feeling. I'm so afraid that I'll lose control of myself and end up hurting the both of us, yet again.
The chorus is playing in my head...
Tears of Pearls
by Savage Garden
And we stare each other down like victims in the grind
Probing all the weakness and hurt still left behind and we cry
The tears of pearls
We do it. Oh we do it.
Is love really the tragedy the way you might describe?
Or would a thousand lovers still leave you cold inside?
Make you cry...
These tears of pearls
All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearl devotions we keep locked away from all the world
Your kisses are like pearls, so different and so rare
But anger stole the jewels away and love has left you bare,
Made you cry...
These tears of pearls
Well I could be the tired joker pour my heart to get you in
Sacrifice my happiness just so I could win
Maybe cry...
These tears of pearls
All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearls devotions we keep locked away from all the world
We twist and turn where angles burn
Like fallen soilders we will learn
That once forgotten, twice removed
Love will be the death...
The death of you
All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearls devotions we keep locked away from all the world
Damn... My CD is back at home. How I wish I had that song with me now. I think this is one reason why I love pearls so much, it reminds me of tears. hai... The song seems to be describing me... Not really a good thing, but hai...
What goes around comes around.
What goes up comes down.
Another word for it: Retribution.
I've been feeling foul since the weekend when my camera broke down in front of me and I've seemed to lost the drive to do everything. Add another two people who've made me worse. And when I'm foul, I start to take it out on some passers by. And in return for being mean, I end up cultivating bad karma. And I end up with worse things happening to me. And I become more foul. And I do more bad things. And I cultivate more bad karma. And I get more retribution. And I become more foul. And I do more bad things. And I cultivate more bad karma. And I get more retribution. And it goes on and on.
This is also called a vicious cycle. And I'm stuck in it unable to break free.
Someone once asked me what would I do when I'm angry. I said I'll let the person who made me angry know I'm angry and regret making me angry. But then again, it's not easy to make me angry because I've high tolerance level. But when I'm angry I can be very horrible. My outbursts can instill fear in my friends, but I've haven't had a huge outburst for quite sometime already. I sort of think that my emotions might have got pent up inside me, that's why when I burst, it's very bad.
I mentioned in a previous post that someone tricked me into revealling a secret, something no one else in the world knows about. Except the said person involved in the secret, and now that person who tricked me. I surprised myself when I didn't flare up and demanded an apology. But as days went on, I'm starting to feel very jittery. I think all the emotions have been pent up inside me, all the unhappiness, and all the foul mood in me. It's snowballing.
The more I think about it the more fed up I am. The said person didn't apologise. Not only that, I didn't have a reassurance that that secret would be kept safe. And to think about it, it's really horrible to be tricked. And it's really very despisable to like that trick other people, especially a friend of yours. I think between friends there should be respect, and also a respect of privacy. kauz... The more I think about it the more horrid I feel. And also the insecurity, because of the other party involved. I promised not to say, and now the promised seemed to have been broken because of my lapse in judgement and got myself tricked.
I've mentioned before, I'm a treasure trove. People trust me to tell me about their encounters in life, their pain and their insecurities. They trust me because they know that I can keep secrets. But one think I think why people end up telling me stuff is that I never once asked for details. I respect their privacy and I never probe more than it's needed. I'd ask what happened, but never ask for details like who is that person involved, or any details of intimacy. I think this is why people feel safe and comfortable talking to me. And maybe because this has always been my policy that I really hate it when people go against what I believed in.
Oh god...
I really should have flared up the moment I was tricked, then maybe I won't feel so bad now, all the emotions wouldn't have snowballed.
Okay, the trigger of the snowballing is that the said person said that I was mean in relation to something else. I am mean, yes, I admit it, but I didn't make use of any underhand methods. Everything was plain and clear for the person I was mean to and the person I was mean to can always shoot back at me. What that said person did, the more I think the more unforgivable I think it is. It's a betrayal of friendship, a betrayal of trust, and a betrayal of respect. If a passerby did it, I'd definitely have flared up immediately, and everything would be over, but it's a friend. At first, I thought since it was a friend, I could trust the person not to spread, but the more I think about it the more indignant I feel. If that person treated me as a friend, that person wouldn't have tricked me.
Because that person is a friend, that person know the agony I've been through because of all those that happened before. That person knew that I was once clinically depressed because of this damn stupid thing. That person knew that no matter what happened, I would never divulge any information or details about it.
I've always been very touchy about this stuff, one reason is because the other party made me promise not to say anything, the other is that I just don't like talking about it. I think I've my own privacy. If I want to tell anyone anything, I would say, if I don't want, let me be.
Damn... I have only myself to blame for being so stupid. sucks...
That's the first person who made me feel sour, then there's the other person. Granted, what this second person did was nowhere as horrible as the first person, but it's enough to make me feel worse. Oh man... The more I talk about the first person the more I want to burst. Damn... Must have a showdown one day. The second person now seems to saintly behind the first person.
Actually, things with the second person is partly my fault. I surprised myself by causing that rift with the second person. The second person once said something in passing to me. I didn't know why, but I got jealous. I think this wave of jealousy was buried in me and was awakened during the encounter with the second person again during the circumstance which made what that person did look worse.
I was trying to control my jealousy, so I wanted some form of assurance from the second person, but I didn't get it. I guess the more you want something, the more elusive it would be to you. I still wasn't able to get it. I used the carrot, and the stick and still nothing worked. The person managed to duck from the sticks and managed to collect the carrot. So now, I've lost the carrots and still not able to get what I want, and the wave of jealousy is rising. Really, I've no right to feel jealous actually, but I just can't stop myself. I really surprised myself with this level of intensity of jealousy. Really don't know how I'm going to face the second person when I get back to Singapore. It's that kind of want, don't want kind of feeling. I'm so afraid that I'll lose control of myself and end up hurting the both of us, yet again.
The chorus is playing in my head...
Tears of Pearls
by Savage Garden
And we stare each other down like victims in the grind
Probing all the weakness and hurt still left behind and we cry
The tears of pearls
We do it. Oh we do it.
Is love really the tragedy the way you might describe?
Or would a thousand lovers still leave you cold inside?
Make you cry...
These tears of pearls
All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearl devotions we keep locked away from all the world
Your kisses are like pearls, so different and so rare
But anger stole the jewels away and love has left you bare,
Made you cry...
These tears of pearls
Well I could be the tired joker pour my heart to get you in
Sacrifice my happiness just so I could win
Maybe cry...
These tears of pearls
All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearls devotions we keep locked away from all the world
We twist and turn where angles burn
Like fallen soilders we will learn
That once forgotten, twice removed
Love will be the death...
The death of you
All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearls devotions we keep locked away from all the world
Damn... My CD is back at home. How I wish I had that song with me now. I think this is one reason why I love pearls so much, it reminds me of tears. hai... The song seems to be describing me... Not really a good thing, but hai...
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
The Two Sides of a Golden Coin
yes or no?
- Can't there be something between yeses and nos?
black or white?
- Can't there be a varying tone of grey?
forget or remember?
- Can I not forget but don't remember?
I once made a decision that I tried very hard sticking to it, but that time period that I drew up is coming to an end. What lies in store for me 46 days later? I really do not know, and I don't want to know. I want to be happy, but happiness can be derived from two opposing things, or should I say, sadness will come from these same two opposing things.
I have something that I've been guarding very tightly. I have from long always been in danger of losing it, but somehow or another, I've found a way to get around things without losing this. But is there any good for me to keep holding onto this?
I think I've been running away. Running away from making a decision.
但是逃避能解决问题吗？
Or maybe I need to find another form of support, to give me a valid reason not to face all those dreaded decision, or to force to to make another form of decision, but then again, can I keep myself to another form of commitment?
It's times like this I really hate myself. Or can I safely say that I wish I'd never met you?
Now playing this song over and over again...
I feel like her...
- Can't there be something between yeses and nos?
black or white?
- Can't there be a varying tone of grey?
forget or remember?
- Can I not forget but don't remember?
I once made a decision that I tried very hard sticking to it, but that time period that I drew up is coming to an end. What lies in store for me 46 days later? I really do not know, and I don't want to know. I want to be happy, but happiness can be derived from two opposing things, or should I say, sadness will come from these same two opposing things.
I have something that I've been guarding very tightly. I have from long always been in danger of losing it, but somehow or another, I've found a way to get around things without losing this. But is there any good for me to keep holding onto this?
I think I've been running away. Running away from making a decision.
但是逃避能解决问题吗？
Or maybe I need to find another form of support, to give me a valid reason not to face all those dreaded decision, or to force to to make another form of decision, but then again, can I keep myself to another form of commitment?
It's times like this I really hate myself. Or can I safely say that I wish I'd never met you?
Now playing this song over and over again...
I feel like her...
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
Back from Berlin
I'm so bloody tired.
I didn't manage to get much sleep on the train because of this big fear of missing the train station and screwing myself up. I'm going to head for a short nap now before I get up to get some work done. sian~
Berlin brought back depression into me. First, it's so amazing how a country ravaged by losing two world wars can now manage to achieve so high standards of living that even America and UK pale in comparison. Of course, I say this because I've never been to Japan, and Japan's only ravaged by one world war, and much of the destruction were limited to a couple of aerial bombs and not literally the army marching into the city and ravage it and it's people. depressing...
Not only that, it's also the being all alone in the big city that make me realise, I've been really trying to hard to build this wall around my heart and make me appear strong when I'm in fact, but a weakling.
A friend wrote this in her blog...
摆脱我心中的恶魔
每次看偶像剧，剧中的男女主角总是幸福美满，快快乐乐地生活在一起。现实生活中的男男女女，是否都会有如此美满的姻缘？我开始对之前所存有的所谓“天长地久”这个概念，不再抱以任何的希望。毕竟，现在的我还正在尝试走出情伤，就先把所有完美无瑕的念头抛开一边好了。
从香港返回新加坡，相信是我人生中的一大转捩点。决定提前回来，为的是要除去我心中的一块大石。在香港的那段日子，发生了许多令我实在是措手不及的事。面对眼前所有的问题，不禁开始怀疑，我们是否真的是彼此在寻找的那个“终生伴侣”？只觉得对他的那份感情还是依旧存在，但如果只单靠纯纯的爱，真的能够克服眼前所有的障碍吗？我没勇气这么想，真的没有勇气。
有好几次，其实我已经下定决心，斩草除根，把心中的魔鬼去除掉。但是下定决心了后，总是力不从心。觉得好好笑哦。之前的我还那么坚定，到了隔天，一觉醒来，那所谓的意志力，也随着我的睡意，消失得无影无踪。我又再次陷进去，陷进那无底洞里，无法爬出来。奇怪的是，我还很清醒，很清楚自己已经再次跌了进去，但我似乎还很开心。你能骂我活该，骂我愚蠢，骂我笨，骂我没用头脑想。我还是傻傻地陷了进去。
每次都欺骗自己，告诉自己一切都还是很完美的。 告诉自己一切都还是顺顺利利的，我们彼此还是深爱对方，只要是那样就已经足够了。
但是，童话故事并不是美好的。我应该说是欺骗自己的童话故事，根本就不会是美好的。这一切结束了。四年的光阴，我们所拥有的快乐时光，都像枯萎的花瓣掉落在草地上，随着风飘走了。虽然已经结束了，但我还被困在无底洞里，爬不出来。
只要还能感觉到他对我的一丝眷念或是关怀，我都会感到无比的快乐。但我完全不知道自己已经越陷越深，在这样下去，根本是不行的。
那晚，他对我说不想再隐瞒我了，说他找到了一段新恋情。
我知道这一天一定会到的，但没想到竟然会那么快。之前的我最害怕听到的就是这个，最不想面对的，也是这个。为什么要让我知道呢？让我继续欺骗自己吧。
到现在，心里还会不断地隐隐作痛，那种感觉，真的好难形容。每回想到曾经和自己走得那么近的人，现在却和别人走在一起，那种阵痛便会油然而生。好辛苦。为什么不能和喜欢的人长长久久？到底是谁发明了“分手”这两个字？
我知道现在是时候踏出这个无底洞，摆脱心中的恶魔，勇敢地自己走下去。我一定要成功,请祝我好运。
P/S: 本故事纯属虚构,如有雷同,纯属巧合.
I replied this...
我不看偶像剧，因为都是骗人的。我从很久以前就觉得童话，偶像剧，日剧，韩剧，都是超现实，所以我看港剧。港剧没有天长地久，没有忠诚，没有信任，有的只是复杂的恋情。
可能我的世界已经蒙上一层灰，可能我已不再懂得什么是忠诚，可能我已经把世界定为一个充满着奸诈，我学会了怎么不再爱任何人。包括爱了很久的那一个人...
But of course, I'm not being true to myself. I said to myself that I shall never love again, so why am I feeling this pang of pain and go through the whole process of mindfucking and get mindfucked all over again? Perhaps my friend's has got it right, "那晚，他对我说不想再隐瞒我了，说他找到了一段新恋情。/ 我知道这一天一定会到的，但没想到竟然会那么快。之前的我最害怕听到的就是这个，最不想面对的，也是这个。为什么要让我知道呢？让我继续欺骗自己吧。"
我再骗我自己什么？
我以前认为只要耐心的等，总有一天会等到。但你却让我明白有些东西不管我等多久，我还是得不到，或者应该说，我还是不可能得到。但又有人给我希望，跟我说如果我耐心的等，我会等到我要的东西。现在，我已不清楚我要什么东西，但充满着爱恨情仇的我只知道我就是不要你比我幸福。Conan as Shinichi once said to Ran that she needn't worry about what others think, as long as she's being true to her own feelings, then after that he scoffed at the irony, that it's actually him not being true to his own feelings. I think I'm feeling vengeful...
I went off topic again. And I wanted to say something else, about someone else, about something I received, from someone whom I care about and cares for me. Life just is this bad, that you can't see the good things and only can see the bad. I think lack of sleep and the deary weather is wearing me down. Even pms isn't that bad... I hate the rain and the cold. And I hate you.
I'm so totally emotionally fucked up now. bah~
I didn't manage to get much sleep on the train because of this big fear of missing the train station and screwing myself up. I'm going to head for a short nap now before I get up to get some work done. sian~
Berlin brought back depression into me. First, it's so amazing how a country ravaged by losing two world wars can now manage to achieve so high standards of living that even America and UK pale in comparison. Of course, I say this because I've never been to Japan, and Japan's only ravaged by one world war, and much of the destruction were limited to a couple of aerial bombs and not literally the army marching into the city and ravage it and it's people. depressing...
Not only that, it's also the being all alone in the big city that make me realise, I've been really trying to hard to build this wall around my heart and make me appear strong when I'm in fact, but a weakling.
A friend wrote this in her blog...
摆脱我心中的恶魔
每次看偶像剧，剧中的男女主角总是幸福美满，快快乐乐地生活在一起。现实生活中的男男女女，是否都会有如此美满的姻缘？我开始对之前所存有的所谓“天长地久”这个概念，不再抱以任何的希望。毕竟，现在的我还正在尝试走出情伤，就先把所有完美无瑕的念头抛开一边好了。
从香港返回新加坡，相信是我人生中的一大转捩点。决定提前回来，为的是要除去我心中的一块大石。在香港的那段日子，发生了许多令我实在是措手不及的事。面对眼前所有的问题，不禁开始怀疑，我们是否真的是彼此在寻找的那个“终生伴侣”？只觉得对他的那份感情还是依旧存在，但如果只单靠纯纯的爱，真的能够克服眼前所有的障碍吗？我没勇气这么想，真的没有勇气。
有好几次，其实我已经下定决心，斩草除根，把心中的魔鬼去除掉。但是下定决心了后，总是力不从心。觉得好好笑哦。之前的我还那么坚定，到了隔天，一觉醒来，那所谓的意志力，也随着我的睡意，消失得无影无踪。我又再次陷进去，陷进那无底洞里，无法爬出来。奇怪的是，我还很清醒，很清楚自己已经再次跌了进去，但我似乎还很开心。你能骂我活该，骂我愚蠢，骂我笨，骂我没用头脑想。我还是傻傻地陷了进去。
每次都欺骗自己，告诉自己一切都还是很完美的。 告诉自己一切都还是顺顺利利的，我们彼此还是深爱对方，只要是那样就已经足够了。
但是，童话故事并不是美好的。我应该说是欺骗自己的童话故事，根本就不会是美好的。这一切结束了。四年的光阴，我们所拥有的快乐时光，都像枯萎的花瓣掉落在草地上，随着风飘走了。虽然已经结束了，但我还被困在无底洞里，爬不出来。
只要还能感觉到他对我的一丝眷念或是关怀，我都会感到无比的快乐。但我完全不知道自己已经越陷越深，在这样下去，根本是不行的。
那晚，他对我说不想再隐瞒我了，说他找到了一段新恋情。
我知道这一天一定会到的，但没想到竟然会那么快。之前的我最害怕听到的就是这个，最不想面对的，也是这个。为什么要让我知道呢？让我继续欺骗自己吧。
到现在，心里还会不断地隐隐作痛，那种感觉，真的好难形容。每回想到曾经和自己走得那么近的人，现在却和别人走在一起，那种阵痛便会油然而生。好辛苦。为什么不能和喜欢的人长长久久？到底是谁发明了“分手”这两个字？
我知道现在是时候踏出这个无底洞，摆脱心中的恶魔，勇敢地自己走下去。我一定要成功,请祝我好运。
P/S: 本故事纯属虚构,如有雷同,纯属巧合.
I replied this...
我不看偶像剧，因为都是骗人的。我从很久以前就觉得童话，偶像剧，日剧，韩剧，都是超现实，所以我看港剧。港剧没有天长地久，没有忠诚，没有信任，有的只是复杂的恋情。
可能我的世界已经蒙上一层灰，可能我已不再懂得什么是忠诚，可能我已经把世界定为一个充满着奸诈，我学会了怎么不再爱任何人。包括爱了很久的那一个人...
But of course, I'm not being true to myself. I said to myself that I shall never love again, so why am I feeling this pang of pain and go through the whole process of mindfucking and get mindfucked all over again? Perhaps my friend's has got it right, "那晚，他对我说不想再隐瞒我了，说他找到了一段新恋情。/ 我知道这一天一定会到的，但没想到竟然会那么快。之前的我最害怕听到的就是这个，最不想面对的，也是这个。为什么要让我知道呢？让我继续欺骗自己吧。"
我再骗我自己什么？
我以前认为只要耐心的等，总有一天会等到。但你却让我明白有些东西不管我等多久，我还是得不到，或者应该说，我还是不可能得到。但又有人给我希望，跟我说如果我耐心的等，我会等到我要的东西。现在，我已不清楚我要什么东西，但充满着爱恨情仇的我只知道我就是不要你比我幸福。Conan as Shinichi once said to Ran that she needn't worry about what others think, as long as she's being true to her own feelings, then after that he scoffed at the irony, that it's actually him not being true to his own feelings. I think I'm feeling vengeful...
I went off topic again. And I wanted to say something else, about someone else, about something I received, from someone whom I care about and cares for me. Life just is this bad, that you can't see the good things and only can see the bad. I think lack of sleep and the deary weather is wearing me down. Even pms isn't that bad... I hate the rain and the cold. And I hate you.
I'm so totally emotionally fucked up now. bah~
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Of Moons and Vegetables
I always thought that it is impossible to 守得云开见月明, because I always thought that by the time you have 守得云开, it would have already been 初一. But it seems like, recently, there's a sign telling me that if I really can 守得云开, although it won't be 十五, at least it's still 初八.
So, should I 守得云开见初八的月亮?
Take an occasion when you really want to have caixin for dinner, and every day's dinner, so you make a trip down to the wet market near your house. You walk through rows and rows of vegetable stalls and don't see anyone selling caixin at all. The more stalls you see the more you want to have your caixin, but there just isn't any. Then after a few rows of butchery, you come to another section of vegetable stalls, this time you spot fresh and good kailan, but they cost $10 a kilo. Suddenly you realised that kailan has always been your favourite vegetable, so you stopped and bought five kilograms of kailan, spending $50.
Then you made your way out of the market, at the last stall before leaving the market, you see a small vegetable stall with some caixin going for $1 a kilo. The caixin isn't as fresh as the kailan you bought, but they are still edible, and going for only a dollar for a kilo.
Should I buy another five kilograms of caixin? And cook only caixin and kailan for breakfast lunch dinner since I've now ten kilograms of vegetables.
Or should I stick with my kailan? Or should I throw away my kailan and go ahead with the caixin? Or should I not buy the caixin in the first place?
Or would it be better if it were 初一 and that the last vegetable stall by the exit of the market had not existed at all? Or should I even forget about looking at 明月s and just eat my stupid five kilograms of kailan? But then again, what if my kailans go bad the next day? Say they get invaded by a swarm of worms and get rotten the next day, won't I be left with nothing anymore? No 明月s, no kailan, no caixin, then like that how?
hai...
And I'm supposed to continue with my Straßburg trip, I ended up talking about some nonsensical stuff bugging me the whole of today. I still have the Alsace tour from the Straßburg trip to blog about, and a little discussion about the region and a lot of food entries to put up, especially since I've been cooking so much and eating so much. I've put on weight. I tried on my pair of jeans, the other one, the nicer one, and I realised that although I can wear it and button it, the buttons will pop when I sit. Two buttons will pop when I sit and all four of them will pop when I squatted. I can't wear that pair of jeans anymore. I need new clothes. damn...
I think I should be eating less of everything else and just eat vegetables for breakfast lunch dinner, eat caixin and kailan. damn...
If not I can 捞明月 and 吃大饼...
So, should I 守得云开见初八的月亮?
Take an occasion when you really want to have caixin for dinner, and every day's dinner, so you make a trip down to the wet market near your house. You walk through rows and rows of vegetable stalls and don't see anyone selling caixin at all. The more stalls you see the more you want to have your caixin, but there just isn't any. Then after a few rows of butchery, you come to another section of vegetable stalls, this time you spot fresh and good kailan, but they cost $10 a kilo. Suddenly you realised that kailan has always been your favourite vegetable, so you stopped and bought five kilograms of kailan, spending $50.
Then you made your way out of the market, at the last stall before leaving the market, you see a small vegetable stall with some caixin going for $1 a kilo. The caixin isn't as fresh as the kailan you bought, but they are still edible, and going for only a dollar for a kilo.
Should I buy another five kilograms of caixin? And cook only caixin and kailan for breakfast lunch dinner since I've now ten kilograms of vegetables.
Or should I stick with my kailan? Or should I throw away my kailan and go ahead with the caixin? Or should I not buy the caixin in the first place?
Or would it be better if it were 初一 and that the last vegetable stall by the exit of the market had not existed at all? Or should I even forget about looking at 明月s and just eat my stupid five kilograms of kailan? But then again, what if my kailans go bad the next day? Say they get invaded by a swarm of worms and get rotten the next day, won't I be left with nothing anymore? No 明月s, no kailan, no caixin, then like that how?
hai...
And I'm supposed to continue with my Straßburg trip, I ended up talking about some nonsensical stuff bugging me the whole of today. I still have the Alsace tour from the Straßburg trip to blog about, and a little discussion about the region and a lot of food entries to put up, especially since I've been cooking so much and eating so much. I've put on weight. I tried on my pair of jeans, the other one, the nicer one, and I realised that although I can wear it and button it, the buttons will pop when I sit. Two buttons will pop when I sit and all four of them will pop when I squatted. I can't wear that pair of jeans anymore. I need new clothes. damn...
I think I should be eating less of everything else and just eat vegetables for breakfast lunch dinner, eat caixin and kailan. damn...
If not I can 捞明月 and 吃大饼...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
