Karma

Karma: The total effect of a person's actions and conduct during the successive phases of the person's existence, regarded as determining the person's destiny.

What goes around comes around.
What goes up comes down.

Another word for it: Retribution.

I've been feeling foul since the weekend when my camera broke down in front of me and I've seemed to lost the drive to do everything. Add another two people who've made me worse. And when I'm foul, I start to take it out on some passers by. And in return for being mean, I end up cultivating bad karma. And I end up with worse things happening to me. And I become more foul. And I do more bad things. And I cultivate more bad karma. And I get more retribution. And I become more foul. And I do more bad things. And I cultivate more bad karma. And I get more retribution. And it goes on and on.

This is also called a vicious cycle. And I'm stuck in it unable to break free.

Someone once asked me what would I do when I'm angry. I said I'll let the person who made me angry know I'm angry and regret making me angry. But then again, it's not easy to make me angry because I've high tolerance level. But when I'm angry I can be very horrible. My outbursts can instill fear in my friends, but I've haven't had a huge outburst for quite sometime already. I sort of think that my emotions might have got pent up inside me, that's why when I burst, it's very bad.

I mentioned in a previous post that someone tricked me into revealling a secret, something no one else in the world knows about. Except the said person involved in the secret, and now that person who tricked me. I surprised myself when I didn't flare up and demanded an apology. But as days went on, I'm starting to feel very jittery. I think all the emotions have been pent up inside me, all the unhappiness, and all the foul mood in me. It's snowballing.

The more I think about it the more fed up I am. The said person didn't apologise. Not only that, I didn't have a reassurance that that secret would be kept safe. And to think about it, it's really horrible to be tricked. And it's really very despisable to like that trick other people, especially a friend of yours. I think between friends there should be respect, and also a respect of privacy. kauz... The more I think about it the more horrid I feel. And also the insecurity, because of the other party involved. I promised not to say, and now the promised seemed to have been broken because of my lapse in judgement and got myself tricked.

I've mentioned before, I'm a treasure trove. People trust me to tell me about their encounters in life, their pain and their insecurities. They trust me because they know that I can keep secrets. But one think I think why people end up telling me stuff is that I never once asked for details. I respect their privacy and I never probe more than it's needed. I'd ask what happened, but never ask for details like who is that person involved, or any details of intimacy. I think this is why people feel safe and comfortable talking to me. And maybe because this has always been my policy that I really hate it when people go against what I believed in.

Oh god...

I really should have flared up the moment I was tricked, then maybe I won't feel so bad now, all the emotions wouldn't have snowballed.

Okay, the trigger of the snowballing is that the said person said that I was mean in relation to something else. I am mean, yes, I admit it, but I didn't make use of any underhand methods. Everything was plain and clear for the person I was mean to and the person I was mean to can always shoot back at me. What that said person did, the more I think the more unforgivable I think it is. It's a betrayal of friendship, a betrayal of trust, and a betrayal of respect. If a passerby did it, I'd definitely have flared up immediately, and everything would be over, but it's a friend. At first, I thought since it was a friend, I could trust the person not to spread, but the more I think about it the more indignant I feel. If that person treated me as a friend, that person wouldn't have tricked me.

Because that person is a friend, that person know the agony I've been through because of all those that happened before. That person knew that I was once clinically depressed because of this damn stupid thing. That person knew that no matter what happened, I would never divulge any information or details about it.

I've always been very touchy about this stuff, one reason is because the other party made me promise not to say anything, the other is that I just don't like talking about it. I think I've my own privacy. If I want to tell anyone anything, I would say, if I don't want, let me be.

Damn... I have only myself to blame for being so stupid. sucks...

That's the first person who made me feel sour, then there's the other person. Granted, what this second person did was nowhere as horrible as the first person, but it's enough to make me feel worse. Oh man... The more I talk about the first person the more I want to burst. Damn... Must have a showdown one day. The second person now seems to saintly behind the first person.

Actually, things with the second person is partly my fault. I surprised myself by causing that rift with the second person. The second person once said something in passing to me. I didn't know why, but I got jealous. I think this wave of jealousy was buried in me and was awakened during the encounter with the second person again during the circumstance which made what that person did look worse.

I was trying to control my jealousy, so I wanted some form of assurance from the second person, but I didn't get it. I guess the more you want something, the more elusive it would be to you. I still wasn't able to get it. I used the carrot, and the stick and still nothing worked. The person managed to duck from the sticks and managed to collect the carrot. So now, I've lost the carrots and still not able to get what I want, and the wave of jealousy is rising. Really, I've no right to feel jealous actually, but I just can't stop myself. I really surprised myself with this level of intensity of jealousy. Really don't know how I'm going to face the second person when I get back to Singapore. It's that kind of want, don't want kind of feeling. I'm so afraid that I'll lose control of myself and end up hurting the both of us, yet again.

The chorus is playing in my head...

Tears of Pearls
by Savage Garden

And we stare each other down like victims in the grind
Probing all the weakness and hurt still left behind and we cry
The tears of pearls
We do it. Oh we do it.

Is love really the tragedy the way you might describe?
Or would a thousand lovers still leave you cold inside?
Make you cry...
These tears of pearls

All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearl devotions we keep locked away from all the world

Your kisses are like pearls, so different and so rare
But anger stole the jewels away and love has left you bare,
Made you cry...
These tears of pearls

Well I could be the tired joker pour my heart to get you in
Sacrifice my happiness just so I could win
Maybe cry...
These tears of pearls

All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearls devotions we keep locked away from all the world

We twist and turn where angles burn
Like fallen soilders we will learn
That once forgotten, twice removed
Love will be the death...
The death of you

All these mixed emotions we keep locked away like stolen pearls
Stolen pearls devotions we keep locked away from all the world

Damn... My CD is back at home. How I wish I had that song with me now. I think this is one reason why I love pearls so much, it reminds me of tears. hai... The song seems to be describing me... Not really a good thing, but hai...