Monday, March 28, 2005

Sad Songs

I've been listening to quite a number of sad songs lately, thanks to a friend who, well, likes these kind of songs. The thing about these songs are that they are in Cantonese, and that I am able to understand them and feel for them is weening my emotional threshold. Well, to my friend, all I can say that thank god you don't understand what you are listening to or I guess you'd have broken down into little bit pieces.

I like things nice, nicely put, nicely said, nicely done. Similarly, I go for songs that are nice, nice melody, nice lyrics, nice paintings, nice feelings, though I say nice feelings, I don't mean happy ones, instead I like nice sad feelings. Maybe it's just me that some other people will never be able to understand, sometimes, sad is nice, sometimes, sadness can make you grow. Sadness is also addictive. After feeling sad for long periods of time, you'd feel so pathetic that you want yourself to continue feeling sad, and you'd do all sorts of things, make the same mistakes just so that you can feel this kind of sadness.

I call this 犯贱.

I like this Chinese term, cos there is no similar term in English. For once, I'm so proud that my Chinese is good, and I'm able to understand Cantonese though I can't speak it well.

The songs started out with my friend asking me to translate a dialogue in the song. Then I started listening to the song, and it touched me. But as my friend spoke no Chinese, or Cantonese, I did not have the song title nor do I know who sang that song. At that time all I knew about that song was its contents and the English translation of the title. Love and Honesty.

Then I started asking around my friends who thankfully haven't lost much touch of the entertainment industry. And one my of friends identified the singer as Leo Ku, so I ran a boxup search on him and got the Chinese title of the song, which was really Love and Honesty translated in to Chinese. Then I ran a baidu search to get the lyrics. Reading it, feeling it, understanding it created more pain for me. Do I really want to feel such pain? Maybe...

The second song I'm listening to is Miriam Yueng's Big City, Small Matters. It sounds sadder than Love and Honesty. But really, as long as the melody is sad, the lyrics is sad, and the singer is good, anything can sound sad to Joan. Big City, Small Matters was written by Lin Xi, and I must say, he can really tug the strings inside my heart with his writings. Or maybe, said, I'm the one who is allowing people to tug the strings inside me.

I used to like listening to the radio. 6 years ago, when the pain was at its height. Listening to FM 93.3 could make my pain flow freely, especially when the night is clear, the winds are light, and I'm missing him. The 3 years later, I told myself that this sort of self-pitying and pathetism wasn't working well. I was reduced to an emotional wreck and missing out of all the colours in life. I stopped listening to the radio. Okay, it wasn't much of me, but more so cos of the change in focus of 93.3 which started to play more songs of new Taiwanese singers who couldn't sing and they weren't really that nice, so I gradually stopped listening to the radio.

Now, I still don't listen much to the radio. But my interest in the Canto-pop scene is increasing. Is it because I'm really craving to turn back into the emotional wreck I once was? Or am I looking for something in particular? I don't know...

I know I was to paint a colourful painting out of my life, if not I won't be indulging in so many activities and go all out for my German programmes, but in between all these successes, I do crave for something more intangible, something more irrational, something that I'm still looking out for.

I don't know where to start looking for it. A couple of times I thought I've finally found it, but those couple of times, I realised that I was withdrawing myself. I didn't really want myself to accept it for all that it was. I gave excuses, to myself, to my friends, to everybody but nobody in particular. I'm asking myself if I really want to find it. Part of me says no, definitely not, but another part of me is secretly craving for it. I can feel the vibes in me, giving me mixed signals of what to do when the time comes, but when the time is coming, I see myself blotching things up and the time does not come along.

Maybe, life is a cycle, I want what had happened to happen again, ableit on different circumstances. So is it his fault? It's convenient to blame everything on him. It's easy to start by saying that it was him who screwed up my life in those days, when I was young. Someone said, I'm still young, so I can afford to continue in thinking this way. but am I really that young as what people think? I don't think so. If for each pain you age a day, I can gladly announce that my age is probably in the mid-thirties. Really. If you want me to exaggerate, it'd be like 82 years, but I'm not gg to do so cos even though I've suffered much pain, it was also the happiness that kept me going at it. Okay, I won't say mid-thirties, maybe thirty, then I'd have aged a decade.

That day I had a mirage. I thought I saw him on the streets. I panicked. Then I realised that it was just me thinking too much. Well, a decade has gone by, and I've aged doubly over the past ten years, so I should be more matured in my thinking. I don't really suppose that I'm still thinking of him. Or am I?

Maybe I'm not really thinking of him. Maybe it's the feeling that I'm missing, not the person. The pathetism, the self-pitying, the self-destructing of myself. Ya... But it's not easy to do it now, due to my heavy commitments. Did I pick up these commitments sub-consciously so that I can stop all my wallowing in sadness? Maybe...

Wash your face, wake up, think of something else, let that guy disappear from your life forever.

I wish, but don't think it can ever happen. Life works in a different way.

Friday, March 25, 2005



I've been learning German for a couple of months already. I won't say I know a lot of words, but I do know quite a few words. Of all the vocabulary I'd learnt, this is my favourite word, ausschlafen.

The root word is schlafen which means sleep.

With the prefix aus, ausschlafen also means sleep. But there is a very distinct difference between these two sleeps. I didn't understand the difference until my lecturer described it. And I like the way she put it cos from the meaning of ausschlafen you cannot find a translation in English or Chinese using a single term.

Ausschlafen means to sleep and wake up (when my class heard that from our lecturer, we laughed) naturally, without the aid of alarms or calls. Schlafen merely means to sleep.

In English or Chinese, I there isn't any similar term. If you want to say that in English, that would be like how I explained, very clumsy. In Chinese, I guess you'd say 睡饱, but I don't think that's pure Chinese, and it sounds pretty crude too. Well, if you can find similar terms of ausschlafen in other languages, do share with me!

Why do I like that term?

Cos that's a luxury.
It's not everybody who can ausschlafen. No matter how much many one has, it's impossible to use money to buy ausschlafen.

Luckily for the past couple of days, I've tried to get back some rest, the rest I so needed due to the serious lack of sleep in the weeks before. The past few weeks have seen this girl having an average 3 hours of sleep a day, rushing deadlines for both term papers and cue sheets, but, finally, in the past two to three days, I managed to pay back my debts, albeit a little slowly.

Last night, I slept like a baby. I went to bed at around 1. But it's not the quantity of the sleep, but the quality. I slept peacefully, nothing like how've I been sleeping in the past few weeks. I woke up naturally too, first at 7 but I went back to sleep when I realised that it was 7. Then I woke up at 830, naturally. I even managed to laze in my bed for 15min before getting up. It must have been ages since I last lazed in my bed, usually I'd be sleeping, or having to wake up.

Sleeping is good. Sleeping without the need to set alarm is even better. I must say for safety purposes, I did set an alarm before sleeping, but I beat the alarm in waking up.

Maybe it was because I was really shagged that I manage to fall asleep at 1. 1 is very early to a nocturnal Joan, ya... And maybe it's because a big stone is dropped from my heart, so I've the peace to sleep well. Or maybe it's because most of my stressful stuff has been cleared. Or maybe it's because I'm so excited about going to Germany.

haha... Just feeling so good even though I'm tired now... hehe... Rather contradicting, but so well...

Wednesday, March 23, 2005


Saturday, October 18, 2003
I wrote this...

i dreamt of someone i havent met for a very long time ytd... this brought me back to an incidence a couple of years back...

i once did something very terrible, i accused a classmate for something he didnt do, and got him into deep trouble. when i found out about my mistake the next day, i apologised to him immediately, and admitted the mistake to the teacher. i thought that that was enough, but i was so wrong... my classmate never forgiven me... my teacher, well, she didnt reprimand me for wrongly accusing my classmate, and instead told him not to create any more trouble that would make people have the wrong idea about him... perhaps, if she had punished me, he would not hate me that much... and i would definitely not feel that bad...

ytd, i dreamt of him. i think that somewhere deep inside me craves for his forgiveness. but, really, what right do i have to seek his forgiveness? i was totally in the wrong... okay, to be fairer to myself, he sure did something that would lead me to think that he did that incidence, but for me to accuse him without evidence, i'd really ought to be shot...

still, to be forgiven will be like given a new lease of life... i dont think i'd ever be seeing him again, so i guess, this incidence would be one of my greatest regret...

hope you are now living a better life, and all the best in whatever you do, with me always sincerely praying for you, my classmate...

joan ang cut through the jungle at 11:16 AM

Why did I bring this up yet again? Because I met him today, approximately 2 hours ago.

I met him on board A2 bus, on my way back to PGP, he dropped off at Science Faculty. I saw him as he walked past me. I hadn't noticed him at first, just thought that he looked familar, but on second look, yup, that was him.

I didn't say hi, but as he caught me staring at him, he too took a second glance at me. I wanted to call out to him, but I didn't dare to cos, after all, that incident was my fault. I still feel guilty towards him. It's funny how an incident 5 years ago can still recur to haunt me like that. I know sometimes I give people the impression that I don't give a hoot about mistakes, but well, I do, I do feel guilt.

Then after two stares at me, he said out loud, "You're Joan right?"

"Ya. Why are you here?" was my reply. I didn't know what to say.

"I'm studying here."

"How is it so?" he was the same age as me, so shouldn't there be NS?

"I'm in Medicine."

"Whoa! Wah..."

Then he alighted from the bus. I was quite shocked about this newfound information. I knew he was smart, but this smart?! Maybe I'm looking down on him, but remember, he was from Victoria Junior College, Dunman High School, Tao Nan School, and if I'm not wrong, he did get more than a 270 for his PSLE, 6 points for his O Levels, and prob 4 As for his A Levels, but I'm not sure about that.

Once again, to Jasper Ngoh Junjie, Joan here would like to express her utmost apology. Never once had her guilt escaped her thoughts.

Joan just received some news about Jasper, some gossip. Lol~ Apparently, Jasper went to Raffles Junior College. Now thinking back, yup, I did hear that news, just didn't really remember it. Really, I've got better things to remember than some guy's education, right? And he got 3As, 1B, and an A1 for GP for his A levels. High flyer.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

A Very Long Engagement

A Very Long Engagement, 134min, French
Director: Jean-Pierre Jeunet

I watched it at GV Marina, the best place to catch such an art-house piece. The time was 2355, after a week of sleep depravation, it was quite surprising I still had the enegy to finish this movie without catching the sleep bug.

What I thought before watching the movie...

My friend wanted to watch a movie, but there isn't anything halfway decent in cinemas lately. You won't see me stepping a foot in a theatre marked Son of the Mask, or anything just as lame. A Very Long Engagement is French, and an art-house piece, so naturally, it is held in higher regard than any Hollywood pathetics. After reading the film's intro, I got the idea that it was a romance film, I thought that it was the kind of teary, I love you but you are going to the war kind of sad sad movie. And because the title of the film is A Very Long Engagement, instead of like A Terminated Engagement, I thought that would have a crying happy ending.

Well, the feeling I got after watching the show is totally different.

A Very Long Engagement is a World War I film. With a romantic story weaved in between. It is also a mystery film and a humorous one. It's a story of survival, hope, love and life. My kind of 5-star movie, and the best movie I've watched so far this year, but then again, maybe that's because the movies I've watched so far are those well, more of entertaining kinda movies.

I was totally blown over in the beginning when the movie opened in a war trench and the trudging of the soldiers, from that moment onwards, I knoew that this was so going to be a great movie. Even though this was a French movie, and the enemy was the Germans. I thought I knew all about WWI having studied it repeatedly every year and am still studying different ascpects of it now, but I didn't know anything about self-multilation as a war crime, until I watched the movie. Apparantly, many soldiers were so sick of war that they actually attempt to make use of a clause to injure themselves so that they can be discharged from the battlefield. With so many soldiers doing it, it was made into a crime to do it, and the soldiers who self-multilated were given death sentences, some of these death sentences were either throwing them into the no man's land, or deploying them to the front line, so they would get killed by the enemy.

War changes people.
When you finally meet death right in your face, your perception of life will totally change, your priorities will change too. That was what I always believe. Although I'm a patriotic freak, I understand that some people cannot react to death and the only thing they want to do is to escape from it. It's understandable that those soldiers wanted to seek out with self-multilation.

Before the movie, I thought that she was just a French girl, passionate about love and loves her man dearly, well, after watching, she wasn't just any French girl, she was a polio girl, so determined with her passion. Her single-minded focis on hope just makes me feel so miniatured. Yeah, sometimes all you need is hope. This was in the context of the night before, when yet again I bought another piece of hope, but for me, my hope was burst so unmercifully. Should I continue to raise more hopes? I really don't know. I don't have the resolute of Mathilde.

It was the mystery twist in the film that made this a truly enjoyable film to watch. It injected humour and opmh into the whole show. It traces the pieces of evidence Mathilde collected from her investigations of the troop of her fiance, and the 5 men who were convicted for self-multilation. A number of times, she was thrown off course, but with several twist and turns she got back on trail, and with strokes of luck, intellect and determination, she finally uncovered the truth behind the mystery.

Another thing I like about this movie is the depiction of the encounters of the other soldiers who along with Manech, Mathilde's fiance, and their life backgrounds. Their life backgrounds provided some comic relief and humour in a stoic war film, while their encounters made it more stoic that this was indeed a war film.

After reading Elie Wiesel's Night last semester, I always thought war made people selfish, and brings out the most primate ature of man, well, it wasn't that true after this movie. Yes, some people were selfish, like the husband who wanted his wife to make love with his best friend just so that she could have another kid so that he'd be a father of 6 and not need to serve the war, but there are also instances of brotherhood. Through helping others you keep yourself from losing your sanity.

But I think Mathilde is lucky. Although she's an orphan, her uncle and aunt treat her very well and was very supportive of her in her quest. I don't think at that point in time many people can be so supportive when it seemed almost certain that Manech was dead. Another thing is that although she wasn't rich, she was reasonable well off, in that she was able to pay for her expenses when she when on the search trail, or her hiring of a private investigator to help her. She was also able to pull strings to get into the national archives and look and war records. But what surprised me was that her uncle owned an automobile, well, that makes things very easy, isn't it? She's lucky...

*disclaimer: spoilers ahead*

Well, Manech is also one lucky guy. Even though it was the kind of crying happy ending where the male returns from the dead to give a big hug to the female, she's very lucky to have him back alive. Just give him more time and everything can be well again.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005



I've taken into writing quite a bit of analogies recently, as you may have noticed in my previous entries, be it in English or in Chinese. For those people who see stars in my blog, please change the encoding under view/encoding to unicode. Don't ask why this angmo jiak kentang why she suddenly have this cheena wave, maybe have been too affected by recent happenings. And to those people who doubt my language capabilites, shame on you! lol...

Wanna share a couple of other analogies I put up on other places...

On women,

women are like flowers, with adequate love, care and concern, they will bloom and blossom. but if casted one side, they will wither up and rot and die...

they can't survive only as a bulb, but also need to stalk to hold them tall, the green leaves to enhance the brightness of their hues, and in some cases, the thorns to prevent them from being hurt...

when the time is not right, they wont open. even if you forcefully pull open the petals, they will not last long. if you attempt to remove the thorns by force, you might get pricked, if you attempt to remove the leaves, you will find that sometimes the leaves are so stucked onto the stalk, and if you attempt to detach the stalk from the bulb, that's the end of the flower.

some flowers are brightly coloured and attract lots of attention, some are plain yet its beauty lasts long, some are sweet smelling and attracts lots of little insects along, some elegant and classic that everybody just loves.

But Joan is not a flower, not a bulb, not anything sweet and nice-smelling. She's a vine, a creeper, looking for a tree, to climb onto the tree in search of sunshine and fresh air. Without it, she won't have a chance for survival.

Crawling on the dense undergrowth of the rainforest, when the vine spots a strong sturdy tree trunk that she tought might be ale to support her, she would all her last strength to push herself forward and twine herself round the tree trunk, slowly creeping up the tree to the warm sunshine and fresh air. She's not asking much, except for the tree to always be by her side giving her support. She doesn't need to tree to provide her with any nutrients or water or anything save for support. She's not a fungus, nor is she mould, she won't feed on the tree, she just wants the tree to help her when she needs the help.

Of course, she won't ask for help for nothing. She willing to give the tree company and sometimes attracting bees and butterflies over to help polleniate the tree. She's also willing to feed of the fungus and mould growing on the tree to make the tree grow stronger. All these just fot the tree's support.

But she doesn't know why, the tree got sick of her hugs and on this dark stormy night when the winds blew strong, he cut a deal with the wind to blow away the creeper. From then on, never did he ever wanted to see the creeper anymore. And the poor creeper, not knowing that she was discarded, betrayed by the dear tree, lay alone in the dense undergrowth of the rainforest crying her heart out.

Should the vine search back for the tree she once so heavily relied upon, or should she look for a new tree to provide her with the support she badly needs?

Joan is also a jellyfish.

A jellyfish with no backbones, or any kind of bones at all. Not having any own decisions, being tossed and thrown about in the deep blue ocean by the currents and the waves. She can't swim or can't do anything of her own accord as she doesn't even know herself what she wants to do or where she wants to go.

Sometimes, there would be a passerby of a big fish or a sea mammal. The jellyfish would clutch onto that sea creature and hitch a ride to somewhere. Somewhere where she doesn't know where. Only after arriving at her destination will she regret her actions. Yes, it was fun hitching a ride, but now, she's lost. The sea creature has left her to go off on his own. The jellyfish looks around the foreign ocean bed, not knowing what to do, except to wait for another sea creature to come by and bail her out. But would she really be bailed out?

it doesn't seem so. The vicious cycle sets in. The other sea creature would pick up the jellyfish and sends it to another place, another foreign ocean bed, leaving her lost and forlorn.

Deep in her heart, the jellyfish wishes that she could be like the other sea creatures, have a backbone and a brain of their own. But what can she do when she's borned so? Nothing can change what she really is. Even if she attempts to fake it, it would only be a farce.

How do you find these analogies? I love them.
If our emotional selves could bleed I'd be covered entirely in blood.

To people who don't know me, everything I typed here, there or anywhere stems from me, myself and Joan, and 萍. If I do happen do get my materials from another place, I'd definitely do the quotings. I'm a responsible little girl unlike those pirates out there. Do not doubt me, do not even give me the benefit of doubt, just accept my writings for me.

A little side note, someone asked me why don't I name names on my blog. Well, I don't for the same reason I don't have a friendster account despite my sister blackmailing me. Friends, you do know I love you can already. And when you think that I might be writing about you on my blog, just treat it as I'm writing about you. To those friends I'd named on my blog sometime or another, you guys are the special ones! lol...

Sunday, March 13, 2005




就与其他的嫔妃一样,本宫一心只对待一个皇上,即使看到其他人也不能起任何奢求或欲望, 因为本宫只是一个小嫔妃。嫔妃的一生只能奉献给那一个皇上。




At My Nadir

Just when I thought I was at my nadir...

You know, sometimes when you wake up, you just know that evrything's going to be wrong. Well, this beats it. I went to bed knowing that everything was going to be wrong.

I went to bed in tears after a good talk with my friend. Suddenly, after that I felt so transparent, so vulnerable, so opened up. I wonder if the image of me my friend had had changed after this conversation? I hope the answer would be no, as I don't even know what's the real me yet. I'm still on my way to discovering myself and I really hope that I can get all the support possible from all my friends.

To that above friend mentioned, I'd like to say that I've now taken precautions and will steer away from that decadent lifestyle I was living. I want to be a better, happier, more confident person. I know I can do it. But I just hope that you can continue giving me your support no matter what happens, I'd really appreciate that, but pls, don't call me to appreciate you. I'll use my own way of expressing apppreciation to appreciate you. Thank you.

So what went wrong?

I forgot to set my alarm that night and well, woke up late the next day, setting off a chain of unfortunate events. First, I woke up at 8plus and realised that I missed my field trip. That killed me immediately. For the first time in my university life I was late for something not on purpose. I freaked out not knowing what to do or what was in stall for me. Hey... me is a guai guai baby, not those everytime pon lesson girl one hor... So it's only natural that I freaked out. I might be overreacting a bit, as what my father said, but maybe it was because I didn't know how to react to this situation.

Just when I thought my life was crumbling down, I didn't expect the person who bailed me out of the mess I created was my dear dear father. When I was freaking out I didn't know who I should turn to. Friends were not immediate. Nor were they able to help much. And I would probably freak them out with my freakingness. I turned to my "Dii". Instead of scolding me for being useless, he comforted me and well, plucked me up from the horrors of my school and took me away from that sad place. He came to pick me up from my hostel room and brought me along to Suntec City to pick up some stuff, then we went home so that I can nurse my broken life.

I'd like to take this opportunity to apologise to my friends for being MIA that day. Really, who needs friends when they can have family? hahaha... Okay, this is pretty extreme, but I guess, after this incident, I realised the importance of family.

Even when I'm old and working and maybe have moved out to live on my own, I'd still meet with many setbacks. Who can I fall back onto when my life turns dark? My friends would be busy with their own stuff, who can portion that bit of time to this senseless overreacting Joan? My family. They can. Within their means, they will go all the way to comfort this poor Joan and provide her with all the warmth she needs. Again, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my "Mii" and my "Dii". Thank you.

Well, I'm not saying that friends are useless, cos yes, other than my family, my friends are also providing me with the support I needed. Yup, to that friend who plucked me out from my dump and brought me to watch movies, thank you. I'm feeling so much more refreshed now.

Next up, bring me the essays to do! hahaha... Dont think it's possible though... Wanna go on a major shopping expedition today. I need to shop away all my unhappiness and stress, retail therapy would be excellent. Pile on the worries as they come on later in life! I can rise up and overcome all of them! I'll not sink back into my decadent lifestyle again...

Saturday, March 12, 2005






Thursday, March 10, 2005


Questions and Answers
Truths and Lies

A friend's MSN nick... "Lies are the truths that hurt the most. You just don't wanna believe it."

My thoughts about that?
My up there says, "Don't ask questions which answers you don't want to hear."
"There can be only two types of answers, truths and lies."
"Truths pain, lies hurt. Both wounds me deeply, which would I rather hear?"

So, my heart told me never ask more than I need to know. But what do I need to know? I should need to know nothing, but the sensitive, emotional, and insecure me wants to know everything.

I'm afraid of asking questions because I don't know how to deal with answers. I don't know if I'd rather hear lies or truths when both stab my heart and wound me deeply. So, the easiest and supposedly most painless thing to do is to do nothing at all. Don't ask any questions, even if I hear anything, treat it as I heard nothing, nothing had happened at all, life will go on as usual. Being that cute, innocent, ignorant, and more ignorant girl might sometimes be lots better. Pains me less.

I made a policy not to ask too much, but once, just that once, I blurted out a rhetorical question. I really hadn't expected an answer, I didn't want an answer, but I was answered. With an answer I didn't want to hear. I don't know if it's the truth or a lie. It sounds rather condescending, so I really wished that that was a lie, a mere joke, but even as a joke it's too big a joke to make to me. If it's the truth, then I really feel damn degraded. I regretted asking that question.

After tha incident, I told myself to be more careful with my words. But sometimes, in a tussle between the heart and mind, there would definitely be a loser, this time, my mind lost out, I went with my heart and posed a question that was buried deep in my heart for quite some time. What I didn't realise is that one question would lead to another, and another, and more anothers, until I can't control. With each question came an answer, with each answer came a blade stabbed deep into my heart.

As the blade stabbed deep into my heart, traces of blood slowly seeped out. As time passes, the blood flows out more profusely. Soon the time would come when all the blood has dried up, what's left is but a shell, a container, all drained up.

I'm but a girl.

What do I mean when I say that?
I've been misusing this phrase a lot recently. I'm not even using it to it's appropriate meaning. I'm using it out of context.
All I know is that it says 矜持.

What do I mean by that?
I'm not the kind who would spell out clearly what I want, or what I'm thinking because I'm afraid of saying too many things. Spelling out exactly how and what i'm feeling makes me feel very vulnerable, maybe it's because I'm a pisces. I think too much into other people's actions and words.

I don't usually mean my words. No, I shouldn't put it that way, there are always underlying meanings in my words.


Now that I always weigh my words before speaking, I'd put my words together such that it does not only mean the obvious, there's still some deeper meaning in it. Of course, I'm not the kind of person who means yes when I say no, or mean no when I say yes.

An example, I always say I want to find my 1.82.
1.82 is not just a height, it's something more abstract than that.
I'm not meaning that I want to find a boyfriend, even though sometimes I harp on that more than I consciously know. What I'm meaning is that I want a shoulder to lean onto when I need it. And a shoulder isn't just a shoulder, it's an emotional support. 1.82 symbolises a support for me to lean onto. It doesn't mean that my boyfriend had to be exactly 1.82 as some people have horribly misunderstood me.

I'm so totally fucked up. Screwed.

Why can't I just speak freely? Why can't I just speak my mind? Why can't I do what I want to do? Why can I make the first move? Why can't I? Why can't I? I don't know...

I've my reservations, my insecurities, my fears.
I need of a shoulder to provide me with support, I need maybe a little more that physical support. I think I might also need some verbal support. When I make my fears known, what I'm looking for is some verbal support. damn... Making things so clear makes me feel so darn transparent.

I was thinking... Should I have backspaced the above sentence? Since I didn't want to feel transparent... Then again, I don't know... After thinking and pondering, I decided to keep the above sentence. Why? I don't know...

I can't seem to be able to make up my mind sometimes, that's embodied in my "I don't know". What I want out of that simple phrase? Affirmation. Somebody to decide for me.

Think I'm getting to cheem for myself even. Complexities of myself... Think I'm getting a bit too moody. I know nobody likes a moody girl, but I can't help but feeling so cos there's so many things going on. Maybe I should cut down on the stuff which are on hand now.

I'm like a juggler, trying to keep a million balls up in the air at the same time. At any point in time, each of my hands can hold only a ball, the other nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety eight balls are all in the air. Not only I must keep the balls in the air, I must also take special care from preventing the balls from dropping onto the ground, cos once the ball has dropped it's impossible to pick that ball up and continue with the other balls, the dropped ball will have to be forgotten and discarded. I also have to make special considerations and not let any two balls or more hit each other. If the ball hits with another one, there would be an unequal balance and the balls would fall off my momentum and they'll all drop onto the ground. This really isn't easy. That's why maybe it's better if I let go of some balls. Having lesser balls in my control might do me better. I can spend more time with the remaining ones and keep them in full control, then maybe I won't feel that moody again.

I need to prioritise. But I don't know how to. I have no idea which should be given higher priority which shouldn't.

Seems like I went off tangent already. I'd wanted to talk about truths and lies and now I'm sharing about my insecurities. I think that's like the only similarity between truths and lies, they bring out the worse of a person. The are both extremely capable of inflicting pain.

What should I do to not suffer anymore?
Why don't you tell me the answer?

Saturday, March 05, 2005



I was doing some reading just now, and a sudden wave of inspiration hit me, I flipped back some past messages posted on my Velut yahoo group, and here I am thinking about what is love. Or rather what am I looking for.

As I come to congruent with myself, I think I'm the kind of person who prefers the idea of falling in love more than being in love. Just like someone once said, the idea of having sex is sexier than the act of sex itself.

On 10 July 2004 10.52pm, Joan wrote this:

01. Hair colour: I like blondes. but natural blondes, the aryans,but then Asian hair is fine with me too...
02. Eye colour: Of course, Aryan blue eyes wld like totally matchhis blond hair, but Asian eyes are fine with me too
03. Skin tone: If he's Aryan, then shouldn't his skin be white,but Asian yellows are okay with me too...
04. Long or short hair: def long! but not as in F4 long, butwell, it's always nice to have some locks?
05. Piercings: It's okay on the ears, but other places, well, I'd say better not
06. Scars: someone once said that, I think he's either a Life! or 8days columnist, behind every scar is a story
07. Big butt or little: how abt nice and perky?
08. Straight: Umm... how can a gay fall in love with me?
09. Outgoing or shy: a bit of both
10. Sarcastic or sincere: a lot of both
11. Should s/he have a best friend?: definitely
12. Should s/he love his mom?: def
13. Should s/he watch guy movies?: It's fine with me
14. Be sweet: not diabetic-inducing though
15. Be smart: smart, but not an insufferable know-it-all
16. Be funny: on certain occasions
17. Smoker?: not v impt, but pref not
18. Drink: only occasionally, not any more
19. Play with your hair: definitely!
20. Kiss on the first date?: It's fine... but only sth light
21. Bring you gift?: that's always a plus but without it it wont be a minus though
22. Lay under the stars with you: at east coast park...
23. Write poetry about you: no pref
24. Call you honey, sweetie or baby: It's fine with me, anything...
25. Hang out with you and your friends: actualy, I personally would have no objections abt it, but i'd say I prefer not so.
26. Hold your hand: A narrator in a certain hong kong movie saidthat if a guy and girl have different holding hand habits, eg thegirl and the guy both insisting that their hand must be on top ofthe other person's, or one prefering grabbing the entire hand with 4fingers closed but the other prefering the grasp the fingers individuallly, then the relationship would not blossom. Perhaps if my partner and I have this prob, then it would be better if we not hold hands. There's still waist, hips, shoulder, etc...
27. Sing to you: if he has a good voice
28. You would like his/her interest to be: no pref
29. Play guitar or piano: it's okay if he doesn't but it would add brownie points if he did
30. Wear specs: no pref
31. Location: no pref if we can mend the dist, but it would always be nice if he lived near me
32. Like to control you: I'm okay with that... the little girl inme needs to be protected...
33. Stick to you everyday: def no!
34. Rebond or curly hair: normal, untainted hair?
35. One last condition: love me unconditionally.

Today, she'll write this:

01. Hair colour: no preference
02. Eye colour: no preference
03. Skin tone: no blacks
04. Long or short hair: doesn't really matter, but having some locks to play with sounds quite fun
05. Piercings: ears are okay with me, other places, think preferably not
06. Scars: still maintaining my story: someone once said that, I think he's either a Life! or 8days columnist, behind every scar is a story
07. Big butt or little: not too big, not too little
08. Straight: definitely
09. Outgoing or shy: a bit of both
10. Sarcastic or sincere: sarcastic but not really meaning his words, definitely sincerity can take me far
11. Should s/he have a best friend?: why not?
12. Should s/he love his mom?: definitely
13. Should s/he watch guy movies?: why not?
14. Be sweet: sweet, but not too sweet
15. Be smart: smart, but won't make me feel dumb
16. Be funny: okay
17. Smoker?: I do mind a little, but just a little
18. Drink: I don't really mind, but definitely not an alcoholic
19. Play with your hair: definitely! It's a big turn on, when i'm not having a bad hair day. If I'm having a bad hair day, do NOT attempt to touch my hair, anybody.
20. Kiss on the first date?: something light
21. Bring you gift?: that's always a plus but without it it wont be a minus
22. Lay under the stars with you: at east coast park...
23. Write poetry about you: I think don't need la... That's a tad too mushy...
24. Call you honey, sweetie or baby: yes, please.
25. Hang out with you and your friends: I'm not very comfortable about that.
26. Hold your hand: still maintianing my story: A narrator in a certain hong kong movie said that if a guy and girl have different holding hand habits, eg the girl and the guy both insisting that their hand must be on top ofthe other person's, or one prefering grabbing the entire hand with 4 fingers closed but the other prefering the grasp the fingers individually, then the relationship would not blossom. Perhaps if my partner and I have this prob, then it would be better if we not hold hands. There's still waist, hips, shoulder, etc... But please, do touch me.
27. Sing to you: I think not very necessary
28. You would like his/her interest to be: no preference
29. Play guitar or piano: no preference
30. Wear specs: Making out in specs? No way... But on other occasions, it's fine.
31. Location: It doesn't really matter if we can bridge our distances, but still it's nice, nice, to have a guy living near you
32. Like to control you: I'm okay with that... This little girl needs to be protected...
33. Stick to you everyday: You dare to try that, I'll be through with you!
34. Rebond or curly hair: no preference
35. One last condition: Love me unconditionally.

I guess this says how much have I grown over the past couple of months.

Do I really want to fall in love?
Do I really need a man like the above descriptions?

I don't think so.
If love is here, there's nothing I can do to stop it, can I? But if it isn't here, really, why should I do so many things to achieve nothing at all. I might want to fall in love with all the beautiful imagery of love, but do I really need that love? No, it's just me wanting that beautiful imagery, and not wanting love at all. I might go on moping how much I want a boyfriend now, but do I really need one? No, I've too many other considerations and reservations now.

So, why am I saying all these?
I don't know. So don't too much into my writings. Just read something from the past and felt like doing some commenting. It's like me going through my past posts and writing reviews like the last time I did that when I was bored. It's like walking into a time capsule, you don't really know what the time is now, you've lost all track of time. I like that kind of nostalgic feelings.

And one more last thing I want to clear before I end this post on love...
A couple of days ago, I changed my MSN nick to "I wanna meet my man" and kept it so until yesterday when I changed it to "I am going to meet my man". My display pic was of Bismarck, note. My man is not anybody in particular, and he's not figuratively my supposed Prince Charming, so relax people. "He" meant Germany. Yes, if you don't get it by now, I'm going to Germany. My dream...

When people has dreams as lofty as mine, with dreams of success in school and career, it's hard to find a man to match up, so I don't think I'd be searching for my love in the near future. But if by heavens and earth, that he drops down right in front of me at this moment, hah! Who cares about dreams then?! I'd rather get married and have my James and Jadies immediately...

Thursday, March 03, 2005

you can chat with me

Let's see, I wanted to talk about what's on tv recently, but well, I'm putting that for later. Wanna talk about something else first, so I guess this would be a long blog entry.

I think I've got a face that says "you can chat with me"~

What do I mean by that?
People like to talk to me, not really people, but more like strangers. And when I say so, it doesn't mean that I get picked up often at pubs cos the strangers who talk to me are people interested with me, but people who just happen to feel like talking. umm... That sounds weird too. So how should I put it?

Incident 1: Monday at the museum
I was taking down notes on a piece of paper in preparation for my museum report when this guy walking past stopped me and chatted with me by asking if I was taking that module that required us to do that report. Nothing funny, just a small chat, just that under that sort of circumstance it does seem rather weird.

Incident 2: Tuesday at a corridor
I was looking for a bench when I spotted this lone person occupying a bench so I stepped up to ask if I could share it with him. Nothing special. Then I noticed the reading he was reading was from one of my modules, so I asked if he was doing that module too. He said yes. Nothing special. I went on doing my stuff. Then his friend came over to chat with him, and I don't know what happened, they drew me into their conversation. Now this is weird. I don't even know how it started.

Okay, there are also some other, but not with strangers, but in a span of two days I had conversations, mundane conversations, those kind have you eaten kind, with two lecturers. And quite a number with my tutorial mates whom I also never spoke to before. This is getting freaky. Is it me that is like itching to talk to people or what's going on?

Let's now talk about my prerennial favourite topic~ TV!

There are three things on tv recently that caught my eye~

You Are the One (channel8, 9pm weekdays)
I'm madly in love with Christopher Lee. He's so cute! I think all the characters in this show are cute, with the exception of Meili. The other characters are all very good looking, and have interesting personalities that make their characters very endearing, this also makes the show very watchable as we watch the progress of the characters. But other than watching Christopher Lee and the characters, it is sad for me to say that this show has a leaky plot with an undertermined storyline. The only thing that holds the show together is its characters. Still it's the only thing watchable on ch8 lately... ch8 sucks...

Mercerdes-Benz Advert
What makes a perfect advertisement? A good advertisement is one that is effective in getting consumers to buy their products, or one that leaves a significant implant in our minds, or one that is just aesthetically nice, but a perfect advertisement is one that encompasses all these and more. And I think this recent line of Mercerdes advert is just perfect.

You guys would know by now that my fav brand for cars is BMW, but like that German snoot in her, she does like all cars German, Mercerdes are okay too. But after watching this advertisement, I have an urge to get a Mercerdes, okay, I know it's impossible to get one, so at least, I'll be more appreciative of my dad's car. I'll not call my dad's car Old Man, instead I'll call it Trusted Man. Beemers are for the high-flyers, the do-its and get-its, those who zips around the blitzy areas with neon lights and bright spots, but Mercerdes are a legacy, a legacy to pass on, like what the advertisement describes. It's so dignified.

If I've the cash to spare, I'll not only get a Beemer to zip around the town, but also a Mercs to pass on the legacy. Or maybe I should start cajoling my dad to pass on his Old Man to me, huh? hehe... oops... I'm supposed to be calling it Trusted Man. yup...

Amazing Race is back!

I'm rooting for Rob and Amber this season cos I was a Survivor fan~
I think Amber is pretty, and she's got that million dollars, and a guy beside her.
I think Rob deserves a million dollars after all the nasty things he did.
Do they deserve another million dollars?
I think they do deserve it, then Rob caould really mean it when he says that they have won the million dollars, cos remember, he didn't win the million dollars in the amazing race, Amber won it, and she truly deserved every cent out of that hundred million.

The other groups...
Don't really have much impression out of the other groups, just that Lynn and Alex are freaky, and the blonde pair are cute, but i'm not rooting for them to win, as win the childhood girlfriends. The mother and son team is weirder than the father daughter team last season. yup... And it seems like this season there is a significant drop in the number of couple teams. Wonder why~