Friday, May 28, 2004

A Roller Coaster of Emotions

Roller coaster of emotions.

An excerpt from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix:

** "Dont you understand how Cho's feeling at the moment?" [Hermione] asked.

"No," said Harry and Ron together.

Hermione sighed and laid down her quill.

"Well, obviously, she's feeling very sad, because of Cedric dying. Then I expect she's feeling confused because she liked Cedric and now she likes Harry, and she cant work out who she likes best. Then she will be feeling guilty, thinking its an insult to Cedric's memory to be kissing Harry at all, and she will be worrying about what everyone else might say about her if she starts going out with Harry. And she probably cant work out what her feelings towards Harry are, anyway, because he was the one who was with Cedric when Cedric died, so thats all very mixed up and painful. Oh, and she's afraid she's going to be thrown off the Ravenclaw Quidditch team because she's been flying so badly."

A slightly stunned silence greeted the end of this speech, then Ron said, "One person cant feel all that at once, theyd explode."

"Just because youve got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesnt mean we all have," said Hermione nastily, picking up her quill again. **

Sometimes, I really wish I have the emotional range of a teaspoon. Being able to feel about so many things at once; having to think about so many different or even related things all at the same time; feeling so bad about myself, all put a strain on my emotional balance.

If people who think of so many things at once would explode, I would have exploded before the period in the first line. But wouldnt exploding be better? There neednt be that much after Ive exploded... I dont know...

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

I Went Yesterday...

I went yesterday...

After much consideration, I decided to go. But with hindsight, Id rather not have gone. It was a compete fiasco. Like, what duh?!

Staying at home is still the best. Just me and my computer and/or my darling jotter book with all the wonderful characters of my story... I was supposed to be doing my story ytd when I was all hyped up and totally in the mood, overflowing with creative juices, but, well, its all gone today. My pathetic muse is lazier than me...

Haiz... Today will just be another day... Procrastination seems to be setting in liao, wonder if I will actually be working on my story anot later.

I guess I will stick to my moods the next time. Ya, really, why bother let sudden changes change your plan? Just stick to the original plan and I know I will certainly be comfortable with it!

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Sucky Day...

Umm... Rather disappointed with the effect of this new blogskin. The dimensions are weird, and I cant seem to be able to fix it. The html writing for this template is not as clear as the previous skins I worked with before. Haiz...

Ive seen this pix before, and also other works by this artist. Found them to be quite interesting. But it does seem weird on my blog... It makes me seem as if none of my friends are true friends. Maybe I will keep it for some time, until I find a blog that expresses my feelings.

Okay, I just received a call from Zihui and I am like totally pissed!

We girls were like supposed to go West Coast for a day of fun outing tmr, but I just heard that its pushed forward to today (?!) later at 3 (!!). Like, what is the time now?? I hate being totally unprepared! Now, Ive got nothing to wear; Ive not taken my bath; my pathetic handphone is not charged; Im in a totally foul mood! Man, man, man... Damn it, man! Seriously considering if I should go anot, and Ive less than an hour to think abt it, what shit is this!

I think Ive got pms. Probably getting my period soon. Oh man, if its coming later, I really wont want to leave my nice comfy room with all its security.

Time is ticking.


Dont go.

What fuck lah!

Next time, friends, dont put me in such a spot. Dont make last min plans; dont make last min changes to plans; dont plan on gng to somewhere without air-conditioning; dont piss the hell out of me; dont only think abt yourselves!

Thursday, May 13, 2004

piss piss piss

**Needed: Someone to accompany this little girl to Faye Wong’s Concert
Price: Negotiable
Please, someone, reply to this notice and contact me...
Im getting desperate...**

Sometimes, people think little of what they say, they dont realise that something, little to them it may seem, but actually pisses the other party off. This would be like putting a frog into a pail of water and very gradually increasing the temperature. The frog in the water cant react to the subtle increase in the temperature of the water until it is too late, the poor frog would already have been cooked. Likewise, the pissed-off party would not immediately show his unhappiness but would slowly and subtly launch his revenge plan condemning the oblivious “frog” into eternal damnation.

This would be in stark contrast with outright pissing people off. When you knowingly and openly piss people off, it would be like immediately placing a frog into a pail of boiling water. In this circumstance, the frog would instinctively jump out of the water before much damage can be done. Similarly, the pissed-off person in this context would launch an open rebuttal against the “frog” thereby allowing the “frog” to work out a defensive plan.

So, what exactly is the point of my frog theory?

Well, I would like to warn people to watch their speech and not to unknowingly piss me off. Im the kind of person who gets pissed of easily even though I sometimes wont show it, and I harbour grudges.

What would piss me off?

Comments on my weight.

Okay, not all comments would piss me off, so the exact answer of the above question would be, ignorant comments on my weight in an ignorant tone.
Those people who are pissing me off with their ignorant comments on my weight are basically friends I’ve made from March 2002 to May 2003, so that would be all those people in TJ.

Examples of piss-worthy remarks:
“Oh, Joan! Are you still eating?!” I mean, we go out for lunch, for dinner together, and you see me eating as much, if not more than you and you still got the cheek to ask if Im eating?!
“Joan, I think its time to stop your diet. You lost enough weight.” My crash diet lasted only the whole of May 2003, one year ago, and after that I continued by eating regular portions of food (note: regular as in what you and everyone else is eating!). Besides, Im not the kind of people who can stare into a delicious serving of whatever and say I cant eat it as Im on a diet, NEVER.
“Joan, can you stop losing weight?” Some things are beyond my control. Im eating well and happily, never munching on carrots, or lettuce or tomatoes ever in my life, esp if they are raw. Double the yucks!
“I must take Joan as an example and lose some weight!” Really, are you so thick to believe that losing weight is in everyone’s blood? Its not something any Tom, Dick or Harry can do.

History of Joan’s Weight

Ever since I was young, I was tall and skinny. It is naturally so, hence it will also be so. I was 40kg throughout my first two years in secondary school, then I started eating at an exponential rate. Fast food would be ordered as a meal up-sized, buffets would see me downing what could feed a family of four in Ethiopia for at least half a month, snacks about the portion of one big bag of Lay’s became almost an everyday affair, the list goes on. It was no wonder that I ballooned and graduated from Sec 4 with a weight of 55kg.

The situation worsened during the period March 2002 to May 2003 when I did nothing in TJ other than eating in the canteen or scope and sleeping in the library or scope, I think I did try to fit in some lessons between eating and sleeping but that was negligible. Hence, I reached my peak in May 2003 with an impressive weight of 63kg.

I am a naturally thin person, so it was not difficult for me to lose the excessive weight Id built up over the horrific 3 ½ years and I did so only by cutting back on my humongous diet, so if you are the kind of people who are already fat in the first place, I suggest that you dont try to emulate me. Its no use.

Another thing about me is that Im small boned. Even though I may look thin, and I may be weighing very little, Im still covered with fats around my tummy area and upper thighs and even on my upper arms. Note: fats are less dense than muscles and bones. So, it is of no wonder that I weigh lighter than what people think.

And my stretch marks... My stretch marks didnt appear after I lost weight as most people think. They appeared during my 3 ½ years of exponential weight gain and merely deepened after my weight loss.

Now I weight 47kg. It may be a little on the light side, but Im still 7kg heavier than I was supposed to be, so please, all those people who never saw me in my 40kg stature, stop your ignorant comments and accept the fact that the world is loads bigger than you think!

Monday, May 10, 2004

All Hope's Gone

**I still need someone to go with me to watch Faye Wong’s concert.
Anyone interested? Dont hesitate, just call me up!
Price negotiable, just treat it as accompanying me... Please? **

10 min ago, I dropped my bottle of anti-stretch mark essence and onto the floor it went in pieces. The essence splattered all onto the bathroom floor; the glass bottle shattered into tiny bits.

When the bottle broke, I felt that whatever hopes that I had harboured in it came crashing down with it.
Is Something Up There giving me a hint not to place my hopes in it?
Is that same Something also telling me not to continue to buy anymore hopes?

Should I buy another bottle and continue my therapy to at least see if that thing works?
Or should I take a hint from that Something and just put the whole issue behind me?
Should I also forget about buying my other hopes?

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Buying a Piece of Hope

**I still need someone to go with me to watch Faye Wong’s concert.
Anyone interested? Dont hesitate, just call me up!
Price negotiable, just treat it as accompanying me... Please? **

These few days, my life seems to be rotating round a singular concept, buying a hope. What I have been doing lately have been pretty much trying to get out as high a percentage of hope as possible. What is hope? How do you actually buy hope?

I dont really know the answer of the above two questions myself, but an example would be the bottle of anti-stretch mark essence I just bought. It is a widely know fact that these sort of commercial products, like bust-increasing cream, slimming gel, blah, are not known to be that miraculous, but I still bought a bottle to try out. The $19.60 I paid for is what I can call buying a hope.

Sometimes, I dont use money physically to buy a hope, but my actions and the real value of my sacrifices make it that I am almost as if I were buying a hope. Using opportunity cost to buy my hope.

Why do I need such hopes? I dont know that either...

I just know that my ultimate hope is to find a someone who can provide me with all the hopes that I need to go through life... ...

Or that my hopes can slowly one by one materialise into reality... ...