Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Nach Deutschland

This shall be a short short post. I'll be heading off to Germany pretty soon. I'm not ready yet. I've butterflies in my stomach. I'm bleeding. hmm... Still got what else? Let me think... My dad got me a webcam and mic, a 512mb memory card for my camera, another one for my handphone, those techies making my head ache.

I'm getting paranoid that I'm forgetting something. I'm forgetting most of my German already anyway. I'm afraid my host family won't like me, or me not liking them. I'm afraid of missing Singapore and everyone within. My friends~ I'll miss you. Do miss me too~

Drop me emails. I like writing long emails. Visit my photos, links by the side, drop me short emails to tell me how you feel too. I need that little touch from home.

Till then~

Sunday, May 29, 2005

Updates On My Script

I've finished the outline of my play, excluding the part of the romantic love story. I'll still be needing time, and a little something else to craft everything together.

The outline of the play was sent to Loki and Jinwei, or in Joan's terms "Lo-kee and A-wee". hehe~ I'm being lame while trying to rhyme. Loki got back to me with his thoughts already but I'm too drained to do anything about his comments. Jinwei is rotting, so I guess his brains aren't working. I can't blame him cos I'm feeling the exact same way as him.

I'm thinking should I place my script outline online. I think better not ba. If anyone wants to read my outline and give me comments, drop me a note, I'll pack the outline nicely and send it over to you.

Next up, I'll be trying to fit my romantic love story into the play and use that as the backbone of the whole play. I'd probably not be doing an outline for that but have to go straight into the actual dramatise of it. After all the gist of the love story is already out in my head. I'm a suckler for nice love stories. I want all love stories to end the way I want it to, but sometimes disappointment can be beautiful. How contradicting I am.

I need names for my characters. Or should I do a Wong Kar Wai and just do off with names? I have some friends, I never called them by their names before. I don't think I've ever called them anything. There's no need to. Anything I say immediately is directed to them cos there's no one else around. Similarly, there won't be any other people, so maybe there's no need for names.

Of course, there's a need to reasonate my choice for not giving names to my charaters. Think I shall base my reason on my own experience. In that setting, there are only two people around. Anything one of them says would be immediately picked up by the other. Besides, they are intimate enough to aha! I just remembered... Was talking to Jinwei yesterday about rapport. Yup... That's it! Rapport! The two of my characters have that rapport to understand or feel that the other is calling out to him.

This not calling of names lowers a barrier between them making them more intimate but it also shows a wedge between them. The problem of their relationship. Their relationship can be considered as intimate but not intimate. No calling of weird honey, sweetie, currypuff thingies, no calling of names, just saying of their mind.There would be no need for the addressing of the other. After all their relationship is really very special.

Hmm... Seems like I'm putting a bit of myself into my play. I mean of course, isn't my play my baby? hehe~ I was talking to Zhichun the other day. I was described writing a play as shitting. Sometimes when you have the urge, you can crap a lot, sometimes, when there isn't really an urge you can be pretty constipated. The imagery might be a little crude, but I remembered Malaysian blogger Kenny Sia once mentioned that his mother first tried to explain childbirth by describing it to be like shitting. Writing a play is like nurturing a baby, and giving birth is like shitting, so what's wrong with my analogy except that it's just a bit graphic?

I don't know if there's a link between me nurturing my script and me wanting to nurture a baby. Recently everytime I go shopping and I spot babies, especially if they are carried by the parents, I'd feel this overwhelming sense of envy. My maternal instincts seems to be calling out to me to have a baby. I think I'd be a good mother. Just like how I think my play is going to come out well.


This message is for a specific person. If you are not that person, I don't think you might fully comprehend what I want to mean, but you can also have a read at this post and not make the same mistakes.

I had asked something from a friend. The reply was "try". I've heard this "try" many times already, this wasn't my first time hearing it. I knew what it meant. So I commented to my friend dejectedly, "try means cannot". I've learnt that from experience, from hearing that try one too many times. I really hadn't wanted to hear it again.

The I got another reply, to fill me back with hope. "sure can". I was skeptical. I knew the meaning of "try", I knew that I'd be disappointed, as always, and I didn't want to raise my hopes high again. As the saying goes, the higher the hopes raised, the bigger the disappointment. I didn't want myself yet again be disappointed and hurt, so I tried to be skeptical. But it was no use, the damage was already made, I had hopes.

So finally, when the day neared, I got this message "sorry busy". I was disappointed, hurt, shattered, sad, broken, pained, upset, and all other negatives that one can think of. I started blaming my friend. But after taking time and go through the whole situation again, well, I shouldn't blame anyone but me. I knew I cannot raise my hopes. I knew that "try" means cannot. I knew everything. Just that I didn't want to believe it. I wanted to feel hopeful, so I got disappointed.

I'm a history student. People say people study history to prevent history from taking place again. But from Dr Clancey's lecture on Why History?, we can see that the two key figures who repeated pass mistakes from history were history buffs. Stalin and Mao Zedong. They both repeated past atrocities of dictatorial leaders of their countries' history. Stalin strived to emulate Ivan the Terrible while Mao looked towards emperors like Qin Shihuang.

I'm a history buff. I repeat history too. I repeat my past mistakes. I know "try" means cannot, but I just didn't want to accept it, and when later that "try" was certified as cannot I got all upset again. For what? Like what Dr Clancey said, "doomed to repeat history" of the two dictators, and very true for me.

I'm waiting for your comment about "try" means cannot. Especially now that it's been proven that "try" really means cannot.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

A Whole New Feel

I redid my blog. I guess the previous one was getting stale although I must say it was one of the blogskins that I thought best suited my character. Still I like the features of this new skin. Nice and simple, without any fuss and mess. Well, do drop me comments about this skin. I've just got that comment feature enabled. Do make use of it.

Another thing is that some people have complained to me that my font size is too small, so I make it bigger. Hope it's now easy on your eyes. Yup... Still not happy with it? Drop me comments.

Another thing, cos I changed some of the font colour in my previous posts so reading them might be hard on your eyes. A trick is to move the cursor over the words highlighting them. That would make reading easier. I really don't want you people to spoil your eyes on poor little Joan.

Still think this blog is a little empty. I'd like to put my title emblazoned across the top. There's a little space for that, but I'm not good with html stuff. Anybody willing to help me? Leave me a message any kind soul.

In the next couple of days before I fly, you can expect Joan to experiment more with this blog, but once I finalised the thingie, that will be it for at least quite some time. hehe~ Just feel free to drop me comments about this new blogskin. I welcome all types of constructive criticisms... But of course, I'm still the vulnerable Joan so don't shoot me too hard hor...

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

On Board the Red Windbreaker Trail

On Board the Red Windbreaker Trail

Last week, Joan was with her sister at Parkway when she decided to look around for a nice jacket which she could wear about in school when the term starts instead of borrowing her sister's jacket. Naturally, one of the stores that Joan would go look for jackets is Adidas. Adidas sold a nice red windbreaker that Joan fell in love with. But Joan was looking for more of a sweater kind of jacket so she decided against getting that windbreaker.

On week passed by, Joan thought and thought again. She did have other kinds of jackets, and her sister did have a sweater, but she did not have a windbreaker. She suddenly thought of getting that fated red windbreaker which she had seen in Adidas.

The red windbreaker was nice and small, instead of your usual baggy jacket kind, so it showed of Joan's nice slim body. It was totally red with some white stripes signature of Adidas. The windbreaker came with a little cute red hood which could be hidden in the collar. The inside of the windbreaker was netted and when worn over, it was very snug and warm. Yes, Joan tried that windbreaker when she saw it.

Finally, yesterday while out with her sister and fellow cousins shopping, she decided to look for that fated windbreaker.

Destination 1 of the trail: Taka's Adidas
Joan couldn't manage to find it, but it was okay, as there was still other Adidas, she thought, so she didn't make a big fuss over that fated windbreaker.

Destination 2 of the trail: Heeren's Adidas
Please note that Joan did not immediately proceed to Hereen straight after leaving Taka. Joan was on a shopping expedition together with her sister and cousins and like all shoppers in town, she went through places like Paragon and browsed through hundreds of other shops before enterin the Adidas. At Heeren's Adidas, Joan started to panic and hence decided to open her mouth and request for that windbreaker. The following ensues...

Joan: Excuse me, do you have a red windbreaker here?
Salesman: Is it this one? (holding up a humongous red men's windbreaker)
Joan: No, it's red with white details. Much much smaller one. I saw it at Parkway's Adidas.
Salesman: I suspect that's from the Kids' Collection.
Joan: Is it sold out?
Salesman: No, as in we don't stock the Kids' Collection here.
Joan: Oh I see. Can you help me check it out from other stores if it's possible to locate it?
Salesman: Wait a minute. (went to make calls)
Salesman: I spoke to the supervisor of Parkway's Adidas, but the two red jackets they have are this (the humongous men's windbreaker) and this (a ladies' white sweater with red details).
Joan: no, they are not the one I wanted.
Salesman: I'm really sorry, I can't help you then.

Angry Joan made a mental note to go by Parkway Adidas the next day and if she could locate the red windbreaker she would have that supervisor axed.

The next day, this afternoon, Joan left her house for Parkway in search of the red windbreaker. As usual, she took bus number 13 before changing buses. On board 13, Joan had nothing better to do. Then she suddenly turned her gaze upwards onto the railings of the bus. Hanging on the railings were series of flyers promoting, get this, the TEMASEK ACADEMY. As what the flyer described, "The Temasek Academy 4-year Integrated Programme for 2006 Intake". Joan was so amazed by what she saw and plucked out one flyer for keepsake. Marketing... Then she lifted up her gaze to the TVMobile screen. Lo and behold, there was an ADVERT of the very thing on the flyer in her hand.

Destination 3 of the trail: Parkway's Adidas
Joan headed straight to that store once she got out of the bus. But something was different with the Adidas store since she last seen it last week. Joan went to the counter and the following ensued...

Joan: Last week I spotted a red windbreaker here. Is it still here anymore?
Salesman: Is it this (holding up THAT humongous men's red windbreaker)?
Joan: No, it's red with white details, from a rack over there (pointing to the rack holding several kids clothes)
Salesman: Oh... I think that's from the Kids' Collection. We just returned the stock.
Joan: What do you mean? Is it sold out?
Salesman: No, we returned the stock to the warehouse.
Joan: Is it possible for me to get it from other outlets?
Salesman: The stock are all recalled. If one Adidas outlet doesn't have it, the others won't. We don't want our customers to complain about us being unfair.
Joan: Where are the stock recalled to?
Salesman: The warehouse.
Joan: Is it still possible for me to get that windbreaker anywhere?
Salesman: Not from any of the Adidas stores. You might want to try other sports shops like Royal Sporting House. They might still have it.
Joan: Okay... Thanks.

Destination 4 of the trail: Parkway's Royal Sporting House
Joan walked in. The first thing she noticed was THAT humongous red windbreaker. Joan looked around, no kids clothes around. She went to ask the salesman, yet again.

Joan: Do you have any windbreaker from the Adidas Kids' Collection?
Salesman: I'm sorry, we don't have any stuff from the Kids' Collection. You might want to try their store upstairs.
Joan: I just came down from there. I was directed here by the salesman there as he said that they have recalled all the stock. i'd have a better chance looking for it at other sports shops.
Salesman: Maybe you can try the one at Suntec City.

So, there was Joan being treated like a ping pong ball by the various salesman.

Destination 5 of the trail: Suntec's Royal Sporting House
Joan looked around and saw nothing other than THAT windbreaker, so Joan caught a salesman who directed me to "the shop next door". By then Joan had lost all hope liao le. Depressed, she turned and walked out of the store and with her head hung low and all hope's lost, she walked into "the shop next door".

Destination 6 of the trail: Suntec's Adidas
Joan browsed though the store and saw nothing to her liking. That irritating windbreaker popped up in my sight again. Damnit sia! If i'm ever going to see that damned windbreaker again, I'm going to shred that thing into pieces.

What other things did I get out of this huntint trail?

I must say, this trail really opened my eyes to some stuff. I'm not going to say this this trail totally wasted my time since I got nothing tangible out of it. Let's see what intangible things I got out of it.

1. The Temasek Academy crap.
That made me laughed. It's so crap.

2. Another piece of joke that's so crap that made me laughed.
I went G2000 and bought a men's long sleeves shirt. On the receipt, it was labelled as skirt/dress. What crap sia...

3. There is such a thing as Toilet Media.
Toilet Media is advertisements in the toilets. As you use the toilet, your eyes would wander and for 30s to 5min, you have nothing to do. Apparently, according to the Toilet Media people, advertisements in the toilet right on the toilet door best catches people's attention. And with nothing else to bother you, that form of advertisement is the most effective. Well, I thought it was quite creative. What say you?

4. Adidas.
I did some research on Adidas. I remember someone asking me sometime ago, why does Adidas have two logos. I thought that perhaps they just changed the logo recently, but apparently, both logos are in use. The Adidas Original logo, the one that looks vaguely like a tulip, is for the Adidas Original line, mainly for style and apparel stuff. The Adidas Performance logo, the three lined triangle thingie, is for their sports stuff. For practical usage. Yup... Didn't know that until I did the research. Quite cool la... haha~

5. There is no such thing as salesman going all out to help you.
Service in Singapore sucks. For the ten thousandth time, I'm going to reiterate my story about the Ralph Lauren guy. I was at the Ralph Lauren at Lido and I spotted this blue dress in the window that looked nice, so I went in and asked a salesman.
Joan: May I know where's the blue dress on display? I'd like to have a look at it?
Salesman: Would that be in the men's department or the ladies' department?
Joan: Yes, and you'd find me a dress in the men's department?
Salesman was so paiseh, but I was pretty pissed. If this happened in This Fashion or some lok kok lok kok place, it might still be okay, but this is RALPH LAUREN. $287 for a dress, I'm paying for service too okay, not just the cloth for the dress and you dont even know your gender differences. hai...

It was a long day today. But still it was enjoyable. But happy times are usually not lasting. I wonder how long can this wave of joy last?

More Updates on My Script

More Updates on My Script

I've the complete flow of my play out but sadly it's only out in my head. I'll be writing them out then transferring it into soft copy form by Wednesday. I'd cleared up the doubts between Copernicus and Galileo with the help of kind Kristy, so all that's left is research on that Ming dynasty emperor.

But I still can't think of an appropriate title for my play. It has to be something cheem cheem yet short and catchy. haha... I've high expectations, so I guess the title won't be out that soon. I'm more concerned over the names of my characters. I cannot possibly pull off a Wong Kar Wai in which my characters won't be named, but what can I name them? Let's see, I've this cute character already named. Little Peanut, gender unspecified. I'd need two more names for my two leading men, and another name for the protagonist, gender unspecified but most probably a male.

I'm foreseeing quite a bit of gender bending in this play cos it seems like every character could be played by either gender, including that of Copernicus, Galileo and that emperor. My only request is that my two leading men must be male. They can both be female, but I'm damn adverse to that situation, makes my hair stand sia. *shivers* If you want them to be one male one female, it's not impossible, but I'll have to cook up a different plot to accommodate this scenario. *sian* So I need my two leading men.

I don't want to plan too far for this play in terms of production ability or actors capability, I mean, this is but a script written, not necessarily to be used for actual staging.

But I'm proud to say that my this play incorporates a really wide variety of stuff without looking that scattered. The main theme is still tightly knitting the whole play together. I've have something abstract, flashes from the past, historical evidence, science fiction, hypothesis, black humour, treason, a controversy, a twist, and my favourite, a romantic love story~

So looking forward to nurturing my baby to maturity... Watch this space for more updates~

Sunday, May 22, 2005

An Update on my Script

An update on my script...

Last night I was feeling at an emotional low, especially after my friend dumped me alone online, I was one piece of wreck. Some amateurs say that feeling emotional can inspire them to write better, but I'm no amateur, writing under emotional pressure will only produce an piece of writing that cannot be substantiated. Once the spark of inspiration goes, there's no way I can continue with my writing, so I wasn't about to write when I'm emotional.

Luckily, after blogging out my thoughts last night, I sorted out my emotions and was feeling a lot better. That got me motivated to carry on with my script. I had already thought about the last quarter to fit into my script, all I needed to do was to pull them together, and think of a blase ending. And as I wrote out the outline of my script, the ending came naturally into me. Viola! Suddenly, I've a whole skeleton of a script staring at me in my face.

My piece of drama is one with 3 acts of 7 scenes in total. I tweaked my main theme and sub theme to make it more focused, and concentrated my ideas to fit my theme. I threw away my previous ideas which did not come in line with my theme.

Well, I guess you must want to know what is the plot of my drama. It's pretty abstract, in that the plot should be the theme of the drama. I wouldn't say what's the theme to keep you guys in suspense, but key figures of my drama are Copernicus, Galileo, a Ming Emperor, and what I always say I wanted. A romantic love story~ with a twist...

And by the way, I'd like to reach out to everyone to do me a favour. I'll be researching on firstly, Copernicus, so if anyone has any interesting knowledge about him, please forward them to me. Another would be Galileo. And the last and more complicated person would be a Ming Chinese Emperor. He's the emperor whose concubines together plotted to assassinate him. I need to know who he is and whether the assassination attempt was successful or not. For the love story, I need ideas on how two people can fall in love with each other in a span of 5 stage minutes. It cannot be cliched, so I'm ruling out love at first sights. And before they fall in love, they are already friends. And they cannot get together because of any previous breakups. Yup... That's my requests. Throw me some ideas people!

Yup... Till I pull the whole escapade together~

Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

I want to bring up my analogy on the Himalayans and the Marianas again.

I realised one thing about me. After a period of highness, I'd be swept with a period of lowness. Maybe it's the high contrasting with the low that makes to low lower that it is. High and low are but comparative.

After a period of highness which is marked by a series of extensive photo taking sessions, I'm now stuck in this wave of lowness and that taking photos aren't even inspiring me now. This morning, I started of the day with a 9 hour AGM. That basically set the tone for my lethargy after my highness, so now, this lethargy has set in and I'm overcome by pangs of negative emotions.

My worries. These are irrational worries very much unlike those mentioned before.

1. My trip to Germany is in 9 days, and I'm not excited. I still got many things yet to put down, I can't just pat my butt and leave with two hands free. 4 weeks isn't really that long a time period, but it isn't actually that short either. Things would change during this time, and I need to settle these. I don't want to return after my 4 weeks to be surprised by the possible changes.

2. My friends. I think I am attention hungry. But somehow I don't think I'm getting the attention I want. This is especially disappointing when I contrast how I treat people and how they treat me in return. To my friends, I give them my whole heart and almost everything. I know I can't expect them to give up to same to me in return, but at least I do need some form of comfort and acknowledgement. But I'm not getting that, and it's depressing me. It isn't fair, but what is fair. In limbo with myself again. Why is my heart of big and prone to hurt?

3. My health. I want to fall sick. I want somebody to take care of me. I need the attention. Still waiting.

4. My script. Okay... Think this is a valid cause of worry. I've suddenly thought of the missing link. I need someone who's familiar with Chinese history. MING DYNASTY EMPERORS. Anybody with expand knowledge about it, please contact me! EMAIL OR MSN ME IMMEDIATELY! And about COPERNICUS and GALILEO too. I still haven't found the fateful information yet. But I'm now worrying about how I am going to string up the different parts together to make it coherent. And to portray their relevance to the theme. Would need quite a bit of skills to do these. Hope I'm up to the job ba...

Shall keep this post short. Think I feel better after blogging out my thoughts. Just that if there was a physical person to share my problems with, I might feel even better. I don't know if it's my problem or what. Everytime I need a someone by my side, the person won't be there, but when I'm okay and fine, that fateful person would appear. Not about anybody in particular, but it seems like it applies to quite a number of my friends. It's like they've sensors to catch me when I'm happy and siam when I feel sad.

There's a Chinese saying that says that friends whom you share your happiness with are not ture friends, they are just mere aquaintances, only true friends share sorrows with you. Maybe, I just don't have the kind of friends whom I can share sorrows with. Ironically, or painfully, those people who ask about my unhappiness don't seem to want to share my pain. Really, if you think that you don't want to share my pain with me, don't ask me about it. It'll only make things worse.

Paradoxes of life. Broken promises. Unfulfilled resolutions. Shattered hearts. Pathetic Joan. And you are?

Friday, May 20, 2005

Joan in Serious Thought

Joan in serious thought

I guess not many people realise that Joan can be in serious thought, but lots of things seem to be weighing heavily in Joan's mind recently, especially after several event that happened.

The *ding-dings*
check out the above link to see the ding-dings
I mean, the ding-dings are such a cool bunch of people that we even have a name for ourselves.

Tomorrow will the the AGM of the ding-dings and we would be choosing next year's exco. All along I had wanted to run for the exco, but due to some happenings, I found myself in the exco of my Chinese Drama group. I hadn't thought of running for the exco of my Chinese Drama and I don't know what happened that made me go for the interview and finally pick up the position of Resource Manager, otherwise known as logistics. But now that I'm in their exco, I'd have to be responsible for my actions. So should I go ahead and pick up another committee post with the ding-dings? I thought I wouldn't.

However, that day after going out with the ding-dings, I was starting to reconsider my decision. Check out this other set of photos, see what great fun we had together, and what great friends are they...
I was already wanting to work with them for the Matric Fair but due to my Germany immersion, I couldn't commit to it and couldn't join them in organising Matric Fair. I really don't want to give up another chance to work with them again.

As I started working with my Chinese Drama exco people, I realised that by working together, it can bond people closer together as you get to know more about the others, their good and bad points. From the previous two projects that we did together, I felt really comfortable and was really looking forward to future projects with them. Where else can one get another bunch of people like the ding-dings to work together? Friends for life, I think I can safely say it. My mass chat buddies. Always fun to crap together. I think until now only two groups of people are really game in mass chatting, one are the girls and the other are the ding-dings.

So what's holding me back?

1. Whether or not I can handle the commitments of Chinese Drama and the ding-dings.
I think I can. I don't have a very heavy workload in school, after all I'm an arts student. And I'll be SU-ing one module next semester. But I'm afraid of the nights that I'll have to put in. With trainings and lessons both at nights and my German classes, there'd definitely be clashes. Seriously thinking, I think my priority list would be German classes on top, ding-dings next then Chinese Drama, but as one week has seven days, I'm hoping things can fit in somehow or another.

2. My Germany SEP
For SEP, I can choose to go in my second year second semester or third year first semester. If I go in my second year second semester, I'd be leaving in April and I would have to setp down early if I were with the ding-dings. By right in April there should be much other activities for me to do, if I really have stuff to do then I guess no choice I will have to go for my SEP in my third year first semester. But then again, if I were only doing a three year course, it is recommended that I go for SEP in my second year second semester. And if I were to go then, I would not be having classes through January till April when I fly. This would give me all the time to do planning of activities without worrying about my studies.

I think these are my main two worries, but they are really serious worries nonetheless.

The post I'm eyeing on is Cuifang's post. Till now I don't know anyone else eyeing at the same post. Maybe if one of my friends is eyeing on it, I'd give it up, but until then that would be the post I'm eyeing on. I followed Cuifang through all the activities that she organised except for the welcome tea which I missed the beginning and the freshies weren't involved with the planning, but I was involved with the others. I went with Cuifang to do her shopping for the anniversary, the Christmas party, the amazing race. I personally really like organising these fun stuff and I hope I can do more for us. But there is one main problem. I can't cook as well as Cuifang. That might hinder me.

So should I or should I not?

Next in my worry list is the pathetic rate my face is downturning. For a moment I was thinking of displaying a photo of my pathetic face but then the vain Joan decided against it.

Recently, whenever I go out I'd cover my face in thich makeup to cover my pimples. My face has detoriated to such a bad shape that my whole cheeks are bright red and my whole neck is covered with blemishes. I started washing my face everyday, tone my face, apply face mask and nose pore mask to keep my face clean clean.

Two days ago, I started on a course of antibiotics hoping to clear up the pimples. But then the side effects were terrible. The night after my first medication, I puked. I was out having dinner with the ding-dings as you can see from the above pictures I took. I had a chicken burger and a chocolate milkshake. After my meal I felt very queasy. At first I thought that I was just damn full and after a while I would feel better, but the queasy feeling did not cease. As we were walking along the busy roads of Orchard, I stopped by the side to puke. Luckily Stanley had got me a paper bag from Cartel, so there wasn't a mess, but still it was Orchard and I was puking. Well, my friends for a moment thought that I was bulimic, but I can say for sure, Joan would never be bulimic, puking is real real gross and a huge waste of money.

Luckily, I haven't puked anymore after that, so friends don't worry, I am not bulimic, but there are also other side effects, like chest aches. My chest is aching especially badly when I breathe in and breathe out. I was saying, maybe if I want to alleviate the pain I shouldn't breathe. wahaha~ And my breasts are starting to feel very tender, maybe due to the chest aches. Now I'm not daring to wear tight bras to further increase my pain.

All these and more for the sake of a pretty clear complexion face and neck. Is it worth it? I really hope so, so I needn't rely on my makeup set and people can quit calling me vain. hmm... Ironic. I'm being vain by doing these just so that people can't call me vain? have no idea...

Then yesterday I went with the girls back to Temasek Junior College. Never once had we a girls' outing where we had full attendence after we graduated from TJ, only this once. Check this out, all nine of us... Amazing...

What was the price of this full attendence gathering? News of our civics tutor getting cancer. That was what had got us back together, all nine of us, going back to TJ. If it wasn't for Miss Lim, I think we can never have such an outing where all nine of us would make time for. And I have no idea when would our next full attendence outing would be. They said they will come over to the airport to send me off on the 31st, but I don't think that would be full attendence, and if we want to meet up in the rest of our vacation, I won't be around for the whole of June and Yingling will be heading off to Japan for her summer programme until August when school reopens. When school reopens, the chances of us meeting all together will be cut even lower as we will all be busy with out stuff.

But still, it was great walking down the memory lane in TJ and remising about the past. Check out the photos taken of us in TJ and our bowling session...

It was great catching up with Miss Lim, Miss (not this Miss for long liao, hehe...) Leong and Mr Thompson. I was great also catching up with the girls and how we are carrying on with our own lives. Really a cool bunch of people. Just that I had the pangs of feeling old when I was in TJ. Everybody looked young as compared with me. The kids are young, teachers like Miss Leong definitely look young. And poor old Joan looking old and haggard, time hasn't been kind on me. Life has taken a toll on my youth, physically and mentally. hai... And I'm merely 20. Pathetic...

But it was kind of fun going out for all these outings and snapping photos. Took a whole lot of them in just two days. And tomorrow I'll be meeting up witht he CDS people back for another memory lane trip down to Dunman High School. God... I would feel even older there I guess. But will carry on snapping more pictures especially when the ding-ding AGM is before that. I'll take a whole lot of pics for the AGM and for the CDS people. I won't be able to join them for dinner at Kallang Mac which is sad, cos it was there, years ago where we sat for hours, 930am to 430pm, chatting. Those were the days. But I can join them for their night activities! K-ing! hehe~ Although I had gone k-ing with the ding-dings that day, but nobody can get enough of k-ing, so really looking forward with the CDS people again.

Other worries in my life. Men. Or rather the lack of them. I'm getting pretty moody about this matter. I hate it when people say thing like the below. Friends, take note of them, and don't say them to me or I'd flare up.

"You too choosy is it?" For goodness sake, I am not choosy lor. I might harp on things like I want a 1.82 or what, but well, it doesn't really matter if I can ultimately find a guy.

"I know you have a boyfriend." Said by my sister. WTF... I don't have one, and unless you want to find me one, no matter what you say, I still don't have one. Period.

"Why don't you have a boyfriend arh?" I'd like to know why too. Unless you can answer this for me, don't ask me that, and do not answer me with the above first question.

"I don't believe nobody likes you." Well, if anybody does love me, please let me know. And until then, nobody loves me, so quit telling me that. Damnit. I do wish that line can come true, but apparently it isn't so there's no way you can make me believe that it's true.

And the most most hurting one I do not wish to hear from any guy whom I possible might like, "We are friends, aren't we?" Well, there's no answer to this question, or rather I should say I don't want to answer this question. A yes, would mean resignation and a period. A no, would be too brash and a halt in whatever that might happen. Not that I don't really have any guys by my side, just that I don't have the kind who wants me. hai...

What does the future holds for me? I really don't know. But I so badly want to know. Can someone please let me know? *Joan being brash again*

Of Old Fong Seng and Cafe Cartel - Chicken Burgers


I was at Cafe Cartel and this chicken burger caught my eye. I hadn't wanted to eat something that filling yet wanted something substantial. That was it, a chicken burger. I noticed that their fish burger included an egg, so on my order noted, I put down "add egg" as a special request. Indeed, I got my chicken burger with egg at no extra cost, of course, with the usual 5% GST. (edit: I went another branch of Cartel on another occasion and was charged $0.50-$1.00 more for the add egg, can't remember, but it's still okay.)

When the chicken burger arrived, I was pleasantly surprised to see the burger of the second picture, with the egg. I exclaimed that it reminded me of the old Fong Seng's chicken burger, the one in the above picture. Too bad, after Fong Seng changed hands, the chicken burger changed too. The new chicken burger doesn't have as large a portion of chicken as before.

What's so great about the chicken burger? The old Fong Seng chicken burger as you can see in the above picture, has a large piece of breadcrumb chicken, with egg and cheese and garlic spread. The new one has like a small chicken fillet about 1/4 the size of its predecessor. The Cartel chicken burger? It's chicken is about 1.25 the size of the old Fong Seng's one, with egg added as special request and mayo spread.

As I bit into the Cartel burger, I was immediate brought back to old Fong Seng times. "Wow... This tastes like the old Fong Seng burger. I like."

My friends were like, "You are comparing Fong Seng to Cafe Cartel?!!"

Well, I was. To me, I was complimenting Cartel, but really, it seemed very ironic, I mean, that was Cartel, I was like comparing Pasar Malams to Robinsons, not really a compliment actually. Especially when you compare, the burger at Fong Seng was $3.50 and the one at Cartel was $8.50 + 5% GST. Anyway, the Cartel burger will be making its way to Joan's favourite food list liao~ wahaha~

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Joan's Busy With...

Wow... I haven't been blogging for a very long time, and it would really pain me if I'm going to blog about mundane stuff to bore you guys. But I'm really like a squeezed lemon. Nothing's coming out of me. I've been trying to work on my script for my Chinese Drama. I've all the idea but no idea how to fit them in, so far I'm still left with one more part to fit in that four-parter. Okay, make them one and a half parts cos I still cannot differentiate between Galileo and Copernicus. Anyone has any clear idea about them, EMAIL OR MSN ME IMMEDIATELY. I'll fall in love with you.

After some thinking, I've decided to do the mundane blogging first. hai...

I went for a bonding camp for my Chinese Drama Exco organised by my previous batch of excos. No, I didn't manage to kachiao my laoban, but I ended up giving lots of good jibes to Stupid Boy. How stupid is Stupid Boy, I'm going to be a nice person and not reveal his stupidity but all I can say that it rivalled my Stupidity Symptoms.

Of course, the main thing about the bonding camp is not to jibe people, it's to get to know them better and build up a close bond. Well, I did feel closer to the other excos after the camp. Just hope that we can manage to complete out term with as little friction as possible.

Another thing I managed to get away from this camp is Stupid Boy's money. oops... Say until like that, but I myself also didn't realise it until I just checked my wallet. I brought $60 to the camp, I only spent $40 on the chalet money and renting bikes and some misc stuff which I had to pay to Shushu. Then I spent another bit of money on my cab fare home, and I still have the remainder of that in my wallet. interesting... Considering that I had earlier confiscated Stupid Boy's $10, and the little bit of money here and there, I guess it's no wonder that he's complaining he's broke. I guess it's my fault. bleah... Am I very mean? hmm... Better think of ways to treat him better ba. Maybe I can stop calling him fat? Stupid is mean enough liao, better not let him be stupid and fat.

hmm... I was thinking, hey... Wanna see the pictures I took for this camp?

I do like taking photos when I'm happy. But sometimes, it misleads people to think that I'm always happy. hai... *piak piak* Better not become depressed sia. I'll be going out with the ding-dings later for a ktv session. woohoo~ It's been a long time since I last met up with them, it'll be fun. And I'll bring along my trusty A80 and my N6230, then I'll make another album. hahahaha~

if you guys wanna backtrack and look at my other pictures, there's link by the side stating yahoo photos, yup, click it and you'll be brought to my albums. If you are really dense and comparable to dear Stupid Boy, well, you can click this too ba:

Okay... Now what had I wanted to talk about when I first started to blog? An interesting insight of Joan. I shall title it:

Of Uchenna and Joyce and Tom

I'm sure by now you guys should know that I watch Amazing Race and Survivor. I'm sad to say that I missed both finales. I missed the finale of Amazing Race cos I was in that bonding camp, and I missed the finale of Survivor cos I was out with a friend. Yup, friend, it's all your fault! How are you going to compensate me? But I caught the results of Survivor before the show played on TV cos I went online to check it. So I knew it was Tom before I went out with my friend, and it did settle a couple of stones in me.

Uchenna and Joyce.
I'm not their supporter. Neither do I like them. You know, the skin colour thingie... But they are nice people, they would really make good use of the money they won, and more importantly, they had wanted the money to make babies, so I must say their money will be well spent. Rob and Amber won 5 prizes for coming in first in the legs, I think that's enough for them, after all they already have a million bucks. I don't really think they joined the race for the cash prize, but more for the fun of it.

I didn't see how Rob and Amber ran the last leg, but from the videos I watched online, they are pretty cool about not winning, so I guess that should be fine with them ba. Maybe on an all-stars ba... They are stars, like little stars. lol~

I'm so glad he won. He deserved it. He's a true survivor. He didn't play politics or diplomacies to win. He played his true game. He wasn't afraid of expressing his unhappiness about other people or how they are playing the game. He's loyal. He's strong. And now he has the million dollars.

I didn't really notice him throughout the beginning episodes cos they always came as a group, and always won, it was only after this rewards challenge that I started noticing him. In that reward challenge, Kuror won fresh water, supposed for bathing, but Tom said that it would be better if they don't waste the water by using it to bathe, it'll make more sense if they drank from that fresh water. My reaction was, omg... that could really piss off the girls, and he did, but well, he survived that. Then later he started winning lots of immunity challenges, that's real grit.

He and Ian dominated the immunities. Ian, I must say, he disappointed yet amazed me. He screwed up the game yet showed true friendship. I must say, well, good for you Ian. But dont forget, he'd got the chevrolet, so he can't really complain. I must say, if the final two came down to Tom and whoever, Tom would win cos he's really a nice guy and deserved the money, so Katie, that's too bad... Actually I wanted to watch the finale cos I want to know who voted for who to win the million bucks, but I missed that. hai...

What can one do with a million bucks? i wrote about that some time before, when I was dreaming about winning the Toto angpow draw, hai... It still stands la, what I want, but well, don't have such luck. sad...

Well, now that my two favourite shows have ended, my nights will be filled with loneliness. People, if you see me online, please talk to me. I'll be always be online and always available for chatting. I have zero life.

then again, I always say I've no life cos I'm online always, but hey, I do have a life. I went out yesterday, on monday, weekends I was recuperating from my camp, and before the weekends i was stuck in camp, and I was busy every day before my camp. I do have a life. But why does it seem like I don't have a life? Wonder wonder... drats... I better go hurry if not I'd be late, again.

Saturday, May 07, 2005

I don't give half a damn liao

Why am I not giving half a damned damn to my health?!

Jinwei says I'm going to get a stroke. He told me to go get a checkup. Nope, I'm not going to, but I'll warn all of you of my impending stroke. If I ever suffer a stroke, well, it's cos of this, so do prepare for this.

It all started with cramps and pins and needles. Usually if you sit in one position for long, you'd get pins and needles from the lack of blood circulation. Pins and needles are normal occurances, but recently, to be exact, yesterday, I started having cramps. First at my calf, then it spread up to my thighs, then my butt. Almost the whole of my left side waist down was paralysed by the end of the day. Today, after another day of sitting, my legs are all gone.

Yesterday, three hours of Madame Butterfly in the cramped Esplanade, followed by two and a half hours of Kingdom of Heaven in Marina GV. Today, the whole morning of meeting in PS McDonald's followed by a whole afternoon of Short Play Competition sitting in this cramped auditorium in the Teochew Clan Association followed by an hour and half of Luyuan Zhi Ye sitting in the cramped TJ Audi. My legs are totally wasted. And I'm so lack of sleep.

These couple of days, I've been painting my face. Stupid Jinwei has been jibing it, but what can I do?! It's either I suffer from a horrible face now or a horrible face later. Being the big procrastinator, I decided on later. So I painted my face to hide its ugliness. Lack of sleep, stress, poor health, visibility of pimples, acne, pale shadows, darkened eyes, open pores, it's no wonder I don't dare to face people with my true looks.

My health problems?

I'm still having that damned flu. My sense of taste is partially gone. Nothing tastes the same anymore, and I hate it. But I'm not doing anything to make myself heal faster. Why?

Because I want to be sick.

I hate it. I'm so fed up. I want to be a spoilt brat. I want to do what I want to. I want to sulk. I want to contradict everyone. I'm so fustrated. I have so much pent up frustrations in me. And I know it's not pms. And this sucks more. If it was pms, I could just pushed all the blame to those bloody hormones, but I can't do so now.

I think what I need is a guy to neutralise me. If I have a guy, I'll treat him really well. I'll do what he says and what he don't says, and not do what he don't want me to do. I'll cook for him, feed him, bear him his kids, look after his kids, serve him well. I'll wash his feet, prepare hot baths for him, stay up and wait for him all night, bring him breakfast/lunch/tea/dinner/supper. I'll cut off all contacts with all my males friends, even female friends too if that's what he wants. I'll let him know of my every movement. I think what I need is not really a guy, I need someone to control me, to dominate me, to minimise my existence.

Jinwei says at this rate I'm never going to get my guy. The guys won't like me. Yea... Jinwei says again and again. Aren't I supposed to be the one jibing him, why are the damned tables turned? Hmph...

I can't sleep well. At night I don't feel like sleeping, in the morning I don't feel like waking up, but I need to. I don't know what I really want, sleep or wake up. I feel so tired out. Will lethargy bring about stroke? Hmm... I don't think it's about diet cos I havent been eating much lately. Having a flu, everything is tasteless, everything sucks.

I'm starting to think about what will life be in this world without Joan. Will anyone even notice my demise?

Say, one day I get stroke in the house with nobody on hand to rescue me, then when somebody finds me it's too late already and I'm dead. Who will notice it? I think my parents will place an obituary advert in the papers, but who reads the papers? Word will spread among my friends, especially since I know some of my friends have taken to reading the obituary daily. Those loose friends whom I know, and don't know my other friends, will they find out about my passing on?

Say, they will notice that I'm no longer online. I no longer reply to their SMSes. Will they attempt to call me? Who is going to keep my phone after I go? My parents? How will they break the news to those stray friends who once in a while drop me SMSes or calls?

Yesterday I was telling a friend. I don't want to think with my mind, cos I want to make an irrational choice, but I too don't want to think with my heart cos I want to make a rational choice. What to do, don't think at all. How not to think? To put your heart and mind out of work. I'm not being suicidal. I'm just being realistic.

If I really get that stroke...

Friday, May 06, 2005

Beautiful Illusions

Beautiful Illusions, channel8 weekdays 9pm
starring: Fann Wong, Thomas Ong, Qi Yuwu, Yvonne Lim, Nick Shen, Lin Liyun

The story tells of a young girl who witnessed her father being murdered by a teenage boy. The teenage boy was sentenced to 17 years in prison while the young girl came to carry the burden of her family after her mother was mentally affected by the loss of her husband. Believing life was unfair to her, she carefully plotted a revenge plan...

That was the selling idea of this drama serial, but the mainstream idea is much simpler. This then is the real plot of the story:

Boy suffered a miserable childhood, ended up in prison. After his release from prison he meets girl and falls in love with her. Boy has a mother whom he hates but has a brother whoms he loves dearly. Brother falls in love with this wild girl who looks exactly like boy's girlfriend.

Then the twist:

The girl is actually the same person using different personas. Boy has to make a decision whether to keep girl by his side or give girl to his brother.

The complication:

Boy has a childhood friend who loves him a lot since young, but boy never liked her romantically. That childhood friend happens to be a big kaypoh. As we all know, in suspense thrillers, the kaypohs usually will end up dead. Also, mother was also a big complication as he tries to be the mediator of everybody in the drama and tries to convince everybody to listen to her as her words would make the best out of everyone. As we also know, in suspense thrillers, mediators also tend to end up dead.

Then incorporating the selling idea of the play into this plot, you get a nice decent 20-chapter Mediacorp drama serial. You add in a Fann Wong and that show would be a hit. You add in a Fann Wong acting as two dfferent personas, you get a hit and a tabloid story. You add in a Fann Wong acting as two different personas and reuniting with her original blue-eyed partner, you get a hit and a tabloid story plus a gimmick added on it, and of course lots of comparisons and rumours and god knows what that churns out of those media machines. They are one big family after all, as we must always remember.

So, should I hit out the show before praising it or should I praise it before launching my damning statements?

For full impact, I'll do what the Chinese do, xian li hou bing. First the courtesies, then the launched attack.

What I like about this show?

The pairing of Fann Wong and Thomas Ong. I suspect most of you guys here do not know this, but I'm going to disclose it anyway. I'm a closet fan of Christopher Lee. A fan as in I call the money sucking hotline every year during the Star Awards to vote for him. I sincerely wish him all the best with Fann. And I think that he and Fann make a great couple. But before the arrival of Christopher in the local entertainment scene, Fann was already making splashes with her pairing with dear Thomas Ong. Unbroken Cycle, Wild Orchids, they were the match of the time! It's nice to bring them back together after parting for like ten years.

The reason Mediacorp did this was so that their newspapers can write a story comparing Fann and Thomas' actings over the past ten years. How they might have improved, or not, how they might have aged, or not, how Thomas might come between Fann and Christopher. Well, the newspapers and the television station stem from like the same company, of course they would join forces to promote their drama serials together.

But I think, time has been very kind on the two main leads, Fann and Thomas. They look just as they looked ten years ago. Fann even looks about the same age as Qi Yuwu in the show, of course, she did that with an inch thick layer of makeup, but still, she did it successfully. Thomas looks not a day older than Qi Yuwu, still just as he looked in Unbroken Cycle and Wild Orchids. I'm not saying Qi Yuwu looks old cos he doesn't. Lin Liyun looked old though. But she was madeup too look like double her age. I thought Mediacorp has a whole truckload of old vetran actresses, why did they still give such a role to a young actress. Kind of pathetic. And just who is this Lin Liyun? She acted in that NKF show right before the premiere of Beautiful Illusions, as a lead somemore, yet I've never heard of her. hmm... Back to actresses looking old. Yvonne Lim looked bloody old in the show. She looked old and haggard. Maybe I should put it in another term, time has not been that kind to her as it had been to Fann and Thomas. And she is a lot younger than them.

In terms of acting, I must say the actors and actresses did a pretty good job. Fann portrayed her character rather convincingly. Thomas was cute, cute like a woodblock. Nick Shen was at his best, ever again. Nick Shen is one of the best actors in Mediacorp, unfortunately he was also blessed with a boyish face which limited his fitting into different characters. If only he didn't look that boy, he can be a very versertile actor. I'd give him thumbs up for his efforts. Oh, and Qi Yuwu's English sucks. I know I should be doing praising, but well, sometimes can't help it when I spot some things just shouting out "jibe me!" to me. Qi Yuwu's character is supposed to be Americanised, but his English sounds so pathetic that I shan't say mean things to people of his nationality, I'm a nice person.

The story is interesting of course, if not I won't be watching it. But as you know, bored Joan can watch anything. So I shan't say that the show is particularly intriguing. You know what's the problem with Mediacorp? The can't hide a good twist.

See, since all the forms of media all stem from the same parent company, plots of the show would leak out, somehow or another to some newspaper or magazine or whatsoever, and the so called twist the show have been touting becomes not much of a twist. Anyone who reads 8Days before watching the show can don't watch the show anymore. It's redundant. It's so pathetic. We watch TV because we want to watch TV, not because we want to make sure that we are reading the same things as our eyes watch. Okay, you can argue that it was me who made the choice to read the magazine, but even if I had not read it, the information is still out and it can still reach me via other forms of media like word of mouth.

But one thing I don't really fancy of this show is its development. The story developed to fast and tapered off too slowly. The romancing period of Fann and her two men was brief, as compared to the suspense. In the end, the prolonging of the suspense makes the show rather draggy. And the deaths makes the show very melodramatic. Viewers should not be kept in suspense for too long, especially in a periodic drama cos there's a litmit to one's patience, and the atmosphere created by the suspense might be broken after a span of 23 hours.

But still, I like stories about revenge. I was talking to a friend this afternoon. I was saying I like enigmatic guys, guys with a history of tragedy and those seeking revenge. He said it was because I grew up on too much Hong Kong drama. Maybe so, but a good revenge makes a show very watchable. This is interesting as the person exacting the revenge is a pretty young girl. This should give a warning to the men that well, young girls can be more dangerous than enigmatic men. And they have more forms of weapons. Charm, tears, blood, and sex. Enough to render a guy totally broken and shattered.

Another thing I must mention. I totally love the title song! Anyone can get me the mp3 and lyrics of the song? Email it to me can? Or MSN me, or do something, just give it to me, and I'll fall in love with you. Okay, better not be so flippant with my words, later kena lectured by Jinwei again. I'll be eternally grateful to you. Is that better?

I think I shall be a nice person tonight and not slam the show at all. Well, not cos I'm really that nice, but as an objective viewer, maybe I should wait until after the final episode of the show that I can truly give my most damning reports on its pathecity.

I shall go to bed now dreaming that the SLK Qi Yuwu drives in the show is mine. Well, personally I prefer CLKs but an SLK would do fine too. I'll have mine in silver...

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Liverpool vs Chelsea

Liverpool vs Chelsea

The final score was 1-0.
The aggregate score was 1-0.

But was it a fair result?
No, I don't think so. I think, perhaps, 0-0 would be a more reflective scoreline.

Although Liverpool won the tie, I would not give them full credit. Yes, Jerzy Dudek was great, he made many spectacular saves, he was the man of the match, but Liverpool as a team was not as spectacular as he was. The sole goal that separated the two teams was not meant to be credited to Luis Garcia. If someone was to be credited for that goal, I'd put it to the referee's name.

Well, it was not entirely the referee's fault, nor was it Dudek to be blamed for Chelsea's failure cos I think there was also some inherent problems with Chelsea too.

Yes, even though I'm a Chelsea fan, I also have to point out Chelsea's faults. Or maybe it's cos I'm a Chelsea fan that I'm to spot Chelsea's fault more clearly. Who's to be blamed?

1. Drogba
Even though I'm a fan of Chelsea, I can still have my most despised player in the team, right? Yes, and that person is Drogba. He's not worth his price tag. After his move to Chelsea, he just scored a couple of goals, not enough for Chelsea to win anything. Isn't it ironic that the top scorer for Chelsea is midfielder Frank Lampard? Where are the bloody strikers?! If there's anyone to blame for this then first person I'd take for the ax would be the misfiring Drogba.

2. Damien Duff
He wasn't present for both the Liverpool matches. So why would I say it's his fault? Well, he wasn't there. If he was there, then I'd say Chelsea would have won, simple as that, Chelsea would have won by several goals, to that goal let in by the referee. Duff has pace, reads well into the match, able to give good crosses. And his corners are the best. His corners always pick out the heads of whoever's in position. Although Lampard also can take corner, but Lampard's corners aren't as precise as Duff's.

3. Arjen Robben
He wasn't at his peak. What can you expect from a player who isn't at his peak? You can't really expect much, that is the problem. If only Robben was at his peak, he and Duff combined can tear down the flanks of the Kop and beat all the shit out of their opponents. Remember those 4 goals games? They were achieved with the magic of this duo combined.

Liverpool did not win by their might. They won only because of the failings of their opponent. This Chelsea team fielded was not the best possible Chelsea team. It is not surprising that Liverpool was able to pull through to get a draw. It was luck that brought them that winning goal.

Relevance of Singapore Military History

Singapore Military History
and the relevance of it

I was reading Time magazine last night. Okay, some people might want to ask, why the hell are you reading Time magazine during the exam periods, don't you have exams to prepare for? I don't know what I was doing too, just thought that I might want to glance through it since I had already paid for its subscription.

Then this article caught my eye. I don't have the article here with me cos I misplaced it. Yes, it was just less than 12 hours ago and I misplaced it, this is so amazing. So whatever I'm going to say would be based on what I remember of it, so I might make a couple of mistakes during to my not that strong memory. Anyway, the article was about the Philippines military.

I wasn't really that interested in the Phillipines miltary so I just scanned through it. Yup... The military was need to settle the Muslim militants in the south. Yup... There are lots of violence and trouble in the south, and stuff like that, but this table at the side of the article caught my eye. Military spending, compared.

The Philippines spends about 1.something% of its GNP(or was it GDP? Can't remember) on defence spending. The US spends about 3.something%. Singapore, 5%.

The country which doesn't have any social unrest or fighting any kind of war or really needs any kind of defence spending, is spending more on defence than other countries! Before doing this module on Singapore's Military History, I would have thought that there was absolutely no logic in this, but after weeks of study, I have came to see the light.

Throughout most of Singapore's history, Singapore didn't control its own defences. Right from when Raffles founded Singapore, which I'd use as the starting point of Singapore's history, Singapore's defences were controlled by people outside Singapore. During colonial period, Singapore's defences were either controlled in Calcutta, in India during the times of the East Indian Company, or in London, in Britian under the colonial office. These foreign people controlling Singapore defences some have probably not even been to Singapore, so there is no way they can do a good job out of it. Even if they truly understand the needs of Singapore defences, there was still a big problem as they have to go through to many bureaucracies to get the finances to fund these defence projects.

Being a colony mean not being able to make decisions best for yourself. Finance is big problem in defence. Okay, put it this way, finance is important in everything, especially defence. How else would you get those fighter planes and bombs without money? How else can you manage to form a battalion of soldiers who would fight till their deaths for you without money?

And in colonial Singapore, another loophole of our defences is that even the troops aren't locals. They come from every other part of the British empire, but not Singapore. Without money, without troops, we can tell how pathetic Singapore's defences were like in those days.

With all these as background, how Singapore lost the Second World War, how civil war almost broke out and the confrontation, and the need of strong defences, Singapore is spending so much on defences.

Is this spending worthwhile?
I'd agree that much has to be spent on defences. Singapore is a VERY small island, if danger approaches, it's very easy to take Singapore. Just need to cut off our water lines from Johor, cut off our food supplies from the sea lanes and Singapore would starve into surrender, that is if we cannot fight back.

I'd think that it's good building up an air force for emergencies. Land routes can be cut of easily, not that easy for sea lanes, but it is also possible via a naval blockade which the Germans attempted rather successfully on Britain, so it's only air routes that's not easy to cut off. From the events of the Berlin Airlift, we can see that when all else fails, we won't starve provided we can get airlifts of supplies of food and water. With strong defences, we will survive.

But does Singapore have threat?
Well, I used to think that one day Dr Mahathir would send his troops down to take over Singapore, but now with him retired, and with the smiley and seemingly Mr Nice Guy Badawi in reign, this possiblitity seems to have been minimised by quite a bit. With other territory hungry leaders, like Mr Little Red Dot Habibie gone too, I guess Singapore seems rather safe. Seems is a key word here.

With the rise of terrorism in the region and with the US fighting these terrorisms, Singapore might be drawn into another proxy war as Singapore has all along been a staunch supporter of the US. I don't understand Singapore, why must it lean against some big country, it's not as if that country will really help you out in times of need. So Singapore might end up fighting a war with the Muslims in the region for the pathetic USA.

Quite some time ago, there was a debate about why Singapore don't seem to promote Muslim soldiers, was is a deliberate act of discrimination.

Studying our military history, I traced the roots of the problem. I don't think it's a deliberate attempt, but more of some sort of natural reflex act. I give an example. When someone taps your right shoulder, you'd turn around to find that that person is standing to your right, so after some time of naturalising this act, whenever a person taps on your right, you would turn right, but that person might be fooling you, as well, as teenage kids you might have played this before. Tap on right shoulder but run over to the person's left. Well, this is the case.

Muslim soldiers in our history have provided some problems to the military. Right from the beginning, the was a revolt within the army after ignorant soldiers heard rumours that the waxed paper used to hold bullets were waxed using pork oil. Then there were also other little little revolts of the Muslims in the army. During the war time, Muslims found it hard to fight their fellow Muslims in Turkey, and most recent was during the civil war back before separation, the Muslim soldiers could not muster the courage to fight their fellow soldiers from across the causeway. With all these problems with the Muslim soldiers, it's quite normal for the Muslims to feel discriminated in the army. But like my example with the reflexes, it might not be deliberate. It would take time and sincerity and lots of loyalty to prove their critics wrong.

Some people say what we are studying in the university has no practical use, for this module, I beg to differ. This is one really fun module I really enjoyed studying, and it really opened up my eyes to new ideas. In other history modules, what I was essentially learning were things I already knew, this is different. I like applying what I've learnt to real life. Makes me think that all the money I'm spending for my education is worth it. hehe~

blogging and more blogging

I'm just going to spend my whole day blogging today. Maybe as I type out each word I can put my mind onto something else, and not think of all those painfull stuff. After catching a flu from two nights straight of crying, I don't think I can afford anymore tears. I can't imagine what else can I catch from more crying.

I'll separate the posts unlike the last post cos that was really wordy. Sometimes I wonder how many people actually read my blog. I don't know how to track the number of people who read my blog, where they got my address from or anything. MSN spaces has a statistics feature which allows you to tell how many people visited your space and when did they do it. It also comes with a referring address, telling you how did people come to know of your space. I've got two referring addresses from here before, so I know at least there are two people reading my blog. Or maybe, that two people are reading only the side column of my blog. My blog is too wordy for people to read it whole.

I know quite a number of my friends hate reading my blog. They think I write too much and it's really taxing for them to read it. Most said they would just glanc through my blog and see if there's anything interesting. Well, at least I know those girls are still visiting my blog. Other than that clique of girls, I don't really know who else might be reading this blog. I've placed my blog address almost everywhere, on everyone of my profile pages, anyone glancing through any of my profile pages can visit my blog, but the key is how many do it on a regular basis?

I don't have a comments column because of the template of this blogskin, I don't have a tagboard because most tagboards end up with nonsense anyway, but I did placed my email and MSN at the side column for people reading my blog to contact me.

For me to so opening put up my feelings, I do hope people can too openly share their feelings about me. Via MSN, via email, just drop me a short note or something, maybe?

But then again, am I really opening up my true feelings and emotions? Not really. Cos I have people like my sister reading my blog, so everything must be calculated before posting, if not she's be a big busybody and ask this ask that. And I never ask her anything she placed in her blog. And also, I don't want to seem particularly vulnerable to the said person whom I might mention when totally poring my feelings like that.

Recently there has been a debate, is a blog private or public. Can we make irresponsible remarks on our blog without having to bear responibility for it? A blog is essentially an online diary, so it's private, but as it is online, the public is able to view it, hence it can also serve as a communication tool so some people argue that it's public. My view, a blog is something public, but we should have the freedom of speech.

From above, we can tell that the domain is not a Singapore one, so we should not be bounded by Singapore's laws and regulations of restrictions to our freedom of speech. For the poor PSC scholar who got into trouble for posting racist comments on his blog, I must say that he should be innocent. You can write what you want, you can have your own thoughts and everything, ultimately, if no one else believes the same way as you do, then you'll still lose out.

My wise dad told this story, "In the land of the blind, the person with one eye is god." then he asked me if it's true. I said yes. He said no. "In the land of the blind, the person with one eye is mad." If everybody is blind, and you say you can see, nobody will believe you cos you are not like them. Nobody knows what it's like to see, so why are you different, unless you are a freak. This is what I would term it as a majority syndrome.

Same thing applies here, you can say whatever you want, you will either be accepted or not. If you are accepted then it means that you have a valid point to argue, if you are not accepted, then no matter what you write will have no use on others, people will just treat you as a freak. My point is that, the Singapore government should not have restrictions on freedom of speech, unless they really think that one person's comments can affect other people. If this is the case, then there is some inherent problem with our system, and this shouldn't be blamed on that poor scholar.

Of course, me siding with the scholar is just a move to proceed with my own agenda. Yes, I have my own agenda up my sleeve. For those people who have know me for a longer period of time would know that I'm a racist. If you have followed my blog for quite some time, you should have noticed that I too have some rather racist posts, check out 26 November 2004. That is really racist. But I am not going to compromise on my principles and take it off my blog. I'm not a scholar so the government can't do anything to me. If they want to, just lock me up in some barracks in Sentosa for 10 years la. If they think locking up someone for 10 years can miraculously change a person's mindset and thinking, then they must really look down ont he power of the human brain.

I hate the government for spoon feeding us, but I hate it more when there are actually people who like this ideological spoon feeding. I mean, I appreciate the government to provide for our economy, our social life, but to try and indoctrinate us, brainwash us, and fiddle with our mind, no way!

*envisioning Joan spending 10 years of her life in Sentosa, but not at the beach, kind of sad*

Monday, May 02, 2005

he's married


I always thought he was married, but apparently he wasn't. So it came as a surprise that he just got married.

He's my kind of dream guy. Charming, but not drop dead shuai, not many people can appreciate how he looks. Talented, and smart, and filled with emotions, like a bottle half filled with water, you don't really know how much water is kept inside, and that makes you really want to open up the bottle and examine what's inside. Bad boy attraction, well, nice people aren't really that much fun, are they? Rough, speaks of weatheredness, adds a bit of scruff, very attractive. Matured, that's what I need in an equal.

If he weren't so far away, I'd flown to him and latched myself on him. I'd have used all my little bit of charm and seduced him, but well... I can now only watch him from afar.

Actually, it doesn't really matter if he's married or not cos I'd always thought that he was married. Anyway, it's the 21st century liao! He can always get divorced, I mean, after all that other woman is older than him, by 5 years somemore. He'd need a sweet young thing like me~ hahahaha~

(edit: there's a hidden connotation)