Tuesday, June 28, 2005


I'm sitting here out in the hot sun waiting. I don't know what am I waiting for nor know who am I waiting for. Maybe a sign or a hope. A sign of a glimmer of hope. I used to spend time and money buying pieces of hope knowing that I am wasting all my efforts, but I don't know why I seem to be making the same mistakes over and over again.

Yesterday I was really very happy, this morning I was happy too, even in the afternoon my mood was still great, but as time passes by quickly and as the glimmer of hope slowly gets extinguished by time, my mood is too affected.

I know not of what lies ahead or what can lie ahead. I'd like to always think of the best possible fairly tale like situation and save myself from eternal damnation, but somehow there is this nagging thought at the back of my head pulling me back into reality. I can only think of the worst case circumstance, and damn myself into the blackhole of emotions.

I think it's pms. It's going to be that time of the month. The symptoms are here. I was crying myself to sleep last weekend, I felt nauseuos after lunch today, pretty soon there'll be cramps and more tears and then yea... You get the idea...

Someone told me that I am always in full control of my own emotions but I beg to differ. Cos he hold that control. Who is this he? Please don't misunderstand me. This he is not a particular person but people in general. Eveybody around me are in control of my feelings. I go by this line, if you treat me well, I'll treat you better, if you don't treat me well, I'll give you a piece of hell. Yes, I am this extreme. So please treat me well, and I'l make sure that you are well rewarded. I am really a very nice person. Sometimes, too nice a person.

Yes, and I am still waiting.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

updates in joan's life

1. The bloody weather is bad.
What's worse than being freezing cold? Being freaking hot! It's 35 degrees here without air conditioning, without tall buildings and trees to block out the freaking sun. I rather it to be freezing cold lor. I didn't fly 12000 miles to experience a weather similiar to Singapore's without the cloody air conditioning. I'm sounding like a spoilt brat, but I think the heat is getting into me.

2. I've completed the first draft of my script.
Submitted it to Audrey and company liao le, now just waiting for their comments about it. 22 papges in all. Without stage directions. Without expanding on the ideas, yet.

3. I'm still going strong.

4. I do miss home a bit.

5. Last weekend was Father's Day.
Happy Father's Day! Though my greeting to my dad was a bit late, but I still love him. hahaha~ I'll def do a tribute to the man who has always been by my side, but that will come when I've got the time... lol~

More updates another time ba...

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

How Fast a Person's Mood Can Change

I woke up this morning feeling good. The coke I had the night before had calmed down my nerves. Yesterday was a great day too out with the people from my immersion group. They are really an interesting bunch of friends.

But the day got off with a major hitch. I dropped one of my contact lenses and I can't find it. So now I'm stuck with my glasses for the whole day. I don't know if I'd get a disposal replacement, but until then I'd be bespectacled. If anyone knows me, would know that I absolutely despise my glasses, so I told myself that I'd be in a foul mood the whole day.

But my day wasn't so. Although class was langweilig, but I finally saw some light somewhere in between and my confidence grew. Partly also because of the company I was with. These people in my immersion programme can really crack me up. So much so that I didn't realise that I had my glasses on. I was in a good mood despite walking a long way to find out that i need to return to the optician another day because something cropped up. On any other day, I'd probably be seething through my crooked teeth.

I think it had to do with the fact that I ate two tomato puffs in the morning.

I was in a bright mood until I read an email from a friend.

It's amazing how someone's words can really bring tears to your eyes, not because something really touching or upsetting was written, but because of ignorance. That person would probably not realise that how some ignorant remarks can turn out to be the most devastating thing said to someone else. Or maybe I only have myself to blame. Why am I so affected by that email?

A line from my script, "What makes pain painer that it can already be? When you compare it with something happy." Why do I have so severe mood swings? Cos I let myself be fully immersed in my moods. When I'm happy I can be really happy, and when I'm not, I'd end up in a terrible state. Someone once asked me why am I so pessimistic. Cos I've seen things, both happy and sad.

Updates on my script (for those who care about it)

I'm 14 pages up. I changed the whole foundation of it. a three act play with a prologue and epilogue. Short scenes within each act cos I haven't got the time and energy to fully develop the idea yet. I remember when the last time I was writing something, my mood got seriously affected by my characters. I ended up feeling sad and lonely for a very long time. Think my mood is again being affected my my two main protagonists.

One is a pessimist, the other is a realist.

I've drawn out their life history and everything I can think about them. The more I think about them, the more I feel for them. Some people write about themselves into their characters, but I become what I write about my characters. It doesn't help that everything seems to be happening so. I think I write too much liao.

I hope I can finish this script as soon as possible. One less worry.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Otto von Bismarck

Otto von Bismark
Gedanken und Erinnerungen

Finally lay my hands upon it! After years of pining... And it's the Deutsch version one somemore! wahaha~ Too bad I don't think I can understand much of it, but it shall be my motivation. All for him~ wahaha~

It set me back by €24,90, but I can say it's damn worth it cos it's hard cover and, it's my dream to own it! wahaha~ I'm still delirious with joy, oh my oh my... I paid for it with Masters so didn't really feel the pinch of the money leaving my hands, but for BISMARCK, it's well worth it! I must say!

I got myself a red retro, funky minidress on Saturday when I was at Colmar, France! Well, the idea that I was in France gave me an excuse to spend money, to buy fashion! woohoo~ I wanted to pay by Masters cos I thought the pain of money leaving me wouldn't be that great, but well, my Masters couldn't get through so I ended up paying my Euros.

I felt so dumb when I first stepped into Colmar. I was thinking that I couldn't buy anything cos I didn't change francs with me. Then I stopped and wondered where could I go get francs changed. Then it finially dawned on me that hey... Europe's all using the Euros and what I have with me isn't Marks but Euros. *pengz* Think I'm still living in Bismarckenzeit... wahaha~

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

What the heck am I doing?

Joan is damn mang zang. Can everyone try and calm me down by sending me emails or leaving comments here telling me some interesting snippets of what's going on at home? Thanks...

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Mir ist sehr kalt hier im Freiburg

Yesterday afternoon it rained. I got drenched. Okay, I wasn't really drenched cos I had my coat on, but I was wet. Coupled with the strong winds and the low temperatures, I was damn cold. It rained again at night as I was walking into my village. Then this morning, the whole town too was damn cold. Even indoors, in my classroom, it was also very cold.

Most of my friends would know by now that I'm a person who has a high threshold for cold. I can be in lectures in sleeveless and shorts and still feel okay, only sometimes I'd get out my wrap for my shoulders but most of the time I can go without. But as most of my friends would also know, when I'm cold, my teeth can really chatter. Yes, I can withstand cold, but when I feel cold, I can really feel damn cold.

To me, the temperature in Freiburg previously was pretty okay. I was able to walk around in normal clothes without a coat most od the time in the day, even yesterday was pretty okay, but today I was totally cmi-ed. Now sitting in the computer lab with all the computers generating heat, I don't feel that bad, but I know once outside, with the winds and the low temperatures, I'll totally be shivering. And I've a thick coat with me.

I've also taken to playing music as I walk. I've uploaded a couple of songs into my handphone and I sometimes play it as I walk. Listening to Chinese and Japanese songs make me feel less homesick, not that I really am anyway, but it just feels more comforting. But the thing about my handphone is that it doesn't allow me to listen to music when the earphones are plugged in, so I've to listen to the songs through the speaker. I'd turn the volume down, but it does feel a little weird with my handphone glued to my ear.

All the walking around alone in this old quaint town made me start to think a lot. I thought of life in Germany, life in Singapore, how life would be if I made a different choice, and other things. This is indeed a learning experience for me, not just about the language, but also my perceptions.

One thing that I've realised is that things can really be a lot different if you see it in another way. One example would be that of roses. I never liked roses. I always thought roses were small, ugly, doesn't really smell that good, and cost much more than it's worth. Red roses look dull, white roses reminds me of mourning for the dead, other colours weren't really that nice. But seeing the roses here totally changed my mind about roses. The roses here don't come in bulbs, they come in blooms. They are big (about the size of my whole hand, not palm but hand)and pretty and always in full bloom. I've fallen so totally in love with them. Life is but transcient.

Maybe one really needs to open up the eyes to the world to see the real light behind things and not be a frog in the well and assume things. I hate people who make assumptions. I know I do too sometimes, but I'll change, I hope, then I cna have the mandate to hate people who do so. I remember I used to not like a junior of mine. I'd do some silly things to show my displeasure, but some time later, I met my junior again, and this time I got a totally different impression. My junior wasn't as immature as I thought, neither that unpleasant or irritating. My junior might have changed, or that my impression right from the start was skewed, but dislike is but transcient, so is like. Just that sometimes, some things need time.

I might be thinking too far ahead in time, or I might be holing myself up in a corner. Maybe I shouldn't torture myself like that anymore. Or maybe I really need to make myself clear in what I want and not want.

Then again, here I'm falling back into a seeming routine again. I wake up at 7, have breakfast, go for classes, have lunch, back into the computer lab, then I return home, then bathe, upload pics, work, have dinner, sleep at 11. I hate routines. I don't like the idea of everyday stuff. I need some exitement in my life, some colour and some qiangua. I don't know what that would be in English, but in chinese, that would be qian1gua4. Something to pine for, something that would keep my mind occupied.

Some people think that what I want is a boyfriend, but that is not exactly so. I'm wanting something more intangible than a boyfriend. Something that I don't have and can never have. I don't know what it is actually, except that I know I cannot get it.

Maybe I need a more fulfilling life. One that doesn't have gaps in between to make me think too much. Maybe by occupying myself every hour every day that I can not think too much about my haves and wants and other god knows what. But that would make me want a different life from what I'm leading now. Not say leading now as in in Germany, but as now as in in Singapore. I need my resolutions...

To immerse myself in my studies and not leave any regrets in my papers.
To work hard and fully graspe this German language.
To do my share of work for my Chinese Drama and take more initiatives.
To finish off my script.
To spend more time with my family and not always act like a brat.
To take and let friendship and not hang on too much.
To let go of the past and start each day fresh.
To stand up for myself and what I want or not want.
To take things easy and not be straddled by what I cannot have.
To open myself up to the bigger world.

Maybe~ Possibly~ Hopefully~

Monday, June 06, 2005

I'm starting to miss home~

I miss...

Char Kway Teow
Yeo's Crysanthemum Drink
Kong Bak Pau
Rochor Tau Huey
Yahoo Messenger
my friends
my family
my wireless connection
Yahoo Photos

Luckily, that's about it. Well, it's been a week here. Lessons are going along quite fine just that I think that my German isn't on par with the rest of them. Still feel quite lost sometimes, especially when I walk down the streets and I get lost. I always get lost. Luckily I'm still lucky enough that most of the time I manage to find my course mates to get me back to the herd.

Sometimes I wonder what would it be like if I hadn't came over. One month is a long time. I really wonder if all my gains outweigh my losses. I'm also starting to wonder what would be my exchange programme be like. Would I really gain more than I lose?

I'm insecure. Yes. I need constant attention. And when I'm not getting the attention I need, my mind strays off. I always think of the worse case circumstances, and I make myself all worried and upset over nothing. But I cannot really be blamed for all of what I'm thinking. Past experiences with lies, promises and misplaced trust have shaped me to think so negatively of people. Someone once asked me why am I such a pessimist, a lot of people have told me not to be so pessimistic. But none of them have thought that it is not I who wants to be pessimistic. Of course everyone wants to live life happily ever after, but I always get failed.

Everytime I get lost in town, I'd start to think a lot. Maybe cos I don't talk much here, so everything gets bottled up in me. I enjoy sending emails to my friends, hoping that they can reply me and make me feel more loved. I also need that something back from home to let me know that I'm not forgotten. If you miss me, drop me a short email to jal5eva@yahoo.com.sg, I'll be grateful. Some people have emailed me to my hotmail account, I'd like to say, I've only have internet explorer, no MSN, no messenger, so do NOT drop any messages there or anywhere else other than jal5eva@yahoo.com.sg. Thank you.

To people I've sent out emails to, please don't torture me, please reply me. I feel so vulnerable everytime I send an email. I'm like exposing my heart to people, and people just trample on them and not reply to me and ignore me and leave me in a foreign land wondering if you still remember me. Then I'd feel so silly cos here I am thinking about you and there you are with no idea who Joan is. sucks~

Is it that difficult to send out a damned email?

hai... I'm getting incoherrent again. I'm always getting incoherrent over nothing when I'm upset. damnit... And I keep hai-ing too much... sucks~ Even here far far away from home I can't be happy.

Update on my script. It went through a major renovation. But the main point is still there. Think I'll only work on it when I get back to Singapore and sort my stuff out. Should be back in Singapore at about 12noon on 1 July. Friends might want to make that day free and come and welcome me. Bring along a packet of Char Kway Teow from Old Airport Hawker Centre without taugay, and Rochor Original Beancurd, and some Yeo's packet drink to wash it all down, I'll be your cow and horse.

And in the weeks following my return, please arrange to meet up with me. I miss everyone...

Oh and before I forget, girls, Ms Loong wants to meet up with the 33 ppl, so when you guys are meeting please let me know, or you can contact her via her email but you must contact me to get that from me.

Let's see if there's anything else. Nothing much le... haha~ I always feel great after a nice blog entry. Gets all the stuffed air out of me. Many people always ask me why my blog entries are so long, that cos I've got too much stuffed air in me. Pretty funny cos I too complain a lot to my friends to get the stuff air out. Maybe I just have too much stuffed air in me... hehe~

Friday, June 03, 2005

Im Deutschland

I'm here in Germany! In this little town of Freiburg. My host family stay in this little village off the town, called Au. It's a nice natural little place, nothing that you can get back home. I've taken lots of pictures. hehe~ If I stop taking pictures I shall cease to be Joan liao le.

The weather is great. Nice cool climate with some sun but not humid at all. My face is no longer perennial oily but nice and smooth. I'm hoping that my spots would clear up in about a weeks time~ hehe~ It's nice to be in somewhere that seems to be like totally air-conditioned. Better than staying at home with my brains being fried and maggots worming out of it. Better than switxhing on the air-conditioner and the fan. Aren't you so jealous, Jinwei? hahahaha~ After my face clears up you have nothing against me and I can go on to make fun of you as much as I want liao le!

Watch out for my pictures, I've got lots and lots of them~

As of now, I'm not really missing home yet, shall not say things too early, but I'm missing all my friends back in Singapore. I love you guys... Not being online really sucks... Cannot kachiao people, cannot catch up with people, cannot do this cannot do that, but as of now, all these are worth it!

Just only things here are damn damn expensive. International brands are like dollar for dollar in Singapore, so if you consider the exchange rate, then it's like everything here is double. So I can't really enjoy myself to the max in terms of food and shopping. Haven't eaten any sausages yet and I'm not eating eggs. If I've withdrawal symptoms from anything, that has to be eggs. I need my daily dosage of eggs~ wahaha~

I'm also sick of potatoes. I can really understand how people go through war with nothing else to eat other than potatoes. hai... And another thing I never eaten before in my life but stuck eating now, asparagus. Reminds me of that fiasco in Cartel... Tell that story another time. Need to carry on with my fun here!

Till then peeps~

PS: I didn't alter the sttings for time, so this time is in Singapore time. Minus 6 hours and you'll get my time~