Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Mir ist sehr kalt hier im Freiburg

Yesterday afternoon it rained. I got drenched. Okay, I wasn't really drenched cos I had my coat on, but I was wet. Coupled with the strong winds and the low temperatures, I was damn cold. It rained again at night as I was walking into my village. Then this morning, the whole town too was damn cold. Even indoors, in my classroom, it was also very cold.

Most of my friends would know by now that I'm a person who has a high threshold for cold. I can be in lectures in sleeveless and shorts and still feel okay, only sometimes I'd get out my wrap for my shoulders but most of the time I can go without. But as most of my friends would also know, when I'm cold, my teeth can really chatter. Yes, I can withstand cold, but when I feel cold, I can really feel damn cold.

To me, the temperature in Freiburg previously was pretty okay. I was able to walk around in normal clothes without a coat most od the time in the day, even yesterday was pretty okay, but today I was totally cmi-ed. Now sitting in the computer lab with all the computers generating heat, I don't feel that bad, but I know once outside, with the winds and the low temperatures, I'll totally be shivering. And I've a thick coat with me.

I've also taken to playing music as I walk. I've uploaded a couple of songs into my handphone and I sometimes play it as I walk. Listening to Chinese and Japanese songs make me feel less homesick, not that I really am anyway, but it just feels more comforting. But the thing about my handphone is that it doesn't allow me to listen to music when the earphones are plugged in, so I've to listen to the songs through the speaker. I'd turn the volume down, but it does feel a little weird with my handphone glued to my ear.

All the walking around alone in this old quaint town made me start to think a lot. I thought of life in Germany, life in Singapore, how life would be if I made a different choice, and other things. This is indeed a learning experience for me, not just about the language, but also my perceptions.

One thing that I've realised is that things can really be a lot different if you see it in another way. One example would be that of roses. I never liked roses. I always thought roses were small, ugly, doesn't really smell that good, and cost much more than it's worth. Red roses look dull, white roses reminds me of mourning for the dead, other colours weren't really that nice. But seeing the roses here totally changed my mind about roses. The roses here don't come in bulbs, they come in blooms. They are big (about the size of my whole hand, not palm but hand)and pretty and always in full bloom. I've fallen so totally in love with them. Life is but transcient.

Maybe one really needs to open up the eyes to the world to see the real light behind things and not be a frog in the well and assume things. I hate people who make assumptions. I know I do too sometimes, but I'll change, I hope, then I cna have the mandate to hate people who do so. I remember I used to not like a junior of mine. I'd do some silly things to show my displeasure, but some time later, I met my junior again, and this time I got a totally different impression. My junior wasn't as immature as I thought, neither that unpleasant or irritating. My junior might have changed, or that my impression right from the start was skewed, but dislike is but transcient, so is like. Just that sometimes, some things need time.

I might be thinking too far ahead in time, or I might be holing myself up in a corner. Maybe I shouldn't torture myself like that anymore. Or maybe I really need to make myself clear in what I want and not want.

Then again, here I'm falling back into a seeming routine again. I wake up at 7, have breakfast, go for classes, have lunch, back into the computer lab, then I return home, then bathe, upload pics, work, have dinner, sleep at 11. I hate routines. I don't like the idea of everyday stuff. I need some exitement in my life, some colour and some qiangua. I don't know what that would be in English, but in chinese, that would be qian1gua4. Something to pine for, something that would keep my mind occupied.

Some people think that what I want is a boyfriend, but that is not exactly so. I'm wanting something more intangible than a boyfriend. Something that I don't have and can never have. I don't know what it is actually, except that I know I cannot get it.

Maybe I need a more fulfilling life. One that doesn't have gaps in between to make me think too much. Maybe by occupying myself every hour every day that I can not think too much about my haves and wants and other god knows what. But that would make me want a different life from what I'm leading now. Not say leading now as in in Germany, but as now as in in Singapore. I need my resolutions...

To immerse myself in my studies and not leave any regrets in my papers.
To work hard and fully graspe this German language.
To do my share of work for my Chinese Drama and take more initiatives.
To finish off my script.
To spend more time with my family and not always act like a brat.
To take and let friendship and not hang on too much.
To let go of the past and start each day fresh.
To stand up for myself and what I want or not want.
To take things easy and not be straddled by what I cannot have.
To open myself up to the bigger world.

Maybe~ Possibly~ Hopefully~


jean said...


crazyyuan said...

hey dear.. hope u are adjusting ok there.. read ur entry and really happy for u too see so many new things in new light.. yup.. sometime we just need a change of environment to know wat we lack and be grateful for wat we have.. well.. hope u enjoy ur time there and cherish the opportunity which others didnt not have.. take care dearz