Saturday, August 27, 2005

Oriental Suite

I start the story at that time I was in Germany. I was online one day towards the end of my trip there, chatting with Jinwei. He said that he would be taking part in this Oriental Suite thingie with Audrey. They were both writing the script then. Then he said that I would probably be acting in it. Probably. So I didn't take much notice of it. I was too busy shopping for World Cup stuff and living the high life in Germany, why would I want to care about nitty gritty details about chinese drama?

When I returned to Singapore, I was swamped with stuff to do for the script writing competition. Going for meetings, planning and preparations and other stuff. And then there was the preparation for Matriculation Fair and Welcome Tea and other weird weird stuff. Oriental Suite ended up somewhere at the back of my head.

Then one fine day, I went to meet Peter Sau, our Chinese Drama instructor, that meeting was actually supposedly to be under the script writing competition one, but it didn't really matter. Until we started talking a little about Oriental Suite. Peter Sau turned to me and said, "So you'd be acting in it, right?" Shocked~ Then Audrey said, "She and Jinwei will be acting in it." Lagi shocked. Then the next day, I was talking to Jinwei so I asked him about it, he said, "Yar... Didn't I tell you?" "But you said probably only what..." I was indignant.

It isn't that I didn't want to participate in Oriental Suite, but why did everyone know that I'm involved in it yet I don't know. Why was I the last one to know that I was involved in this thing?

The Oriental Suite was fraught with much difficulties... But well, we did come out of it unscathed. For a moment during the difficult times, I thought I was going to crack.

I remember, when Jinwei played me out and said that someone else was going to act as the Prince and that he was going to be thing mute guy.
I remember, the day I first met Jinsen, and the horrible mix up when everyone was late and we were searching for his number.
I remember, the times when we joked about our lines and gave Audrey a hard time as we were too playful.
I remember, that day when I fell out with Jinwei because I was getting too stressed up and he was just as stressed.
I remember, wonderful Audrey didn't care that we were stuffing ourselves with oily fried food which other directors would shudder at the sight of it.
I remember the times in the dressing room when I interrogated everybody in sight because I was that bored.
These memories will stay with me forever...

Thank you Audrey for giving me this chance.
Thank you Jinwei for putting up with my stubborness.
Thank you Jinsen for so kindly taking in all my jibes.
Thank you Hexin for doing up my hair and make up.
Thank you Yujia for so assisting Hexin.

I've added another picture in the hats section. It's not my hat, not mine as in I don't own the hat, but also not mine as in I didn't get to wear that hat on stage. But I think it looked pretty cute, and I looked pretty cute, so it goes up that column.

Anyway, there are more pictures here.

blur blur jinwei
This picture might be a little blur, but I think it does make Jinwei look good right? lol~ I once told Jinwei that he looked like Jeff Chang, what do you think out of this little blurred picture? Actually I used this picture as I don't have any nicer picture of him by himself, and since I was going to put up individual pictures of me and Jinsen, I was scared he might feel a bit left out, even though I think he'd prefer to feel left out. hehe~

arrogant jinsen
Jinsen is supposed to act as an arrogant prince, but examining his features, I think he looks like a female in disguise. Jinsen has very soft features, big round expressive eyes, a sharp defined nose, and soft lips, every much the good looking proud female lead in martial arts novels who runs away from home, dressed up as a guy and falls in love with some dashing swordfighting hero who accidentally touches her breasts and finds out that she's female and falls in love with her and they live happily every after. hahaha~

pretty joan
Pretty pretty pretty~ What more can I say? Don't this outfit so totally fit be to a T?

jinwei and joan
Joan and Jinwei, all patched up le...
Hmm... Why is the Princess standing and the eunuch sitting?

triple j
Our family photo. Jinwei Joan Jinsen, all Js~ lol~
But don't know if you noticed this, but in this picture, only my mic isn't obvious, Jjinwei and Jinsen's mic are like sticking out like a sore thumb. You know why? Cos I'm a cam whore, I know how to make myself look good in pictures, and a mic stuck onto your face doesn't look good in photos.

group photo
A group photo. I thought Jinwei, Jinsen and I were supposed to be the stars, yet we were pushed to the back. Okay, it's fine that Audrey was right in front since she's our scriptwriter/director, but the whole line of girls who were smiling so brightly? lol~ Cam whores I suppose.

another group photo
Well, I guess we can say pretty well, that drama people are cam whores.

On a side note, notice how I misuse the term cam whore? Cos i've been labelled as one. I'm not saying i am not one, but really, it depends on my mood. Last Sunday I was totally off in Bedok Library, but whenI'm on, I can really be a big big whore.

Another thing, I've got myself a third Flickr account. I maxed out both my usualy accounts, so I got this third one since I so want to show you guys more photos. I'll be adding more pictures to my side bars as time goes on, so watch out for the pictures. maybe I'll just change the whole line of 1-12 since I'm doing more and more 1-12 now and you guys are entitled to the latest 1-12s.

Watch this space~

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

2 Hotdogs 5 Nuggets and 1 Vanilla Smoothie

I had a good talk with SG last night regarding the "Fell." I posted yesterday. He says...
"u noe wats the real problem btwn pp to pp interaction? everybody have there own idea of wats gd and wats bad. and everybody thought other pp share the same idea of wats gd and wats bad. sometimes wat u think is wrong, may not be wat other pp think is wrong. some1 may be trying to do something nice to u, which u interpreted to be bad."

From Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, there was this part where Slughorn modified his memory in the pensive about the Horcrux thingies to put him in a better light. I admit that yesterday as I penned that entry, I made myself look better than the horrible mood swinging jerk I am, venting my frustrations at this poor soul who happened to be there and did nothing wrong other than being there. So, after last night's chat with SG, I slowly reflected about my actions once again. More quotes from SG before I analyse where is my fucking problem.

"if i say something tat i thought is innocent to a fren, and tat fren flare up, i will be very guarded in my next conversation to him/her and if i have to be mindful of wat i say, tat i cannot be myself, then a crack has appeared btwn our frenship. if ur fren has known u for very very long liao, and noe u dun mean it, it's still ok. actually similar thing got happen to me. i asked a female fren to help me do something. she do it wif a very black face, and refuse to talk to me after tat. for a couple of weeks. then we patch back. but we are not the same anymore liao. i dun dare to ask her to do anything liao. and i dun look her up anymore liao. cos i duno if i will do any other thing to make her angry again.

"if u have to vent ur frustrations on a fren, make sure he's some1 who have known u for alotta
yrs. however gd a frenship u think u and a fren have, if it's a young frenship, cracks appear very easily. and if u do it too often, pp will get sick of it too.

"think of a relationship as a bank acct. overtime, as u put in more money into ur acct, ur money grows. and some more got interest, it grows more. then when u r angry and vent ur frustrations on them, u r withdrawing money fr ur bank. if u got alotta money inside liao, can still withdraw a couple of time. but if withdraw too much, oso will become broke. sure need deposits. whenever u do something nice, it's a deposit. when ever u accompany him do something, it's a deposit.

"in a quarrel, normally it's not very straightforward who's rite and who's wrong. cos it may started as some1 doing something wrong, but the retaliation may be wrong as well. so it's a wrong on top of another wrong. it always helps to try to look at the same problem fr another angle."

Well, I was pretty surprised when SG talked to me about these, cos he hadn't really struck me as someone who would give an in depth though to such matters, I'm really impressed. hehe~ And another thing about Joan, she's a big stickler for analogies. I get pretty impressed with analogies. yea... My damned Log Theory. Okay, I'm not supposed to be carrying on with my rough patch now, or here, can look in my MSN Spaces for that matter, even though my MSN is down, today the problem is Jinwei, so I better put my focus on him.

Analysing SG's comments, I really don't know if this will happen to me and him anot. I think friends shouldn't be that formal to each other, I think he thinks that way too. I remember him telling me this story once. There was this girl when asked why had she packed rice to school instead of just buying the food, her answer was that she didn't want to ask her mother for money nor did she want to add on to her parents' burden. Later in life she was asked why she wanted to work while studying, her reply was that she wanted to ease her burden on her family and support herself and her parents. This might seem as a model answer, but it also shows the girl's guardedness to others, and this creates a shield between herself and her friend whom she said all these to.

Well, I really hope everything would be fine again. I do want to turn to him once again when I am faced with my whole lot of stuff, and I still need his help regarding my script thingie. And I also want to be there to help him, if he needs the help, I'm not that selfish ah... hahaha~ I mean that what friends are for, and I really treat him as a really great friend. Must emphasise this.

Hmm... How long have I known him? I first met him, by right, more than a year ago, during Arts Camp, then again, during Arts O-week, he was in Rozie's OG. Rozie first made the introductions during our EU1101E class, but it was just a hi bye thingie. But later that night I met him again, at my Chinese Drama session. He also joined Chinese Drama, but although we met like once a week for practices, we didn't really talk much. Even in the EU classes we didn't really see much of each other. Then we got to talk more after December Camp. It was then that we'd arranged to take a module together, Singapore Military History, but we also didn't usually sit together for that module in the end, perhaps towards the end of the module a couple of times only. It was only after we both got into the exco for Chinese Drama that we became closer, or maybe it's MSN that brought us closer, with all the casual chattings and and mutual jibings, we got to know each other better.

Then another benchmark would be in July, after I got back from Germany, after my rough patch set in, I started to turn to him more often and heavily relied in him for even the slightest thing. I came to see him as a friend that I can turn to when my rough patch almost killed me. I don't think we can be considered as really old friends, but we aren't really that new friends, I guess. Or maybe we really are pretty new friends, if you start counting from July... This year's July really a benchmark for everything, but that's not the point for today...

About getting sick of hearing my whinings, I think that's really my fault. Even though I'm a sensitive person by nature, I often get too caught up in my own feelings that I often neglect about other people. I should start using a self check on myself and really get a grip on myself instead of letting my emotions run so ahead of me. Friends aren't obliged to hear you grouse.

It's also quite ironic that SG would use banking as an analogy because I had this short chat with him not long ago when I wanted to get my financial certificate...

[08:52:58 PM] - xxoos - ??: ask u ah...
[08:53:10 PM] - xxoos - ??: clementi got posb or dbs bank anot ah?
[08:53:17 PM] - xxoos - ??: those got teller kind of bank
[08:53:19 PM] I'm not a go: got posb
[08:53:59 PM] - xxoos - ??: is got teller one hor
[08:54:05 PM] - xxoos - ??: real life human teller
[08:54:24 PM] I'm not a go: yar
[08:54:41 PM] - xxoos - ??: where is it?
[08:55:17 PM] I'm not a go: near the large hawker centre
[08:55:35 PM] I'm not a go: the row of shop houses
[08:55:54 PM] I'm not a go: the ban gawa solo side
[08:56:50 PM] - xxoos - ??: u know their opening times anot ah?
[08:57:45 PM] I'm not a go: dunno..
[08:59:20 PM] - xxoos - ??: do u think they can write me a certificate of financial ability for my sep anot ah?
[09:00:30 PM] I'm not a go: ... how i know
[09:00:44 PM] I'm not a go: haha
[09:00:54 PM] I'm not a go: tat u could ask ur dad to write
[09:01:22 PM] - xxoos - ??: nah... the sep is want the bank one...
[09:01:39 PM] - xxoos - ??: just got my allowance
[09:01:43 PM] - xxoos - ??: finally
[09:01:51 PM] - xxoos - ??: do i owe u any money anot ah?
[09:01:59 PM] I'm not a go: .. got lah
[09:02:21 PM] - xxoos - ??: how much?
[09:02:29 PM] I'm not a go: ermz .. i forgot liaoz
[09:02:31 PM] I'm not a go: nvm
[09:02:39 PM] I'm not a go: juz gimme $12 for the tix
[09:03:43 PM] - xxoos - ??: what tics?
[09:05:18 PM] I'm not a go: .. the NTU show
[09:05:26 PM] - xxoos - ??: eh...
[09:05:31 PM] - xxoos - ??: not i give wanjing meh?
[09:05:39 PM] I'm not a go: hmm...
[09:05:39 PM] - xxoos - ??: she say it's $10 only leh...
[09:05:49 PM] - xxoos - ??: so is who i pay to?
[09:05:56 PM] I'm not a go: then u pay wanjing
[09:06:01 PM] I'm not a go: orh i know liaoz
[09:06:12 PM] I'm not a go: did u return mi $$ for the ktv?
[09:06:47 PM] - xxoos - ??: did i give u any money on that day anot ah?
[09:06:55 PM] - xxoos - ??: think i gave u $10
[09:06:58 PM] - xxoos - ??: got anot ah?
[09:07:01 PM] I'm not a go: hmm...
[09:07:05 PM] I'm not a go: i really dunno
[09:07:08 PM] - xxoos - ??: or did i not give u any moeny?
[09:07:15 PM] I'm not a go: really dunno
[09:07:29 PM] I'm not a go: think tat day u return mi $30
[09:07:34 PM] I'm not a go: then after tat
[09:07:44 PM] I'm not a go: i dunno liaoz
[09:08:09 PM] I'm not a go: $20 for the OS tix and $10 for last tie dunno wadever debt[09:08:30 PM] I'm not a go: tat was juz after the welcome tea
[09:08:36 PM] - xxoos - ??: that day i draw $40
[09:08:40 PM] I'm not a go: after tat u gt borrow frm mi?
[09:08:56 PM] I'm not a go: i really dunno liaoz
[09:09:13 PM] - xxoos - ??: i think i gsve u the other $10
[09:09:25 PM] - xxoos - ??: cos like that i couldn't give wanjing any money
[09:09:32 PM] I'm not a go: hmm...
[09:09:37 PM] - xxoos - ??: did i eat on that day?
[09:09:46 PM] I'm not a go: dunno
[09:10:03 PM] I'm not a go: but haha, if i guess, joan wld definately eat one
[09:10:11 PM] - xxoos - ??: diaoz
[09:10:19 PM] - xxoos - ??: no...
[09:10:23 PM] - xxoos - ??: we didn't eat lor
[09:10:28 PM] I'm not a go: ?
[09:10:32 PM] - xxoos - ??: after the welcome tea we went st to sing liao
[09:10:41 PM] - xxoos - ??: then wait
[09:10:46 PM] - xxoos - ??: i ate dinner
[09:10:50 PM] I'm not a go: yar
[09:10:54 PM] I'm not a go: so got eat mah
[09:11:00 PM] I'm not a go: ok nvm lah
[09:11:04 PM] - xxoos - ??: but no leh...
[09:11:09 PM] I'm not a go: nvm lah
[09:11:17 PM] I'm not a go: i can rmb siaz
[09:11:25 PM] I'm not a go: *can't
[09:11:31 PM] - xxoos - ??: cos if i had given u any money it would be given to u in the ktv itself right?
[09:11:37 PM] I'm not a go: yep
[09:11:54 PM] - xxoos - ??: hmm...
[09:12:09 PM] - xxoos - ??: was my that last $10 with you?
[09:12:23 PM] I'm not a go: i really dunno....
[09:12:31 PM] I'm not a go: but then did u pay wanjing?
[09:12:57 PM] - xxoos - ??: nope
[09:13:02 PM] - xxoos - ??: havent paid her yet
[09:13:04 PM] - xxoos - ??: that i rmb
[09:13:09 PM] I'm not a go: haha, i wanna be stingy tyhen u still owe mi $3.30 cents no matter wad happens
[09:13:16 PM] I'm not a go: coz the ktv $13.30
[09:13:17 PM] I'm not a go: hahaha
[09:13:40 PM] - xxoos - ??: diaoz...
[09:13:48 PM] - xxoos - ??: i lend u my cartel card la~
[09:14:00 PM] - xxoos - ??: then u use the savings as my reimbursement
[09:14:02 PM] - xxoos - ??: lol~
[09:14:11 PM] I'm not a go: nvm lah
[09:14:14 PM] I'm not a go: forget it liaoz
[09:14:16 PM] I'm not a go: u see lah
[09:14:28 PM] I'm not a go: alwayz lend u $ until i dunno u got owe mi anot
[09:15:33 PM] - xxoos - ??: bleahz...
[09:15:34 PM] I'm not a go: want mi to write for u certificate of financial ability? i'm the walking ATM
[09:15:45 PM] - xxoos - ??: wahaha~
[09:15:59 PM] - xxoos - ??: okay... ur next meal shall be on me then~
[09:16:02 PM] - xxoos - ??: bleahz...
[09:16:03 PM] I'm not a go: somemore no deposit also can draw one
[09:16:05 PM] I'm not a go: haha
[09:16:11 PM] I'm not a go: no need lah
[09:16:42 PM] - xxoos - ??: really need to do something about my spending liao
[09:16:50 PM] - xxoos - ??: if not i cannot go germany le
[09:17:08 PM] I'm not a go: oh really, stop buying bags , caps and clothes can liaoz
[09:17:18 PM] I'm not a go: oh yar
[09:17:22 PM] I'm not a go: and body shop items

Given the time to slowly think through about what happened on Saturday, I know that most of the fault lies with me. Then I had my pride in me. Pride kills. But after the good long caht with SG, I've opened up, kaiqiao le... So the whole of today I thought about what I could do to apologise yet not compromise on my pride. In the end, all that it took was 2 hotdogs, 5 nuggets and 1 vanilla smoothie to save the friendship. Food work wonders.

We had a 4 pm lecture together this afternoon. I thought that we could sit together and show that well, it's all back to normal, then perhaps all would be well, so I thought of a plan. I'd SMS him that I was running late and get him to save a seat for me, just like last week. But as man proposes, heaven disposes. Actually I was really running late, so well...

I was late because I ran down to UCC Dome, to get that Vanilla Smoothie for him. Actually there are altogether three places in school where you can get vanilla ice, Coffee Club Express and Munchie Monkey would be nearer but the last time I got him Vanilla Freeze from Coffee Club Express he said that tasted too artificial, and Munchie's a bit too rich for him, so Dome's the best, well, I reached DOme at about 4, so I SMS him this "Hey... I'll be late... Can help me chope a seat pls? Tks..."

Just as I was sending that SMS, I received this SMS, "Dear joan, in case u r looking for a place to seat/rest, there will always be a seat reserved juz for u at the row i'm seating. Today i'm seated at right of lt. There's food also". After reading this, at first thought, I was touched. Reading it a bit closer, i really disliked the words he chose, it sounded a tad too formal for friends, but really, I was still just as touched. I don't think that SMS was a reply to my SMS cos it was sent at about the same time, and the food, there's no way he could have prepared the food upon receiving my SMS and replying to it.

This reminded me of something. I remember it was around September last year, a senior after seeing this short exercise told me that he thought that we had great rapport. I was pretty stunned cos at that time we barely knew each other. It turned out that later in March, after out public performance, that senior went to tell him that he thought that we had better rapport than him with this other person acting with him. I decided that I'd play a game with him. The game that me and Zihui invented, Telepathy. One person would think of something of a certain category then the other person guess what it is based on sheer luck and rapport. We failed. But it seemed today that we really had the rapport to think of cajoling each other and enticing each other with food.

He got me 2 hotdogs and 5 nuggets. I'm not complaining about anything, just a bit of musing. He said this as he passed that packet to me... "I realised that you don't buy it from the western stall. Too oily already..." But that's not the main point, the main point still was that he went to get that for me. hehe~ I love hot dogs and sausages, and nuggets, though not from the western stall, but well, also can la... It was the thought that counted so even though I was full from a lunch at Bizad Western, I still finished the hotdogs and nuggets. And naturally he lapped up the vanilla smoothie too. Food makes people happy.

Later he said that his computer had crashed. I guess this explained his preoccupation on Saturday and him not being online during the weekend. I had already suspected so as he was asking for Windows XP disc, but the problem with me once again is being too caught up in my own world that I neglected others. Really must do something about it...

And I'd also like to thank SG for hearing my grouses, seems like I just still can't shake off not solving my own problems myself. But SG also opened up a can of worms in front of me, the Ladder Theory. Well, I have three layers of circles of friends, the first concentric circle is the superficial kind of friends, go out have fun, go back. That composes of a of majority female, my shopping kakis, beaching kakis, and people I meet around school. I don't really share problems with them but I do like to share my happiness with them. And those people usually see my as an optimistic bimbo. The male female ratio would be at about 4:6.

The second layer of friends are the friends I share my problems with. My rough patch and stuff, my constant whinings about everyday life, and how terrible I feel. These people are majority male. I'd put the male female ratio at 7.5:2.5. I don't know why but sometimes I feel more at ease to pour out my problems to my male friends. maybe because they are older and can give me better advice, or more encouragement. Also because problem sharing sessions with females more often than not would turn into a huge gossiping session which I really hate when I'm like so dying. These male friends usually see me as pessimistic, emotional and things along those lines.

The third layer of friends are the friends that come with me from way back. We have a bond that might be loosening, but they know me, they know what I was like, what I am, and what I will be. The male female ratio, 1:9. I don't go to them with my problems anymore because we are all busy with our own stuff and I don't want them to worry about me when they've got their own stuff to worry about. These people see me as a determined girl, who really knows her way around. Really, I didn't manage to get my SEP to Germany without really having decent standard.

To bring in the Ladder Theory, I don't think I really apply to that theory cos well, basically I used to be a one ladder girl, but after my rough patch, much changed, I don't know if I've really got two ladders in me, but at least I can say that I've more than one ladder in me, and I don't know which ladder is for which. This rough patch really is screwing myself up. Before I can sort myself out and figure out what is my direction, I need to get over with my rough patch.

PS: This is a long long post. 3521 words excluding the postscript. But that's not the point. Is that I was already almost done with writing this post when my post disappeared and I had to retype everything again. I wasn't really at 3521 words, but I think there should already have been more than 3000 words then it disappeared, so I'm not really in a very good mood now. And if you spot missings or weird links in my blog, it means that I've forgotten whether I wrote it in the previous post or wrote it earlier in the entry. My trend of thought a bit scattered le, can't really remember which I wrote and which I haven't.

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Fell Made Patched

What am I doing at 5.45am? I'm reflecting on what happened the day before. Yes, I'm not sleeping. I don't know what good would it do to me, or if it'd do me any good at all, but I feel really as if I'm on this emotional roller coaster ride. So many things are happening to me all at the same time.

In a span of a couple of hours, I had managed to fall out with a close friend of mine, someone whom I am really really grateful to; I managed to make a new friends, this whole group of really fun and cool people; and I also managed to patch things up with another friend I fell out with last week.


It started out as Joan went about her usual grousings. Recently Joan really had more and more new things to grouse about, especially what happened this morning. Joan really wanted a listening ear, but Joan also knew that her friends are not obliged to lend their listening ears to her, so now Joan can only turn to her blog. For more details on Joan's grouses, can visit her msn spaces, every entry after July is about her damned rough patch.

As you know, when Joan starts grousing, she starts rambling, and sometimes she rambles without even process what's her thoughts and say what she feels like saying. This happened again this afternoon. Joan was with her dear friend and she started mumbling cos of her rough patch again. I think her friend did not realise that Joan was already losing in and poked in a really irritating comment to her. That did it, all her pent up frustrations that her rough patch built up in her fell upon her poor friend. At first she hadn't intended her actions to be that serious. She thought that her friend would pull her back and they can both laugh about it, after all they are both actors, what's with a little acting and playing. But that wasn't the case. Her friend did not do anything to pull her back and Joan just had to storm off just like that.

So Joan went to this little corner and started to reflect about her friendship with her friend. Was that relationship based on friendship and trust? I don't think so. If it was then he should know that Joan was only joking, maybe in fact we didn't really have the rapport that everybody thought we had. What started out as a joke turned real. I started to have real reasons to have flared up over him. And as he never once tried to call me back, I gave up le.

I ignored him for the rest of the day. I think I'll continue to ignore him until something else happens. Well, he did try to apologise, but apology is not something which I want. His actual words to me was a "sorry" and "thank you". Those are the most damning things you can ever say to a friend. As my nicks says, what I want most is a "you okay anot?" If he did say that to me, I think I'd melt in his arms, but he didn't, and I'm not going to force him to do, so I continued to ignore him.

I don't regret what I did, but I really regret what happened. He was really a close close friend. This reminds me of what happened between me and Zihui when we were in JC. It was during Maths lecture and we started teasing each other, the tease flared up and we started hissing at each other then it blew out of proportions. We didn't talk at the end of the day, but unlike then, my expectations of this friend is different from what I expected of Zihui. I cleared up with Zihui as we both came to the consensus that we were both joking, but for this friend, yes, although it started out as a joke, I had not end it as a joke.

Why am I so stubborn?

He was always telling me to watch my temper, and I always had assured him that I would not flare up in such an unprofessional way, but still, I couldn't control it...


The past two days, I've been meeting up with this group of pseudo-annonymous friends. I'm part of an online forum group and for the past two days I've been meeting up with the other barflies. Meeting them up in real life is totally different from communicating with them online. I had originally joined the forum group as a form of escape. My real life problems, ie my rough patch, was really weighing down on me and for a moment, this forum thingie really made me forget that I'm close to breaking down.

I met up with some girls on Friday night first at Suntec's Marche. Pictures first, then I shall comment about other stuff later...

winter and xxoos

nadnut and frenie

xxoos and missy

nadnut and xxoos

xxoos and frenie

winter and missy

missy and frenie

winter, missy, frenie, xxoos

I think by now everyone reading my blog here would know who's xxoos ba... If you don't then I don't think I know you, right? Cos everyone I know who reads my blog is on my MSN, so if you know me, but not on my MSN, don't mind adding me to MSN, look at link beside. Or if you are reading my blog, I think you'd have read a previous post.
Then you should know. Oh, but I've changed the quote after my nick to: "friends aren't supposed to say "sorry" or "thank you"... instead, a "wei... you okay anot?" would be more approriate..." The previous was something you'd said, the present is something directed to you... hai...



I'm so proud of it that I think I shall put it by the side. But not today, today too tired liao le la... haha~ So the barflies labelled me as a cam whore. With the 3.13gig of photos I took in a month in Germany, I'm denying anything, but well, there are also tie when I don't like taking pictures, that's when I feel damn tired and ugly. I'm just vain. Then SG asked me, why all my photos, my face would tilt down and my eyes would look up. Well, hahaha~ That's the standard pose for the kawaii Jap school girls when taking neoprints. Also like to thank SG for help me do some pretty interesting stuff. Wanna see them, MSN me! Nad helped me take a set of my a dozen poses and another one of me teaching brennan do that set. Pretty cool~ Brennan is so cute! But he's so young... Too young until a bit scary le.

It really nice meeting everybody in real life. Some people are really different in real life and online, but they are still nice people nonetheless. For me, at least these are a good distraction from my rough patch. I really do have to move on with life.


I patched up with a friend I had a misunderstanding with. For the past whole I didn't see him online. My first guess was that he was avoiding me, especially over what had happened between us, but just now he was waiting for me online, waiting to hear my problems, waiting to be there for me again. It's really a very good feeling to know that when all else fails, at least there is still a someone there. I was really afraid that I was losing all my friends especially what happened to my first said friend in this entry.

Well, this misunderstanding I had with this friend was over the position of me and his girlfriend. You know the feeling when your good friend gets attached and everything changes. He can no longer treat you the same as before because of that her somewhere around and jokes between you guys have to be tamed down to suit the listening for that her, who is always there. Then as the two of them gets closer, you suddenly feel like your friend seems no longer like a friend to you anymore.

And it doesn't help if you vent out your frustrations on him over the smallest matter. Can't believe that after this misunderstanding I made a similar mistake with the first said friend again.

Sometime the slightest things said by our friends can be picked up easily by us and we feel very good about it. I like the way this friend puts things across, he never fails to make me feel good about myself. Okay, not exactly never fail, but at least, most of the time, and just now he was back to his best. Simple things can also really touch my heart and make me feel good. The way with him is that as he talks he'll address me and that's something that I really like. I use them often too, when I'm being really sincerely or when I'm determined to put my words across, and it's really effective. So I sensed the sincerity with him, simple things like, "I leave it to you joan", or a "joan, you know..." It really makes me very comfortable.

To keep some lines alive in my memory...

"why?..what happened?"
I like people to prompt me when I want to talk about my problems. I don't want to put my friends in a spot and make them fel obliged to listen to all my problems. If my friends don't prompt me, I would feel like they don't really want to listen to me, and I wouln't want to talk about it anymore. The sian 1/2 feeling...

"but what's on ur mind tonite?"
Another prompt question. Another sign that he is sincerely there ready to listen to me. But I didn't pour out everything to him cos I was pretty fine last night.

"u wanna talk abt it?"
I like a relentless friend because sometimes I'm really shy about saying things out and I really need to be prompted to finally open my golden mouth.

"if u need to talk i am here.."
A word of assurance. Something I really need.

"never meant it to hurt u.."
I don't know why but this tugged my heart.

"but u know what..i wished that guy didn't have that much impact on u.. it pains me to hear he is making u feel that way.."
He's one of the few people who knows almos the whole story about about my rough patch. This sentence not only expresses our bond, my comfort in seeking him for my problems, but also his wish and hope that he really wanted my life to be better. I think all good friends would want the best life for their friends.

"i mean..i think u r a great gal.. u r beautiful, intelligent..."
Compliments are always great. But not fake compliments, true bottom from the heart ones. I liked the way he used a think in his compliment. Usually a think would make the compliment less like a compliment because of the uncertainty, but the way he used it seemed to express more sincerity than uncertainty.

"i really do care for u..."
Friends do care~

"u r really a girl that is strong .... can really kick ass when need to"
Another compliment. And one which recognises the fact that I'm not that whiny girl most people have come to see me as after all my rough patches invaded my emotional self.

The thing was that yesterday I was also being harsh on him. I was shouting at him not to use words like "thank you" and "sorry", but "sorry"s were kept spewing from his mouth until I got really fed up, but he endured me. I really want to say a big "thank you" to him but I'm not going to, I can't contradict myself, can I? Besides, the use of "thank you"s and "sorry"s seem too formal for use between friends.

Friends can be really casual with each other, and I think that's what friendship is all about, the rapport and understanding~

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Picking Up Some Pieces

Yesterday was another fruitful day. Fruitful as in I gave myself no time to wallow up in any form of self-pity and not let my rough patch affect me in any way or so. This is a good thing.

To chronicle my yesterday, I start off with rushing off for an 8am lecture which was still pretty okay. During my lecture, at exactly 9am sharp, I took out my lappie and logged in to CORS. Everything seemed perfectly fine, until I got to choosing my slots, the server was unavailable. I almost freaked out. But after pressing the refresh button, I got to be able to rank my choices.

Then the server became unavailable again.

Then it remained unavailable all the way until my lecture ended at 10am, and I still continued waiting while squatting outside AS1 where the smokers gathered and inhaled in stale cigarette while whining and freaking and crying out to everyone online. People came to help me of course. Thanks to MG, NG, UMB and all those online who had tried to help me. Not the use of tried cos we hadn't achieved much. My batt was running low, I needed to run over to the bank to get my certificate of financial resources. And then yup, my batt died on me.

Then appeared my fairy godmother. Sorry NG, you might be mica's god, but without my batt, I had to seek help from someone not dealing with IT, and that was my fairy godmother. ALways there to help me out of tight spots. Listen to me whine and cry about my rough patch, having to endure all my pains and not telling me off. And also as my "ATM machine" (that's how he puts it) "don't need deposit, withdraw can liao le". Fairy godmother managed to get his tutorial ballotings through, and he helped me get mine through too!

Okay, back on the chronicles of yesterday. I went to think bank and got the person to help me request for that certificate thingie. And if you are thinking, yes I do have the bloody cash so come rob me... bleahz... I might be prerennially indebted to my fairy godmother, or atm, or whoever, but in fact i'm just a lazy old pig who thinks the atms are too far off away. Actually I have two accounts. One for storing money which I don't have an atm card for for that particular reason, and another for withdrawing money. The latter has only $198 in the bank, which is not really a bad thing because I've been showing everyone my receipt and I know no one would want to rob me. They can't rob me for the other account cos there's no way they can get the money from there. The account is frozen. So actually, I'm not really that rich after all...

After coming back from the bank, I tried to find computers but couldn't. So I met up witht he girls for lunch. woohoo~ Yingling bought me a handphone accessory from Japan, I got her erm... nothing much from Germany, but it's okay, come next july when I get back she'll def have a big gift provided she's still around la... haha~ Talked about the old days with the girls. To those who don't know, Ms Leong cut her hair "funkily short" and spiked it and she looks younger than me. Then I hung out with Eunice before going for the European Studies Society welcome tea.

I went there only because Dr Turner sort of coerced me into going. He told me to go there and meet exchanged students and students who had just came back from exchange programme in preparation for mt upcoming trip. It was sort of a fruitful trip down to the welcome tea although I won't really be devoting that much time to the society, but I think their events that they are organising are quite cool. I met this guy, who came back from Heidelberg (the seond one le! not fair), and another guy going to Paris. This Finnish guy who's supposed to be a computer nerd but he looks damn funky lor~ along with his pierced eye brow... An enigmatic Scandiniavian. I also chatted with these two freshies, told them about my course of study, gave them some tips. Made me feel so damn old.

The day ended with me so satisfied with myself. My rough patch turned up again in the afternoon, yet I was able to take it up put it down and carry on with life. This is good. In fact, it's better than good. All the new friends I've made, all the old friends I still keep, and a fairy godmother, I don't really think I need another rough patch.

Picking up the pieces, carrying on with life... I was in the lift last night, and I said this to myself, "Joan! Yes, you can do it!" I know I can. I'm stronger than I let on.

And CORS, screw you, I got all of my first choice tutorials, will be on with a three day week this semester, but I still hate you for causing that much distress. And NG, if you ever dare "flicker a few switches", I'll make sure when i turn into a ghost I'll haunt you till never dare touch a computer anymore. So what if mica calls you god... bleahz... hehe~

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Freiburg Noch Einmal

nice picture of everything including a frame by the leaves

Come April, if nothing goes wrong, I'll be back there again!

At first, my first choice was Heidelberg, second was Munich, Freiburg was only my third choice, so when I got Freiburg, I was a tingie little bit upset and disappointed, but really, thinking it through again, going back to Freiburg would mean all these once more again!

Europa Park~
I so want to go back there again, this time going for all the rides if possible, and take more photos, and spend more time there...

Haagan Daz, Movenpick, really who cares when I can have PORTOFINO!!!

And with the reliable German train system, I can always take the train to Heidelberg, Frankfurt, Stutgart, or even to Munich, no problem. World Cup matches~ wahaha~ I can also go down to France, Switz, Italy without much problem too. This is so great~

Because of the preparation of this thing, I've been pretty busy. I'm sorry those people who've seen me around in school and want to stop and chat with me only to hear me say, "sorry, I'm in a hurry". Last week I was busy getting the application through, read
but this week, got the results of my application so got to run errands again...

The letter came in on a Friday, and it reads...

Dear Student,
We are pleased to inform you that you have been selected by the Faculty of Arts & Social Sciences for the Student Exchange Programme (SEP) to the Assigned Partner University (stated against your name).

Please refer to the 'Selection Results for SEP, Semester 2, AY2005-06' available online at the Faculty's SEP website Check the results carefully as you may be selected under the University/Faculty/Departmental-wide selection list.

You must inform us by Monday 15 August 2005, 12noon, if you would like to accept this offer by replying to this email. If we do not receive your confirmation, we will assume that you do not wish to take up this SEP offer.

If you accept this offer, your next step would be to apply to and prepare the documents needed for the Assigned Partner University immediately. Please prepare the following documents and submit to the Dean's Office latest by Friday 19 August 2005, 5:00PM.

Item 1-3 should be applied ASAP as it will take a few working days for the offices to process your request.

Original NUS Transcript: You have to apply for the transcript from the Registrar’s Office; either personally or online through the Registrar’s Office website at Do not send your transcripts directly to the partner university.

Certification of Financial Resource: This certification must be a letter from a bank. If your parent(s) are sponsoring you for the SEP, the letter should state your parent(s) name, your name and the amount in the account. A copy of the balance statement is not acceptable.
You are advised to check the partner university’s website for estimated cost details. If it is not provided, the financial resources required are subject to the country and local conditions at the partner university - this may range from approximately S$10,000 to S$15,000 per semester.
A sample of the certification is available at
Note: This is only a sample. Banks do have their own format so it is not necessary to follow this exact sample, but all important details must be stated.
Students receiving scholarship/award for SEP must also provide the certification of financial resources.

3. Original Endorsement Letter for SEP from Scholarship Awarding Organisation: Only applicable if you have a scholarship/award (i.e. MOE Teaching Award etc…)
A sample of the endorsement letter is available at Note: This is only a sample. Organisations will have their own format so it is not necessary to follow this exact sample.

4. Copy of your 'A' level certificates (result slips not accepted). Please print double-sided (front & back). 5. 2 Letters of Recommendation: Letters written by family, relatives or friends will not be accepted. At least one of the two referees must be a lecturer/tutor in NUS.

6. Assigned Partner University’s application: Please come to the Dean’s Office to collect the application forms of the partner university. Check the partner university’s website for more details & information.

7. Passport Particulars Page: If you had renewed your passport expiry date, please also make a copy of the new expiry date.

8. Any other documents/information required by the partner university (additional photographs, additional copies of the forms, resume etc…)

Important Notes
Students are reminded to read carefully the Instructions & Conditions for the SEP (especially 'Responsibilities')
Read the notice on Maximum Number of Credit Transfer for SEP students:
Cohort 2004 onwards Cohort 2001-2003
Read the FAQ (Overseas SEP) as well as the Tips for students going on SEP

If you have any enquiries, please email them to Ms Rona Foo (Faculty SEP Administrator) at
Sharon Lee National University of Singapore l Faculty of Arts & Social Sciences, Dean's Office Tel: 68746331 l Fax: 67766010 l Email:

Note, they sent this letter on a Friday and expect us to have everything ready by the next Friday. This should explain my frenzied hurry everytime people see me around the school ba...

The running about came on Monday. I had lessons at 10am, but was up and about at 9am printing notes and sending emails to my professors and trying to call up TJC. Then I rushed off for classes, the 10am lecture ended late so I had to rush off for my 12pm German class, then later went over to meet Dr Turner, then to the Dean's Office, and the Registra's Office, on the way I was lucky to meet Prof Farrell, and managed to call up Mr Thompson, before having another class at 4pm which I was 15 min late for.

One whole day I had not manage to get a single crumb of anything nor a single drop of anything into my mouth, but thankfully, Jinwei managed to help me not only to chope a place (if not I'd have to squat on the floor) and get me some food, just a pity he didn't have any water, if not he'd be my god for the rest of the day.

Then today I went down to TJ again to get Mr Thompson to write me a recommendation letter. Met Ms Leong and Ms Lim and Xu Laoshi there too. Ms Leong had cut her hair really short and funky, making her look much younger than her real age. Ms Lim sends her regards to everybody... yup... Feel so nice and cool going back and catching up with the teachers again. Nothing seems to have changed much, and I love it that way~

Now, looking forward to more things that have not changed, Portofino and Europa Park~

Friday, August 12, 2005






This brings me back to my log theory with Jinwei. He told me not look look for logs to help me float in the big big ocean, but to swim to shore and hug onto a tree. But I'm too tired to swim anymore le.
Maybe I shouldn't care about logs or what. Just sink down to the ocean bed and rest forever. A nice big bed to catch some rest on...

一个人的我依然会微笑 and 爱笑的眼睛








如果不是那镜子不想你 不藏秘密
我还不肯相信没有你我的笑 更美丽
那天听你在电话里 略带抱歉的关心
我嘟的一声切的比你说分手 彻底

泪湿的衣洗干净 阳光里晒干回忆
折好了伤心明天起只和快乐 出去
这爱的城市虽然拥挤 如果真的遇见你
你不必讶异 我的笑她无法代替

离开你我才发现自己 那爱笑的眼睛
流过泪 像躲不过的暴风雨 淋湿的昨天删去
离开你我才找回自己 那爱笑的眼睛
再见爱情 我一定让自己 让自己决定

离开你我才发现自己 那爱笑的眼睛
流了泪 当一个人看旧电影 是我不小心而已
离开你我才找回自己 那爱笑的眼睛
再见到你 我一定让自己 让自己坚定

离开你我才发现自己 那爱笑的眼睛
流过泪 像躲不过的暴风雨 淋湿的昨天忘记
离开你我才找回自己 那爱笑的眼睛
再见爱情 我一定让自己 让自己 坚定

再见到你 我一定让自己 假装很 坚定

I was given the second song when I commented that the first song was pretty similar. Well, that basically say the state I am in right now, or the state which I would want to believe I am in right now. Apparently still coping fine, but you can still catch the traces of despair somewhere or another.

I shook my head and buried it.
subtext: “委屈?当然会委屈啦。但没办法呀。你就不要委屈我咯。”

"I don't know. Maybe I should stop all this shit."
I shook my head and said no.
subtext: "I'm already this deep into it. Have you considered if I wanted to stop? No..."

"Don't apologise. It's not your fault. I let myself into this mess."
subtext: "Fuck you! Sorry no cure lor..."

Que Sera Sera

When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother what will I be
Will I be pretty
Will I be rich
Here's what she said to me

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera
What will be will be

When I was just a child in school
I asked my teacher what shall I try
Should I paint pictures
Should I sing songs
This was her wise reply

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera
What will be will be

When I grew up and fell in love
I asked my lover
What lies ahead
Will we have rainbows day after day
Here's what my lover's said

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera
What will be will be

Now I have children of my own
They ask their mother what will they be
Will they be pretty
Will they be rich
I tell them tenderly

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera
What will be will be

I have enough of all these. I don't want a future, I don't want my present, and my past is coming back to haunt. I need something else. I need nothing.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

"peace for our time"

3 days after I keyed in my login number and password, I finally walked out of AS7 waving a white piece of paper to myself. I felt like Chamberlain walking out of his airplane with that so called peace treaty in his hand, waving to his people "securing peace for our time". Yup, what I secured was only a short term assurance. For a short term assurance I killed 3 days of my life, wonder what would follow next...

The story started on the day the wonderful National University of Singapore decided to internetise everything... So, this Overseas Programme Application was to be made online, ONLY. And as with everything the almighty(not) Internet has to give, this online application basically just screwed me left right centre.

Okay, I admit I was also at fault. The online application was opened from Thursday to Monday morning, and as you know Joan, she procrastinated. She logged in on Saturday and wanted to do that application but she procrastinated cos it just looked too tedious. She tried it again on Sunday, and that was when everything went wrong. I tried uploading a beautiful picture of my online but it failed, think it was because I was too pretty le, but that's not the point. The point was that every time I clicked on continue, I'd get a "cannot find server" error page. And refreshing the page made me lose all my details and I HAD TO WRITE THEM OUT ALL OVER AGAIN!!!

I tried for 3 times before giving up and waiting for half an hour before trying it again. I tried it this time without uploading my picture, and it got through, to the next page.


I encountered another problem in the next page. Under department I'm under, I couldn't find my department, European Studies. So I skipped that and proceeded and filled everything up. Then I clicked on continue, BUT I GOT ANOTHER ERROR MESSAGE which I don't even know what is the error about. I tried refreshing the page. Luckily this time round what I've typed, which was a lot a lot more than the previous page, was saved, by cookies I think. I better thank them by buying a couple more Famous Amos this month. I tried all I could do but I kept getting that error message. I even tried waiting a long long time again before sending it over, but it was all not of any use.

In my frettered haste, I composed emails to the IRO, International Relations Office, my department, European Studies, under the Office of Programmes, and my department head, Dr Turner. But of course, it was a Sunday, no one would reply me. And more so it was because it was midnight so obviously waiting was no use anymore.

I woke up the next day at 8am and went to the Office of Programmes but it was closed. It would only be opened at 8.30am. These lazy bums, work so late, make me wait, but what to do, I'm at their mercy... wahaha~ I went back at 8.30am and the clerk there told me that I shoud be approaching the Dean's Office for help in SEP matters, and directed me to go there. I went there. The wait there was so bureaucratic. I was to approach one clerk and she would find someone to assist me, and the office looked reasonable empty at that time of the day... Lazy office people~ I bet those who went early were hanging out online somewhere.

So, she told me to send a hard copy of my application to my department by 2.30pm that afternoon after much deliberation. She actually told me to go off first and later told me that through a phone call. hmm... But I was having class, so I could only do that after my class.

After my class, I received an email from Dr Turner telling me to go look for him immediately. He's the head of my department, he was the biggest, so I ran off to look for him immediately. I ran to his office far far away, forgetting my cap in the meantime. Dr Turner was great and told me what I should be doing and directed me to be filling up my study plans. So he dismissed away to get my study plans done then look for him before 3pm that same day. The time then, was 12.30pm. So I ran back to the computer lab and picked up my cap and proceeded with my study plans.

These study plans sucked big time cos the websites for the universities I was applying to weren't systematic, and they weren't in English. Freak... I tried to get up a somewhat decent study plan by 2.15pm and decided that the longer I stayed in the computer lab the more pek cek I'd get. So I gathered what I have and went to look for Dr Turner, also with the 2.30pm deadline on mind.

Apparently, according to Dr Turner, I wasn't looking in the right place for the module information. So we tried to look for stuff online and try to decipher the German. Along the way, another girl applying for a French exchange came by and she too had some problems she needed to settle with Dr Turner, but her problems weren't as serious as mine. And another guy who had just finished his exchanged came by. And to my benefit, he had just came back from Heidelberg, exactly where I wanted to head for and he gave me the proper webbie which I should be looking at for modules.

Apparently that might look as though it was sloving problems, but it was now 3.30pm and Dr Turner was heading off for a lecture and couldn't assist me any more. Armed with the hard copies of my application form, he directed me to Vani in the Office of Programmes.

I went back there to submit my forms, and before she could do anything about them, she told me apologitically that she was rushing for a meeting. So, she directed me to the Dean's Office to submit my forms. I went back to the Dean's Office, where I first started out in my trail. And interestingly enough, the Dean's Office refused to do anything for me, saying that there was no way they could help me because I was lacking a certain endorsement, and where would I be needing to get it from? Vani and Dr Turner.


If this was a Chinese drama serial, *thunder and lightning*.

I was so pissed that I just left a note with Vani and left the school. The stupid thing about this whole rushed thingie, the next day was a public holiday.

But I almost gave up all hope le. Really, at the most I'll have to go in my third year first semester lor. But an hour ago, I received a call from Vani calling me to go down to the Office of Programmes and submit that damned application online again. I was to go down to the Office cos they had technicians on hand and basically would be able to solve all technical problems.

After much waiting and waiting, I finally was able to emerge out of the Office with that white piece of paper in my hand, thus "securing peace for (my) time". But as history went about, Chamberlain did not really managed to secure peace, and the picture of him waving that white piece of paper became the biggest irony of WWII. Until I get the results of my application, I guess I'd have peace, but well, if I fail to garner my SEP, I'd be going through the hassles of appeal and godknowswhat paperwork, online and offline, and if I get my SEP, well, visa and more module planning will basically revert me back to my dishevelled state.

Until then, I think the NUS system of making everything online plain sucks. I'm not complaining of them putting everything online cos I too believe internet makes life easier, but if they want to put things up online, hell make sure that those things work! And not screw up my day just like that. And they should alwaus have a back up plan. So much for the top university bragging.

Tired Girl

I'm so so tired... So many things have happened that I don't know where to start. Think I shall state chronologically what happened first ba...

1. Got a french manicure.
2. Met up with the dance girls from way back.
3. Applied for SEP and got fucked by the horrendous bureaucratic system of NUS.
4. Not enough sleep.
5. National Day.
6. My mum's birthday.
7. More rehearsals for Oriental Suite.

I'm too tired to blog, so I'll first add in a couple of photos then decide if i'm still tired to continue with my blogging anot. hehe~







I don't know if you noticed, but I really look in a pretty bad shape. Not enough sleep is getting into me. And with the problems of my rough patch coming back to haunt me every two minutes, I can't really have a good rest. Also tired out myself working on my SEP application, really, if application only was this bad, I can't imagine the paper work that follows man... And not only that, I've this whole lot of Chinese Drama stuff to do. And throw in helping of the ding-dings with their welcome tea and stuff.

I seem to am busying myself to numb me from my rough patch, but the thing about the numbing is that when I'm not busy, the pain comes back in full force. Numbing is a short term answer to my problem, the long term one is well, i know what my friends are going to say, but i'll still say my long term plan is to come to terms with it and live with it. I know a lot of my friends won't know what I'm talking about. Visit here ba It wasn't on purpose that I chronicled all about my rough patch in my space, but I felt that my space isn't the same as my blog. My space is a bit more personal, and I can indulge in a bit of self-pitying. And more importantly, my space is directed to something in particular, well, at least from jul onwards it is so.

I'm too tired to continue. Need to sleep. Had an 8am lecture this morning. wtf... On a lighter note, Happy Birthday Mii~
Mii n me
Forgive the 80s hair and specs my marmii has on, but it was 17 years ago, right set in the heart of the 80s so she has all the right to wear it like that, if you aren't happy with the 80s fashion, 17 years down the road, I'll take out ur old pics and laugh at them... wahaha~

Friday, August 05, 2005

My Nick -- Explained

Quite a number of people have been commenting on my MSN nick recently. hai... Maybe I should give a brief explaination about it, then maybe people reading this can know me better. Then again, so what if you know me better? Maybe I just want to justify myself...

My MSN nick is divided into three parts, the first being "xxoos".

What does xxoos mean? Why am I using that? Well, I started using xxoos last month in conjunction with my rough patch. Yes, everyone's been hearing a lot about my rough patch but few really know what my rough patch is about, and I think all those who know about my rough patch don't read my blog. hmm... I think only 3 friends know about my rough patch, two definitely (?) don't.

I started using xxoos as a sign off in emails and letters in place of hugs and kisses. But de facto, x would represent kisses, o hugs and s a tongue. I started using it in place of jal, jal4eva, jal5eva because I'm in this identity crisis. Am I jal4eva or jal5eva? jal? It doesn't really say much about me, other than my initials. I decided that xxoos could represent me better. Not as in represent represent, but it reflect what I want, what makes me for what I am. I'm but a deprived girl. Especially with my rough patch in mind, xxoos serves as a self consolation, maybe, or a self indulgence, possibly.

The next part of my nick would be the five Chinese characters after xxoos, 浮萍随逝水. Simply, the fuping means ripple, shishui means flowing water. But of course, if Joan really uses something that simple, she isn't Joan, so I shall decipher the nick slowly, layer by layer.

The whole line fuping sui shishui at first glance would mean a ripple being washed away by the flowing water, but fuping is a pun on my Chinese name, so it also means like a floating Joan is being washed away by the flowing water. If you put in my rough patch into the picture, the shishui would symbolise what I'm going through now. As with the fuping, the force of the shishui flowing is too strong for me to have a mind of my own and control myself from not flowing with the water. And as we all know, what happens after a ripple gets washed away is that it disappears, same with Joan, she's losing ground le. It won't take much longer before Joan finally cracks.

Analysing the Chinese words further, shi has a death connotation, and shui or water has an emotive connotation, besides the ping too has a water connotation other than being a pun with my name, so these symbolises Joan's emotional state undergoing such an unheaval that death seems to loom. Or rather, you might also be able to put it that, Joan has been so emotionally scarred that she's as good as dead. For fu, as we are know dead fishes would float to the top of the water. Joan being a pisces is symbolised as the two fishes. And thus when she dies, she'd float. Yes, so now you can picture a dead floating Joan being washed away by the water because she's been emotionally killed.

Next is the quotation I am using. The quotation after my nick says "you ask "let's compare the scars, i'll tell you who's worse", then you say "i dont want compare with you, you'r definitely worse"". There is a long story behind this quote.

This you is a friend of mine. It started out with him adding the quote "let's compare the scars, i'll tell you who's worse" after his nick. I thought of my rough patch, so I questioned him if he really wanted to compare scars. He is one of the people who knows about my rough patch, so staright after I questioned him he said the next quote "i don't want to compare with you, you'r definitely worse". I felt very weird. He said such a thing so condescendingly that I feel even worse about my rough patch. But it's okay le la...

I put it with my nick because maybe I'm feeling a bit self-indulgent and self-pity ba. I never really thanked my friend other than irritating him even more, but I'm really very grateful to my friend whom I poured all my problems to. I think if I'd stuff them all in me I'd probably die of over-stuffing. That little reference to the "you" in the quote serves as a little tribute to my dear friend. hahaha~

Yup... If you can't imagine how do I put my quote, can take a look at me on MSN. I'm really quite screwed.

Loki contacted me via MSN correcting my explanation. Apparantly, my understanding of Chinese is not as good as I'd thought.

[11:05:44 PM] loki: 'fu ping' is not ripples
[11:05:50 PM] - xxoos - : then?
[11:06:08 PM] loki: 'fu ping'... if i'm not wrong... is actually a kind of plant that floats on water[11:06:24 PM] - xxoos - : then what are ripples?
[11:06:37 PM] loki: ripples are 'lian yi'
[11:06:56 PM] - xxoos - : wah...
[11:06:58 PM] - xxoos - : heck la
[11:07:01 PM] loki: 'fu ping sui shi shui' actually means the plant is swayed by the flowing water
[11:07:20 PM] loki: it explains a sense of being forced or controlled by the environmrnt
[11:07:34 PM] loki: aiyah... it's still quite meaningful anyway
[11:07:48 PM] - xxoos - : okok

Being forced or controlled by the environment. Being forced or controlled by my rough patch and stifling myself until i'm choking. Rough patch... It's okay, I'm still a masochist, I still enjoy being forced and controlled by you, and get myself all stifled up and choked up.

Was Heißt ein Kindergarten?

I was going home with the father the other day. He drove past this as we were heading into our house and after seeing the below scene, he made a comment to me.

This in different angles...




The father commented, "Isn't it a huge waste of space to have this big patch of land here?" As can see in the background, this piece of land can be considered to be situated in a prime area, of course, that piece of land would be very expensive and valuable if a developer would to catch his eye upon, but I disagreed with the father's view that that patch of land was a waste and commente indignantly.

"No! That's not a huge waste, for kids to run around and play and learn and grow up and cultivate creativity, that little piece of land is worth it. I even think that that piece of land is not big enough for the kids to explore in. If you see the kindergardens in Germany..." and I went on.

In Germany there is this sort of kindergardens where kids go to during the summer holidays, they call it der Weltkindergarten, a kind of kindergarden held usually in the middle of the woods. Children are to roam free in the woods learning about life and nature and looks for little little "treasures" by themselves and are taught how to take care of it. Then they would sit around a fire and sing and dance happily. There is not such thing as tests or exams or spellings or dictations for the kids. No books, no pens, if they want to write, they grab a twig and scratch on the ground. Life was carefree and easy for them. And I think can really learn a lot from that sort of education. At least they were learning and not studying.

I was lucky that when I was in Germany, one of my friend's host brought us to the Weltkindergarten his daughter was with. Here are some pictures...

the actual "room" for the class is a wagon situated in the middle of the woods, but according to Rheiner, the kids don't usually stay in the wagon unless it rains, usually the kids are exploring outside or playing in the woods.


Just a long rope tied onto a tree can amuse a kid for one whole day. Don't even need swings or anything and viola... I really regret having weak arm muscles and can't hold myself up on the rope to swing.

But at least I was once there. And even though I can't experience the kindergarden there and can see how kids grow up first hand. It was really an eye opener.

After seeing how much space a kid can have in Germany, an entire forest no less (!), what's with that little yicky garden in the middle of a private housing estate?

But of course, things come with a price. Rheiner did say that that sort of Kindergarten were more expensive than the normal ones kids go to regularly, but I'd think that the long term benefits do make that investment worthwhile. Even in Singapore, I can say that that Kindergarden above is definitely more expensive that the pathetic PAPs in HDB estates, the kind of kindergardens which teaches kids to study study study until they all end up with spectacles on the faces when they enter primary school.

Is PAP a kindergarden? This brings back to my title, what is a kindergarden?

Kindergarden came from the German term Kindergarten, which would mean a garden for the children. May I know where is the garden in our PAPs? I think there is this government conspiracy of the government wanting to making Singapore into the country will a 100% myopic rate, so they train the kids in the government kindergardens to be studious little mice and turn them geeky. I'd never want my kid to turn out like that.

But it seems like decent kindergardens are only situated in private housing estate. I'm not complaining since I'm staying there too, and I don't think I'll want to move into a HDB estate one day, but I really pity the average Singaporeans, they'd be stuck in this vicious cycle of the education system.

Rich kids get to go to private kindergardens, poor kids end up in PAP. Rich kids grow up to be smarter than poor kids and they become richer while poor kids become poor adults. Rich adults have rich kids, poor adults have poor kids. Rich adult sends rich kid back to a private kindergarden, poor adult sends poor kid back to PAP. But the education system is not only about kindergardens. Rich kids go to good primary schools, poor kids go to neighbourhood primary schools. Rich kid grows up smart and rich, poor kid remains poor. Rich adult sends rich kids back to his primary school which poor kid cannot get in because there is not enough space in the good primary school.

I think this primary school system is also a form of elitism. By letting your child have priority in returning to your primary school is like congregating all the smart and rich kids together. But this also makes the school successful. No, I'm not complaining since I came from Tao Nan School, and I'm 100% sure that my child will enter that school when he is six, but I just pity the average Singaporean.

Kids from good primary schools end up in good secondary schools and kids from good secondary schools end up in good junior colleges and kids from good junior colleges end up in university and kids from universities end up getting a good job and kids with good jobs end up getting richer, and rich kids procreate to get more rich kids...

But then again, dear uncle Harry is a staunch elitist ain't he?