Quite a number of people have been commenting on my MSN nick recently. hai... Maybe I should give a brief explaination about it, then maybe people reading this can know me better. Then again, so what if you know me better? Maybe I just want to justify myself...
My MSN nick is divided into three parts, the first being "xxoos".
What does xxoos mean? Why am I using that? Well, I started using xxoos last month in conjunction with my rough patch. Yes, everyone's been hearing a lot about my rough patch but few really know what my rough patch is about, and I think all those who know about my rough patch don't read my blog. hmm... I think only 3 friends know about my rough patch, two definitely (?) don't.
I started using xxoos as a sign off in emails and letters in place of hugs and kisses. But de facto, x would represent kisses, o hugs and s a tongue. I started using it in place of jal, jal4eva, jal5eva because I'm in this identity crisis. Am I jal4eva or jal5eva? jal? It doesn't really say much about me, other than my initials. I decided that xxoos could represent me better. Not as in represent represent, but it reflect what I want, what makes me for what I am. I'm but a deprived girl. Especially with my rough patch in mind, xxoos serves as a self consolation, maybe, or a self indulgence, possibly.
The next part of my nick would be the five Chinese characters after xxoos, 浮萍随逝水. Simply, the fuping means ripple, shishui means flowing water. But of course, if Joan really uses something that simple, she isn't Joan, so I shall decipher the nick slowly, layer by layer.
The whole line fuping sui shishui at first glance would mean a ripple being washed away by the flowing water, but fuping is a pun on my Chinese name, so it also means like a floating Joan is being washed away by the flowing water. If you put in my rough patch into the picture, the shishui would symbolise what I'm going through now. As with the fuping, the force of the shishui flowing is too strong for me to have a mind of my own and control myself from not flowing with the water. And as we all know, what happens after a ripple gets washed away is that it disappears, same with Joan, she's losing ground le. It won't take much longer before Joan finally cracks.
Analysing the Chinese words further, shi has a death connotation, and shui or water has an emotive connotation, besides the ping too has a water connotation other than being a pun with my name, so these symbolises Joan's emotional state undergoing such an unheaval that death seems to loom. Or rather, you might also be able to put it that, Joan has been so emotionally scarred that she's as good as dead. For fu, as we are know dead fishes would float to the top of the water. Joan being a pisces is symbolised as the two fishes. And thus when she dies, she'd float. Yes, so now you can picture a dead floating Joan being washed away by the water because she's been emotionally killed.
Next is the quotation I am using. The quotation after my nick says "you ask "let's compare the scars, i'll tell you who's worse", then you say "i dont want compare with you, you'r definitely worse"". There is a long story behind this quote.
This you is a friend of mine. It started out with him adding the quote "let's compare the scars, i'll tell you who's worse" after his nick. I thought of my rough patch, so I questioned him if he really wanted to compare scars. He is one of the people who knows about my rough patch, so staright after I questioned him he said the next quote "i don't want to compare with you, you'r definitely worse". I felt very weird. He said such a thing so condescendingly that I feel even worse about my rough patch. But it's okay le la...
I put it with my nick because maybe I'm feeling a bit self-indulgent and self-pity ba. I never really thanked my friend other than irritating him even more, but I'm really very grateful to my friend whom I poured all my problems to. I think if I'd stuff them all in me I'd probably die of over-stuffing. That little reference to the "you" in the quote serves as a little tribute to my dear friend. hahaha~
Yup... If you can't imagine how do I put my quote, can take a look at me on MSN. I'm really quite screwed.
Loki contacted me via MSN correcting my explanation. Apparantly, my understanding of Chinese is not as good as I'd thought.
[11:05:44 PM] loki: 'fu ping' is not ripples
[11:05:50 PM] - xxoos - : then?
[11:06:08 PM] loki: 'fu ping'... if i'm not wrong... is actually a kind of plant that floats on water[11:06:24 PM] - xxoos - : then what are ripples?
[11:06:37 PM] loki: ripples are 'lian yi'
[11:06:56 PM] - xxoos - : wah...
[11:06:58 PM] - xxoos - : heck la
[11:07:01 PM] loki: 'fu ping sui shi shui' actually means the plant is swayed by the flowing water
[11:07:20 PM] loki: it explains a sense of being forced or controlled by the environmrnt
[11:07:34 PM] loki: aiyah... it's still quite meaningful anyway
[11:07:48 PM] - xxoos - : okok
Being forced or controlled by the environment. Being forced or controlled by my rough patch and stifling myself until i'm choking. Rough patch... It's okay, I'm still a masochist, I still enjoy being forced and controlled by you, and get myself all stifled up and choked up.