I had a good talk with SG last night regarding the "Fell." I posted yesterday. He says...
"u noe wats the real problem btwn pp to pp interaction? everybody have there own idea of wats gd and wats bad. and everybody thought other pp share the same idea of wats gd and wats bad. sometimes wat u think is wrong, may not be wat other pp think is wrong. some1 may be trying to do something nice to u, which u interpreted to be bad."
From Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, there was this part where Slughorn modified his memory in the pensive about the Horcrux thingies to put him in a better light. I admit that yesterday as I penned that entry, I made myself look better than the horrible mood swinging jerk I am, venting my frustrations at this poor soul who happened to be there and did nothing wrong other than being there. So, after last night's chat with SG, I slowly reflected about my actions once again. More quotes from SG before I analyse where is my fucking problem.
"if i say something tat i thought is innocent to a fren, and tat fren flare up, i will be very guarded in my next conversation to him/her and if i have to be mindful of wat i say, tat i cannot be myself, then a crack has appeared btwn our frenship. if ur fren has known u for very very long liao, and noe u dun mean it, it's still ok. actually similar thing got happen to me. i asked a female fren to help me do something. she do it wif a very black face, and refuse to talk to me after tat. for a couple of weeks. then we patch back. but we are not the same anymore liao. i dun dare to ask her to do anything liao. and i dun look her up anymore liao. cos i duno if i will do any other thing to make her angry again.
"if u have to vent ur frustrations on a fren, make sure he's some1 who have known u for alotta
yrs. however gd a frenship u think u and a fren have, if it's a young frenship, cracks appear very easily. and if u do it too often, pp will get sick of it too.
"think of a relationship as a bank acct. overtime, as u put in more money into ur acct, ur money grows. and some more got interest, it grows more. then when u r angry and vent ur frustrations on them, u r withdrawing money fr ur bank. if u got alotta money inside liao, can still withdraw a couple of time. but if withdraw too much, oso will become broke. sure need deposits. whenever u do something nice, it's a deposit. when ever u accompany him do something, it's a deposit.
"in a quarrel, normally it's not very straightforward who's rite and who's wrong. cos it may started as some1 doing something wrong, but the retaliation may be wrong as well. so it's a wrong on top of another wrong. it always helps to try to look at the same problem fr another angle."
Well, I was pretty surprised when SG talked to me about these, cos he hadn't really struck me as someone who would give an in depth though to such matters, I'm really impressed. hehe~ And another thing about Joan, she's a big stickler for analogies. I get pretty impressed with analogies. yea... My damned Log Theory. Okay, I'm not supposed to be carrying on with my rough patch now, or here, can look in my MSN Spaces for that matter, even though my MSN is down, today the problem is Jinwei, so I better put my focus on him.
Analysing SG's comments, I really don't know if this will happen to me and him anot. I think friends shouldn't be that formal to each other, I think he thinks that way too. I remember him telling me this story once. There was this girl when asked why had she packed rice to school instead of just buying the food, her answer was that she didn't want to ask her mother for money nor did she want to add on to her parents' burden. Later in life she was asked why she wanted to work while studying, her reply was that she wanted to ease her burden on her family and support herself and her parents. This might seem as a model answer, but it also shows the girl's guardedness to others, and this creates a shield between herself and her friend whom she said all these to.
Well, I really hope everything would be fine again. I do want to turn to him once again when I am faced with my whole lot of stuff, and I still need his help regarding my script thingie. And I also want to be there to help him, if he needs the help, I'm not that selfish ah... hahaha~ I mean that what friends are for, and I really treat him as a really great friend. Must emphasise this.
Hmm... How long have I known him? I first met him, by right, more than a year ago, during Arts Camp, then again, during Arts O-week, he was in Rozie's OG. Rozie first made the introductions during our EU1101E class, but it was just a hi bye thingie. But later that night I met him again, at my Chinese Drama session. He also joined Chinese Drama, but although we met like once a week for practices, we didn't really talk much. Even in the EU classes we didn't really see much of each other. Then we got to talk more after December Camp. It was then that we'd arranged to take a module together, Singapore Military History, but we also didn't usually sit together for that module in the end, perhaps towards the end of the module a couple of times only. It was only after we both got into the exco for Chinese Drama that we became closer, or maybe it's MSN that brought us closer, with all the casual chattings and and mutual jibings, we got to know each other better.
Then another benchmark would be in July, after I got back from Germany, after my rough patch set in, I started to turn to him more often and heavily relied in him for even the slightest thing. I came to see him as a friend that I can turn to when my rough patch almost killed me. I don't think we can be considered as really old friends, but we aren't really that new friends, I guess. Or maybe we really are pretty new friends, if you start counting from July... This year's July really a benchmark for everything, but that's not the point for today...
About getting sick of hearing my whinings, I think that's really my fault. Even though I'm a sensitive person by nature, I often get too caught up in my own feelings that I often neglect about other people. I should start using a self check on myself and really get a grip on myself instead of letting my emotions run so ahead of me. Friends aren't obliged to hear you grouse.
It's also quite ironic that SG would use banking as an analogy because I had this short chat with him not long ago when I wanted to get my financial certificate...
[08:52:58 PM] - xxoos - ??: ask u ah...
[08:53:10 PM] - xxoos - ??: clementi got posb or dbs bank anot ah?
[08:53:17 PM] - xxoos - ??: those got teller kind of bank
[08:53:19 PM] I'm not a go: got posb
[08:53:59 PM] - xxoos - ??: is got teller one hor
[08:54:05 PM] - xxoos - ??: real life human teller
[08:54:24 PM] I'm not a go: yar
[08:54:41 PM] - xxoos - ??: where is it?
[08:55:17 PM] I'm not a go: near the large hawker centre
[08:55:35 PM] I'm not a go: the row of shop houses
[08:55:54 PM] I'm not a go: the ban gawa solo side
[08:56:50 PM] - xxoos - ??: u know their opening times anot ah?
[08:57:45 PM] I'm not a go: dunno..
[08:59:20 PM] - xxoos - ??: do u think they can write me a certificate of financial ability for my sep anot ah?
[09:00:30 PM] I'm not a go: ... how i know
[09:00:44 PM] I'm not a go: haha
[09:00:54 PM] I'm not a go: tat u could ask ur dad to write
[09:01:22 PM] - xxoos - ??: nah... the sep is want the bank one...
[09:01:39 PM] - xxoos - ??: just got my allowance
[09:01:43 PM] - xxoos - ??: finally
[09:01:51 PM] - xxoos - ??: do i owe u any money anot ah?
[09:01:59 PM] I'm not a go: .. got lah
[09:02:21 PM] - xxoos - ??: how much?
[09:02:29 PM] I'm not a go: ermz .. i forgot liaoz
[09:02:31 PM] I'm not a go: nvm
[09:02:39 PM] I'm not a go: juz gimme $12 for the tix
[09:03:43 PM] - xxoos - ??: what tics?
[09:05:18 PM] I'm not a go: .. the NTU show
[09:05:26 PM] - xxoos - ??: eh...
[09:05:31 PM] - xxoos - ??: not i give wanjing meh?
[09:05:39 PM] I'm not a go: hmm...
[09:05:39 PM] - xxoos - ??: she say it's $10 only leh...
[09:05:49 PM] - xxoos - ??: so is who i pay to?
[09:05:56 PM] I'm not a go: then u pay wanjing
[09:06:01 PM] I'm not a go: orh i know liaoz
[09:06:12 PM] I'm not a go: did u return mi $$ for the ktv?
[09:06:47 PM] - xxoos - ??: did i give u any money on that day anot ah?
[09:06:55 PM] - xxoos - ??: think i gave u $10
[09:06:58 PM] - xxoos - ??: got anot ah?
[09:07:01 PM] I'm not a go: hmm...
[09:07:05 PM] I'm not a go: i really dunno
[09:07:08 PM] - xxoos - ??: or did i not give u any moeny?
[09:07:15 PM] I'm not a go: really dunno
[09:07:29 PM] I'm not a go: think tat day u return mi $30
[09:07:34 PM] I'm not a go: then after tat
[09:07:44 PM] I'm not a go: i dunno liaoz
[09:08:09 PM] I'm not a go: $20 for the OS tix and $10 for last tie dunno wadever debt[09:08:30 PM] I'm not a go: tat was juz after the welcome tea
[09:08:36 PM] - xxoos - ??: that day i draw $40
[09:08:40 PM] I'm not a go: after tat u gt borrow frm mi?
[09:08:56 PM] I'm not a go: i really dunno liaoz
[09:09:13 PM] - xxoos - ??: i think i gsve u the other $10
[09:09:25 PM] - xxoos - ??: cos like that i couldn't give wanjing any money
[09:09:32 PM] I'm not a go: hmm...
[09:09:37 PM] - xxoos - ??: did i eat on that day?
[09:09:46 PM] I'm not a go: dunno
[09:10:03 PM] I'm not a go: but haha, if i guess, joan wld definately eat one
[09:10:11 PM] - xxoos - ??: diaoz
[09:10:19 PM] - xxoos - ??: no...
[09:10:23 PM] - xxoos - ??: we didn't eat lor
[09:10:28 PM] I'm not a go: ?
[09:10:32 PM] - xxoos - ??: after the welcome tea we went st to sing liao
[09:10:41 PM] - xxoos - ??: then wait
[09:10:46 PM] - xxoos - ??: i ate dinner
[09:10:50 PM] I'm not a go: yar
[09:10:54 PM] I'm not a go: so got eat mah
[09:11:00 PM] I'm not a go: ok nvm lah
[09:11:04 PM] - xxoos - ??: but no leh...
[09:11:09 PM] I'm not a go: nvm lah
[09:11:17 PM] I'm not a go: i can rmb siaz
[09:11:25 PM] I'm not a go: *can't
[09:11:31 PM] - xxoos - ??: cos if i had given u any money it would be given to u in the ktv itself right?
[09:11:37 PM] I'm not a go: yep
[09:11:54 PM] - xxoos - ??: hmm...
[09:12:09 PM] - xxoos - ??: was my that last $10 with you?
[09:12:23 PM] I'm not a go: i really dunno....
[09:12:31 PM] I'm not a go: but then did u pay wanjing?
[09:12:57 PM] - xxoos - ??: nope
[09:13:02 PM] - xxoos - ??: havent paid her yet
[09:13:04 PM] - xxoos - ??: that i rmb
[09:13:09 PM] I'm not a go: haha, i wanna be stingy tyhen u still owe mi $3.30 cents no matter wad happens
[09:13:16 PM] I'm not a go: coz the ktv $13.30
[09:13:17 PM] I'm not a go: hahaha
[09:13:40 PM] - xxoos - ??: diaoz...
[09:13:48 PM] - xxoos - ??: i lend u my cartel card la~
[09:14:00 PM] - xxoos - ??: then u use the savings as my reimbursement
[09:14:02 PM] - xxoos - ??: lol~
[09:14:11 PM] I'm not a go: nvm lah
[09:14:14 PM] I'm not a go: forget it liaoz
[09:14:16 PM] I'm not a go: u see lah
[09:14:28 PM] I'm not a go: alwayz lend u $ until i dunno u got owe mi anot
[09:15:33 PM] - xxoos - ??: bleahz...
[09:15:34 PM] I'm not a go: want mi to write for u certificate of financial ability? i'm the walking ATM
[09:15:45 PM] - xxoos - ??: wahaha~
[09:15:59 PM] - xxoos - ??: okay... ur next meal shall be on me then~
[09:16:02 PM] - xxoos - ??: bleahz...
[09:16:03 PM] I'm not a go: somemore no deposit also can draw one
[09:16:05 PM] I'm not a go: haha
[09:16:11 PM] I'm not a go: no need lah
[09:16:42 PM] - xxoos - ??: really need to do something about my spending liao
[09:16:50 PM] - xxoos - ??: if not i cannot go germany le
[09:17:08 PM] I'm not a go: oh really, stop buying bags , caps and clothes can liaoz
[09:17:18 PM] I'm not a go: oh yar
[09:17:22 PM] I'm not a go: and body shop items
Given the time to slowly think through about what happened on Saturday, I know that most of the fault lies with me. Then I had my pride in me. Pride kills. But after the good long caht with SG, I've opened up, kaiqiao le... So the whole of today I thought about what I could do to apologise yet not compromise on my pride. In the end, all that it took was 2 hotdogs, 5 nuggets and 1 vanilla smoothie to save the friendship. Food work wonders.
We had a 4 pm lecture together this afternoon. I thought that we could sit together and show that well, it's all back to normal, then perhaps all would be well, so I thought of a plan. I'd SMS him that I was running late and get him to save a seat for me, just like last week. But as man proposes, heaven disposes. Actually I was really running late, so well...
I was late because I ran down to UCC Dome, to get that Vanilla Smoothie for him. Actually there are altogether three places in school where you can get vanilla ice, Coffee Club Express and Munchie Monkey would be nearer but the last time I got him Vanilla Freeze from Coffee Club Express he said that tasted too artificial, and Munchie's a bit too rich for him, so Dome's the best, well, I reached DOme at about 4, so I SMS him this "Hey... I'll be late... Can help me chope a seat pls? Tks..."
Just as I was sending that SMS, I received this SMS, "Dear joan, in case u r looking for a place to seat/rest, there will always be a seat reserved juz for u at the row i'm seating. Today i'm seated at right of lt. There's food also". After reading this, at first thought, I was touched. Reading it a bit closer, i really disliked the words he chose, it sounded a tad too formal for friends, but really, I was still just as touched. I don't think that SMS was a reply to my SMS cos it was sent at about the same time, and the food, there's no way he could have prepared the food upon receiving my SMS and replying to it.
This reminded me of something. I remember it was around September last year, a senior after seeing this short exercise told me that he thought that we had great rapport. I was pretty stunned cos at that time we barely knew each other. It turned out that later in March, after out public performance, that senior went to tell him that he thought that we had better rapport than him with this other person acting with him. I decided that I'd play a game with him. The game that me and Zihui invented, Telepathy. One person would think of something of a certain category then the other person guess what it is based on sheer luck and rapport. We failed. But it seemed today that we really had the rapport to think of cajoling each other and enticing each other with food.
He got me 2 hotdogs and 5 nuggets. I'm not complaining about anything, just a bit of musing. He said this as he passed that packet to me... "I realised that you don't buy it from the western stall. Too oily already..." But that's not the main point, the main point still was that he went to get that for me. hehe~ I love hot dogs and sausages, and nuggets, though not from the western stall, but well, also can la... It was the thought that counted so even though I was full from a lunch at Bizad Western, I still finished the hotdogs and nuggets. And naturally he lapped up the vanilla smoothie too. Food makes people happy.
Later he said that his computer had crashed. I guess this explained his preoccupation on Saturday and him not being online during the weekend. I had already suspected so as he was asking for Windows XP disc, but the problem with me once again is being too caught up in my own world that I neglected others. Really must do something about it...
And I'd also like to thank SG for hearing my grouses, seems like I just still can't shake off not solving my own problems myself. But SG also opened up a can of worms in front of me, the Ladder Theory. Well, I have three layers of circles of friends, the first concentric circle is the superficial kind of friends, go out have fun, go back. That composes of a of majority female, my shopping kakis, beaching kakis, and people I meet around school. I don't really share problems with them but I do like to share my happiness with them. And those people usually see my as an optimistic bimbo. The male female ratio would be at about 4:6.
The second layer of friends are the friends I share my problems with. My rough patch and stuff, my constant whinings about everyday life, and how terrible I feel. These people are majority male. I'd put the male female ratio at 7.5:2.5. I don't know why but sometimes I feel more at ease to pour out my problems to my male friends. maybe because they are older and can give me better advice, or more encouragement. Also because problem sharing sessions with females more often than not would turn into a huge gossiping session which I really hate when I'm like so dying. These male friends usually see me as pessimistic, emotional and things along those lines.
The third layer of friends are the friends that come with me from way back. We have a bond that might be loosening, but they know me, they know what I was like, what I am, and what I will be. The male female ratio, 1:9. I don't go to them with my problems anymore because we are all busy with our own stuff and I don't want them to worry about me when they've got their own stuff to worry about. These people see me as a determined girl, who really knows her way around. Really, I didn't manage to get my SEP to Germany without really having decent standard.
To bring in the Ladder Theory, I don't think I really apply to that theory cos well, basically I used to be a one ladder girl, but after my rough patch, much changed, I don't know if I've really got two ladders in me, but at least I can say that I've more than one ladder in me, and I don't know which ladder is for which. This rough patch really is screwing myself up. Before I can sort myself out and figure out what is my direction, I need to get over with my rough patch.
PS: This is a long long post. 3521 words excluding the postscript. But that's not the point. Is that I was already almost done with writing this post when my post disappeared and I had to retype everything again. I wasn't really at 3521 words, but I think there should already have been more than 3000 words then it disappeared, so I'm not really in a very good mood now. And if you spot missings or weird links in my blog, it means that I've forgotten whether I wrote it in the previous post or wrote it earlier in the entry. My trend of thought a bit scattered le, can't really remember which I wrote and which I haven't.