What am I doing at 5.45am? I'm reflecting on what happened the day before. Yes, I'm not sleeping. I don't know what good would it do to me, or if it'd do me any good at all, but I feel really as if I'm on this emotional roller coaster ride. So many things are happening to me all at the same time.
In a span of a couple of hours, I had managed to fall out with a close friend of mine, someone whom I am really really grateful to; I managed to make a new friends, this whole group of really fun and cool people; and I also managed to patch things up with another friend I fell out with last week.
It started out as Joan went about her usual grousings. Recently Joan really had more and more new things to grouse about, especially what happened this morning. Joan really wanted a listening ear, but Joan also knew that her friends are not obliged to lend their listening ears to her, so now Joan can only turn to her blog. For more details on Joan's grouses, can visit her msn spaces, every entry after July is about her damned rough patch.
As you know, when Joan starts grousing, she starts rambling, and sometimes she rambles without even process what's her thoughts and say what she feels like saying. This happened again this afternoon. Joan was with her dear friend and she started mumbling cos of her rough patch again. I think her friend did not realise that Joan was already losing in and poked in a really irritating comment to her. That did it, all her pent up frustrations that her rough patch built up in her fell upon her poor friend. At first she hadn't intended her actions to be that serious. She thought that her friend would pull her back and they can both laugh about it, after all they are both actors, what's with a little acting and playing. But that wasn't the case. Her friend did not do anything to pull her back and Joan just had to storm off just like that.
So Joan went to this little corner and started to reflect about her friendship with her friend. Was that relationship based on friendship and trust? I don't think so. If it was then he should know that Joan was only joking, maybe in fact we didn't really have the rapport that everybody thought we had. What started out as a joke turned real. I started to have real reasons to have flared up over him. And as he never once tried to call me back, I gave up le.
I ignored him for the rest of the day. I think I'll continue to ignore him until something else happens. Well, he did try to apologise, but apology is not something which I want. His actual words to me was a "sorry" and "thank you". Those are the most damning things you can ever say to a friend. As my nicks says, what I want most is a "you okay anot?" If he did say that to me, I think I'd melt in his arms, but he didn't, and I'm not going to force him to do, so I continued to ignore him.
I don't regret what I did, but I really regret what happened. He was really a close close friend. This reminds me of what happened between me and Zihui when we were in JC. It was during Maths lecture and we started teasing each other, the tease flared up and we started hissing at each other then it blew out of proportions. We didn't talk at the end of the day, but unlike then, my expectations of this friend is different from what I expected of Zihui. I cleared up with Zihui as we both came to the consensus that we were both joking, but for this friend, yes, although it started out as a joke, I had not end it as a joke.
Why am I so stubborn?
He was always telling me to watch my temper, and I always had assured him that I would not flare up in such an unprofessional way, but still, I couldn't control it...
The past two days, I've been meeting up with this group of pseudo-annonymous friends. I'm part of an online forum group and for the past two days I've been meeting up with the other barflies. Meeting them up in real life is totally different from communicating with them online. I had originally joined the forum group as a form of escape. My real life problems, ie my rough patch, was really weighing down on me and for a moment, this forum thingie really made me forget that I'm close to breaking down.
I met up with some girls on Friday night first at Suntec's Marche. Pictures first, then I shall comment about other stuff later...
winter and xxoos
nadnut and frenie
xxoos and missy
nadnut and xxoos
xxoos and frenie
winter and missy
missy and frenie
winter, missy, frenie, xxoos
I think by now everyone reading my blog here would know who's xxoos ba... If you don't then I don't think I know you, right? Cos everyone I know who reads my blog is on my MSN, so if you know me, but not on my MSN, don't mind adding me to MSN, look at link beside. Or if you are reading my blog, I think you'd have read a previous post.
Then you should know. Oh, but I've changed the quote after my nick to: "friends aren't supposed to say "sorry" or "thank you"... instead, a "wei... you okay anot?" would be more approriate..." The previous was something you'd said, the present is something directed to you... hai...
I'm so proud of it that I think I shall put it by the side. But not today, today too tired liao le la... haha~ So the barflies labelled me as a cam whore. With the 3.13gig of photos I took in a month in Germany, I'm denying anything, but well, there are also tie when I don't like taking pictures, that's when I feel damn tired and ugly. I'm just vain. Then SG asked me, why all my photos, my face would tilt down and my eyes would look up. Well, hahaha~ That's the standard pose for the kawaii Jap school girls when taking neoprints. Also like to thank SG for help me do some pretty interesting stuff. Wanna see them, MSN me! Nad helped me take a set of my a dozen poses and another one of me teaching brennan do that set. Pretty cool~ Brennan is so cute! But he's so young... Too young until a bit scary le.
It really nice meeting everybody in real life. Some people are really different in real life and online, but they are still nice people nonetheless. For me, at least these are a good distraction from my rough patch. I really do have to move on with life.
I patched up with a friend I had a misunderstanding with. For the past whole I didn't see him online. My first guess was that he was avoiding me, especially over what had happened between us, but just now he was waiting for me online, waiting to hear my problems, waiting to be there for me again. It's really a very good feeling to know that when all else fails, at least there is still a someone there. I was really afraid that I was losing all my friends especially what happened to my first said friend in this entry.
Well, this misunderstanding I had with this friend was over the position of me and his girlfriend. You know the feeling when your good friend gets attached and everything changes. He can no longer treat you the same as before because of that her somewhere around and jokes between you guys have to be tamed down to suit the listening for that her, who is always there. Then as the two of them gets closer, you suddenly feel like your friend seems no longer like a friend to you anymore.
And it doesn't help if you vent out your frustrations on him over the smallest matter. Can't believe that after this misunderstanding I made a similar mistake with the first said friend again.
Sometime the slightest things said by our friends can be picked up easily by us and we feel very good about it. I like the way this friend puts things across, he never fails to make me feel good about myself. Okay, not exactly never fail, but at least, most of the time, and just now he was back to his best. Simple things can also really touch my heart and make me feel good. The way with him is that as he talks he'll address me and that's something that I really like. I use them often too, when I'm being really sincerely or when I'm determined to put my words across, and it's really effective. So I sensed the sincerity with him, simple things like, "I leave it to you joan", or a "joan, you know..." It really makes me very comfortable.
To keep some lines alive in my memory...
I like people to prompt me when I want to talk about my problems. I don't want to put my friends in a spot and make them fel obliged to listen to all my problems. If my friends don't prompt me, I would feel like they don't really want to listen to me, and I wouln't want to talk about it anymore. The sian 1/2 feeling...
"but what's on ur mind tonite?"
Another prompt question. Another sign that he is sincerely there ready to listen to me. But I didn't pour out everything to him cos I was pretty fine last night.
"u wanna talk abt it?"
I like a relentless friend because sometimes I'm really shy about saying things out and I really need to be prompted to finally open my golden mouth.
"if u need to talk i am here.."
A word of assurance. Something I really need.
"never meant it to hurt u.."
I don't know why but this tugged my heart.
"but u know what..i wished that guy didn't have that much impact on u.. it pains me to hear he is making u feel that way.."
He's one of the few people who knows almos the whole story about about my rough patch. This sentence not only expresses our bond, my comfort in seeking him for my problems, but also his wish and hope that he really wanted my life to be better. I think all good friends would want the best life for their friends.
"i mean..i think u r a great gal.. u r beautiful, intelligent..."
Compliments are always great. But not fake compliments, true bottom from the heart ones. I liked the way he used a think in his compliment. Usually a think would make the compliment less like a compliment because of the uncertainty, but the way he used it seemed to express more sincerity than uncertainty.
"i really do care for u..."
Friends do care~
"u r really a girl that is strong .... can really kick ass when need to"
Another compliment. And one which recognises the fact that I'm not that whiny girl most people have come to see me as after all my rough patches invaded my emotional self.
The thing was that yesterday I was also being harsh on him. I was shouting at him not to use words like "thank you" and "sorry", but "sorry"s were kept spewing from his mouth until I got really fed up, but he endured me. I really want to say a big "thank you" to him but I'm not going to, I can't contradict myself, can I? Besides, the use of "thank you"s and "sorry"s seem too formal for use between friends.
Friends can be really casual with each other, and I think that's what friendship is all about, the rapport and understanding~