waiting

I'm sitting here out in the hot sun waiting. I don't know what am I waiting for nor know who am I waiting for. Maybe a sign or a hope. A sign of a glimmer of hope. I used to spend time and money buying pieces of hope knowing that I am wasting all my efforts, but I don't know why I seem to be making the same mistakes over and over again.

Yesterday I was really very happy, this morning I was happy too, even in the afternoon my mood was still great, but as time passes by quickly and as the glimmer of hope slowly gets extinguished by time, my mood is too affected.

I know not of what lies ahead or what can lie ahead. I'd like to always think of the best possible fairly tale like situation and save myself from eternal damnation, but somehow there is this nagging thought at the back of my head pulling me back into reality. I can only think of the worst case circumstance, and damn myself into the blackhole of emotions.

I think it's pms. It's going to be that time of the month. The symptoms are here. I was crying myself to sleep last weekend, I felt nauseuos after lunch today, pretty soon there'll be cramps and more tears and then yea... You get the idea...

Someone told me that I am always in full control of my own emotions but I beg to differ. Cos he hold that control. Who is this he? Please don't misunderstand me. This he is not a particular person but people in general. Eveybody around me are in control of my feelings. I go by this line, if you treat me well, I'll treat you better, if you don't treat me well, I'll give you a piece of hell. Yes, I am this extreme. So please treat me well, and I'l make sure that you are well rewarded. I am really a very nice person. Sometimes, too nice a person.

Yes, and I am still waiting.