Saturday, May 07, 2005

I don't give half a damn liao

Why am I not giving half a damned damn to my health?!

Jinwei says I'm going to get a stroke. He told me to go get a checkup. Nope, I'm not going to, but I'll warn all of you of my impending stroke. If I ever suffer a stroke, well, it's cos of this, so do prepare for this.

It all started with cramps and pins and needles. Usually if you sit in one position for long, you'd get pins and needles from the lack of blood circulation. Pins and needles are normal occurances, but recently, to be exact, yesterday, I started having cramps. First at my calf, then it spread up to my thighs, then my butt. Almost the whole of my left side waist down was paralysed by the end of the day. Today, after another day of sitting, my legs are all gone.

Yesterday, three hours of Madame Butterfly in the cramped Esplanade, followed by two and a half hours of Kingdom of Heaven in Marina GV. Today, the whole morning of meeting in PS McDonald's followed by a whole afternoon of Short Play Competition sitting in this cramped auditorium in the Teochew Clan Association followed by an hour and half of Luyuan Zhi Ye sitting in the cramped TJ Audi. My legs are totally wasted. And I'm so lack of sleep.

These couple of days, I've been painting my face. Stupid Jinwei has been jibing it, but what can I do?! It's either I suffer from a horrible face now or a horrible face later. Being the big procrastinator, I decided on later. So I painted my face to hide its ugliness. Lack of sleep, stress, poor health, visibility of pimples, acne, pale shadows, darkened eyes, open pores, it's no wonder I don't dare to face people with my true looks.

My health problems?

I'm still having that damned flu. My sense of taste is partially gone. Nothing tastes the same anymore, and I hate it. But I'm not doing anything to make myself heal faster. Why?

Because I want to be sick.

I hate it. I'm so fed up. I want to be a spoilt brat. I want to do what I want to. I want to sulk. I want to contradict everyone. I'm so fustrated. I have so much pent up frustrations in me. And I know it's not pms. And this sucks more. If it was pms, I could just pushed all the blame to those bloody hormones, but I can't do so now.

I think what I need is a guy to neutralise me. If I have a guy, I'll treat him really well. I'll do what he says and what he don't says, and not do what he don't want me to do. I'll cook for him, feed him, bear him his kids, look after his kids, serve him well. I'll wash his feet, prepare hot baths for him, stay up and wait for him all night, bring him breakfast/lunch/tea/dinner/supper. I'll cut off all contacts with all my males friends, even female friends too if that's what he wants. I'll let him know of my every movement. I think what I need is not really a guy, I need someone to control me, to dominate me, to minimise my existence.

Jinwei says at this rate I'm never going to get my guy. The guys won't like me. Yea... Jinwei says again and again. Aren't I supposed to be the one jibing him, why are the damned tables turned? Hmph...

I can't sleep well. At night I don't feel like sleeping, in the morning I don't feel like waking up, but I need to. I don't know what I really want, sleep or wake up. I feel so tired out. Will lethargy bring about stroke? Hmm... I don't think it's about diet cos I havent been eating much lately. Having a flu, everything is tasteless, everything sucks.

I'm starting to think about what will life be in this world without Joan. Will anyone even notice my demise?

Say, one day I get stroke in the house with nobody on hand to rescue me, then when somebody finds me it's too late already and I'm dead. Who will notice it? I think my parents will place an obituary advert in the papers, but who reads the papers? Word will spread among my friends, especially since I know some of my friends have taken to reading the obituary daily. Those loose friends whom I know, and don't know my other friends, will they find out about my passing on?

Say, they will notice that I'm no longer online. I no longer reply to their SMSes. Will they attempt to call me? Who is going to keep my phone after I go? My parents? How will they break the news to those stray friends who once in a while drop me SMSes or calls?

Yesterday I was telling a friend. I don't want to think with my mind, cos I want to make an irrational choice, but I too don't want to think with my heart cos I want to make a rational choice. What to do, don't think at all. How not to think? To put your heart and mind out of work. I'm not being suicidal. I'm just being realistic.

If I really get that stroke...

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