Sunday, May 22, 2005

Emotional Roller Coaster Ride

I want to bring up my analogy on the Himalayans and the Marianas again.

I realised one thing about me. After a period of highness, I'd be swept with a period of lowness. Maybe it's the high contrasting with the low that makes to low lower that it is. High and low are but comparative.

After a period of highness which is marked by a series of extensive photo taking sessions, I'm now stuck in this wave of lowness and that taking photos aren't even inspiring me now. This morning, I started of the day with a 9 hour AGM. That basically set the tone for my lethargy after my highness, so now, this lethargy has set in and I'm overcome by pangs of negative emotions.

My worries. These are irrational worries very much unlike those mentioned before.

1. My trip to Germany is in 9 days, and I'm not excited. I still got many things yet to put down, I can't just pat my butt and leave with two hands free. 4 weeks isn't really that long a time period, but it isn't actually that short either. Things would change during this time, and I need to settle these. I don't want to return after my 4 weeks to be surprised by the possible changes.

2. My friends. I think I am attention hungry. But somehow I don't think I'm getting the attention I want. This is especially disappointing when I contrast how I treat people and how they treat me in return. To my friends, I give them my whole heart and almost everything. I know I can't expect them to give up to same to me in return, but at least I do need some form of comfort and acknowledgement. But I'm not getting that, and it's depressing me. It isn't fair, but what is fair. In limbo with myself again. Why is my heart of big and prone to hurt?

3. My health. I want to fall sick. I want somebody to take care of me. I need the attention. Still waiting.

4. My script. Okay... Think this is a valid cause of worry. I've suddenly thought of the missing link. I need someone who's familiar with Chinese history. MING DYNASTY EMPERORS. Anybody with expand knowledge about it, please contact me! EMAIL OR MSN ME IMMEDIATELY! And about COPERNICUS and GALILEO too. I still haven't found the fateful information yet. But I'm now worrying about how I am going to string up the different parts together to make it coherent. And to portray their relevance to the theme. Would need quite a bit of skills to do these. Hope I'm up to the job ba...

Shall keep this post short. Think I feel better after blogging out my thoughts. Just that if there was a physical person to share my problems with, I might feel even better. I don't know if it's my problem or what. Everytime I need a someone by my side, the person won't be there, but when I'm okay and fine, that fateful person would appear. Not about anybody in particular, but it seems like it applies to quite a number of my friends. It's like they've sensors to catch me when I'm happy and siam when I feel sad.

There's a Chinese saying that says that friends whom you share your happiness with are not ture friends, they are just mere aquaintances, only true friends share sorrows with you. Maybe, I just don't have the kind of friends whom I can share sorrows with. Ironically, or painfully, those people who ask about my unhappiness don't seem to want to share my pain. Really, if you think that you don't want to share my pain with me, don't ask me about it. It'll only make things worse.

Paradoxes of life. Broken promises. Unfulfilled resolutions. Shattered hearts. Pathetic Joan. And you are?

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