Thursday, March 10, 2005


Questions and Answers
Truths and Lies

A friend's MSN nick... "Lies are the truths that hurt the most. You just don't wanna believe it."

My thoughts about that?
My up there says, "Don't ask questions which answers you don't want to hear."
"There can be only two types of answers, truths and lies."
"Truths pain, lies hurt. Both wounds me deeply, which would I rather hear?"

So, my heart told me never ask more than I need to know. But what do I need to know? I should need to know nothing, but the sensitive, emotional, and insecure me wants to know everything.

I'm afraid of asking questions because I don't know how to deal with answers. I don't know if I'd rather hear lies or truths when both stab my heart and wound me deeply. So, the easiest and supposedly most painless thing to do is to do nothing at all. Don't ask any questions, even if I hear anything, treat it as I heard nothing, nothing had happened at all, life will go on as usual. Being that cute, innocent, ignorant, and more ignorant girl might sometimes be lots better. Pains me less.

I made a policy not to ask too much, but once, just that once, I blurted out a rhetorical question. I really hadn't expected an answer, I didn't want an answer, but I was answered. With an answer I didn't want to hear. I don't know if it's the truth or a lie. It sounds rather condescending, so I really wished that that was a lie, a mere joke, but even as a joke it's too big a joke to make to me. If it's the truth, then I really feel damn degraded. I regretted asking that question.

After tha incident, I told myself to be more careful with my words. But sometimes, in a tussle between the heart and mind, there would definitely be a loser, this time, my mind lost out, I went with my heart and posed a question that was buried deep in my heart for quite some time. What I didn't realise is that one question would lead to another, and another, and more anothers, until I can't control. With each question came an answer, with each answer came a blade stabbed deep into my heart.

As the blade stabbed deep into my heart, traces of blood slowly seeped out. As time passes, the blood flows out more profusely. Soon the time would come when all the blood has dried up, what's left is but a shell, a container, all drained up.

I'm but a girl.

What do I mean when I say that?
I've been misusing this phrase a lot recently. I'm not even using it to it's appropriate meaning. I'm using it out of context.
All I know is that it says 矜持.

What do I mean by that?
I'm not the kind who would spell out clearly what I want, or what I'm thinking because I'm afraid of saying too many things. Spelling out exactly how and what i'm feeling makes me feel very vulnerable, maybe it's because I'm a pisces. I think too much into other people's actions and words.

I don't usually mean my words. No, I shouldn't put it that way, there are always underlying meanings in my words.


Now that I always weigh my words before speaking, I'd put my words together such that it does not only mean the obvious, there's still some deeper meaning in it. Of course, I'm not the kind of person who means yes when I say no, or mean no when I say yes.

An example, I always say I want to find my 1.82.
1.82 is not just a height, it's something more abstract than that.
I'm not meaning that I want to find a boyfriend, even though sometimes I harp on that more than I consciously know. What I'm meaning is that I want a shoulder to lean onto when I need it. And a shoulder isn't just a shoulder, it's an emotional support. 1.82 symbolises a support for me to lean onto. It doesn't mean that my boyfriend had to be exactly 1.82 as some people have horribly misunderstood me.

I'm so totally fucked up. Screwed.

Why can't I just speak freely? Why can't I just speak my mind? Why can't I do what I want to do? Why can I make the first move? Why can't I? Why can't I? I don't know...

I've my reservations, my insecurities, my fears.
I need of a shoulder to provide me with support, I need maybe a little more that physical support. I think I might also need some verbal support. When I make my fears known, what I'm looking for is some verbal support. damn... Making things so clear makes me feel so darn transparent.

I was thinking... Should I have backspaced the above sentence? Since I didn't want to feel transparent... Then again, I don't know... After thinking and pondering, I decided to keep the above sentence. Why? I don't know...

I can't seem to be able to make up my mind sometimes, that's embodied in my "I don't know". What I want out of that simple phrase? Affirmation. Somebody to decide for me.

Think I'm getting to cheem for myself even. Complexities of myself... Think I'm getting a bit too moody. I know nobody likes a moody girl, but I can't help but feeling so cos there's so many things going on. Maybe I should cut down on the stuff which are on hand now.

I'm like a juggler, trying to keep a million balls up in the air at the same time. At any point in time, each of my hands can hold only a ball, the other nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety eight balls are all in the air. Not only I must keep the balls in the air, I must also take special care from preventing the balls from dropping onto the ground, cos once the ball has dropped it's impossible to pick that ball up and continue with the other balls, the dropped ball will have to be forgotten and discarded. I also have to make special considerations and not let any two balls or more hit each other. If the ball hits with another one, there would be an unequal balance and the balls would fall off my momentum and they'll all drop onto the ground. This really isn't easy. That's why maybe it's better if I let go of some balls. Having lesser balls in my control might do me better. I can spend more time with the remaining ones and keep them in full control, then maybe I won't feel that moody again.

I need to prioritise. But I don't know how to. I have no idea which should be given higher priority which shouldn't.

Seems like I went off tangent already. I'd wanted to talk about truths and lies and now I'm sharing about my insecurities. I think that's like the only similarity between truths and lies, they bring out the worse of a person. The are both extremely capable of inflicting pain.

What should I do to not suffer anymore?
Why don't you tell me the answer?

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