I didn't sleep during my return journey. Instead, I spent that one hour plus thinking about some stuff. Stuff.
I thought about how life is like now, what it could be like, the best possible scenarios, the worst possible scenarios. I thought about how I felt, and why I felt this way. And it all boils down to I'm upset. I hate myself. I really hate myself.
I was thinking, would I commit suicide, do what Armani from 15 wanted to do but didn't manage to do. Jump down the Esplanade and just end everything. I know I can't bring myself to do so. I'm afraid of pain. I'm afraid of the unknown. I also have a lto of unfinished business. I want to know what happens to Vincent and Belle from Triumph in the Skies. I want to know if Conan will become back Shinichi. I want to know if the clone Syaoran will remain as a bad guy or will he turn good, and if the real Syaoran has any feelings for Sakura. And Domeki and Watanuki, what are their roles in the whole Clow universe. I want to know if Haruhi will end up with Tamaki or someone else. I also want to know if Yul can win this season's Survivor. There are still so many things I want to know that I can't bring myself to end my life just like that.
But I'm really tired. I don't know what I'm thinking. You know, it's been a very long while since I last let go of all my emotions and cried out loud. I think I've lost the ability to cry. I guess there can only be that amount of tears in me, and once I've finished them, there are no more for me to use. The feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to is worse than just crying everything out. I really hate myself.
Especially with regards to that route home. I kept thinking if I'd meet her. What if one day I were to meet her, can I still be that strong, that is if I can be considered as strong now. I hate him. I really hate him. About just as much as I hate myself. And as much as I hate the circumstance I'm in right at this moment.
It's not helping that I'm watching a whole lot of depressing anime, reading a whole lot of depressing manga and just being depressed the whole day. Saiunkoku Monogatari's getting more and more melodramatic. Why can't Shuurei and Ryuuki just get married and live happily ever after. Gravitation is just as bad, or maybe at least a bit better because I will soon finish it, but until I finish it, I'll have to grapple with Yuki being so depressed and in turn Shuichi can't feel that all better. Why can't Yuki just face the fact that he loves Shuichi and just go and love Shuichi. I can't wait to finish up reading Gravitation, then start on something new. Perhaps Kare Kano (His and Her Circumstances). It seems funnier, at least I hope it is funnier. At least I know that the male protagonist will get together with the female protagonist. sucks... I need something more mainstream.
I wish my life was off a fictional novel. Then at least I know I'd get something at the very end of things. I really hate it that there's no front for me to walk towards to. I always think, I always think so some shit and make myself feel worse. That time I was once told, an assurance, but well, that time was that time, and that time and this time are different times.
And the worst thing, exams are just around the corner. I didn't realise that exams are that soon, but I guess I really have to get things done soon.
I don't know how I actually manage to keep up my smiles when inside me I'm crumbling by the minute. I'm afraid, very afraid. Maybe that's why I'm following my manga/anime that closely, I want to escape from the real world. Someone once told me that I can't just live in my own constructed world, I can't read too much manga, can't watch too much anime, they'll all skew my thoughts of the real world. Like if I read too much yaoi, I'd start to love all those boys while not minding that they don't love me at all. Oh well, I'm already not minding if no one loves me at all, so I don't see that reading less manga will make someone love me.
I really should channel all my energy to finish up my collection of short stories. I thought of the title already. Tales of Steven and Scarlett. Steven otherwise known as Ming. I decided that Scarlett shall call him Steven, but Shan will call him Ming, and I decided to spell Scarlett with two Ts. And I decided to let Adele die off. Adele only refers to that young girl who died, the rest will all be Scarlett. I will need to edit the earlier pieces of which the characters were unnamed.
That time someone also once said that I shouldn't write too much because the more I write the more I take after the characters and I'm in fact screwing myself left right centre. I don't deny that I'm taking after my characters more and more, but well... I wonder if I'd end up as an as screwed up writer like Yuki, and spend the rest of my life going in and out of the psychaitrist. hehehe... At least Yuki has Shuichi.
If I were to die tomorrow, will anyone miss me?