Wednesday, November 15, 2006


[ed: updated! look right below~]

I always tell my friends, if I really sat down and studied for all my tests and exams, if I don't put off my papers till the last minute, if I do adequate research and spend more time on my papers, having As is well within my reach. But it is because Joan is the lazy fat procrastinating ass that somehow she just becomes this mediocre student. Take my first semester for example, when I was still a fresh faced student with the drive and not many distractions, I did very well. See me now, I do ALL my papers last minute, I NEVER study for anything, I smoke my way through. So, should I be contented with my grades? Knowing that for a normal person doing things that I'm doing would warrent an F...

I know I ought to be shot for saying this, but I really can't be bothered to study. My expectations of myself is low, hence I really need not be bothered to do anything to motivate myself and make good use of my brains. Okay, put it simply, I'm just too lazy. Sometimes I hate myself for this, but what to do, this is me mah...

When I was in JC, I never studied. I ate and slept in school throughout my term there. I grew fat and lazy. I somehow managed to scrape through with the bare minimum needed to be promoted. I never was the worst student in class, somehow I just fitted right in the middle, mediocre. I wasn't happy in my JC hence I never saw a need for me to study. My aim was to get to NUS FASS, nothing else matter. I don't need to get into Law or some other swanky faculty, I can't qualify for other faculties because I was an Arts student. I needn't any scholarships or stuff because my dad would pay for my tuitions fees (just shoot me, won't you). I'm a bum basically.

I managed a CEE C6 for my prelims.

I decided that I needed serious help for my Maths. I went for a crash course, studied everything back from the basics, picked topics like mad, and only studied for the topics I picked. Six weeks. I learnt what took others 2 years to learn, okay, granted, I think I only learnt like 70% of the whole course since I picked topics.

The result was that I scored ABB B3 for my A Levels. I know it's not really that impressive, but it was a major achievement for me. I saw my Maths grade improved from an E to an A, it was like woohoo~ I knew from that day that I can make it, if only I put in the effort, if not I'd be mediocre. I know some of the people around me were shocked at my results, jealous maybe, because I never struck them as academically inclined. I was mediocre, remember? I was a big slack, remember? I know some people might think that an ABB is nothing since you guys are like getting straight As, and I do mean like 4As, but well, that's you, not me. Granted, I didn't study for my other two subjects anyway, and I was very very very surprised and happy that I got a B for my Econs (I got an E in my prelims).

However, I was still disappointed with my results. I wanted like an A, for my History. I got a C for my prelims, a B was an improvement, but a B coming from the back of two spectacular improvements, makes the B so much dimmer for it in my forte subject. I know I only have myself to blame, for not putting in as much effort as I did for my Maths (I had luck there too, since I only studied like 70% of the whole syllabus). If not I can get that A easily.

Go back secondary school, and even primary school, I had a couple more disappointments, which to most of the population shouldn't be disappointments at all, but it is to me. And as with my History, I can say it's only myself to blame, that I didn't study. It's my fault. Looking back, I can not very proudly say that in my whole school life, I'm not the sort of person who studies. I stopped studying since I entered Tao Nan School, I relied a lot on my other matter to get me through. And it was also then I became mediocre.

Sometimes I look at the other mediocres alongside me, I chuckle. It weird seeing those mediocres being mediocres only because they study, but I'm a mediocre because I don't. Also, becuase I'm so allergic to studying, I have this disdain for muggers. But well, that's just me...

On to more recent times, this semester I had a couple of tests, did a couple of papers, did some projects, and got back my results. Mediocre? Yup~ That's about it. Regret? Maybe a tinge bit, that bit that says, if I had put in just that bit more effort, I could have done so much better. The other bit that says, oh but you did make better usage of your time (like watching that interesting anime and reading that romance manga, ha!). I still have myself to blame for me being mediocre.

Take my Singapore Film test for example. I could had 9/15. I can't remember... If I had studied, I confirmed can get 3 more points. I managed to spot the other 3 points question and got the whole score so I know that I can get that 3 points from the other question which I did not manage to spot correctly. The opportunity cost in this case is the 3 points. Now, the thing is that if I were to assess if this opportunity cost was worth the price to pay, I think perhaps I'd say yes. If I were to say yes, then I have to be very contented with my results right? I passed leh, I passed without studying.

Then there was my yet another B grade for my War and Society module. I have been getting Bs since the beginning of time. I remember my first B from Farrell, he added a "(generous)" behind it which basically made me want to cry, laugh, and smack him in the face. Since then, every semester he has been saying that my papers are improving but the grade has still ever since remained a B. To be very very honest, the amount of time I spent on his essays since then has been diminishing. This semester, I didn't even bother to look for him with a draft which I do every other semesters before. To hear him say I'm improving despite me putting in lesser efforts only make me put less effort in his papers, and as a results remaining a mediocre student. If only I can get my butt to work and start my papers with adequate material, I can do better, easily as that.

(Okay, this is big revelation, if Prof Farrell is reading this, I think he'll despise me, but well... I guess I'm still saying it.) For my research paper, Farrell asked me why hadn't I used the most important biography of Truman. Truth is that I never heard of that. My research was done last minute. My materials were collected last minute. My everything was haphazardly done. Yes, I'm so ashamed of myself.

But then hor, I did put in effort for the mid term take home test for this module. I really did. But I got too carried away with what I wanted to express, and was too limited by the word count that I forgot to add in one very important point. sucks... That is myself to blame, though it's not me being lazy. Luckily I found out my mistake and make doubly sure that I did not repeat that in my research paper. If not for my meeting with Farrell over the mid term take home test, I'm bound to repeat the same mistake again. That's my problem, I get too carried away with the "his", that I forget the "story". I guess, in a way, it's some superior being's way of punishing me for being so lazy that they don't allow me to rise above my mediocrity when I try to put in effort.

It was the same for my Singapore Film project. My group put in a lot of effort. A LOT. Much much much more than any other group, I can safely attest for, but it turned out we only got an A-. Okay, an A- is good, but when the reason for the lower (note, lower, not low, I know an A- is not low!) grade was that we added in this scene which stuck out like a sore thumb, and that our sound quality was bad and we didn't put in subtitles. Say if we cut out that sore thumb scene, and we had super good equipment and we put in the subtitles, we could have got that A lor. It's a bit dui to say things like that knowing that it's not because we lack something that rendered us this lower grade.

It turned out to be the same for my German Oral. I made arrangements with Cindy to practise before the test, but well, just say that I was not in the mood to practise ba. I ended up just talking cock, and not doing much serious work. Even during the Oral itself, we were given like 3 minutes to prepare main points for our dialogue, we ended up discussing about some godknowwhatuselessstuff instead. I got a 76/100 for my Oral. Yes, it's good, but when I went through the comments, I realised that had I had put in that bit more effort, I could have got so much higher. My teacher said that I didn't use a lot of vocabulary. Yea... I admit, I didn't bother studying vocab, and since I don't know any vocab, I can't possibly use them right? So, had I had spent that time and effort to memorise that few vocab words, and made use of them, I can score so much better right? See, it's my fault again...

Looking at those grades, I can't say that I've been doing badly, especially considering the effort I put in, so why am I still feeling so unsettled? Should I be contented with my results anot?

Should I study for the exams?

Update: I just got back my score for a piece of written work for my Computing and Society class. 84/100 for a piece of work I did within an hour, right on the last day before the deadline. I don't know if it's a good score or not but it does sound like not a bad score for a mediocre, right? But the stay in line with my topic of contented (or the lack of it), I must say I was a little disappointed although not surprised, not to see my name among the top scorers. The lecturer showed a couple of names (maybe about 10-15 of them) who scored above 90. Ah well.. Me feeling good anyway~


Anonymous said...

You are an intelligent person as can shown by your results and your writing here, but you use that intelligence and creativity to achieve the goal of depression and unhappiness... Perhaps it is time to really think about what you want from your life... and take action towards making these things happen. Make sure that the goals are (1) truly positive, (2)worth working towards, (3) personally important to you and (4) don't hurt you/others in any way. G-d gave you a good working brain, so don't put it to waste. ;)

xxoos said...

anon: see how ba... today no mood to set go no mood to achieve goal no mood to do anything.