I didn't sleep during my return journey. Instead, I spent that one hour plus thinking about some stuff. Stuff.
I thought about how life is like now, what it could be like, the best possible scenarios, the worst possible scenarios. I thought about how I felt, and why I felt this way. And it all boils down to I'm upset. I hate myself. I really hate myself.
I was thinking, would I commit suicide, do what Armani from 15 wanted to do but didn't manage to do. Jump down the Esplanade and just end everything. I know I can't bring myself to do so. I'm afraid of pain. I'm afraid of the unknown. I also have a lto of unfinished business. I want to know what happens to Vincent and Belle from Triumph in the Skies. I want to know if Conan will become back Shinichi. I want to know if the clone Syaoran will remain as a bad guy or will he turn good, and if the real Syaoran has any feelings for Sakura. And Domeki and Watanuki, what are their roles in the whole Clow universe. I want to know if Haruhi will end up with Tamaki or someone else. I also want to know if Yul can win this season's Survivor. There are still so many things I want to know that I can't bring myself to end my life just like that.
But I'm really tired. I don't know what I'm thinking. You know, it's been a very long while since I last let go of all my emotions and cried out loud. I think I've lost the ability to cry. I guess there can only be that amount of tears in me, and once I've finished them, there are no more for me to use. The feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to is worse than just crying everything out. I really hate myself.
Especially with regards to that route home. I kept thinking if I'd meet her. What if one day I were to meet her, can I still be that strong, that is if I can be considered as strong now. I hate him. I really hate him. About just as much as I hate myself. And as much as I hate the circumstance I'm in right at this moment.
It's not helping that I'm watching a whole lot of depressing anime, reading a whole lot of depressing manga and just being depressed the whole day. Saiunkoku Monogatari's getting more and more melodramatic. Why can't Shuurei and Ryuuki just get married and live happily ever after. Gravitation is just as bad, or maybe at least a bit better because I will soon finish it, but until I finish it, I'll have to grapple with Yuki being so depressed and in turn Shuichi can't feel that all better. Why can't Yuki just face the fact that he loves Shuichi and just go and love Shuichi. I can't wait to finish up reading Gravitation, then start on something new. Perhaps Kare Kano (His and Her Circumstances). It seems funnier, at least I hope it is funnier. At least I know that the male protagonist will get together with the female protagonist. sucks... I need something more mainstream.
I wish my life was off a fictional novel. Then at least I know I'd get something at the very end of things. I really hate it that there's no front for me to walk towards to. I always think, I always think so some shit and make myself feel worse. That time I was once told, an assurance, but well, that time was that time, and that time and this time are different times.
And the worst thing, exams are just around the corner. I didn't realise that exams are that soon, but I guess I really have to get things done soon.
I don't know how I actually manage to keep up my smiles when inside me I'm crumbling by the minute. I'm afraid, very afraid. Maybe that's why I'm following my manga/anime that closely, I want to escape from the real world. Someone once told me that I can't just live in my own constructed world, I can't read too much manga, can't watch too much anime, they'll all skew my thoughts of the real world. Like if I read too much yaoi, I'd start to love all those boys while not minding that they don't love me at all. Oh well, I'm already not minding if no one loves me at all, so I don't see that reading less manga will make someone love me.
I really should channel all my energy to finish up my collection of short stories. I thought of the title already. Tales of Steven and Scarlett. Steven otherwise known as Ming. I decided that Scarlett shall call him Steven, but Shan will call him Ming, and I decided to spell Scarlett with two Ts. And I decided to let Adele die off. Adele only refers to that young girl who died, the rest will all be Scarlett. I will need to edit the earlier pieces of which the characters were unnamed.
That time someone also once said that I shouldn't write too much because the more I write the more I take after the characters and I'm in fact screwing myself left right centre. I don't deny that I'm taking after my characters more and more, but well... I wonder if I'd end up as an as screwed up writer like Yuki, and spend the rest of my life going in and out of the psychaitrist. hehehe... At least Yuki has Shuichi.
If I were to die tomorrow, will anyone miss me?
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11 comments:
if you die tomorrow, of cos got ppl miss you lah!
plz, don't let the undertaker earn this kind of money...
well, the thing is would the *key* person miss me, or would that person go on with life without ever knowing that i died.
anyway, today me is in a good mood so me not talking about death tonight~
Er... if u died liao, would it matter if the *key* person (whoever he may be) misses u or not? U would not be around to see it... Like that, ur death would have be of no benefit to you at all... Why do something that is so lugi leh?
what if i do this?
http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2006/03/blog-post_16.html
okay, me today still in a good mood, so still not talking about deaths~ lol~
I hope that you will never never want to talk about death again. :)
Er... u mean take revenge? You can do anything you like, even commit suicide, as long as you are willing to take the consequences and in the real world, there are consequences to almost every action...
From personal experience, taking revenge on someone is very expensive. Only one life confirm gets destroyed, the one plotting the payback. Like one of my friends told me, "Take revenge? Who has the time? I'm so busy with my life that I don't even have the time to rest, let alone plot against someone else... If someone betrays you, confront that person, get an answer as to why he/she did what they did. Tell them how they hurt you. And after that, don't bother yourself with such people anymore. Dun bother to give them a second chance to hurt you."
Er... just to reiterate, I don't know you personally... I first found your blog b'cos you wrote about the History department... :)
dunno... i thought can make use of death to make someone feel guilty, the guilt is a form of revenge i guess. but then again, perhaps that person might not even be affected by any deaths or anything. ah well... just some emo thoughts~
thanks for coming by my blog, anon, and thanks for your comments~
ya lor, that person might not even know that you did it for his sake... (again, personal experience) So bo hua... then all those people who really love and care for you suddenly get deprived of your loving presence in their lives... it's really not fair to your family and friends who have spent so much time and effort on you... If you are still tempted to do something like that, at least do a CFA (consider all factors) or CBA (costs, benefits analysis) or PMI (pluses, minuses and interesting) analysis first...
You are welcome and thank you for the appreciation. :)
If you are not planning to do any studying for your exams, then I recommend that you read the book "de Bono's Thinking Course" by Edward de Bono or use the Six Thinking Hats to look at the problems in your life... Your perspective about things might change...
the latest anon: don't know if it's the same anon or not, but anyway, i'm not interested in self help, no, never, not unless i'm dead. besides, i'm fine with the problems in my life now, and i don't want to change my perspective.
*in a small voice* i just want the status quo...
I respect that. :) Edward de Bono's book is a book on thinking, not self-help. It is a method of thinking that is being taught in some schools and used in some business and govt organisations. I respect your decision and I trust that you will know what's the best thing to do for your own life. But if there's anything that you think I can help you with, don't hesitate to ask for it. Best wishes. :)
i see when i've the mood to read ba. but thinking books a bit not for bimbos leh...
thanks for the recommendation though~
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