Friday, August 11, 2006

Should I Or Shouldn't?

I always play this game when I can't decide. I call it the apple/orange game, but with variations. Usually people will ask apple or orange, but I like the two nouns to rhyme, so usually I'd pick tomato and potato. Anyway, it's late now. Don't know who should I pick to help me pick my choice. I don't know what's wrong with me.

3 engagements yesterday and 0 photos. Even though I felt good about the engagements yesterday, I don't really feel much better tomorrow, so I don't know what I'd do tomorrow. I've two other alternative plans tomorrow, but the main one is still breaking my head. But looking forward to tea tomorrow. I miss the food there.

Food can still be the same no matter what happens, as long as the whole kitchen team is not changed overnight, but people change. I once made a date with someone to go there for tea sometime. I even emailed that place and asked about prices and discounts and the menu and stuff, but well, just put it this way. The food can still be the same, the menu can still be the same, that eatery can still be the same, the price can also be the same (although i doubt it would), but I guess I won't have the chance to eat there with you. Maybe one day you'd go there with someone else, or maybe not, or maybe, what the fuck am I thinking? It was really bad having to search the emails just now to check the details for my tea tomorrow, but I guess there are somethings I need to live with.

I can say today is a day that the past came back to haunt. 3 and 5 both messaged me and remicsed about the past. I don't know if it's a good thing or bad. I don't even know if I'm happy or disappointed. I don't know how I'm feeling. And this was just after I was talking about 4 and 5 with a friend yesterday. We talked a bit about stuff. She's just broken off (okay, not so just, but just in Joan's relativity) with her (now) ex-boyfriend, somewhere along the lines, another girl did appear. My position is very different, but still all problems stemmed from the multiple boat stepping males. Really, I've been so disillusioned by males already, so why am I still not getting over the stupid problem of the one I mentioned above. Maybe I should give him a code or something if I really want to dwell deeper into that problem. hai...

I'll start outline the problem, it started from I don't know when. Maybe from two years ago, more than two years ago. But the main problem is that if I'm already disillusioned as I've always claimed, why am I still being affected? I'm screwed la. I'm so screwed that I don't know what I'm thinking.

I want to talk about my engagements yesterday even though I don't have pictures. It's really so indifferent of me not to have pictures because I'm the kind who'd snap freely when I'm in a good mood, and yesterday wasn't bad. Maybe I was too tired. I hope my engagement(s) tomorrow would be better. But then again, the plan was to meet a certain person almost immediately after I returned to Singapore, that plan is now in the dustbin. hai... I really don't know why people can be busy. Maybe this is because I'm so not a busy person that I cannot understand the lives of busy people. I should not be affected, third time I'm saying this here. damn...

Anyway yesterday I took out my make up kit once again. It's the whole atmosphere is Singapore that compelled me to once again be the groomed person that I wasn't when I was in Germany. It's nice to paint my face even though my makeup's light. It just makes me feel so much better.

The first friend I met lost weight. bah~ Think we've both grown up a lot. The last time I met her was her birthday party, of course, she was radiant. Now, guess things have changed, people have matured, and well, relationships do take a turn. We also talked about other people in our clique, and how they are. I thought about someone I once regarded as my best friend. I think she's still a very good friend of mine, but sometime somewhere we both stopped contacting. The last time we chatted she had some problems, so I don't know how's she now. hai... Maybe I should pick up the phone before I regret. Then we also talked about mahjong. I was thinking, it would be nice if we could form a mahjong support group and like meet regularly just to play mahjong. But of course, I forgot that I'm the only person with a whole lot of time on my hands, and everyone else is busy with god knows what.

Guess now, it'd only take the next person's birthday for us to be gathered together again.

The next engagement was incidentally to a birthday party. It was a surprise birthday party. In the whole party, other than the birthday girl I knew only two other people. Well, I guess it's because of the geographical difference. There was once a time when I said that Singapore is so small that you'll bound to meet the same people, especially when we are all from the same education system (meaning that we were all smart people who ended up in junior colleges and universities), but then again, Singapore is really bigger than I thought. My friend who went to the party too, knew a couple of people by face in the party. That was because she grew up in the West. The East Coast girl knows nothing about Jurong. Near the MRT station there was this place called the Jurong Entertainment Centre, all of them said they grew up there, spent their after school hours there, but I've never even heard of that place in my entire life.

It was a bit awkward in the party since me and my friend didn't interact with the birthday girl's other friends, but it was still a very cosy party and the birthday girl was so surprised, and very happy and touched. It's nice to see a smile on her face. It's nice to see smiles on people's faces.

I felt quite bad because throughout the party I was dozing off. I was so tired because of the lack of sleep and ended up dozing off on the couch every moment I stopped talking. I even slept on the train to and from the party, almost missing my stop. But despite my lack of sleep, I arranged for supper with another friend.

I had cravings for icecream, and something sweet. And I didn't feel like going home. After all, going home means going back online, and wasting time doing nothing on the world wide web. I have my mangas to read, but it's still not very productive. I arranged to meet my friend at Siglap, so I thought taking a train to Tanah Merah MRT would be more appropriate. At Tanah Merah, I could take either 12 or 14 but the buses were in different directions, and as you know because of the MRT station, it's impossible to stand on one side of the road and watch out for the other. Heck, I couldn't even see the oncoming buses from the other side. So it's either 12 or 14. In the end I picked 12 because the physical journey was shorter. But I guess I was really down in luck. After waiting 45min for the bus, it never appeared. In the end, to cut short my friend's waiting, I cabbed down. And I experienced for myself full blown the impact of the rise in cab fares. it cost me $5 to get to Siglap from Tanah Merah. Damn... If I knew I wanted to cab, I should have went to Bedok. kanasai...

At first I wanted to go Gelare for icecream and waffles, but the queue was horrendously long. My friend sitting down there and waited said the queue had been that long ever since he arrived. In the end, we went down Cartel and had milkshakes and wings. A chocolate milkshake is always a good comforting food.

Oh well... I don't know how it would be like tomorrow. Think I'll just cross my fingers and hope things will turn out okay.

One a happier note. I've got my modules I bidded for. Luckily no need for a back up plan. I hope I get my tutorials too. I hate CORS. Have I mentioned it before? It's so traumatising to see someone placing a 2053 bid on a module. You know what, I have currently 2500 points in my programme account. By next semester I'll have more than 3000 points. I will throw all 3000 points in one of my modules and scare and traumatise everyone in my module. Of course, I'll pick a popular module with high number of candidates so that I can traumatise more people. This is payback time~ (Just realised that this fits in the category of should or shouldn't. lol~)

I guess it's time to sleep. If I appear tomorrow, it means I appear. If I don't means I don't. I'll bring along my bottle of vodka. If you want to drink, drink. If you don't want, I think I'll leave.

Good night~

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

There is something about men all women should know: they are always shopping for women. Good men would stop shopping when they decide to make a commitment or "go steady" but before they announce that they would make an exclusive commitment, they would forever be shopping. So, don't just date one person, date as many as you possibly can until you decide to accept one of them to be in a committed relationship with you, cos women can also shop for men and guess what, men actually do expect women to do the same as them, unless they are already in a committed relationship with them... So, no need to "pick", just continue to date them all. At least go on a few more dates before you go exclusive with anyone. The best thing is to keep accepting dates from other men cos men are quite "cheap" in that they are rather competitive. Nothing gets them hotter for a woman than when they know that they have to compete with other men for her love and affection. I used to think that it's weird... but not anymore.

The best thing about dating lots of people is that when one prospect doesn't work out, you won't feel so angry/disappointed cos there are other options that would work out. You also prevent yourself from overinvesting in any one of them. :) Don't ever let one single person determine your life/self-worth ever again, cos guess what? You are worthy only of the very best. You deserve a man who loves, adores and respects you and who treats you like a princess and who has your best interests at heart. He would never hurt you in the name of love and he would never let anyone hurt you either. He will protect you with his life and he will never give up on you. He won't call you names, won't villify you in front of anyone and would never deny that he loves you in front of other people or tries to keep your relationship a secret. And if any guy cannot do the above for you and who doesn't treat you well or disrespects you in any way, he just isn't worthy of you and he doesn't deserve you.

I feel like I'm a bit like you. I too, let a single man (almost) destroy my life. From 18-25, I loved this man more than anything in my life and perhaps, a part of me still does, but his actions have destroyed my self-esteem and caused me great hurt and pain, so I empathise with your situation or what I read as your situation.

Anyway, good luck to those guys who are now competing for your affections. :)

- Jean

N/B: I'm not someone you know in real life and we don't know each other personally. Just happened to read your page one day and continued reading it from time to time. You've been through much but so has everyone else. We like to think that our suffering is unique, but everyone has their own private suffering that they don't share. So, don't let depression or self-pity get you down. Jia You or! :)