I thought hard about it before picking up to write this post because it is really one that delves deep into the darkness of my heart. I'm used to self-censorship because I don't know who reads my blog (a couple of days ago a prof dropped me an email and mentioned a bit about the blog entry which I confessed to not having studied for the exams, erm... Just hope I won't be marked down next semester.), but somehow, I need this outlet to chronicle some of my deepest thoughts.
I was talking to Cindy yesterday about relationships, love horoscopes and about guys. She mentioned that she liked playing mind games, she thinks that that's the fun in romance. She also said that she doesn't want to be hurt, and in protecting herself from being hurt, she "plays" without being serious. Maybe it's because of her character, or her past experiences of being hurt. I thought about myself, in every aspect, I disagree with her views. I can't afford to play any mind games because I take things too seriously and ultimately always end up hurt. I'm also too jaded from playing, too jaded from being hurt, too jaded for everything. Maybe it's because of my character, or my past experiences of being hurt.
Friends that came from way back with me would know the whole story about X, and how much time and youth I've wasted. From the past experience of X, I'm now very guarded about my relationships. Not many people know anything about my private life. On a hand count, there's Cindy which I only told her about some stuff yesterday, there's Yanwei, who knows a very biased bit, Eugene, a fairer account, but still a bit nonetheless, Peiting knows a bit too and a bit about another encounter but I haven't really chatted with her since quite some time ago, so it's not that up to date. Jinwei used to know a bit more, but since the beginning of last semester when he disappeared from MSN and we drifted apart, well... Even all these people whom I did mention something to, no one really knows the whole picture of what's happening. I confess, sometimes I lie, sometimes I leave out major information, sometimes I give out false information, sometimes I just don't wish to talk about it.
It's very interesting that other than Peiting, the rest who knows about me aren't people who came from way back with me, and I think this might also be the reason why I think I'm trying to distance myself from the people from way back. Even the Chinese Drama people, I see myself trying to shy away from them of late. I'm no longer comfortable among people who have a misconception of me, and people whom I think can't reach the complex level of my emotions and thoughts. Going out with the girls can sometimes be a chore because they all seem to be living in their own protected world. Okay, it might also be because I don't bother prying details of people's private life that i might misunderstand people. But facts remain, how many of them, how many people in general been through what I've been through?
Eugene and Yanwei might have their own problems, it might be complicated problems, but put things straight down the line, those aren't problems that can't be solved. I might be getting a bit over indulgent with my problems here, but I can't help but feel this way seeing how other people talk about their problems which they think are so great but to me it's just nothing, and to see some people, like the girls, who are still innocent, and protected, honestly, it irks me. It irks me so much that I hate myself.
Sometimes I wish I could live a normal life, find a normal guy, fall in love, romance the normal way, go for a normal dinner, watch a normal movie, talk normal walks, do normal things, talk normal issues, and have a peaceful life. But after experiencing upheavals, can I accept a normal life? I don't know...
Cindy said, as long as I'm happy, if not I should reconsider. But happiness is something self-defined. Who can determine if I'm happy? Myself. And how do I say I'm happy? It's difficult. This is also another reason why I hate to talk about my problems. I know what people will advise me to do, and I know that I won't heed any of their advice. I know what is the "correct" thing to do, but I don't want to do it.
As I said previously, most of the time when I tell things to people, I don't say the whole truth. One very important detail I always seems to leave out is my own failings. I'm not as saintly as I always try to victimise myself. I always say how bad how bad it is that I'm always being lied to, but I lie too, and the fact that I stuck on also shows that I am no longer the victim.
Cindy asked me what kind of guys do I generally like, or don't like. I said I generally dislike stupid people, or people who think they are smart but are not. I don't like immatured pricks, people without drive, people without a mind of their own... But the more I think about people I don't like the more I can't think of people I might like. Then there's my problem too.
argh... I'm losing my train of thought.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
Talk about another thing instead. Cindy and I went through this list of horoscopes which supposedly shows some love meter thing. I seem to be able to hit off well with (I think) Taurus, Cancer, Virgo, Scorpio, so I thought back on the kind of guys I like(d). Then I realised, it doesn't really matter now because different people have different personalities, different experiences which contribute differently to their thoughts and perceptions.
Jinwei once said that I should try out something more normal so that I won't fall further in my own rough patch. I didn't heed it. Don't know why, but now thinking back, maybe I should have... Would now be too late?
I have four more days to think about it.