Rin

What is Rin?

Or maybe to be a little more precise, I should ask, "Who is Rin?"

She's a character from Fruitsbasket, a manga I'm reading now, there's also an anime for that series. Her real name's Isuzu Sohma, but everyone calls her Rin cos "rin" is the sound for a suzu, bell, furthermore, Rin suits her better... She's a girl who loves passionately but for some reasons have to leave the one she loves in order for him to live a better life. She grew up as a girl without proper family love and hence she doesn't fully understand love, yet she is so passionate. A complex girl who wants to seek solace but doesn't dare to show her fraility. Below is a series of quote from Fruitsbasket 14 regarding Rin...

"Are you blaming me?

Maybe I should try talking to him again. But no matter how many times I go to him, will I keep getting stonewalled?

I just wish I'd been borned inside Haru's heart. That way we'd always be together. If Haru were to die, I'd die right along with him. But if we did that, we'd never be able to kiss, or anything... Haru... But I... Haru...

- I keep seeing that scene... that nightmare... I've got to wake up!
+ I've got to find it...
- I've got to open my eyes...
+ I've to to find a way...
- I've got to end this... I've got to end this once and for all...

Even though I was such a burden, you tried and tried and tried. And in the end, you snapped. Never again... Nothing will ever be the same again, you said that, you didn't want me anymore. I'm so afraid... so afraid... I just can't stand it anymore.

Whenever stepped into the house, that uncertain feeling would overwhelm me. Were they in a good mood, or a bad one? I waited for that day that it would all just blow over. Like an unfeeling 'object', like a cold hard rock. Hoping that maybe they'd forgive me. Someday, you'd forgive me, won't you? Things will return to the way they were, right?

Every time when I struggled to find answers to the questions that could never be answered Haru would appear in front of me. He'd bring me out into the sunshine and we'd talk about all sorts of silly things. We'd have our meals together, and he'd come to visit me in hospital. Haru would always seek me out. Whenever Haru was by my side, all my pain and suffering disappeared.

I love Haru. I can't live without him. Without him I'd lose all sense of security... I won't feel safe anymore... I don't want anyone but Haru. I want Haru, I want all of him. That desire just keeps getting stronger and stronger.

But my kind of love, will only destroy Haru in the end. If Haru were to hate me, and leave me... If he were to disappear from my life...

I lost all sense of reason. I loved him too much. Even though I knew it was wrong, I couldn't let it go. I felt so distorted inside. Why must it be so complicated? Even as we held hands, and our bodies touched, I wanted him, yet I was afraid. When I thought about what Akito might do if he ever found out, I just got more and more terrified.

But Haru, he told me that he wants me. Even though I've been told many times that I'm not wanted. At least there was one person in my life who wanted me. I feel so happy. Such a wonderful feeling of contentment. I was content(sic). Thank you. You made me so happy. But it's enough, it's enough now, Haru. From now onwards, it's your turn to find true happiness. Release yourself from me, from Akito. I want to free him from his barriers. Haru's tru happiness lies beyond me. There's a whole wide world out there to explore and discover! Even if it means that my life will be empty from now on. I'm willing to let it go.

I hate you...
But it wasn't my intention. It was the only way I knew to express it. I don't want to see innocents like you tainted and hurt...

I hate this... That's why, to her, I didn't want to get close. She's the sort of person, the sort of girl you'd feel like pouring your heart out to. Just like that time...
Looking at her made me feel like crying. I wanted to run to her, to lay my head in her lap and tell her all my troubles. Like a child finding solace in her mother's arms...
Maybe if I told her of all the weaknesses that is in my heart, that way, I'd find forgiveness and understanding. Perhaps I will be accepted for who I am...
It's just too much, too much to bear. I'm so pathetic! People like me only know how to latch onto people like her. We yearn for them and feed off their hope. That's why I can't allow myself to fall back on old habits. I'm fine alone. I must keep going by myself...
It doesn't matter if no one understands me. Doesn't matter if everyone hates me. Doesn't matter if I'm all alone...
I was so sure of my decision. So determined not to cry anymore... and yet...
I'm sorry... I'm sorry for weeping on your shoulder... for being so helpless... so weak... I'm sorry...

I don't have the strength to stand on my own anymore...

That morning, we watched the sun as it rose quietly, bathing everything around us in its warm radiance. Even places far away were touched by its glowing rays of light.

Together for always... No one seems to see that beyond this door, she's quietly crumbling. I can sense it somehow. If it comes to that it will be irrecoverable. I hope someone will appear before her, someone who can unlock the door, just like Haru was there for me. She really needs someone like that in her life.
Someone who knows and fears loneliness will always have love for others..."

I think deep down I'm indeed a very lonely person. Yes, I have family and friends and many people physically by my side, but there's also something I seriously lack and this void in my emotional self cannot be filled up by my family and or by those friends I speak of. It's not that they are not important, cos they are, but just that I don't know how to describe the difference.

There is just this void in me, just like Rin. The loneliness and the fear of loneliness...

Consuming me...
Engulfing me...

And me wanting to break through all that...

Unlike Rin, I have no Haru by my side, I cannot seek solace even from him, much less others. If there was one thing I could change in my life, I think i'd turn time back and not waste my time on an x, instead, probably I'd open my life out... maybe...

Rin...