Monday, February 13, 2006

9 Months

In the nine months, she saw him preparing to get married to his then girlfriend, to their breakup and to him getting a new girlfriend. And all these while, she sat by her bedside, with only her unborn son for company, washing her face with tears the whole day.

They knew each other from the internet, the place where anyone can get to know everyone, and under the table sexual deals can be made with a click of the index finger and a couple of presses on the keyboard. Their relationship then was purely virtual. He had his girlfriend, who soon became his fiance as time went by, and she was in a sticky relationship with another guy, whom later she found out was married, making her relationship in a greater mess than it already was.

But that didn't matter, what was online was deviod of all those troubles. There was only fun in their little virtual world. And with them agreeing that they were not going to meet in the real world, they did almost everything they could do in the virtual world, after all, there were no consequences, they thought.

In their little virtual world, there were only the both of them, and a little bit more fun. They treated each other as friends, but were they really friends or was there more to it, that remains as an open question. Lines between the virtual realm and reality soon blurred when they started being more than just physical. They got to know more about each other, as a wholesome person as they continued chatting with each other. Sex talk was only about just that, they couldn't possibly only talk about sex 24/7.

She got to know him as a caring guy, although a bit naughty, but still a nice guy. He was there for her everytime she was unwell, or when she had problems in her sticky relationship. He was always there for her. He got to know her as a cute spunky girl who can become emotional at times, but her vulnerability touched him.

Finally they met. But they made the huge mistake in not meeting as friends, but meeting as lovers, wanting to have a romp, a sexual escapade.

He was having problems with his girlfriend, who was on the verge of becoming his fiance, they were supposed to get married, but plans stalled and problems arose, he was getting frustrated with her. He wanted to meet her ease his frustrations. And maybe give her a last little something before he got married.

She decided to meet him because she was having problems of her own too. Her own relationship was going seriously wrong when she uncovered that the guy she was with was married. Maybe it was out of spite, maybe it was also out of frustration, she questioned her loyalty to him which was the very thing that had all along stopped her from wanting to meet him.

But they stopped short at sex on their first meeting. She pulled back. She knew where he was from and didn't want what she was going through at that time to repeat itself sometime in the future. He was disappointed. He wanted sex but didn't manage to get any from her, he became more frustrated, this time with her.

Their little escapade however did not end there, it ended with her in tears, and him making a promise to her which he would soon regret.

Their escapade was interrupted with a phonecall to her from her guy seeking a sexual favour. She stupidly went for it, and disappointed him. He saw her emotionally tortured by that guy, and that pained him. In the heat of the passion, he told her he really liked her and didn't want her to be pained anymore. She took his words to be true and clung onto him like a drowning person to a lifebouy.

That promise turned life to hell for the both of them.

They both went back to reality of their private lives after the escapade and back to their little virtual world. But in that virtual world things started to change. He started showing more passion to her. At first, she resisted his passions because she knew he was going to get married, but after persistent efforts from him, she was won over. That marked another turning point of no return in their relationship.

They met a second time, and that consolidated all her feelings she had for him, but that also led him to realise that she was starting to be increasingly reliant on him and he was not very comfortable with that. It was evident from that second meeting that she was not really for him, but little did he know that his pressure on her previously had forced her towards the brink of depression.

At first she hid her condition from him, but it was no use, her condition had taken a serious turn that she started hallucinating and translated her hallucinations to reality to him. Instead of being patient with her and nursing her back to health like what she thought he would do after he had given her his word after their first meeting, he shunned her. That led to her final disintergration.

With remnant effects of her condition and a bit of her hope, she asked to meet him for the third time. It was supposed to be a friendly meeting, but the primate instincts in them took over.

After that night, she ended up pregnant.

She kept it to herself as she didn't want any trouble for him, he had his whole life without her laid in front of him. He didn't need her.

Then came a piece of good news, had she thought it was then. He broke up with his fiance. The problems they previously had could not be resolved. That was a blow for him she didn't imagine he would have. He turned into a different person totally. Maybe he blamed her for all his problems, or maybe she was also changing.

On top of her depressions and hallucinations, she was further diagnosed with pre natal depression.

In a final bid to get him to her, especially now that she knew he didn't have to worry about any other girl, she hinted to him about her pregnancy. She knew what she wanted to do with the child but she didn't know what he wanted to do about it. She needed to know this. She sent a long email to him hinting about some thing but concealling facts of other things, she just wanted to get him to contact her and then discuss things out, preferably in person.

He didn't want to meet her. Instead he asked her that if she was indeed pregnant, the only possible consequence was an abortion which was definitely nowhere near what she wanted. She wanted to keep the child, she wanted maybe some sort of commitment from him, maybe not to her directly, but at least to his child, she wanted some sort of acknowledgement of him over the child. He didn't.

Instead, he started accusing her of using pregnancy to threaten him. He started accusing her of the child possibly being some other guys, after all, they shared only one night together.

Between her bouts of depression, she alternated between tearing over his heartlessness and his change of treatment of her and rationally deciding what she should do with his child. She finally decided to take it all upon herself. She told him that she had tested herself for pregnancy and she wasn't pregnant at all hence absolving him from all possible commitment he had left for her, relieving him everything. He didn't need to know anything more than nothing, she thought as she packed up her bags and prepared to leave the country. There was no way she could remain at home since she was pregnant, and she could not risk allowing anyone other than her closest compainions to know about it.

Before she left, she wanted to see him one last time. She bought a ticket, bought ingredients and baked a cake and some cookies for him for it was decided that she would look for him on the eve of Valentine. Maybe deep down in her, she wanted to salvage some hope that her child could be recognised by him. Or maybe she just wanted him for herself.

That night she wanted to ask him out, he told her that he had a new girlfriend. She was devastated. Her bouts of depression set in again. She turned hysterical. She still asked him out though not citing her true intentions, but he markedly said something that thrusted into her heart like a blade of dagger. He had an appointment with his girlfriend the day she proposed to meet him.

A sharp pain seared through her stomach. She rolled on her bed in agony. She turned and stared at the cake and the bag of cookies on her table in disgust. She lay flat between her sheets and hallucinated again.

When she woke up, her heart stopped beating. She picked up her bags which she prepared for her trip and left her house. She got her ticket only at the airport counter and called up her family friend over in London where she had planned to head for to give birth. She spent the whole of Valentine's on the aeroplane, alternating between imagining about how he was spending the night with his girlfriend, and her tearing over that possible image. She also thought about how her life would be ruined now that her life would just not revolve around herself. In fact, if it weren't for her child, she might have just ended her life along with the ceasure of her heart beating.

The child gave a her hope while it caused her misery, just like his words of promise once lit up her life is now causing her much physical, mental and emotional distress.

Life in London was simple. She stayed at home and watched the television for half the day. She spent the next half of the day by her notebook recording down all her feelings and emotions at that time. In between, she had her tummy scanned and it was a son. She decided to name her son after him, but that he would follow her family name, after all she was bringing up her son by herself.

She stopped all contact with him. Since he thought of her as an emotional nutcase, she decided that perhaps, it would be better for him to be totally out of her life and continue his life along with his girlfriend. It was time for him to get married and start a family after all. His girlfriend could bear him children too, and he really didn't need her around anymore.

Maybe she really did love him, to have made that decision.

Still it was not easy for her to carry out her own decision. Her hallucinating mind overtook her some of the worse days had almost forced her to fly back to meet him in her bloated tummy. Her housemate binded her arms and legs to the bed or the armchair on these particularly bad days at her request. Neighbours thought that she was housing some wild dog or cat as she wailed and howled in tears. During this time, she didn't dare take any medications to control her depression as she was afraid of adverse effects on her child even though her doctor assured her that it was okay.

She gave birth a couple of weeks short of nine months. She nursed him, and hence continued to refuse any medication. In a faraway land, with only a child with her, and bills to pay, and a housemate who was unconcerned about her, and a history of mental illness, she succumbed to post natal depression. The doctor said that it was not surprising, but she thought it was. She had really wanted to break free from all those chains and ledges upon her, but she still was not able to shake it all free. That further depressed her.

She stayed in London for a couple more months before returning back home with her son.

Her son gave her hope and motivation to start life anew. Everytime she felt down and out, she'd turn back to her son and coo at him. She knew this Steven would never leave her.

1 comment:

Fatboi Slim said...

I enjoyed this story! Very well-written. =)