Tuesday, January 10, 2006


I'm don't know what I'm feeling now. I feel so restless and so lost like I've lost all aim and motivation.

Bear with me as I bring you in chronological order of my day yesterday. I think it might have been that too many things have happened and my puny brain is unable to fit everything in and now I've the huge information overload and the worse thing that can happen? Waking up thinking of something totally undefined.

I woke up at 7am. Brushed my teeth, washed my face, packed my bag, couldn't find my notebook and hurried into a frenzy looking for it. I had a meeting at 9am but I threw a temper and said I'd only go at 10am cos I've had something planned. Yes, I planned to sleep a bit more. Maybe I should talk about the night before, I couldn't sleep. I woke up feeling like I hadn't slept at all. It sucked. I pulled on a huge amount of clothes on me cos it was freaking cold. Two days straight of raining. How gloomy can the first day of school get?

The bus ride to school was terrible. I stupidly sat right at the back of the bus and got a huge headache from the bumpy ride. I almost wanted to vomit like every two minutes. I don't know is it due to my sickness or the stupid ride, but it seems to be due to the ride cos I changed seats halfway through the journey and I felt loads better. I reached my meeting at 930 which I thought I was being a damn nice person by compromising. Maybe I shouldn't always rely on my mood to get stuff done.

The meeting was boring, like every other meeting, but this meeting made us realise how in need of money we are. The meeting ended later than I thought so that didn't give me enough time to take a nap. I rushed off after lunch to print my notes. I hate the bloody packed canteen and the bloodier long queue in the library. I hate people.

I finally sent out an email to Mr Ow regarding my SEP. Can't stand waiting any longer. I want to take leave of absence.

I finally went for my classes at 2pm, and the other at 4pm. It's amazing to see familiar faces popping up everywhere. I've seen like half the class from both classes from other classes before. Seems like the history community in NUS isn't really that big after all. This semester these two History teachers are new to me, an Italian and a British, very interesting mix of people. And it seems like everyone has something against Prof Farrell, both made jokes about "Brian Farrell". Suddenly can't wait for my Imperialism class with Prof Farrell on Friday, wonder who can he make fun of.

After school I went to watch movie with a friend. We went Marina Square. First time in my entire life Marina was like so darn packed up humans. Why? Cos there was a SHE autograph session. And the freaking queue was so long that we finished out meal and people are still queuing outside, and we took a damn long time to find the restaurant and eat our food lor.

The blind Joan with no sense of direction struck again and this time the poor guy with me is Yanwei. I'm very sorry for making you walk the whole of Marina. I think Joan should just give up trying to lead the way. We wanted to go Carl's Jr for dinner, but we just couldn't seem to be able to find it. And I only remembered it being "opposite a slimming centre" and couldn't remember other details. I think we walked the whole of Marina Square until I almost thought that Carl's Jr might have moved away until I saw people from the autograph session holding Carl's Jr's drinks.

Carl's Jr was damn packed with kids. Sian.

The movie. I have no idea what I can say about this movie. I don't even know how to feel after watching this movie. The movie seems to be relating the life of this person and we are brought to meet him from him 20 years old all the way until he died at about 100. And I couldn't understand how I felt about him. As Yanwei puts it, this film is just "too negative". Everything was negative in the movie, there wasn't a single thing positive about the movie. All the characters in the film are all fucked up, and I really do mean ALL. Even the kids, damn fucked up. It's not a film to watch on such a gloomy day. Still, the film was great in the sense that it is a good film, just that, I think it's affecting me too much. It's affecting me to think of what I'm thinking and I don't know what I'm thinking.

The whole night I thought of something undefined, I woke up thinking of something undefined. Now that undefined thing is occupying all my thoughts. Suddenly, I despise myself. I hate myself. But yet I'm proud of all those I've sacrificed.

I don't know...

I need an antidote. Should I get it from the undefined or should I seek from other resources or should I just get on myself?

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