On Another Clothing Trail

This afternoon I went with my sister and my cousin on yet another shopping trip. With the experience two days ago, I continued the fitting of clothes frenzy and tried on a whole lot more clothes. As with the previous experience, I bought one piece out of all the pieces I tried on. I hadn't wanted to buy anything when I went on this trip, but but but...

Unlike town, I realised one thing about fitting rooms in Bugis, they are a lot smaller and darker hence some of the photos didn't turn out very nice. Actually, after reviewing most pictures I realise that the angled shots taken don't really do much justice to me. I've long legs, to make my legs look nicer, it would be better to take photos from down-up, but as me stuck in the cramp little fitting room having to take self-taken shots, I can only take photos top-down, and that I feel, don't really do justice to my legs. wahaha~


A black dress from Elle Active I seen in Bugis Seiyu, $59. I thought the hood looked cute on the dress, reminds me of something Zihui would wear. It also comes in purple and weird red and some other weird colours, black looked the most decent though. But it's also straight cut, so it doesn't really look that flattering on me, cannot show my curves. lol~


A red and white batik designed spaghetti strap sundress from Urban Co, $59. It's the nicest dress I tried on this afternoon. The material is nice and soft to touch and feels very comfortable on me and it makes my boobs look bigger and hides my tummy well and shows off some curves and cleavage. Just too bad I was wearing a tube bra when I tried on that dress.


A red bikini from this bikini shop in Bugis, can't remember the name of the shop, $130. I thought the cutting of the bikini looked pretty interesting, just that as like most bikinis, because me don't have the substance to fit in the bikini, me can't wear it well. And me got tummy. No photoshopping out the tummy. But hey, life is fair, I get my nice legs in exchange for the horrible tummy. Just too bad this picture didn't show my legs cos I was wearing a short short skirt out shopping today. hehehe~


Grey shorts with white details in print from Surf and Ski, $89. It's soft cotton denim like material, a very comfortable wear and looks very nice on me. And I am looking for another pair of shorts having worn the same pair like over and over again. But I didn't like this colour, grey looks a bit deary on me. And the thought that they have the same design in red, my colour, but the red they don't have it in my size. wahaha~ $89... Maybe I wouldn't have bought it either, but it is the greatest temptation of the day.


See the red one, looks so much nicer on me. But this is one size bigger than my size, I can wear it as a hipster, but it's already a hipster so it's super hippie for me and the cutting around the thighs also feels very "open" and "airy". hehehe~ So, I didn't get it in the end. Seriously, I think if they had that in my size I really might have bought it.


A black skirt with white and lilac details from Billabong seen in the same shop as the shorts above, $59. This skirt isn't my size, it's one size larger so it looks super hipster when it is already a hipster. It was actually hanging precaciously on my hips and with a light tug you can get the skirt down.


The same skirt in brown and white and pink details in my size. Looks and feels better than the previous one, but brown... I already have a brown short skirt and I was wearing that that day too, you can se it in the above bikini photo vaguely. So I bought the black one in my size. Yup~ I bought this!!! Okay, not this but the previous one, which brings my tally of new skirts to three. I've now bought and have not worn three new skirts. All three new skirts are still in their packaging and hanging on my room door waiting to be washed and worn.


A black dress with a rose pinned in front by ICE, $109. I didn't really look that nice in the dress, it showed my bulging tummy but Suelynn looked splendid in it. She ended up feeling torn the whole day wanting or not to get that dress.


A black tube dress with crumples over the tummy and a flair skirt, some little shop in the Edge in Bugis, $49. This photo looks horrible cos this shop was little and the fitting room was not only little, it was also dimly lit and hence the photo cannot really show those details of the dress which make the dress look special. And also the dress was pretty loose, these dresses come in freesizing so if it's loose, it's loose.


The same black dress with the same details only in halterneck version, same price. I prefer halternecks cos I have nice boney and square and broad and nice shoulders and collarbone, so halternecks actually brings out the beauty of my shoulders and neck, and it makes my boobs looks bigger and my whole body a bit more shapely. But black? I did a double take and tried on the next piece...


The same dress in red. This this photo shows the details a bit clearer. Imagine these details on the previous two black dresses. Red is more of my colour and it looked pretty nice on me, but but but but but... This time got 5 buts. I was telling my sister, this looks like a dress worn to commit suicide. Looks like a dress worn to jump off a building. Reminds me very vividly of a screenplay I wrote, Scarlet Flight.

I think I'm on a roll lately. But don't think I'll actually dare to go on another shopping trip with those two girls in the very near future. I spent like more than a hundred dollars today, other than skirt I bought sever comic. I bought three Fruitsbasket after not buying it for a very long time, the latest Tsubasa, and Full Metal Alchemist, Chuangyi's English version at $8.50 per piece, I bought three pieces, I'm so broke now. I think Chuangyi is discriminating English readers. This is so unfair! English versions of the same titles are like 20% more expensive.

Me think me go read me comics liao.

On the Clothing Trail

This afternoon met up with my sister and my cousin to do some shopping. I got into a clothes fitting mood and tried out a whole lot of clothes, but of all the many pieces I tried out I only got one piece, one skirt only, but it was still a fruitful shopping trip. It's not about the number of pieces of clothes bought but the number of pieces of clothes tried and the satisfaction of creating a memory out of once wearing those clothes.

I took picture of those pieces of clothes in the fitting room. Usually salespeople are quite anal of people taking photos in their stores, but to go around the problem, just take the photos in the fitting room where one is ensure maximum privacy. hahaha~ This might sound a bit cheapskate, but still, quite fun, trying on all the nice nice clothes.


A black dress from Xcessories, $49 only. I would have bought it if not for the fact that it's a bit to piecey. If I bend down, half my breast would show. The person recommended that I wear a tube inside, but the thing is that if I want to wear a dress why in the world would I wear a tube? diaoz...


A white bikini from New Urban Male, $150 for the set, but I only tried the top. Yes, that's my bulging tummy, no photoshopping from me, so don't laugh. It's a very interesting cut, looks very unique, but it's a white non-padded bikini, I don't have the confidence to wear it out, look quite flat in it and can see the nipple mark... hehehe~


A yellow and red skirt from Buttcheeks, $28 only. I would have bought it of not for the next piece of skirt.


A brown and pink skirt from Buttcheeks, $28 only. I bought it!!! When I tried the yellow and red piece I hadn't really thought of buying it cos I thought it cost a lot more. When I realised it was only $28, I bought it without thinking. I tried out the yellow and red one first cos I didn't really like brown, but after trying out the brown I thought the brown didn't look that brown, it looked pretty black, and very much less ugly than I thought. In fact, it looked very nice~ I love it~


White tube dress with details from Chaos, $119. It's asymetrical cut so it looks very beautiful on me. I would have bought it if I had a dinner and needed a dress, but I don't. I cannot think of any occasion for me to wear that dress, and I'm on a more saving mode now, and that I don't really fancy tubes, although that tube is nice, I have this fear for exposing myself when in a tube. lol~


Black retro print slinky dress also from Chaos, $79. Halter neck, I like, but it's knee length and straight lined so it's too long for me and too plain for my liking. It it was shorter, or if it was asymetrical cut, I think I might have bought it straight away, at $79, it was quite worth it.


Black cotton dress with detail prints from Tannlines, $89. Tank top neck with a short mini flair skirt, cute~ Just that I thought the skirt was a little short and when I walk can see my buttcheeks and the band for the skirt is a little too low of me, and a bit too narrow for my wide hips, so not exactly the most confortable piece of dress.

Yup~ Tried on that many clothes today. Even though I can't actually own every one of those, but the thought that I once wore them just feels so nice. Anyway, I actually do own one piece of those. hahaha~ The brown and pink skirt~ Can't wait to wear it... but maybe I should keep it for new year? We'll see how...

A Twist of Fate

A Twist of Fate

It's an SRT collaboration with VizPro. I saw the advert on TV on day some time during the exams and told my dad that that was a great show and it was a pity that I was not able to make it for the show because of the exams. I like SRT's productions and my dad knew that, he has been acting as a cab driver for me down to the DBS Arts Theatre more than a couple of times already.

That's just part of the story.

Then one fine day before my last paper, I decided that it's time for me to face up to someone and mark the complete to the circle. So I SMSed him out for coffee or something, hoping to bridge the gap that has rifted between us. Surprisingly, he asked me out for this show, A Twist of Fate. A pretty stoic show to mark everything which has happened between us. Student priced matinee, $60 only for stall seats, quite a steal. Actually, even without the steal of a price, I'd jump for the show.

Are things back to normal?

Fast forward to two days before the show. As mentioned previously in my entry, I fell sick and had that drug allergy and went for that scope, just the day before the appointment to watch the show. I was actually contemplating on Thursday night when my eyes were dilating and my eyeballs rolling up should I message him and tell him that I was sick, but in the end I didn't cos I couldn't see my handphone, actually. When my doctor subscribed me to the scope for the next day, I was wondering if I could actually still go out of my house the day after, but cos I was stuck in the hospital without my phone and everything I didn't manage to contact him. After I got back from the hospital, my eyes were back to normal, I talked it out with my parents and they thought it would be good for me to go out and get some fresh air. I also didn't think he could actually get a replacement that immediate, so I went.

One thing about being sick is that, I get to have my personal taxi driver in my dad. I know he has always been the best, but it's times like this that I actually realise he is better than the best. yup~ He gave me a lift down to Esplanade, and that made me early for my appointment. While waiting for him, honestly I a bit regretted meeting him and having to wait for him. It does feel odd, meeting someone you are so close to yet so distanced away from. And having to wait. yes~ Joan hates waiting...

Later, we started discussing about the local theatre scene. Mainly English theatre. It seems like in Singapore, the only sell outs are English dramas, Chinese dramas don't receive that much support of the local community. It's pretty sad, in that both of us are working so hard in Chinese drama yet seeing enough to feel so disheartened and want to shift our focus to something else. I have been attached to Dramabox for a month sometime during my JC days and I feel for the kind of dramas they put up, sort of experimental, and exploring drama. In English theatre, the kind of experimental theatre and exploring drama is typified by the dramas put up by The Necessary Stage.

But he sees more future in the dramas of Singapore Repertory Theatre. I enjoy watching productions by SRT, but what I can say about their theatre is that, it's main aim is more of to make money that to do drama. But as what he says, making money is important. Take me for example, even though I might feel for experimental plays and exploring dramas, it is the conventional productions which I actually am more willing to part my money with to watch, and the economics does add up that way.

A Twist of Fate was touted as "the original murder mystery musical comedy". Someone from our Chinese Drama group once asked our tutor if it was possible to do a mystery play. Tecnically, it is very difficult to put in all the elements of suspense on a stage where the set is set and everything is on stage, but looking at the result of A Twist of Fate, I'd say, "way cool~"

Being a actress myself, I always find it commendable to act in a musical. Mainly due to the fact that I cannot sing for nuts, let alone sing and dance and act all at the same time, so I really admire the musical actors and actresses. Staging a musical has always been a dream by our drama group, but logistically, it's not very possible for us to stage it, hence I think this will remain as one of our regrets.

Since A Twist of Fate and ended its run and I think those who wants to watch it would have watched it already and those who don't want to watch it wouldn't be that interested anyway, so spoilers ahead as I give the plot of this musical away.

A Twist if Fate is set in 1937 Singapore, in a Peranakan family of the wealthy Lim Ching Boon, the title character never appears in the musical although it is casted and credited. His first wife died leaving him a daughter whom he spoiled. She grew up and ran away with an angmo, leaving a child behind and abandoned. Old Mr Lim took a second wife, previously being his maid, she bore him a daughter. Other people in the family included a servant boy, who was in love with the daughter, a nurse, who witnessed Old Mr Lim murdering his first daughter and her angmo boyfriend, a business associate who has a pretty suspicious relationship with the second wife, a lawyer whom he wanted to leave his fortune to also on pretty suspicious circumstances, and an angmo girl who came into the House of Lim searching for the truth behind her background.

Humorous with an added romantic twist coupled with the muder mystery and the mystery behind the background of the angmo girl, this musical was delightful to watch. Being the short-attention spanned girl, and just recovered from all that shit, I actually managed to sit through everything. Commendable efforts to Sheila Francisco who acted as the second wife, Ming. She was great as the matriarch and her powerful vocals illuminated the whole musical. Adrian Pang was great too. I almost couldn't recognise him. He was just as witty and funny and sprouting out one liners naturally like he was the character. Especially at the end when his secret was exposed, he was just as funny and amusing. The light-hearted romantic twist between Sebastian Tan's Ah See and Emma Yong's Alice was splendid and very very comical. In fact, he thought that Ah See was the most fun character to play with.

All the hype of bringing in Laura Michelle Kelly was pretty much over-hyped, I thought. Perhaps it was all that bringing in a professional West End actress and everything that made me expect so much more from her, but the thunder was stolen by her supporting cast with their little little antics. Anthony Drewe as the Inspector was also another disappointing character. He was more of a narrator than a sleuth which he was supposed to be. Secrets were exposed by themselves rather than him investigating it and exposing the lies and discrepancies.

Still, a fun and light-hearted musical which lit my day up.

Thanks for asking me out~ *curtseys*

Also thanks for accommodating my picky tongue and accompanying me to eat xiao long baos after the show. hahaha~ I really pushed my treshold for eating xiao long baos by downing two full baskets of it. 8 baos altogether and I still not sick and tired of them.

Suddenly I'm so looking forward to my this vacation. With a shopping trip with my cousin and sister, and Mirrormask coming up and another great movie, Perhaps Love which I can swoon over Takeshi Kaneshiro for 2 hours, and more outings with the girls, I'm really sorry I had to give Friday a pass, I was stuck in the operating theatre of East Shore Hospital.

Life is good. I must say...

Causing Anxiety

The past few days was really bad.

I received one piece of bad news followed by a bout of illness all over again. I started puking, and that got my parents worried, so I went to see the doctor. The doctor gave me some medicine, and a jab, thought everything would be fine after that.

The next day, my eyes started dilating and my eye balls rolled up, I couldn't will it to look anywhere down. It was back to the doctor again. So here I am with a drug allergy to vomitting medicine. The doctor gave me sedatives to calm me down and put me to sleep. I went back home got a good sleep then next day, my parents brought me to East Shore Hospital for a scope. To check if my stomach was fine.

In the hospital, everything was fine until my eye balls started rolling up again. I panicked and called the missy, but it cleared after about 10 min then I was seeing things normally again. But the doctor gave me more sedatives to put me to sleep. The doctor also requested to bring in a couple of medical students in to observe a scope being done and to see the insides of my stomach. That amused me, but I was okay with it. lol~

After the scope, I was put on more anaethasia and he put some weird liquid down my throat the let the camera to enter my throat more smoothly. The liquid tasted horrible, but I can't remember much of what happened after that.

When I woke up I was back at my ward, everything was finished. I saw the pictures of my stomach, everything was fine. The doctor suggested that my puking was probably caused by anxiety. yup~ And between all that, my parents found out about my depression and me being on prozac. But I think I shall stop my medication for a moment until my next appointment. Want to check with the doctor again. I don't want my eye balls to roll up again.

That's all for today, I'm too tired to type anything more liao. Anyway, worse come worse, me just give up everything ba... hehehe...

A Tribute to Hermit

Before I start writing out this post, I was wondering what format should this entry be like. Should I post an entry with lots of pictures of the said character, should I detail this entry with lots of links to the blogs of this person, or should I just write whatever I think about this guy. Well, you see, this guy here asked for a tribute written for him. But heck, I'm not going to do so much work for him. bleahz...

Instead I shall make this into more of a post about myself, referencing the guy who wanted a tribute. I was chatting with him one night and we talked about the 90s Canto and Mandopop songs. He sent me a couple of songs, and one of them was Andy Lau's Bu Neng Mei You Ni, translating loosely to Cannot Live Without You. It's a very standard 90s Andy Lau's song, but somehow, after repeated playing of this song on my Windows Music Player, the song stucked in my head. I ended up in my that self pity mode all over again.

《不能没有你》
刘德华

往事历历在心田
扯动强忍已久的思念
命运这样捉弄人
让你重新出现在眼前
不敢出声留住你
害怕伤心总会又重演
望着你背影
独自和冷风缠绵

挣扎不知多少年
才愿相信你早已走远
或许在别人怀里
才有你梦想中的春天
缘份不要我爱你
为何不让我心甘情愿
留下的回忆
还要折磨我几遍

我怨天怨地怨自己
不能没有你
我说情说爱说不尽
有谁愿意听
寂寞象是一把火烧
在漫漫黑夜里
照亮了过去
刺痛我的心
教我该如何平息

永远也无法平息

I was examining the reason behind my soft spots of Andy Lau and Aaron Kwok's songs of the 1990s. I think it was mainly because of my TV diet during that period of time. Andy Lau and Aaron Kwok, in the 1990s, acted in a whole lot of Hong Kong movies, and they would naturally sing the theme songs of those movies they acted in. Growing up in the 1990s, watching those Hong Kong movies and some drama serials, I grew to enjoy their songs. And those songs being written so vividly, everytime I hear them I can almost picture the scenes of the movies all over again. That was my childhood.

First thanks to that Hermit guy, for all those songs he sent me~
(hmm... With me publicly tributing my gratitude does that mean I can have those songs for free? hehehe~)

I wanted to link up his blog to his name, but cos he has retired from blogging currently so I don't suppose it makes any sense of me to link up a dead blog, does it? *waves* I suppose that's a hint for you to do something to your blog? hahaha~

一年了

时光匆匆 一去不回 不肯为谁稍作停留
只有留下片段回忆 让寂寞跟我走

这是郭富城的一首歌的歌词，可是接下来的歌词，我不能用。时间真得过得很快，瞬间就如此一年过去了。在这一年来的时间，我真得非常感激你，你让我看清楚世态炎凉，也让我成长许多。有缘让我们能相遇，有缘也让我们来到今天的这个样子，我没有什么能后悔。我也没有什么话要对你说，因为要说得都说了，我们就是这个样子，有话就说。很简单。

我不知道过了这一年我们还能有多少个一年。时间不在你我的控制范围内，我也答应了你所有好聚好散的可能，放心吧，我是不会反悔的。谢谢你，能这么相信我，这么信任我，我是不会让你失望的！

寒风吹起 细雨迷离 风雨揭开我的记忆
我像小船 寻找港湾 不能把你忘记
爱的希望 爱的回味 爱的往事难以追忆
风中花蕊 深怕枯萎 我愿意为你祝福

再来一段伍佰的歌，只是接下来的几句我写不下去。这几天连连下了好几场大雨，气温又低，不经意又想起了这首歌。我不知道当你唱着这首歌的时候你到底是在想些什么，我已经放弃了要尝试想你所想的东西了。太辛苦了，实在太辛苦了。

刚才跟你说，我昨晚又梦到你了，不对，是今天早上才对。其实我现在几乎每天都会梦到一样的东西，但每天的梦境都不停。我不知道我为什么会梦到这些，也不想去想我为何会有这些梦。我想梦都是虚构的吧。不愿再沉迷下去了吧。希望再过不久，我会好起来，到时候我们也许会比从前开心多一点点吧。请您保重。

我也会依旧在这里为你守候的。只要你有任何的需求，我能办到的，已定为你效劳！

我既然用了郭富城的歌词当开头，我也就顺便用他的歌词当结尾吧。只是希望这个结尾只是这段话的结尾，而不是我们的结尾。

总是想起你
每当一个人的时候

Viktor Krum vs Wayne Rooney

I went to watch Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire yesterday morning at 10am. Yea... You must think I must be crazy to watch that movie at that time. I think I am, but I was scared that other times might not be able to get tickets, so there I was at 10am on a monday morning with like 3 hours of sleep the night before.

I'm not going to give a blow by blow account on what happened in Harry Potter, neither am I going to do a movie review for it cos I think more than enough people have done more than enough publicity for it liao, but one thing I must say is that I think that Stanislav Ianevski person looks like Wayne Rooney.

Just look at the pictures...


They've both got this squarish face, they both got this big buff body, they both got this intense stare, they both got the brows seemingly locked together, and they coth got this face just that just shouts "come slap me, and I'll slap you back, hard!" They both are like so burly and want to bash people up anytime. Oh... And especially the maze scene when Krum was under the imperious curse and goes round attacking everyone else, he looked exactly like rooney during a football match!

I think I've just got nothing better to do, to put up something just like this. Anyway, I think I might watch the Manchester United vs Villareal match later. Just to watch how Rooney is like Krum. And by the way, in the Yule Ball scene when Krums greets Hermione, he actually did a military greeting, without the hand. His heels clicked. Okay, we didn't see his heels, but his body did moved as though his heels clicked, and I did hear a distinct clicking sound.

I like the clicking of heels as a military salute rather than the raising of a foot and stamping it into the ground we see nowadays. The clicking of heels looks so much more civilised and glam. Or am I overly affected by all that military history and nationalism I'm studying now? wahaha~

Okay, I'm doing a Wikipedia search on salutes but found nothing related to the clicking of heels, so I shall now type "clicking of heels". I wonder if there would be anything on it since I'm not very sure what the proper name for it should be. Okay, I can't get anything out of it, so the next search. hope I can find something interesting to share. Heck... I'll get back another day, can't find a picture of the clicking of heels. What Wikipedia has is only hand salutes.

I Lost Myself and Gained Another Baggage

I remember some time ago I told myself that I shall not bring all my emotional baggage out into the open again. For the sake of myself and the people around me, I should keep them somewhere inside me. But I failed horribly in trying to do so. In fact, in trying so hard to get back something I so wanted, I totally lost myself, and gained another emotional baggage.

I tried everything I could to hold onto it. I did the best I can. I tried being docile and always being around, that failed. I tried being the strong silent one giving advices cos someone told me that was better than being docile, that failed. I even tried mindfucking, that failed the worst. I got myself mindfucked and so unhappy and that happening to myself, I tried to play pay in on, and got myself doubly fucked. I can't mindfuck for anything other than me receiving another dose of mindfuck, this time from myself. I tried living with it, but I find my nights now driven into despair.

I once gave this analogy to a fast friend of mine. He tried probing into me, the nicest way I could say out this problem is that shit fell onto me. Not once, not twice, not even three times. Shit fell on me a goddamn four times. During that little conversation we had, we both concluded that I cannot go around letting shit fall on me again, but what he didn't know that that although I wiped off one of the shit on my head, I still have three pieces of shit left. Although one piece of shit is turning invisible, the fact remains that it is still there, although I have no idea if another piece of shit has yet turn invisible, the fact remains that it is still there, whether or not anyone can see it. And I won't be wanting to clear two pieces of the shit. I might be able to wipe off one piece of shit, but I can't bring myself to do it to the other two pieces. Even that piece which I might be able to wipe it off, it would really take me a big deal to get that piece of tissue paper.

Before we fell out, I had this friend whom I share all my problems to. I joked that perhaps I'm just suay, or I have a face that attracts shit, or I have the Midias Touch, only thateverything I touch will turn to shit. later, just before we fell out, he gave me this advice, don't bring out my emotional baggage to just about anyone. I heeded advice. That's why to fast friends, I don't dare delve deep into my problems. Even when I told the first friend my problems, I used a humorous analogy, and tried laughing it out.

but I almost made the mistake again. I think I am a person seeking comfort, so time to time I cannot control myself and want to seek solace in people. I'm emotionally overly dependent on others. But as someone had pointed it out somewhere I read, emotional baggage is not attractive. And if this goes on, I'll not only lose all possible friends who are of the same kind as my second friend.

This another fast friend of mine is potentially a piece of shit. maybe I should really heed the first friend's advice and steer myself far far away from all possible shit-like stuff, then maybe things will be fine after all. And I should keep my emotional baggage all to myself.

People don't know where you've come from, but they can see where you are heading towards.

What is the use of me hugging Nicky to sleep every night? What is the use of me continuing that hide and seek lifestyle? Even after that little hitch, can't learn from mistakes. What would take it for me to drop down everything and just start life anew without the shits or baggages.

I have this fantasy. Perhaps, sometime in the near future, someone can help me wipe off the shits on me, and to take over my baggages from me and perhaps chuck them aside. I can always get new clothes. But then, why must I need help? Why can't I clean off the shit myself or chuck the baggages away myself? Well, the only explanation I can give is not that I'm dependent on others, but I see it as a motivation. There is nothing now for me wo do clean up and spring cleaning, but if the need arises, I will have to do it. I can't will myself to want to do it, as of yet.

Suddenly I'm looking forward to my exchange programme. Maybe having a change in environment will do me some good. Maybe there is another life out there in the big big world. Maybe...

Or am I merely escaping from the problem? Would I come back to Singapore four months later to the same old problem to the same old shit and to the same old baggage? i hope this won't be the case.

I realised I've been blogging a lot lately, and some of these thoughts aren't really suitable for most people to read, but I'm still doing it. I need an avenue to discharge my feelings. Perhaps if there was an emotional version of a pensieve that can serve me to great use, if not, I hope by blogging things out I can feel more relaxed. The stress is getting into me too. I do lots of shit things during exams, can go and check my archiaves and see, everytime during exam period what are all the funny things I find myself doing.

I'm tired. I slept at 4+am last night and woke up at 8. I took an hour+ nap in the afternoon but was still very tired. I went to take another nap at 11pm and woke up at 1am. Maybe I should straight after typing this, time now, 2.37am, it's a bit more than half an hour since I started writing this entry.

Actually, I have a confession to make. I am nocturnal only because I am afraid of sleeping. I'm afraid of the day ending, and I lost another day by whiling myself away, so I try to procrastinate ending the day. Another thing I'm afraid of sleeping are the dreams I can have. No, not nightmares, but dreams, starkly true dreams. Some dreams can be sweet, reflecting my innermost desires, but when I wake up, there'd be this hollow feeling, because I know it is not possible. Some dreams reflect reality, the stark dreams that harshly reminds myself where is my position in life and warns me not to do anything stupid. I can feel the fear when I wake up to that.

But I'm tired. So I guess I really should be sleeping. My appointment is tomorrow. I'll see how things go from there, hope it would really do me at least some good instead of telling me the usual things of letting go.

Good night baby~ Come on Nicky, let's go...

This is Bad... Very Bad...

Pray... Tell me, what the fuck is this???

You Are 31 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

This is pretty screwed up. So, am I supposed to feel 31 years old? Oh shit... The little voices in me are telling me that this is supposed to be of such the case... After all the past events that affected me, I've aged terribly, so I'm now de facto 31 years old... Oh my god...

But I think the description is pretty screwed too. It's like so politically incorrect yet hurtfully true. Have I tasted success? What is success, maybe I should put it this way? And about true love, what is it really about? Is what I had/have/will have be considered as true love? Right now, I don't feel like thinking about anything much, just live life as it is. Maybe I am growing old. And maybe, by resting back, I'm actually seeking something else, something that might or might not come to me, but it's actually me trying to seek a different approach in life at this present moment.

Hope?

Pair

I was browsing through blogs when I came across this friend's. I just broke down crying as I read through it. It wasb't actually crying, but the tears just flow out naturally.

Nicky. That's all I'm left with now. But how can I compare Nicky with that pair hanging down the mirror? To think I was just all happy about things yesterday, today I'm pulled back into reality. When can I wake up from this nightmare?

Exams

It's the exams again. Here is Joan with nothing better to do, typing away on her blog. She basically screwed herself up this exams because of mismanagement of time and her stupid sicknesses. Yes, Joan have yet recovered, and she's on the nocturnal animal mode again, which means that she's so totally screwed.

She's only taking three papers this exama and the first papers is on the 24, which gave her the illusion that she had a lot of time, hence she totally squandered away the first couple of days of her so called reading week, or holiday as it seemed to her. But give her credit, she was and is still sick. It sucks to think that she is now into her second week straight of sickness, still doesn't seem that she looks like she's going to get well soon. She needs help man...

Next up, Joan has been hooked on the internet and all the she she can get from online. A couple of webbies she has been browsing through lately...

IMDb, where she goes through lists and lists of movies and movie stars and hang around reading message boards, often stalking rather than actually contributing. She also went on a voting spree and went ahead and voted for all her favourite pictures. She doesn't give a damn voting for lousy films though, but that's cos she doesn't give a damn reading about lousy films. The wonders of this site is that from one page, she can click on links and be directed to more and more pages and she can just go on reading about films for the whole day.

Wikipedia, the really trashy site with whole lot of useless information. Another thing absolutely wonderful is that this site is just like the above site which she can just click one links and go on reading about a hell lot of interesting titbits which are totally usless.

Okay, give it some credit, it answered one of Joan's deepest curiosity. Once when Joan was in the library wasting time, she picked up a book from the reference section titled Who's Who in Nazi Germany, and she spotted a very very familar name Helmuth von Moltke. History students would be very familiar with this name cos Joan knows two Helmuth von Moltkes throughout her study of history. So there she went thinking, does this guy have any relation to the two guys she knows, or is that guy one of the two guys she knows. Hence one very fine day, she decided to Wikipedia it and lo and behold, she arrived at this page, if you click on the above name, you would be at that page, and there she sees, clearly, there are THREE Helmuth von Moltkes. One is known as the elder, one the younger, and the other, not known as anything, but by his name. Okay, things aren't that complicated if you'd kno their second and third names, but who in the world would actually be able to do that? diaoz...

Then also because of TV addiction, Joan also scouted the web for all sorts of TV related websites, which so happened to end up in the category of Reality TV which sounds quite sad, but we must understand that Joan is a big Amazing Race and Survivor fan!

Amazing Race 8 Family Edition
She did a write about about it some time ago in her blog, if you want you can read it here. She now totally hates the Weavers and misses Carissa badly. She heard that the Linz would win, she's fine with that as long as it isn't the Weavers.

And there's also her favourite Survivor 11: Guatamala the Mayan Empire which she's addicted onto. Gary has all along been her favourite and she hopes Gary would win. She thinks Stephenie's a prick this season and would wish her out as soon as possible. She thinks Judd's an ass, but he's basically okay cos he's an ass. She thinks Lydia's totally stupid and useless and hopes she kena booted as soon as possible. She thinks Cindy's chio and kicks ass but she's too under the radar. She thinks Danni's chio and kicks ass too, but she's horribly skinny. She thinks Gary and Danni lost the most weight throughout this whole season. She thinks Rafe's a nice guy but lacks attraction. She thinks that's about all those who's left. If you want, she can also go on about those who've been voted out, like she thinks Jamie's paranoia is causing him to become mental, and Bobby Jon's just damn suay... blah...

The whole point about these reality tv is that that day after watching that Richard Branson's reality tv programme, she found out this über cool website. Reality TV World
There are not only message boards which she can sit down there and read and read the whole day, but there's also episode summaries and discussions which she can also read and read the whole day. By the way, from the Richard Branson show, she've learnt quite a bit of things for when she goes out to work.
1. Be nice to everyone, you won't know who they really are, or whether you might one day need their help.
2. Don't say everything out loud, be sure to keep the sucky comments to yourself and not irritate everyone.
3. Substance matters, a lot.
4. When you are at work, work, and not be distraced, always get the work done first.
5. Takes risks, but don't play with your life or anything thing not worth the risk.
6. Be smart, and stay smart, don't be afraid of making smart comments.
7. Don't act nice, it's damn fake.
8. Sex sells, use your charm, if you have it, if you don't, use other people's charm.
9. Make decisions yourself, advices from other people might come with their own agenda, you never know if they truly want to help you.
10. A lot of things also depends on fate, what is yours is yours, what is not yours will never be yours.
TV is good. hehehe~

She also have been reading a lot of blogs and a lot of football news. And she's even trying to read German football news so she's getting pretty up to date in what's going on in the Bundesliga.

With her liking to read that much, she should be reading Lyon's World War II or Nietzsche, ot Plato, or Machiavelli, or any of her readings rather than all those useless sites. hai...

She's also on a nocturnal lifestyle inwhich she only sleeps after the sun has risen and wakes up to a bloody headache sometime in the afternoon. And another problem of being online in those ungodly hours is that she also ends up chatting a lot. With like minded nocturnals. She's wondering if she should name names or give links or should she just let her friends remain anonymous. Blah... The anons should know who they are...

That guy who likes to complain he is poor and hungry.
That guy who likes to suan her about Chelsea.
That guy who always falls sleepy when she messages him. WTF la... She waits online for you the whole day and let you do your work in peace half the night and when she message you can't you just say hi to her meh, need to say you sleepy then say bye. kaoz... she bets if she don't message you you won't feel sleepy right? hmph...
The two guys who accompanies her every afternoon cos they are bored with work.

hmm... How come like all guys one ah? She thinks maybe guys are more boliao ba...

One more thing Joan would like to say before she goes back to wondering if Hitler could have won the Second World War, or how did Stalin manage to fend off Hitler, or the amazing naval battles between the Japanese and the Americans, Joan would like to say thank you to a special someone.

When Joan felt bad, this person was there to be with her, maybe not say cheer her up ba, but was there for her, she finds this very very comforting. This brings her back to think about the good old days, when everything was just still budding. She knows that deep down, under your cold and heartless surface, is a kind and sweet person. Sometimes she really wonders what is it about you that she still calls you friend because of all your callousness, but then you came back and proved to her that you are indeed the sweet person that made her want to know you better. She knows this feeling isn't what you wanted her to feel, but really, she thinks that you should stop hiding under your cover and just be yourself, either way, you can't really hide yourself up that much, so really, why bother?

And she was supposed to be writing about her exams. hai... heck la...

PS: Noticed today this entry is written entirely in third person? Okay, maybe not entirely cos she did address some people, almost entirely in third person with some falling into second person, but totally clear of first person. Maybe this is a mood ba... Joan usually uses third person when she's feeling very miniscule. Think maybe it's the exams ba... hai... And you know who you are...

Insomnia

I don't know why I can't fall asleep. I'm tired, but when I lie back on my pillow, I just feel wide awake. Nothing's really bothering me at the moment, so it's pretty weird why I still can't sleep.

Maybe it's because I read too many blogs already. I read through three blogs today. Read as in not check for updates, but read through the whole blog from the first entry to the last. Read through every comment posted by their friends in the comments box. I went through everything. One is a friend of mine. A relatively new friend made, the other is a link the friend gave me on hearing that I went through the whole blog. The third is a link on my friend's blog.

I don't usually stalk people, but I do like reading. Yes, I'm that girl who actually finished reading LKY's both thick memoirs. Those blogs are relatively easy to read, and definitely nowhere as long as my blog, so it wasn't really that bad. Anyway, the blog readings provoked much thought in me, so here I am, sitting, thinking, and typing off in my lappie.

Another thing happened today. For the third day in a row, I chatted with a friend whom I have not met for a very long time. Everything seems so nice and easy, yet so distant. Just a feeling I got.

Another thing that happened was I quarrelled with someone who I always have conflicts with, and we made up later in the night. The making up wasn't a fair making up, but me giving in to every whim and whine of my friend. I'm always on the losing end. But I've accepted it.

I guess I'll be studying, and maybe hopefully catch a couple of winks later. I'll see...

Past Present Future

Of the past.

People keep diaries to remind them of the past, to store memories of the past. But is it? I remember when I first started keeping a diary, I recorded down every single crush I had, and things that happened in school. If I retrieve that diary out to read now, I'd cringe, so why don't I just throw that diary away, since I know that I won't read it? I don't know...

Then instead of diaries, I started keeping jotter books, and jotted down random thoughts. It could be about people, things, places I met, dreams I had, sudden song, story or whatever creative writing inspiration. I kept it colourful. Once in a while, I'd take it out and read it over and over again. Mostly I'd read about my creative writings, not much about the random thoughts. What are random thoughts to me and how would they affect me? I don't know...

Then I started blogging. Everything went into the blog, but the thing is that you can't carry the laptop anywhere, or have internet connection everywhere so some little little bits of thoughts might be because of mafan and not be blogged down. Then another thing surfaced, how true can your blogging be? Who reads your blog? I'm a very straightforward person, I'm open, but still, I can't be that totally open on a public blog, with possibly anyone seeing it.

Then during my lowest time, I created a blog just for my rough patched, in my MSN space, no links given, that site's dead. I wrote everything about my rough patch in there, but still the same problem occurred. How much you dare write down? How much about you you dare let people know? Names have to be hidden, identities have to be kept secret, how much can I write down? I struggle to find myself, to write down my thoughts and everything. Just to write them down. I have no wish to read it or be reminded of things, but I still write, to vent everything out. Even in my blog, I write. One can really know lots about me if one actually reads everything I write, but being the usual short attention span people, no one would actually go through all my writings. I just write too much...

Last night, or early this morning rather I compiled some of my most private, most secret diary writings and gave it to someone to read. The dates in the dairy was from July, everything about July.

July was the worst time of my life. Especially if contrast that to of June, when I was in bliss land, without troubles, without anything. July was hell. The rough patch set in. There wasn't school or anything to keep my mind away from thoughts. There was someone who stood by my side though, but he was a mistake. It pains for me to think that he could only be there then, and now, things are different. Maybe it wasn't by choice, but more so by circumstances, or maybe it was a choice, a mutual unsaid choice, that we should not talk to each other again, lest I become more and more dependent on him.

Sometimes, in life what people need is support and not cruel remarks on how it is you who hold the key in your life. I know I live for myself, but life is not just about you alone. People do care about others. Care about how others see yourself, care about how you want others see yourself, care about how you want others to care for you especially if you caare for them to. Maybe I'm a more emotive person, I want people to be emotive towards me too, to see how I perceive things, that's why I expect a lot from my friends. Reaping of seeds sown. Deep down, I know this caan never be true. There'll always be cold and heartless and tactless people out there.

Back to my diary. It's now in the hands of someone else. I don't know if what I've written would affect anybody anot, but it does affects me. I surprise myself sometimes at how much I can trust others, maybe that's why I get hurt so often. I hope the reader of my diary will treasure it, since that was the very rough patch which made me write the dairy.

Still of the past, I spent the whole of today reading through someone's blog. I read every single entry, and every single comment left by friends. I read though all the subset blogs that came along with the blog, and I grew up as with time. I've aged a lot reading the blog, almost as if I passed through months just by reading. It's a past, just not my past. Everyone has pasts, we just need to get out of it and move into the present.

But it's not easy going to the present without any support.

Of the present.

In the present, one faces the cold harsh reality of the world where people live for themselves, who really would stop to give you a hand in need. I thought I found a hand which could help me, but that very hand which helped me up slapped me hard in the face. Since then, I kept everything to myself. I stopped blogging about my rough patch, not because it is over, but because I know it's of no use for other people to read it. I need to live my life alone. It's a very harsh reality, but that is life. Life is filled with selfish people.

I once said this to a friend, there are two kinds of friends, one are friends whom you cannot disappoint, the other are friends whom you can negotiate, but I'd like to further describe that. There is one group of friends whom you care more about, and the other group, you know they care about you. It's always a matter of you likes who more. An being that emotive girl, I always am the one giving. I know I cannot complain about this, since it was me who wanted to give in the first place, but really, do I mind? Of course. I'm not happy but I cannot complain...

I once put this up in my MSN nick, "don't tell me to take care". Why? Because those who tell you to take care aren't really concerned about you. People grew up to certain moral values and codes, when someone is down, we feel obliged to tell that person to take care of themselves, so by saying "take care", we feel released from that responsibility of a friend. "I've told him to take care already, but if he doesn't want to take care of himself it's not my fault." That's a very common excuse we give ourselves. Yes, I do that too sometimes, to people whom I don't really care that much. Not to people whom I don't care, but not as much as people whom I go out and physically do something to help a person.

If you really want to help a person, words are useless. It is actions which help people. Or maybe not actions, if that's physically not possible, but be more specific, like wishing me well, praying to whatever god for me, or just by tell me you hope me well, or giving me specific orders on what I should do to take care of myself. Obviously I would know that I should take care of myself. I'm living for myself and not for you. I'd want to take care of myself so why bother you to remind me of that. I'm not being ungrateful here, I'm just being skeptical of people's motives.

Of the future.

I had an online heated exchange with someone today. It hit me really bad. Usually I'm the kind of person who accepts things as it come, but when I get really upset, I can be an extremist. People don't agree with my views, it's okay, but being an insensitive prick, is another matter after all. It's a pity that said person still doesn't notice the insensitivities.

In life, we have our biasness and we discriminate against certain groups of people, it is normal. I too discriminated actively against certain groups of people. But sometimes, although you don't discriminate against certain groups of people, that group of people might feel discriminated against. Humans are sensitive creatures. Wait... I must correct that line, humans can be senstive creatures, especially the groups of people whom are socally stigmatised. Yet again, humans can be insensitive creatures, by not knowing they unwittingly stigmatised another group of people. In such a case what would happen? The stigmatised group would hold a grudge against the poor ignorant person who lives seemingly in bliss, and when things happen, whose fault is it? I don't know...

Maybe I've watched too much TV dramas or movies featuring psychopaths. Where an innocent tactless person unknowingly said something which offended the psychopath. The psychopath held a grudge, and started going on a killing spree, serial killing all people who reminded him of the person who offended him. Think long ago, the then TCS did a homocide drama, Fayi Gushi. The psychopath serial killed women who wore fishnet stockings, started from the person who offended him in the first place. I'm not discriminating the psychopaths, but having that mental condition, they are sensitive people who can only pick up things they don't want to hear.

People say things loosely, I too say things loosely too and offend people freely, but what is important is that we understand and try to be more sensitive people after that. Or am I the only one who actually care about such things? Life moves very fast nowadays, maybe this gives people a reason not to care.

People who need help would need extra considerations, if not they wouldn't need help in the first place. It's okay if you don't want to help, cos everyone can help himself, but really, why still give a push when you don't want to give a hand? Why can't you just not do anything?

Maybe I'm too sensitive, so I can't see the world from an insensitive point of view.

Time out.

A Photolog

I was clearing the photos from my handphone, uploading them into my computer, and also going through some old photos. The past seems to be coming back to me all at once... Here's sharing some photos, and my current thoughts about them...


This was when I first got a manicure done, quite some time ago. After I did my first manicure, I acted more than like a taitai. I was playing mahjong with a couple of friends and I didn't dare to shuffle the tiles cos I was afraid I'd chip my nails. Of course, after a couple more manicures, I don't really care that much about my nails liao.


It's a piece of artwork along the underpass leading towards Esplanade. Apparently a couple of days after this picture was taken, a couple of the pieces were stolen. The artist put up a notice stating that the art pieces were cursed and kindly requested them to be returned so that the curse could be reversed. Interesting...


The gender of mice. IR mice are females cos they menstruate while conventional mice are males cos they have balls. Or as someone put it, ahguas, cos they only have one ball.


I like cutes babies. I always tell my guy friends that if I wasn't a student, I'd really want to have a baby, right now. Blah... People haven't even have sex before want think baby. Seriously, I have debated about this issue with many people many times, but I still think what I think. If I have sex, that's cos I'm ready to have a baby, married or otherwise. Yea... And I don't believe in condoms. I don't know if this would be my mindset for life, but I can say, at this very moment, or at least for the next couple of years, this is how I think.


This was a stuff toy a friend gave me on my birthday. It now lies on my sister's bed. I'm not in contact with that friend anymore. It's quirky how things change. Once friends could be that close, but now, hai... He his handphone and all contacts in it. He messaged me online a couple of times asking for my number. I told him, "well, if it's fated that this is so, then so be it". I didn't give him my number. Why? I don't know...

Compare the fate of Dangles to that of Nicky. I never hugged Dangles to sleep before, yet now every night I have to have Nicky in my arms, even as I'm typing this, Nicky is by my side. I'm never a big fan of stuff toys. Every year, I seal a couple of them in plastic bags and throw them in a drawer with other plastic wrapped bears and whatnots, but Nicky lies with me... Why? I don't know...



Jinsen. I miss the days rehearsing for Oriental Suite. We have another performance up, but I decided against acting, I chose to do light designing instead. Why? I'm too tired. I want to have more time to myself, just as what Nicky's master said. Maybe it's a better thing.


This was taken in 2004 Dec. It's evidence that time is really harsh on some people. Those were the days when he was still very shuai. And those were the days when we didn't know each other that well. Sometimes knowing a person too well is not really a good thing. I think the more he got to know me the more strained our relationship is. Now we aren't even on speaking terms. hai... Another example of saddening change...


A very nicely taken photo of myself. It was a self taken shot, when I was still young and innocent. And this photo attracted a lot of attention for me and changed my life totally. It was the seed of my rough patches. Night has it that my emotions run really wild. Miss all of you guys...


I like this picture. I miss those days working with Laoban. Another milestone in my self taking photos. One might think that we were in Antartica or something dressed like that...


This was taken in a dressing room. In the end, I bought that dress, but until now, I yet have the chance to wear it. Another saddening change of times and people and relationship marks this picture. The friend I went with on that shopping trip, we've stopped contacting each other liao. Don't know why also...


I met Fann Wong while having dinner at Serangoon Gardens with my sister. We both took a photo with her, she was very nice about it. She's damn skinny. She don't seem that tall, maybe cos she was wearing flats, or maybe cos she was just darn skinny. Filming for Beautiful Illusions. I felt so fat beside her, and I was damn skinny at that time...


I was studying in school, lonely and hungry when my aunt brought me my favourite food. Kong Bak Pau and Roast Chicken which my mum left for me after they had family dinner. Nice~


The Yang Family. For our TS1101E. hai... Not in contact with any of them other than the girls from my clique...


This is what I always eat when nobody's at home. I eat this like once fortnightly... Not a very healthy diet, not just in terms of the food but also in terms of the lifestyle. I'm still not a Mac Delivery person, just a Pizzahut one...


My favourite dessert. Once my dad went to buy that for me just cos I got cravings. And after I complained to a couple of guy friends whom al did not bother anything about it. My daddie is my man sia...


Have I said I missed those times working with Laoban?


Studying in Starbucks Siglap. Will be heading there sometime soon again. Exam period again.


Behind the smiles were tears. A very ugly photo of us, pimple breakout and eye bags, but I still put it up, why? It's a milestone for all of us. This picture was taken during out ahma's wake. hai...


hai... Don't even get to see much of them even though we are in the same school same faculty. Rozie is even doing the same major as me.


This was taken in Cineleisure, pasted on their lifts. hehehe... Me like Takeshi~ He's so shuai~


Was I here?
In relation to the I was here outside the Esplande. Yup... This was together with the Astroboy art pieces.


He was my SP in Union Camp. Now, don't know where he is liao. Also don't know where are all my Union Camp mates are too anyway... hai... Think I've been hai-ing quite a bit liao le... Must be the night...


Just thought this look very nice architectually, and as a photo, also very nice...


Wo bist du? I like to ask that question when I don't get to see the said person. but I know, it's at nowhere. Not there. Left me all behind. Staring at the empty seat. Waiting... Waiting... And waiting... Waiting for? Ich weiß nicht.


I like men like Wubai. Mature, talented, a bit broody, nice hoarse manly voice. I once had a guy sing an Wubai song to me. In the manly voice... hai... Those were the days... Right now, I can only have CDs to listen to. And it doesn't help that he's married liao le... How I wish it was me whom he married.


Zhangting left us liao le. Need I say anything more?


Pedicure, to go with my manicure~


Imagine if your office window is that scene, won't you want to go to work every day? Damn... I'm so jealous of you Terrence! Not only as an intern you get your own office, you get an office bigger than my hostel room, and you get that to die for scene in your office window... Not fair~ That's a scene from The European Commission in Singapore. So nice those angmos...


That's me beaming like an idiot in front of the plate of the EC. hehehe... Just to prove that I was there.


Bizad's Western. wahaha~ Makes me feel so hungry just by looking at it. And comparatively, it's so so so cheap eating in the school canteen.


I was with my sister celebrating her birthday by making the both of us fat. We sat down inside hagen daz. We ordered. I counted my pennies, it was my treat definitely. Then my sister reminded me that I have a $10 voucher. hehehe~


I like Esplanade~ It's always so pretty to take photos of. I like blue. The colour of my club. I like water. The element of me.


Someone in my class carries the same waterbottle as me, just that it is of a different colour. Aren't the bottles just so cute standing side by side? Qoo is cute~ Me is cute~ wahaha~

I realise, over a dozen pictures in my current folder, as in the latest photos, are of my in bruises. Or rather, of my bruises. Think I've like 50 photos of different bruises. bleahz... I feel so tired now... Emotionally drained... Good night~