sucks...

I have been trying my best to prevent my life from falling into a routine, but somehow certain aspects of life seem to have been mechanised.

I have been trying my best not to think about the release of A level results, but a nagging sensation at the back of my head seems to have planned for the worst-case circumstance. My blog entry for that day will consist of four letters only—F U C K.

I have been trying my best not to procrastinate, but I have just been procrastinating this resolution.

I have been trying my best not to feel lonely, but sometimes I just cannot help but feel lonely and I need something more than physical company, some sort of an emotional company to prevent myself from falling apart.

I have been trying my best to enjoy life to the fullest, but it seems the more I try the more empty I feel. 19 years of life, I cannot think of one thing that I can be proud of.

I have been trying my best to plan ahead for the future, to map out my whole career path, but the one thing I am striving for seems to be so distant and I cannot help but start thinking of alternatives. The singer Jewel once said that it was by not preparing any alternatives that made her even more determined to succeed in her singing career because she knew that once she made backup plans she would tend to fall into that trap. If so, am I destined to fail?

I have been trying my best to put all the unhappy memories behind me and start over again, but there is no one there to stretch out a helping hand. And I just fall deeper into a vicious cycle of my emotional blackhole.

Like. Don't Like.

I like being able to help my customers.

I like being able to answer my customers’ questions.

I like it when after asking if my customer has Robinsons’ card, he takes it out and thus being able to enjoy special discounts.

I like it when my supervisor asks me to help her.

But then again,

I dont like packing stuff.

I dont like folding clothes.

I dont like making mistakes.

I dont like customers who think they are the king and/or queen of the universe.

work. sian.

I have started working again. I dont like it.

I thought that perhaps I could do more cashiering this time, but I am so so wrong. I ended up doing more packing than ever. I had to pack bottles after bottles, tubes after tubes, boxes after boxes of facial wash, shampoo, shower foam, hand cream, masks, blah. Lunch was staggered, so poor little me had to have lunch alone. Luckily, the people there are quite nice and understanding and I was also let off on time, without having to complete what I was doing.

The best thing is that I am off today and tmr. What a nice duty roster... haha... I hope when I return back to work I can get to do more cashiering, but I dont think that would happen. We are now preparing for our sales and need more manpower to do the horrible packing and arranging and blah, the cashier counters are left unattended, only when there are customers then the cashiers will rush over to the counters and even then it is usually the more experienced staff that do the cashiering. haiz...

If only I can strike the lottery, or marry some rich guy, or something similar, then I can spend the rest of my life slacking around in luxury... ...

Christmas time is a sad time

Memories can be most painful yet dear to us.

Last Christmas, I took a friend out of my annual Christmas Card Mailing List because I wanted to wipe that person out from me. I want to just forget everything and carry on with life without having a constant unhappy feeling at the back of my head. Like what is the use of being friends when they are only for betrayal? If so, why bother being friends at all? Haiz... Until now, I have quite succeeded in removing that friend from my life.

After Christmas, I had decided to erase another person out of my memory and take out that name from my annual list end this year. When I make friends, I would always put my heart and soul into that friendship, but sometimes what you put in is not what you get. If that person really doesnt want to remain friends with me, I dont see a need for me to be so thick-skinned.

Lately, I have deliberated over the issue of friends again. I have finally made another heart-wrenching decision to take another person out of my end year list. After being on the list for 7 years, the decision to pull that name out is not for me to forget but for the other party to forget. A card represents much care and concern, especially at this digital age. By ceasing the reception of future cards is to put an end to the reception of care and concern. Some people might think this will be very mean of me to do so, but after much consideration I think that it would be meaner for me to continue showing that care and concern when it has the potential of becoming a heavy burden. I have decided to ease my friend’s burden and shoulder it myself... ...

Maybe if I can remove the latter from my memory, I would live a more cheerful life, but this action would also remove some of my most treasured moments. Deciding between two evils, I can only do what I do best, procrastinate. By procrastinating such an act, I more tend to fall back into the past and live in a pseudo-utopian world I created, and then I would continue procrastinating... A vicious cycle which I am still trapped inside... The only possible way to escape from this vicious can only be an ending from fairy tales. In Sleeping Beauty, the Prince fought with the evil Witch and finally kill her to remove the curse and save the Princess from eternal unconsciousness with a kiss... ...

Wherefore art thou, my dear Prince...

On the Trail of Wangfei

One of my New Year resolution was to be a more ardent fan of Wubai and Wangfei which until now I am proud to say I am doing it. Friends who have had their birthdays have seen my fanatics, poor Victoria and Yanling should also understand after accompanying me on a disappointing queuing up expedition at Plaza Singapura on Sunday and at Junction8 ytd. I would really like to send my utmost thanks the both Victoria, having to endure sun and horrible PRCs, and Yanling, having to endure 9hours of boredom and an evil PRC, for queuing with me just to see dear Faye.

Sad to say, I am utterly disappointed with the PRCs in Singapore... ... They are like a bunch of kiasu (really, who said Singaporeans are kiasu is totally wrong!), queue-cutting, evil-mouthed, self-centred assholes man! Cant wait to boot all of them out of my sight! But have also met some other more decent fans who really are able to queue for longer periods just to support Faye. Way to go!!!

Although in her 35th year, Faye doesnt boast the looks of her age. She seems to have put on weight in her cheeks yet her legs are just as thin as ever. My legs are just monstrous beside hers... She is now sporting a short haircut, but I think a longer permed one looks nicer on her, well, just my thoughts. She is still not very fond of speaking and has an embarrassed look every time we scream out her name. Just as the Faye we know... ...

Last Life of the Universe

An introduction of a fascinating movie I watched yesterday.

Title:
Last Life in the Universe (in Japanese, Thai, and English with Chinese and English subtitles)

Directed by:
Pen-Ek Ratanaruang

Starring:
Asano Tadanobu (a film actor who so dedicated to film-making that he never acted in any TV drama which is most unlike the typical Japanese actor)
Sinitta Boonyasak
Laila Boonyasak

Cinematography by:
Christopher Doyle (an award-winning cinematographer favoured by dear Wong Kar Wai

Basic plot of the story:
Kenji, a suicidal and obsessive librarian, after killing someone goes off into hiding with Noi with just knocked dead her own sister. Being with each other for 3 days, Kenji and Noi slowly finds light in their lives.

Other draws to the film:
* Very solid acting from the cast. Asano Tadanobu even won the best actor award for this film in the prestigious Venice Film Festival. Highly engaging interaction between Asano Tadanobu and Sinitta Boonyasak as neither speaks each other’s language and had to resort to using a third language which neither speaks well. This language handicap greatly brings out the best of their acting.
* The use of comic relief in this film adds a jarring and disturbing effect which, too, heightens the presentation of the ideas the director wants to bring forth
* The seed for this story, the reason for the title of this film, was from a children’s picture book entitled The Last Lizard which is the basis for this film. A lizard wakes up one day to find that all the other lizards were gone. He was the last lizard left. His family was gone; his friends were gone; and even his enemies were gone too. The lizard felt lonely and there was no one, not even an enemy, for him to talk to. He would rather have his enemies around him than be all by himself. Perhaps both Kenji and Noi, and even Noi’s sister, Nid, saw themselves in a similar position as the lizard.
* The Straits Times Life! movie correspondent, Ong Sor Fern, gave this film a five-star rating.

$1million

I would really like to share with all my friends news that I am one of the lucky 11 ppl who won the group 1 prize of today’s Toto. Although the prize money is $9 000 000 short of my expectations, I must admit I am absolutely delighted with my win. I will still spend the money according to the proportions I had previously meted out.

***
No matter how much I would really like to share that above piece of news, I am afraid I cant do so as I can only like what the title of this blog suggests, I can only build castles in the clouds.

Maybe I should change the title of this blog to reflect what I really want, not so much of building castles in the clouds, but building solid castles with stable foundations... ...

musings~

It is always good to meet up with old friends and have a good afternoon chat. Meeting up with the cds ppl ytd made me realise how fast time have past and how much our perspectives of life have changed. Most of us are working liao and somehow during our catching up, issues of our work were always brought up. I wonder if that would become the main topic of our discussions for years to come, especially if we still meet up regularly after our uni ed.

I wonder what will become of us in 10 years. Will I be happy with my job and able too feed myself well with that job? Will I manage to find a suitable beau and get married and have kinds? Will I grow wrinkles or put on weight or start wearing ah-soh kinds of clothes? Or will I just end up as a pathetic lonely soul, fed up with my work but yet need it to live? Or maybe life is so unpredictable that I might just die in an accident or contract some fatal disease like bird flu and leave the world before that 10 years... ...

Haiz... Really shouldnt be that pessimistic leh... Okay, to be more optimistic, maybe I will just win this Thursday’s Toto and become a multi-millionaire and need not work for the rest of my life! When (note: the use of when and not if!) I strike Toto, after tax-deductions, I will put 80% of it in a fixed-interest deposit to ensure that the money can last me as long as I live, 14% will go to my education fund. With the money, I can pursue my dreams of furthering a performing arts education at a nice liberal arts school, maybe in US or Australia or even UK. Then I will spend the remaining 1% on luxury goods to really pamper myself. A Louis Vuitton bag, a Burberry trench coat, Chanel underwear, Salvatore Ferragamo shoes and most importantly a nice dinner at Jade for my family!