Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Pretty Much All Screwed Up

Pretty Much All Screwed Up

I don't know what have been going on in my life recently, but everything just seems to be wrong. I don't know how wrong is it, but it just doesn't feel right. I can't wake up in the morning, my head is functioning properly, my senses and rain coordination is almost non-existent, I can't do work, I can't play, I can't watch TV, I can't even surf the net, and at night I can't sleep. This sucks. And I've absolutely no idea what's going wrong with me.

This has been like that for quite some time already. At first I thought perhaps it might be pms, but I know for sure, it's definitely not. Then I thought perhaps it could be because I'm having my Theatre Studies practical examination soon and I'm emotionally drained from all the acting, but no, even though I feel emotionally drained, I don't think it’s due to my acting cos acting usually don't affect me that much. So here I am squatting down by my computer typing out my uneasiness.

Actually this feeling has been around since last week.

Maybe I'm dreading the upcoming exams. Maybe something is telling me to freak out since the exams are drawing nearer, but this is not my first exam so why would I be feeling much different. Usually, I'd procrastinate studying by indulging myself in other activities, but now, I cannot even feel the pleasure in any of my usual indulgences. Since taking my A levels, I've been reading the newspaper cover to cover to destress. Not that I don't read newspapers, but I usually take a longer time reading newspapers during the exam period. I can spend 2 hours just reading the bloody Straits Times. But I finished it in 5 min just now. Somehow, it didn't really interest me as much as it normally does. In fact, nothing interests me anymore.

Even chatting online doesn't appeal to me anymore. I tried to ka chiao my friends online, but they all seem to busy to entertain me. Ka chiao-ing people without any response is the most bored thing one can be doing, but I got bored of that even. I feel tired trying to strike a conversation with people. People whom I don't want to talk to would come and drop me messages, people whom I want to talk to are too busy for me. WTH?!

I think I'm like a kamikaze pilot. Knowing there danger and self-destruction lies ahead of me, but I'm bounded by traditions and ideals and self-imposed values that I’ve only to move ahead towards danger and destruction.

I know I'd get negative response from those people I want to go and ka chiao, yet I really don’t know why I still do it. I know that I’d be ignored, but I still want to go up and disturb them. I feel so hard-sell. I feel cheapened. I feel vulnerable.

I want to sign out of my messenger to prevent myself from exposing all my weaknesses but I still habour that little bit of hope in me that a message I want to see might come in. I want to throw away my phone to prevent myself from wasting sms-es, but I also still habour that little bit of hope that that fated sms would come in even though I know that chances are minimal, maybe around 0.001%?

At night I don't dare to sleep cos I'm afraid that once I go to bed the day would end and it would signify another day has gone by. Another day going bye would mean one day down. Time passes very fast. Memories fade with time. I don't want time to fly by so quickly cos I'm afraid that my memories would move on too. I still harbour hopes that memories can be refreshed, but as time drags on, hopes are diminished. Maybe I'm just an insecure, fickle-minded screwball.

Damnit... I can't even complete this post proper.

To sort out my thought clearly, maybe this can help alleviate the mess of glob in my head now. Let's see, what's wrong with me.

Friends that I'd stopped contacting called me up again to meet. I'm wondering if I should head out to meet them or not. In my present lonesome stage, going out and meeting people might do some help in preventing me from bursting and totally freaking out at nothing, but something at the back of my head nags at me if I do so. I gave my word to somebody that I would not meet these people again due to some conflicting interest (in its mildest term, this does sound pretty weird) and I really don't want to break my promise.

Aren't promises made to be kept?

But promises made to me are like disintegrating right in front of me. And promises I made are struggling to prevent themselves from disintegrating. If so, why have promises?

Actually, I hate to make promises. I hate promises cos I know they can't be kept. I'll try my very best to prevent myself from going about doing or not doing something, definitely, but to make me promise, I see it as very serious. I do want to keep my promises, but sometimes, it's not easy. Especially when I see the promises made to me falling apart right in front of me. These broken promises seem to shout out to me saying "Hey... See? They aren't kept, why are you still holding onto your promises? Just let it go, just like how I was let go of."

Every of the above words are like knives piercing into my heart, making holes in it, inducing blood to seep out. The blood first seeps our slowly as the cut is small, but as more and more blood seeps out, the pressure on the hole makes it bigger allowing more and more blood to flow out. In the end, the pressure is so great that the whole heart ruptures, creating a splash of blood spluttering out in all directions.

I think that pretty much summed up what I'm feeling now and what I'd feel if the status quo remains. Maybe I'm now about the stage where the hole is just widening.

Next would be my insecurities and my vivid imagination. They seem to always work hand in hand with each other providing disastrous results on me.

Cos I've a vivid imagination, I often tend to think too much. Cos I'm insecure, I often tend to think the worst-case circumstance. Cos I'm insecure and have a vivid imagination, I often then to think a lot of worst-case circumstances and try and compare which is the worst worst out of them then I'd lead myself to believe that it's true. This leads to me often mixing up imagination and reality.

I also think that the weather is getting into me too. Recently the weather has been pretty erratic, blowing hot and cold. On nights when it’s warm, I feel hot and stuffy. On nights when it's cold, I crave for something nice, warm and comfy as lonesome sets in. I think is also about the hot and cold thingie that is making my mood as bad as the weather. Hope that when the weather clears up my mood will clear up too.

Too many things on my mind now, and I'm still at the trivialities. The bigger more important matters are still tied somewhere deep behind my head.

Maybe I was thinking about setting deadlines. Maybe, I should give myself a time frame for everything. But would that still leave me in regrets? I hate regrets. Time is irreversible. Everything of what I do has repercussions and consequences. hai... Boils down to the fact that I always think too much. Damn! Remove my brain sia!

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