Wednesday, October 26, 2005


This will be a ramble, so if you lose track of my words, it's okay, I won't be talking coherently anyway.

I'm so busy. And I don't know what I'm busy with. I go out, I do work, I go for classes, I go for my extra activities, I meet friends, I go shopping. I feel so burnt out and totally feel no gain in my recent life. Immaterial losses made up by material gains, sometimes retail therapy is somewhat useful. Sometimes the feeling of money being spent, the pain of your material loss, the numbness inside you can be touched. By spending money can I feel that I exist.

I was reading someone's blog today. Let that person be A. A blogged about someone I know. Let that person be B. Me have B lacked fate, hence we remained merely as aquaintances. A was describing B. I tried to match A's B with the B I know. I thought of my first meeting with B, and the sleeting fate just floated away just like that. It wasn't regret I felt, it was more of a kind of resigned to the destiny of fate. If fate has it that we are to remain as aquaintances, then well, what more can I do? I see two faces of B, one the private side and one the public side. After the fiasco in trying to get to know him in private, I once came in to contact to his public side, and it didn't go well with me. I think this public him has affected our friendship too. So it seems like more that fate doesn't mean to have me get to know him better or know him deeper.

I met another guy that other day too. It seems like that person changed a lot. Let's call him C. C was once a dashing fine young man but something seems to be different about him when I met him recently. He lost that dashingness, he lost a bit of fineness and a bit of the youthful charm. This is what the university have done on our young people's lives. And also the loss of that power... hai... Power is aphrodisiac.

Suddenly this wave of feelings swamped me. I miss someone something somewhere sometime. If what you sow equals to what you should be rewarded then I'd be the most fucking rich person on earth. Damnit... Emo self taking over control of me.

I think I shall continue another day. Today isn't a good day... A sign for me to start all my work now... wahaha~

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