I'm feeling really frustrated now, just after watching this drama serial which made me feel more of my case. And my reading of a particular anonymous site is not helping me feel more at ease with myself. I'm hoping by blogging I can sooth a bit of my thoughts.
The girl from the bus last night was still affecting me this morning when I set off for school.
I saw this very small and young KC Primary girl on the bus. She looked no more than primary one, and she went to school herself. Skipping past the road to her school's back gate.
I passed by another school, a secondary school. I saw this guy standing by the bus stop in his school uniform. He was eating some snacks and listening to music over his headphones. I thought the way he stood was very shuai. Then I stopped short. Here I am, oogling at this secondar three or four boy and thinking that he looked shuai. It felt rather paedophillic.
I passed by yet another school, a primary school. A bunch of maids were congregating outside, I didn't realise it was a school and felt quite disgusting by the overwhelming number of maids. When I realised it was a school, the maids being there suddenly seemed very clear.
I went by the national stadium, the carpark there has turned into a police carpark. I guess it's the nearest disguised area where the police can park their cars yet reach Suntec City fast enough instead of clogging up the whole city area.
I passed by Suntec City. It looked very red and pink from all those transplanted flowers and trees. I felt so disgusted by our hypocrisy.
Nearing Harbourfront MRT station, I realised that the bus was empty save for another guy behind me. Suddenly I felt this sense of loneliness.
I know I've a hyperactive imagination. And I always think the worst out of everything. I once shared one piece of my imagination to a friend and he said that I was really imagining things, but somehow, I can't stop myself. I suddenly thought, maybe he was going to emigrate, and never to come back to Singapore again. What would I do then? Then I thought, what if I met him on the streets, on the bus, on somewhere, what would I react? One of my favourite scenes of Winter Sonata was when the girl met the guy after he has forgotten his past, she started tearing. The tears just streamed down so naturally. I think I might do that. Another scene is from the current 9 o'clock show (that's how I always name my shows), when Thomas Ong first met Chen Shucheng face to face, his reaction was indescribable, almost hatred, but all sense of disappointment, a bit of resigned, a bit of jealousy. I think if I ever meet her, that would be my face, all covered up with a fake smile across.
During my tutorial today, I thought of a confession I read in that anonymous website. I wondered if there was this sort of thing happening in my school, in my class, with someone I know, on someone I know. It felt really disgusting to think of something like that. Then I thought, but this is human nature. As what I always tell everybody I know, my take on mankind is that all men stray. I've all kinds of experience with this, first hand, second hand, third hand. I read all sort of weird blogs, I meet all sort of weird people, and I encountered all sort of weird things, and I'm now still all strung up over something like that, so why is it not possible that something is going on around me despite what I'd like to think.
One example would be Ivy Lee's character in the 9 o'clock show. She's the product of a divorce. She's a divorce lawyer. She knows that all marriages will end up so broken. Yet, she still yearns for a happy marriage. It's so ironic. She looks up to her mentor of an example of the perfect marriage. But what she doesn't know, and yet I know from spoilers is that her own mentor is an asshole himself.
The asshole once rationalised things with me. He agrees too that all men are bastards, he know he's one too. I thought he might have taken it too far when he proposed that the people whom I respect too might all be bastards, assholes, jerks, whatever unpleasant words might come out from my mouth. Here I am, still trying to delude myself that the people I respect are saintly people, and there, I hear stories. It's scary. Assholes know assholes the best. Asshole and I once played this role playing game to probe how I might feel when the person I respects is an asshole too, at that time it was just a game. Really, if it were true I don't know how I'd react.
I think I was pretty subdued during class, still trying to make out something from the confession and trying to give excuses to myself.
I saw this girl in class. She seems to be a regualr, but I've never noticed her before. I don't know why I've never seen her before since I was so intrigued with her this afternoon. I don't know what I felt about her, something like a mix of envious, jealousy, disgust, cynic and anger.
Quote of the day, from a video played in one of my classes. "We are not retreating. We are still advancing, just in the other direction."
I wore my Chelsea jersey to school today. I'm setting to make a point to wear it once every week since I can only wear this jersey for a year, so I must make the most out of it. Yes, I'm not those who'd wear a previous season jersey. This friend of mine pulled me close, I thought he was about to tell me something serious, but out came the words "Chelsea sucks!", my immediate reply, "Fuck you." bah~ That was not the only comment I got today, but it was the worst.
I can't stop thinking. I don't know why he went MIA on Friday, and I don't know why he still isn't replying me. Over the weekend I was so paranoid that I thought he might have met with an accident or something, but when I saw him online I thought he might be fine, but when he didn't reply my, I got all worried all over again. I think I'm really losing it.
I hate self consorship too. I'm not writing all I want to write because I'm afraid. I think somewhere out there somebody I know, somebody I've mentioned, somebody I don't want to read my blog would see all this. I'm also afraid what others might judge me with.
I remember once I constructed a whole world of my own and lived in it and thought about it day in day out. It's a form of escapism, of course. I've outgrown it, but somehow, I really want to recreate another world of my own and live in it so that I won't have to be affected by everything around me.
Why some people can treat it as though nothing's happened? I think I've still not enough mindpower. hai...