Sunday, July 10, 2005

My Rough Patch

I think by now most people should have heard that I'm going through a very rough patch. At least everybody who hangs out online long enough to hear my grouses should have heard by now my whole story worthy of a Hong Kong drama serial, 40 episodes no less. And I'd like to give a tribute to all these people.

A big thank you to all who stood by me. Even though I won't take any of your advices. I'm sorry.

For those who have yet heard of my problem, I do not wish to publicly announce it to the whole wide world, after all, it is a disgrace of mine. Whatever choice I choose, I'd like to reiterate that I did so under calm thought and calculated deciding.

I've grown older under this immense pressure about my rough patch. And I also found out a couple of things about myself that on a normal day I would not go think about. Although I still have not found my way out of this rough patch, I'm slowly but surely walking out of this shadow.

1. One thing I realised about myself is that my conscious mind is much stronger than I thought.
I can really control how much I want to think about or not about my rough patch, but that is only when I'm conscious.

2. My subconscious mind is also much stronger than I thought, but in a negative sense.
All my pent up thoughts that my strong conscious mind blocks me from think will come back to haunt me via my subconscious mind when I'm sleeping. Through dreams and late night thoughts, I find myself not being able to sleep and not being able to sleep well. Usually if I don't want to dream, I can prevent myself from dreaming, but lately I've been dreaming a lot, and these dreams wake me up, in tears. This morning, the dream even made me type out an sms, but luckily I did not send it. I was aware that I was typing it but I didn't know what made me do it. the words of my sms didn't make sense when i put them together, but somehow I think it meant something.

3. Coke can act as an anti-depressant.
When I was in Germany, I had troubles having a good sleep, I'd wake up in the middle of the night, that was when I started drinking coke to make me sleep better. Also I started drinking coke in the morning to get the depressing thoughts out of my head. Now, it's that all over again. I'd drink coke before I sleep and drink coke when I wake up to cleanse myself from all negative thoughts. It works pretty well. Like that night I woke up with a huge craving for coke, after that I managed to sleep better. Coke is addictive too. Just like anti-depressants are addictive.

4. The best thing to do when someone shares a problem with you is to listen.
Dont give solutions cos there is no way you can give a perfect solution cos there can be no perfect solution. I heard many different ways people share my problems. I like the kind when they listen and emphatise with my but not pity me. I like it when people share with me their stories in retrospect. But I don't like it when people say, "You should do this" or "You should do that" or worse "why can't you do this". And I further hate it when people think that their solution can solve all my problems and I should listen to them. Sorry, it's not working.

5. Occupying myself by doing other things.
Going out. Stuffing myself with Chinese Drama stuff. Numbing myself.
I'd like to thank that faithful friend who gave in to my tantrums and brought me out to lessen my pain. Thank you for the K-session, the movie, all the accompaniment and listening to my whining and bearing my tantrums. I know I'm not an easy person to deal with, so, really thank you very much. I'll repay you by following your wishes and spend more time working on my script. I won't disappoint you!

6. Mood affects my eating habits and my gastric problem.
After that fateful day when my problems started, I went on a 48 hour hunger strike. Not really so much of a strike, but maybe a fasting. To cleanse myself from all sins that might trigger my retribution. Then I started eating again, but I couldn't eat much. Then I was feeling nauseous very often too. I can feel nauseous at any time of the day before during after meals. I don't know if it's my mood or my eating habits or maybe both. I'd have to do something about it. My mum said that I'm losing weight again. The last time my weight fell freefall was when I was stressed with Temasek Nite, with all sort of other stuff coming up, I've no wish to lose any weight at this point in time.

7. I throw unnecessary tantrums at people.
It becomes like a prolonged pms, just without the cramps and bleeding. I'd feel damn frustrated, but later regret my actions.

Cant think of anymore. Not really a good thing to think of more anyway.

For the individual thanks.
- thank my parents for accommodating my nonsense
- thank the person accompanying me here and there cos I didn't feel like going home
- thank my friends for hearing me go on and on about how pathetic I am yet having to bear the burnt of my snaps
- thank the person who reduced me to this state cos it's better that i'm reduced to this state now than later
- thank the person who never fails to crack me up
- thank all who have provided me aid

I will become better.

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