Saturday, October 29, 2005

Noting Down A Today

A little something I really feel like noting down. I wanna say a big thank you to that friend I met in the library this afternoon.

Just when I was at my worst in state, lack of sleep, stucked deep in deadlines and tests, and dry on essay writing inspiration, this friend appeared in front of me. The usual casual chat progressed to me realising that he in fact had "been there done that, and done it very well some more", he had taken my that module which I was dying in and scored really fantastic scores. On seeing me half dead, he gave me quite a few pointers, very useful pointers. At least now I have a decent direction in which my essay is heading.

I would like to extend my most sincere gratitude.

I was still in a daze this afternoon, as I always am when you see me in school half dead and so sapped of energy, so I didn't really showed my gratitude to my friend. So now trying to make ammends. hehehe~

And thanks for the hugs too~ wahaha~

Now I just need to get myself back in shape and get things done. sucks... Why does everything have to come all at the same time and not be well spaced out? And a friend of mine is coming to town. A little tug of war within me. My friend doesn't know I'm that deep in a mess, and I don't intend to say it out. I know if my friend knows that i'm that much dying, he won't want to meet me, but it is me who do want to meet him. Or should I not? I think I should make that choice myself, and not let him make it for me, but it's a difficult choice for me to make.

I had a little conversation with a couple of my friends last night, I said I needed to meet that said friend. They told me to tell that friend not to come over this time. I said I can't. They I said this maxim. "There are two kinds of friends. One is those kind who cannot be disappointed, and another is those kind who you can negotiate with." I said my friend was the former. but really, it doesn't sound that true.

There are friends who you regard as more important as youself, there are friends who regard you as more important than themselves. Me and my friend belong to the first category. A sort of masochism, I guess.

There is no such thing as equivilent trade. This is a quote from Full Metal Alchemist. Ironic, cos the whole anime is about trading off, and yet the two boys found out in the end what they so believed in was not true. I knew this from a young age. Not everything I sow can I reap. I can treat a friend like gold and be treated as dust in return, but I still want to treat my friend as gold in the end. Masochism? Maybe...

Someone once asked me why had I fettish in bdsm, was it because something happened when I was young or something else. Nothing happened to be except being stuck in these sort of situations over and over again. Always being the giver and getting nothing back in return, and yet I still continue giving so much. I feel the pain, and the pain sort of becomes addictive, and I want to be pained even more. I can only seek solace through pain. Another quote, only through pain can I feel my existence.

A pretty gloomy day tonight. If not for this first friend and his essay tips and hugs, I think it might be an even gloomier night.

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