Tips for Persuasive Writing

I had a chat with a very good friend of mine, let her remain anonymous. She wanted to apply for SEP so she asked me for some tips. Well, okay the story started with her toying with the thought of going on exchange, so she consulted her boyfriend who didn't give her much sound advice, neither did he try to help her much in her application and queries about exchange. This is where the good friend comes in, been there done that, only the good friend was able to help~

I talked to her about her choices and her reasons and other options about her exchange and how's she going to go about it and made some concrete planning, all based on my experiences with applying for exchange, though I haven't gone on my exchange yet. I guess my words were more useful than her boyfriend's so this afternoon, she approached my online, and we had the following exchange.

I think I've my way with words, I can make things sound like what I want it to be. Don't know if it's good or not, but I guess it did proved me good in my application for SEP. I lifted this exchange as ad verbitum from my chat window.

says:
joan
says:
fuck.
says:
i thought i could edit again..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
what?
says:
i click submit
says:
and it just went and i can't change anything anymore
says:
fuck fuck fuck
says:
i didn't write anything..
says:
how?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
but ur application is it okay anot?
says:

- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
then try submitting another application?
says:
i nv type the personal statement at all
says:
i was just gg through all the sections..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
or send in an attachment of ur personal statement
says:
thinking that maybe later i can edit
says:
and i can't
says:

- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
send in another application ba...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
or click back
says:
how to??
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
then see if can get back to previous page anot
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
u know who is processing ur application anot?
says:
ok..
says:
i clicked back
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
maybe u send ur persona statement to that person
says:
think it works
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
okie...
says:
totally freaked out
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
try sending again
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
relax...
says:
my hands are cold..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
dont worry
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
it wont be as bad as my application the other time
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
my application couldnt even get through lor
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
lol~
says:
har..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
then my application ended up late
says:
really?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
very very late
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
had to go down dean's office to ask for extension
says:
wah
says:
ok........
says:
wad did you write for financial statement?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
it's a letter written by my bank
says:
cuz now actually a lot of things i still ..
says:
dun know..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
u need to obtain it from the bank
says:
and the study plan leh?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
online application think dont need that yet
says:
need to do that now?
says:
ok..
says:
then the financial one also dun need?
says:
since it's online?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
study plan is a list of modules u plan to do over in ur partner uni
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
i think is dont need financial statement yet
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
but i'm not sure
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
u might need to gt it asap from ur bank just in case
says:
okok..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
when u start submitting ur documents
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
like with the transcripts and passport and stuff
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
think u might need to do a very rough sketch of ur module mapping also
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
but that not very important
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
just a rough sketch will do
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
the more detailed one will have to be done only after u r accepted
says:
okok.. thank you joan
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
no prob...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
i gg to sleep now
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
if anything impt u call me
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
if not ask me at 430
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
i waking up at 430
says:
okies
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
jiayou~
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
just relax
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
dont panic can liao le~
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:

- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
so how is it gg along?
- xxoos burning on a stake - auto-message: koon-ing... will wake up at 430, drop me a message and i'll reply u then~
says:
wake up le ah?
says:
so fast?
says:
i typing..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
yea...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
okay la... 430 liao le...
sends:
Open(Alt+P)
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
still at the personal statement?
says:
yah

You have successfully received C:\Documents and Settings\My Documents\New Folder\exchange application.doc from xxx@hotmail.com.

- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
dont use want
says:
then?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
use would like instead
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
prefer
says:
ok
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
sounds more polite
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
hehehe
says:
okok
says:
i would prefer to go for exchange?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
i would like
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
think all ur wants can change to would like, better
- xxoos burning on a stake - auto-message: koon-ing... will wake up at 430, drop me a message and i'll reply u then~ says:
ok..
says:
u thk sufficient?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
wait ah...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
. I feel I am deprived of art and design museums and galleries in Singapore since there is only one art museum and I want to go to the numerous art and design galleries there.
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
there is something very wrong with this sentence
says:
ok
says:
i thk so too..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
u try something like this...
says:
but dunno how to put it..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
in contrast to singapore, where there is only a single art museum, there are numerous art museums over in italy, and this sheer amount of more collection of art and design peices really whets deprivation
- xxoos burning on a stake - auto-message: koon-ing... will wake up at 430, drop me a message and i'll reply u then~
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
hahahaha...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
does this sound somewhat better?
says:
yep..
says:
but i dun understand the last part...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
or maybe u can ignore the and this sheer number part...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
cos was trying to make ur deprivation sound somewhat less repressed
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
lol~
says:
haa
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
wait i look at ur second para
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
I like it that Milan is an international city with a great mix of people and culture.
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
u can reshape this sentence
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
i think now the main problem of ur personal statement it sounds a bit amatuer
says:
how can i show that i like the environment?
- xxoos burning on a stake - auto-message: koon-ing... will wake up at 430, drop me a message and i'll reply u then~
says:
yeah..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
try not starting sentences with "i"
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
instead something like this...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
milan is an international city with a great mix of people and culture, and i think this would open up my experiences by being able to come into contact with them
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
or whatever is ur reason for liking this international environment
says:
ok
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
Italy is a country with a strong history of art yet it is also known for its avant garde artists and designers.
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
think "and" instead of "yet" sounds more appropriate, does it?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
cos it's avant garde is also about art, right?
- xxoos burning on a stake - auto-message: koon-ing... will wake up at 430, drop me a message and i'll reply u then~
says:
um.. the thing is that the history is what is pulling them back from becoming more wealthy? bogged(sp?) down by history?
says:
not moving..
says:
history = past? avant garde =future?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
how about "and yet"?
says:
2 in 1?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
cos i'm not very sure about art
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
and from a layman reading it, it sounds like avant garde is not art?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
dunno...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
this u decide ba...
says:
okie~
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
future development
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
can elaborate on ur future development
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
like say what field u intend to pursue after graduation?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
The university is specialised in architecture and industrial design courses and I firmly believe I will also learn much from there.
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
this is very good a cause, but u can highlight ur field of study to further emphasise on ur cause
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
hehehe...
says:
hmm... field of study is not industrial design meh?
says:
i should be more specified?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
maybe a sentence like this might sound more pushy?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
being an industrial design student, being able to go to a university specialised in architectual and industrialdesign, ....
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
emphasise on u being an industrial design student
says:
ok
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
yup~
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
I will pick up Italian to equip myself.
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
how about using other synonyms like "plan", "intend"?
says:
ok
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
can vary ur choice of words
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
yup~
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
hmm...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
did u miss out anything about urself?
says:
i think my content is more or less like that only... a bit weak?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
okay, i just did a word count, 267 dont really sound enough leh...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
think u need to at least double that
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
lol~
says:
wah..
says:
ok..
says:
needa go think of more things..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
i send u mine
says:
ok
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
think i sounded like a bit the persuasive in mine
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
but it's only 405 words
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
so i think u try hitting like 400 words?
says:
OK

You cannot send this file because it appears to be in use. Close the program using this file and try again.

Sending of "SEP intro.doc" to xxx@hotmail.com has failed.

- xxoos burning on a stake - sends:


Transfer of "SEP intro.doc" is complete.

- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
i dont think there's much to copy from my content
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
it's my a bit the persuasive style of writing
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
lol~
says:
........
says:
yeah..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
actually hor, i dont know if it's good anot, but it seemed to work for me
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
lol~
says:
ok lah..
says:
i think i have an idea..
says:
you know wad..
says:
i think my abiltiy to write and communicate deterioates as i age
says:
you know, when i read my pri sch compositions, i cannot believe i wrote them.
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
hahahaha...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
no la...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
think is u do too much art and design then forget hoe to write liao le
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
lol~
says:
yeah
says:
i guess so
says:
i cannot believe i could write geography essays in sec sch
says:
kao.
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
haha...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
dont think about that liao le la...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
think about what else u can put into ur statement
says:
emphasize the importance of italy in the history of art
says:
and why i want to go to this place with long history? cuz i want to know where all starts?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
can...
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
u plan to travel anot?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
cos milan is in quite a central european position so easy to travel
says:
i hope so..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
can put that down if u plan to travel
says:
OK
says:
i thought of gg france..
says:
cuz nearby also
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
yup~
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
u can note down the proximity of milan as compared to other italian states to france
says:
what do you think if i say that right now i think what i lack in design is vibrancy?
says:
like..
says:
my works are getting boring..
says:
although they still look nice enough..
says:
not enough idea
says:
gg to be dead
says:
and hoping milan will provide good inspiration? and excitement?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
i think that would be great
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
a change in environment and everything~
says:
wah..
says:
thk that's abt it..
says:
you think i should talk about my capabilities?
says:
necessary?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
what sort of capabilities?
says:
that i can draw?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
erm...
says:
i take watercolour class outside under a fairly well-known singaporean artist?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
u did mention that u are an art student right?
says:
out of point?
says:
just interested..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
actually, u can mention ur watercolour class
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
i think that sounds very interesting
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
u can put in just after ur passion thingie
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
to emphasise about how passionate u r
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
and the length u willing to go to achieve ur passion
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
hehehe
says:
ok.. good good..
says:
u thk they will be interested in portfolio?
says:
should i mention it?
says:
or wait till interview?
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
can too~
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
maybe for interview u can bring about ur portfolio
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
actually i dont know if u will have interview anot cos i didnt have one
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
but it might be because i'm an lpp student
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
mayybe u will have
says:
ok..
says:
thk that shld be enough ba..
says:
i'll go rephrase everything later..
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
yup~
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
jiayou~
says:
now needa go.. mtg siew kuang
says:
yup
says:
thanks joan
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
no probbies~
winks:
Play "Kiss"
- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
hahaha...
says:

- xxoos burning on a stake - says:
byebye~

Notice I pepper lots of "yup~" and "that's great" in my sentences, that's a kind of encouragement, I guess, and the use of rhetorical questions, it's like consulting the other party for their opinion but in actual fact pushing forward your own opinion. Communication is a skill, a very intriculate skill.

I really wish all the best to my friend in her exchange programme application~

Another thing I want to talk about of communication is the use of body language. The above mentioned friend was relating to me an incident. She and our other friend went to visit our dance instructor who was hospitalised. Our other friends did not know that she was attached, but the dance instructor read from her body language and questioned her if she got attached. I remembered another incident regarding my present drama instructor. From reading my body language, he had read my problems and gave me an advice without asking me about my problems, he simply just told me that I needed a closure, which was very spot on. Is it something to do with these performing arts people that they are so good in using the actions and body language to communicate? Amazing...

I now have yet acquired that skill, the only thing I'm good at is writing, or rather crafting of words to fit my motive.

This is my personal statement. I wouldn't say it is well written cos of the circumstances I wrote it, but I think it is adequately crafted.

Actually, I am a European Studies major, but apparently there is no such of a choice in the above choices. I would wish to make use of the opportunity to go overseas, to Europe, so that I can on first hand learn more about the countries there and their language and culture.

I am currently learning German language so being able to go to Germany would help me make use of what I have learn in my classes. Also, it could serve as an enhancement of what I have learnt, not just the language, but also my other European Studies module. All along, I have great interest in European history which is also my main focus of my European Studies discipline, and I believe that Germany holds a pivotal role in European history, therefore my interest in going to Germany for this exchange programme and my learning of the German language.

I think I would make a good ambassador of not only NUS, and also Singapore and able to promote local culture overseas. I am effectively bilingual and able to communicate effectively in English and Chinese. Also, being part of the exco of NUS Chinese Drama, my mission is to promote Chinese and Chinese culture. I hope that by being part of this exchange programme I can spread Chinese culture overseas and also in the meantime being able to learn more about German culture from the locals there.

As a SEP LPP student who went on the Immersion last June, it is that I have to go on an SEP to Germany as part of an agreement when I was awarded the award. Also, my previous experience in Germany was an extremely pleasant one and I really hope that I can make another trip back there. As part of the programme, I was in Freiburg last June and it was a very rewarding experience. Hence, the University of Freiburg is one of my choices for this SEP. However, I am more interested in going to the University of Heidelberg instead as I had also visited that town and really loved the ancient feel of the place. Another of my choices is the University of Munich. I chose that as one of my choices as Munich is a footballing city and being in a footballing city during the time of the World Cup would not only be an eye opener but also a very fun experience.

In fact, my conveyner thought I was being brutally truthful and showed my personal statement, the part about me and my football craze to the other lecturers around and they totally dif my football joke, or do they see me as a joke? Heck, I'm the one going to be in Germany during the 2006 World Cup now anyway, not them~ Bleahz...

My own experience of SEP application can be found here. A traumatic read I should say. I guess everyone's application is that traumatic, perhaps if mine wasn't that traumatic I wouldn't have been able to give that sound an advice to my dear friend.