Regrets, a Lunchtime Musing

I brought my mother and my sister out for lunch yesterday afternoon. Though it was meant to be lunch, we ate at about 4pm in the afternoon, a very Joan timing.

At first, I had only thought of bringing my sister out to eat having just received my tuition fees, and I thought that my parents would be out like they always are every weekend, but it turned out that my dad was out of town, leaving the three of us at home. So I decided to pull the mother out too. We went down to Holland Village to have Crystal Jade Lamian Xiaolongbao.

It's not very often I can bring my mum out like this for lunch, in fact I think it has really been a very long time since I treated my mum well. Then I started thinking, if my mum were to die, what regrets would I have? *touch wood* I know this sounds pretty morbid, but it's pretty true. I often think of such of myself too, if I were to die tomorrow morning in a car accident, what regrets would I have? We all have some kind of regrets, some small, some big, some we can make it back, some gone forever.

My little regrets are often regarding money, overspending, buying that piece of dress that looks horrible on me, and me never wearing it, or sometimes, not buying that piece of clothing, and when I turned back to get it, its last piece was sold. I remember that there was this red windbreaker from adidas which I liked but didn't have the chance to buy it before it was recalled, also a regret. But these regrets can be atoned. I was given another piece of red windbreaker, also from adidas for my birthday. I gave away that horrible dress so I won't be seeing it ever again, unless it's on someone else.

Going into bigger regrets, I have some which I lost time over, rather than money. I lost time, and precious youth over some stuff which I never liked mentioning to anybody. If you happen to know what is it, then fine, if you don't don't ask me anything about it. I have absolutely no wish to face with that any more, I want it out of my life, and hopefully I can forget about it all.

Most of my regrets are about friends, and friendships. I have lost friends because of misunderstandings, and to me every of that is a regret. I have also lost friends because losing contact, and me procrastinating trying to get back into contact with them, a regret that I have only myself to blame. I remember from my kindergarden, there was this Eurasian girl I was pretty close with, but I have no clue to where she is now. In fact, I never properly graduated from my kindergarden. Every student before leaving would have a picture taken by that school but I never had one, because my leaving was pretty sudden.

Then there was my primary school, Nan Hua Primary, the friends I've lost contact there because of my transferring schools. I never got a chance to properly say goodbye to all my friends because I left also pretty suddenly. It was during the school holidays when I received the notification, then I just disappeared after school started.

Times in Tao Nan also left much regret. Regrets of my behaviour towards some people, regrets of some friends whom I've made, regrets about not studying and many more.

Then in Secondary school and in JC, there were also friends made and friends lost, all because of us not making an effort to try and keep in contact. Some are because there is a lack of fate. We've found other friends, and saw no more need of old friends, or that we prioritise our friends differently. Even until present day, some of these regrets still persist under different circumstances. Add in misunderstandings and misgivings, friends gain friends lost, everything comes a full circle. But with regret.

I treasure people a lot, and hence I place great importance in friendship and human relationships. To lose a friend is something ranked highest in my not to do list, but sometimes I also can't help but to lose friends. I once wrote about it somewhere buried deep in my archives that I had this friend. I tried calling him up, sending him letters (I know it sounds very old school) but all to no avail, he wasn't keen on keeping contact, and after a while, I just gave up. It's difficult, but I don't want to appear too desperate. At least to me, I know I had made an effort. I still regret, but at least I regret with a clear conscience.

There are also some friendships that somehow got tangled in a web od misunderstandings and misgivings. I still don't know how to solve that out. Most of the time, I'm the nice person, I'd apologise and treat it as nothing happened. People who know me know that I'm frank and direct, I say things to close friends without thinking and they shouldn't really take notice of the crap I usually say. But sometimes, I'm too short tempered and would get myself into quarrels frequently not everybody know that I mean no harm, and hence, not everybody is able to take it, and hence, I lose friends who have yet to know me well. That would be my fault and my regret.

But there are also cases of misunderstanding that isn't my fault. I feel indignant and misunderstood, and all those negative feelings I hate the most. I nurse grudges, I'm vengeful, but I also am regretfully. Sometimes I might regret myself, sometimes I'd put the regret on others. Like I often tell myself, that I regret giving so and so a tight slap before I left, before we parted, before what and what. A bit negative of a feeling, but a regret nonetheless.

Some regrets are regrets that are stuck for life. When a person dies, the regrets you have associated with that person will stick onto you for life. Coupled with that I'm the biggest procrastinator on earth, I know I'll just end up with the biggest regret one day.

My biggest regret now, is already a regret that will stick onto me for life, I just need to add up a couple more of those, wait for a couple more deaths, and soon I'll be a person with nothing but regret.

When she was alive I told her many times I wanted to learn how to make agar agar, the special brown kind which she makes. I wanted to learn how to cook braised eggs which even my mother still hasn't got it perfected. I wanted to learn how to cook the yellow noodle with fishballs. But I only knew how to say I want. I never made an effort to find the time to learn. I procrastinated and gave myself a whole lot of excuses. She was young and healthy then. How was I to know that all it takes was a few months, 8-10 only for her to be contracted with illness, struck deep with virus and just going off like that. A year ago she was in the pinkest of health.

Because of that reason, I went on a retreat the last holidays to stay with my grandfather, even though we hardly communicate, at least I get to spend some time with him. I now try to make time for mahjong with my other grandmother, and time with my family, the whole extended family. Even my cousin, we make time to go out often with each other, though it's usually hard on our purses since we are so bad influences on each other.

I don't know anyone knows this or not, but this is the first time I'm writing this down on black and white. I'm estranged from one of my aunt. I don't talk to her, in fact I totally ignore her, to me she just doesn't exist. When she attempts to talk to me, I never reply, in fact I totally disregard her presence. When I look at her, I look through her, like there's nobody in front of me. I don't regret our strained relationship, but I regret taking things to drastic to this step.

Sometimes I wonder, if ghosts are present because they have unfinished business, when I die in a car accident tomorrow morning, will I become a ghost.

I think I will.