Monday, May 15, 2006

To 5 People

Found this off Cindy's blog... It is to describe about 5 people without naming them, and even if they ask you if one of them is them, you cannot answer them. Thought it would be quite interesting to do, besides, I don't think I'll have any other chance to say these words to these people too.

I've never called you by your name ever before. In fact, I've never even referred you by your name ever before. And I don't think I'll ever do so. For one thing, I don't think I'll ever have the guts to call you by your name, and another, I don't think we'll ever develop such a relationship where I'd feel comfortable calling you by your name.

It's just like Syaoran (I'm now watching Tsubasa Chronicles on Youtube, but I'm referring to the Syaoran in Cardcaptor. High influx on anime on me recently that even my analogies are all anime influenced.) never once called Sakura until the elevator scene. Neither did he call her Kinomoto. He just starts off with something like "hey you...". It's the same thing, the awkward relationship between us and that of Syaoran and Sakura. Syaoran was supposed to be Sakura's rival, but he ends up falling for her, and until he could really accept the fact that he likes her, he couldn't bring himself to call her by her name. Our relationship though not that complicated, is just as awkward. Do I like you? I don't know. All that I know is that even if (and I do mean if because I think actually I don't really like you at all) I like you, I won't be accepting that as a fact, so I don't see myself ever calling you by your name.

This is a very important person in my life.I can't remember how we became close friends, but I remember that you were there for me when I was at the lowest point in my life. Maybe I can say that we started from there. Although I never thought much about your place in my life, it's that now you aren't here with me that I realise your importance in my life.

I'm always thinking of you. Every little thing reminds me of you. That I realise that so much of my memories are moulded just because you were there with me. Watching movies, taking trains, taking photos, even walking in the rain all reminds me of the times we shared. Now that I'm away I'm really afraid that we might drift apart. It's a big fear in me. But I can say, now that I know your importance, I'll try my very best to salvage anything that might drift us apart and hope that when I return we can still be that good friends as before.

But I'm really unsure. There've been times when we did drift apart because of petty stuff. Although those stuff are over, they are stuff which have happened and will be that scar between us.

Although we might seem as very good friends, deep down I'm really very jealous of you, and I don't even know what I'm jealous over. When we first knew each other, I didn't really like you, but as time passed and we got to know each other better I found you very much a very good and dependable friend. And I really treated you as a good and dependable friend. But sometimes I still cannot supress my jealousy.

I'm not jealous of who you are or what you are, but I'm jealous of your potential. The potential of your relationship with someone else. This makes my worries sound so unfounded and me so despising myself because of this unfounded jealousy. I don't know what am I to think of myself. I really hope, and I really do, that I can overcome this jealousy, somehow or another.

Till today I really can't understand what happened between us. I always thought we were very good friends. I still don't think it's my fault, so I think I'm still blaming you. I really don't want to blame you though...
(This is really short as compared to the rest because I really have nothing else to say to this person anymore.)

I don't wish to talk to you, anymore. Can you please stop bothering me?

This person started out as a friend too, but this time, I guess it's my fault, I don't want to talk to this person anymore, but still, it's not my fault that I don't want to be friends, more so that it's what was done to me that I think that this said person is not worthy to be a friend.

I told you before, that and yet time and time again you really to spite me and really make so so pissed of with you. I think anyone would have been pissed off with you too, so can't you just reflect over it and quit whining. yea... And unless you sincerely want to apologise, and do what is it that you are supposed to do, I'd take it that you don't exist.


This actually reminded me of an activity Peter Sau had with us once. We had to write a letter to a person telling of our true feelings towards that person. I wrote and said it aloud, but unlike everyone else, mine was not named and the person whom I addressed was sitting in the same room.

It's really difficult to tell some people our real feelings and what we really want to say that more often than not we don't say what we want to say. It's not really a good thing... hai... I must do this exercise more often, beats putting everything stuck in my chest.

1 comment:

cindy said...

yes.. good exercise isnt it? haha.. :)