Go Away

Dear The-fucker-who-keeps-prank-calling-me-with-a-private-number,

Is it that you have nothing better to do on a sad Chinese New Year Day that you have to resort to call me this morning just before 7am when I'm still sound asleep, and continue to call on me three to four times every hour just to irritate the fell out of me?

Crap, even as I'm typing this open letter to you, I can hear my handphone ringing away in the background and I know it's you, that's like the fifth time in the past 10min, you broke your record, how amazing.

I genuinely thought that it was an urgent phone call when you called this morning before 7am and I even picked up the phone only not to hear anything. Worried about what I might or might not have heard, I even picked up the phone when you called again a minute later, but other than "hello" and "I'm that/a guy" you didn't said anything else. By the third time you called I was truly worried about you because I thought you were someone I know, but the third time you called, and said more "hello"s, I knew I didn't recognise you voice, and if I don't recognise your voice, you probably isn't someone I should be worrying about.

It was also then that I realised that you are a prank caller. A prank caller with nothing better to do than to irritate the hell out of me. I thought by switching off the phone you wouldn't call again, but you did continue to call after I switched my phone back on. Even though I did receive a Caller Alert from Singtel it's no use because the number Singtel said tried to call me is 659xxxxxxx which last 8 digits coincide with MY handphone number. I don't know how you did that, but I'm pretty sure there's no way one can use my handphone to call myself.

You think you might be smart enough to have your number listed as private, thinking that I can't trace you down, but I know (from too much television drama and criminal novels, and forensic science lectures) I can trace you down if I report to the police, but of course, going down to the police station would be a hassle for me and I also don't know what the police might want to do with my handphone, but I assure you that if this is to carry on, I will report you to the police. I will. Mark my words.

It really sucks to miss all the private number calls because I know of friends whose phone numbers are listed as private, so I don't want to be missing their calls. But I really have no wish to entertain you, so I guess I'll just miss those calls. If friends of mine are urgently looking for me, they won't fear leaving a tracable SMS for me to detect them.

I certainly hope you, this asshole, is not a friend of mine and have just randomly picked a number to irritate the hell out of the unfortunate one, but if you were to be someone I know, I'm hell going to make you pay for this man. Waking night owl Joan early in the morning is enough for me to want to draw blood from you.

What's worse is that I can't always switch off my phone because I use my phone as an alarm, and I can't turn my phone to silent mode either. If I turn it to silent mode, the alarm won't ring. Sucks... I might need to get a new alarm clock now. damnit.

I'll set the deadline to be Tuesday, if by Tuesday morning I still get you calls, I'll hop down to the Marine Parade Neighbourhood Police Centre to make a report and get Singtel to release my call logs, and trace the calls that were made by you and WE WILL TRACE YOU DOWN.

I'll give you a benefit of doubt that you are a sad and lonely person who has nothing to do during the festive holidays and it's only these days that you need to make sure that other people can't be happier than you. So let's make it a deal, when the holidays ends, and your loneliness ends, you shall stop irritating me, okie? You had also better not irritate anyone else.

If by chance that you happen to see this open letter, I hope you will repent, and if you do I shall forgive and forget and forget that you have been so irritating.

I'll be having an early night tonight, so I hope that you can don't call me tonight and tomorrow morning before 9am. You can, however, call me at 9am to remind me to wake up to catch the simulcast of The Amazing Race: All Stars. I haven't decided who I want to win, but I sure know that I do not want Uchenna and Joyce to win. You can wake me up to watch that show, but please do not call me during the show and make me feel uneasy throughout the show.

Thank you very much for your kind attention, you nothing-better-to-do-fucker. You know, if you really got nothing better to do, how about trying to wank a couple of times? Maybe for every call you make you wank once, that way the world can be a much happier place for me to live in, just don't tell me what you did in your reclusive life.

Good night, and have a happy chinese new year by yourself.

With much despise and distaste,
Joan Ang

PS: Sorry for the constant use of fuck, I'm trying not to be so crude lately, but I can't help it, this guy is really a fucker.