Monday, April 09, 2007

Updates in My Life

The past couple of weeks was a rush, deadlines, projects, tests and whatnots. I still have stuff to rush until the end of the week. Really, I can't wait for this week to end even though I know I screwed up my CAs. Coupled in with the fact that 2 of my modules are non-examinable, I know I just know my this semester is pretty much screwed.

Another symptom I can feel from me being so stressed are the physical symptoms, my morning sickness is back, the feelings of wanting to puke, the sniffling, which I didn't notice until Someone pointed it out, and the weak constitution, the most damning symptom I could have. I really feel so much under the pressure. For the first time, I decided to give food a pass, the cheese sausage from bizad somemore, because I just wasn't feeling too well. There must be something really wrong with me.

Outside of school, I tried to busy myself, not think too much about other problems, and I should say I was quite successful. Spending time with friends, and family, bringing my little cousin out for the day, manja-ing my dad, kajiao-ing Someone, meeting up with old friends, striking a diet bet with dear Cindy, making new friends. I was happy. But today something unexpected popped up, really spoiled my mood for the rest of the night.

Rough Patch came back to haunt. If that's not the worst, I was sorely disappointed by another person. I guess I won't be watching Broadway Beng now.

I don't understand why some relationships between people can go wrong so suddenly. It is due to a prolonged build up of tension that when there's a crack, the whole thing breaks, or is it because it just suddenly breaks without any reason or anything. I'm really afraid of making new friendships with the fear of something going to go awry sooner or later. Or maybe there's just something wrong with me. I'm too filled up with insecurites and inferiorities that sometimes I really hate myself.

I need a hug, a tight hug, a comforting voice to tell me that it's not my problem. I need a shoulder for me to cry on. I've been holding back the tears for too long already, I need an outlet. I just need somewhere to vent out everything.

I'm not supposed to be emo tonight, I'm not actually feeling that emo, really. Don't know why this post just ends up sounding quite emo. I was talking to this person from my class, realised that he stays in Serangoon Gardens, in fact he has been staying there since forever. I thought back about my growing up years at the back alleys of Serangoon Gardens, with my cousin, with my grandmother, with my grandfather. I think of how my grandfather looked when I saw him last Saturday. Somewhere inside me I can feel the pain. Just that person said that his mother said that his grandmother probably knew my grandmother when she was alive. I miss her.

I'll be getting a bit random from here on. I'm just going to type whatever that comes into my head. But I suddenly can't think of anything now.

Someone was telling me about his friend's sob story, maybe the night's getting into me, the more I think of the story the worse I feel. Seems like the story has a counter effect on me. I think my rough patch is a more of a sob story when comparing both stories. Maybe because Rough Patch never treated me well, maybe because things dragged on until things blew out of proportions, maybe the masochist in me just wants me to feel worse than I already am.

Someone was saying that he for a period of time he'd avoid this certain area because of some reasons, I replied that there isn't a need to avoid because I believe that one won't see what one doesn't want to see. The route I take to school every day goes by Rough Patch's place, it's unavoidable. But to think about it now, can there be a reason for me conditioned to fall asleep on the bus so that I am unconscious every time the bus passes by that place? Maybe it's not that I won't see what I don't want to see, but I'm escaping from what I don't want to see. I'm really not that strong after all.

I want to take a trip to somewhere, just to sit around and relax and chill. Don't need for shopping or anything, just a nice resort with a nice room, a nice beach or nice pool, and nice company, and some really great food. I don't mind gaining 1kg if I can just relax like that. My life is too saturated already. Conversely, I can just skip the resort, just bring me to somewhere quiet and tranquil, nice company and nice food. Just to sit around, with a pot of tea, and finger food, and chat and watch the sky turns grey. I'm really a simple person.

Have I mentioned that I need a hug?

On a lighter note, football looks great, both Chelsea and Werder Bremen are at second position looking to threaten. It might be a draw in the Champions League for Chelsea, but at least it isn't that difficult a score to overturn.

I'm feeling hungry now. I guess this means that the wave of unhappiness has past. I've got cravings for bizad's cheese sausage. I've a picture somewhere in my handphone, but it looks more phallic than appetising. I want to eat xiaolongbao also. I want to eat dim sum. In fact, I've been thinking about Yum Cha after Someone mentioned Chinatown, oh and that reminds me yet again of the sausage stand at Chinatown there too. damn... And like every night, I never fail to say I got cravings for Char Siew Rice. haha~

I need to watch more anime once the reading week sets in. I want to watch Rose of Versailles. Coming up soon but the fansubbers like not working very hard at are Les Miserable and Romeo x Juliet. Maybe I'll start reading manga online also. I thinking of buying a new set of manga since Furuba is ending. Should I buy the entire set of Kare Kano or should I start collecting Gakuen Alice, or should I just save up the money?

Aiya... I can't carry on this post anymore. I'll blog something decent sometime soon. good night~

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