I wasn't feeling that all emo-stable this whole day. Late night watching of idol dramas, plus stomach not feeling too well, plus disturbing movie, plus he not feeling too well, plus brush from the past, added up to an emo girl.
Then just when I got back and chatted with Jinwei, he talked about his romantic plans to get the girl he likes, I started feeling quite a bit uneasy. Maybe it's also because I'm a sucker for romance, and I know that romance seems very far off from me. Since I promised I won't divulge any details about his plans because he's afraid some other guy would copy his idea, I can just say that it's really very sweet, idol drama like. Ya... Perhaps after watching too many idol dramas one starts to have all these warped ideas about romance. Like every little thing must be done up romantic.
In a fairytale world, everything have floral frames in pastel colours. Prince charmings have big watery eyes that just gaze into you making you melt, like Wu Zun of Hana-Kimi fame. Even He Junxiang in Devil Beside You has these beautiful expressive eyes. All little acts of romance are exaggerated, love letters fill up the whole scene. Even the relationships between the girl and the guy are steamy illicit relations, sibling-love, teacher-student love, bad boy good girl, rich boy poor girl, all very suggestive, and very interesting.
Contrasting to all that, my life seems too bland and plain.
The most interesting thing in my life seems to be my imagination, which more often than not runs far wilder than anyone's dreams, or nightmares rather. And the more I indulge in the interesting aspects of my life, the more withdrawn I am from the real world. I think all guys are like Ming, and hence lose faith in men. I think all female friends are like Scarlett, and hence lose faith in all women. And I fear that one day I'd end up like Shan even though when I first started writing I saw myself as more Scarlett than Shan.
Jinwei said right when he commented on my writing making me think that all sorts of screwed up life I came up with is becoming reality even though it's not.
Leaving RP was, or does is sound better, a decision I can always retract, and somehow, it remains an alternative for me when all else fails. And the more I think of this possibility the worse I feel inside me, because that's just a selfish and extremely unfair thought. Just think about all the people I'd hurt in the process, and it's not just contextualising Shan into real life.
Well, just as I was wallowing up in envy and discontent, I came across Yanwei's blog and nudged him on MSN about it. Let's just say that his story to tell made me feel instantly better. Even though the whole point was about something else, it somehow did manage to lift up my spirits a little. hai... Why do I feel wrong in feeling happy when others are suffering. geez...
In life, we always compare with the better ones and always feel ourselves being worse off, but take time off and see the really worse off ones, then maybe self-contentment isn't too difficult. As much as I see all the negativity in life, I too must be reminded of all my little happiness too. hai...
I should really be contented with what I have, and not keep thinking keep thinking keep thinking of anything else.