Numb

When this girl is busy it seems like she's very busy, but when she's free, she's so goddamn boliao.

But comparing, i'd rather be goddamn boliao than stressed like siao. What do I do when I'm stressed? I cry, I make myself feel bad, I think that the whole world hates me, I hole myself up in a corner and pretend that no one in the world needs me. And today, I found out that I was labelled as a big show off. Like what the crap?! A person who does front stage work and not back stage work. Okay... I'm bitter, I'm indignant, I feel terribly misunderstood. Then again, why shd I care about what others think when my conscience is clear? Bah...

When bad things come, always note that they don't just come, they swarm towards you. Yup... I hate cors. Someone should just screw cors. Like what the heck? I'm missing one tutorial and the only slot where there's vacancy for that tutorial is Wednesdays 10am. As you guys know, Joan not a morning person. But somehow, after the initial indignant, shouts and cries and unhappiness, I feel so numb.

Numb.

I think that's the ultimate extreme point of unhappiness. Sucks... My heart is dead.

At this point in time, I feel so vulnerable, like anyone can just enter the void space in my heart and take over the whole of it. But I dont want that to happen. Or rather, I want that to happen. I just dont know what I want or what I dont want, see, I'm being vulnerable. You can even make me believe that shit can turn into gold and with all my wit even at this point in time, i'll still believe. I dont know...

I want to sleep, but I dont want to sleep.

I want to call somebody to pour out all my problems, but I dont want to feel so naked in front of that person.

I want to cry, but i dont want people to think that i'm being weak.

What can I do? Who can help me? Do I actually want to do anything? Do I actually want people to help me? I don't know. Like I said, I'm freaking in complete conflict with myself.