Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I Lost Myself and Gained Another Baggage

I remember some time ago I told myself that I shall not bring all my emotional baggage out into the open again. For the sake of myself and the people around me, I should keep them somewhere inside me. But I failed horribly in trying to do so. In fact, in trying so hard to get back something I so wanted, I totally lost myself, and gained another emotional baggage.

I tried everything I could to hold onto it. I did the best I can. I tried being docile and always being around, that failed. I tried being the strong silent one giving advices cos someone told me that was better than being docile, that failed. I even tried mindfucking, that failed the worst. I got myself mindfucked and so unhappy and that happening to myself, I tried to play pay in on, and got myself doubly fucked. I can't mindfuck for anything other than me receiving another dose of mindfuck, this time from myself. I tried living with it, but I find my nights now driven into despair.

I once gave this analogy to a fast friend of mine. He tried probing into me, the nicest way I could say out this problem is that shit fell onto me. Not once, not twice, not even three times. Shit fell on me a goddamn four times. During that little conversation we had, we both concluded that I cannot go around letting shit fall on me again, but what he didn't know that that although I wiped off one of the shit on my head, I still have three pieces of shit left. Although one piece of shit is turning invisible, the fact remains that it is still there, although I have no idea if another piece of shit has yet turn invisible, the fact remains that it is still there, whether or not anyone can see it. And I won't be wanting to clear two pieces of the shit. I might be able to wipe off one piece of shit, but I can't bring myself to do it to the other two pieces. Even that piece which I might be able to wipe it off, it would really take me a big deal to get that piece of tissue paper.

Before we fell out, I had this friend whom I share all my problems to. I joked that perhaps I'm just suay, or I have a face that attracts shit, or I have the Midias Touch, only thateverything I touch will turn to shit. later, just before we fell out, he gave me this advice, don't bring out my emotional baggage to just about anyone. I heeded advice. That's why to fast friends, I don't dare delve deep into my problems. Even when I told the first friend my problems, I used a humorous analogy, and tried laughing it out.

but I almost made the mistake again. I think I am a person seeking comfort, so time to time I cannot control myself and want to seek solace in people. I'm emotionally overly dependent on others. But as someone had pointed it out somewhere I read, emotional baggage is not attractive. And if this goes on, I'll not only lose all possible friends who are of the same kind as my second friend.

This another fast friend of mine is potentially a piece of shit. maybe I should really heed the first friend's advice and steer myself far far away from all possible shit-like stuff, then maybe things will be fine after all. And I should keep my emotional baggage all to myself.

People don't know where you've come from, but they can see where you are heading towards.

What is the use of me hugging Nicky to sleep every night? What is the use of me continuing that hide and seek lifestyle? Even after that little hitch, can't learn from mistakes. What would take it for me to drop down everything and just start life anew without the shits or baggages.

I have this fantasy. Perhaps, sometime in the near future, someone can help me wipe off the shits on me, and to take over my baggages from me and perhaps chuck them aside. I can always get new clothes. But then, why must I need help? Why can't I clean off the shit myself or chuck the baggages away myself? Well, the only explanation I can give is not that I'm dependent on others, but I see it as a motivation. There is nothing now for me wo do clean up and spring cleaning, but if the need arises, I will have to do it. I can't will myself to want to do it, as of yet.

Suddenly I'm looking forward to my exchange programme. Maybe having a change in environment will do me some good. Maybe there is another life out there in the big big world. Maybe...

Or am I merely escaping from the problem? Would I come back to Singapore four months later to the same old problem to the same old shit and to the same old baggage? i hope this won't be the case.

I realised I've been blogging a lot lately, and some of these thoughts aren't really suitable for most people to read, but I'm still doing it. I need an avenue to discharge my feelings. Perhaps if there was an emotional version of a pensieve that can serve me to great use, if not, I hope by blogging things out I can feel more relaxed. The stress is getting into me too. I do lots of shit things during exams, can go and check my archiaves and see, everytime during exam period what are all the funny things I find myself doing.

I'm tired. I slept at 4+am last night and woke up at 8. I took an hour+ nap in the afternoon but was still very tired. I went to take another nap at 11pm and woke up at 1am. Maybe I should straight after typing this, time now, 2.37am, it's a bit more than half an hour since I started writing this entry.

Actually, I have a confession to make. I am nocturnal only because I am afraid of sleeping. I'm afraid of the day ending, and I lost another day by whiling myself away, so I try to procrastinate ending the day. Another thing I'm afraid of sleeping are the dreams I can have. No, not nightmares, but dreams, starkly true dreams. Some dreams can be sweet, reflecting my innermost desires, but when I wake up, there'd be this hollow feeling, because I know it is not possible. Some dreams reflect reality, the stark dreams that harshly reminds myself where is my position in life and warns me not to do anything stupid. I can feel the fear when I wake up to that.

But I'm tired. So I guess I really should be sleeping. My appointment is tomorrow. I'll see how things go from there, hope it would really do me at least some good instead of telling me the usual things of letting go.

Good night baby~ Come on Nicky, let's go...

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