Thursday, January 19, 2006

Emo Thu

I woke up this afternoon at 1.30pm to a huge headache. From my bed, the angle of which my pillow is situated directs me to my parents' bedroom window. I don't know when did I start, but everytime when I wake up to that window being shut, I'd bolt up awake immediately. This afternoon I bolt up awake immediately.

I walked about the house hoping to find pieces of notes from my mother noting where she had gone or what food there was which I could eat, but there was neither. I didn't bother calling my mum anyway, I think somwhere along the way, I've developed a proud and pseudo-independent nature. Instead, I opened my computer and hanged out online. I didn't want to chat, I turned away those people who tried to chat with me.

Rather, I stayed online and read this the whole day, and even more pathetic, I played this and completed all 229 questions and scored 204 of them correct. I think I've reached the nadir of boredom. Then after that I continued reading The Eyre Affair by Jasper Fforde, it's just starting to get a little bit more interesting than I thought.

I don't know why I am feeling so emo today, I think it's the combination of the lack of sleep, outright procrastination and a myraid of other feelings regarding my impending trip to Germany. I came back from Germany the last time with something I didn't want and lost a lot of things I wanted. I'm really apprehensive about this trip this time. I'm really afraid of losing more than I want to or gaining things I don't want.

If not for the 10pm chU show every day, I don't think I even have anything which I can look forward to. Someone asked me why I am so attracted to that show, I don't know. Maybe it's not that show which I'm attracted to but the thought of there's something I can look forward to every day is very soothing. It's been a long time since I am so addicted to something, usually I'm like so nua with everything. There's nothing in my life which can light me up.

I see history repeating itself over and over again. Like an analogy I had with a friend of mine. I'm thrown into the big big sea with nothing to help me survive, then I see a log, I grab onto the log and grab it so tightly thinking that that is the key to my survival. I once had this log whom I rely heavily upon for my emotional outpour, but after sometime, I think he realised what I was using him for and we drifted apart. He thought it was for the better of me to learn how to swim on my own, but he didn't realise that after him I can just look for another log. Right now I've another log and I'm doing exactly the same things to my new log as I did to my old one. It's not a good thing, but I'm too deep into it already.

Last night I was seriously considering my actions, whether it was right for me to do somethings. Right or wrong it not determined by one person alone, but if everybody thinks I'm doing wrong, then I must have not been doing things right. Maybe I shouldn't take things so far, once in a while I should just lie back and look at what I've done and assess if I'm doing what I should be doing.

To my log, I wish to say, I'm sorry. Give me more time for me to adjust, I'm really trying to be a better person.

hai... Feeling so emo again. I hate it!!! I need a ship to save me.

Maybe later I can do my readings, or go back to reading Jasper Fforde, or start trying to comprehend the Memoirs, I really need to brush up on my German. Maybe I should be starting on my German homework, and my Chinese drama stuff, or help out with Cindy on her script for the Theatrefest, she isn't heading anywhere at the present moment. My procrastinating habits just set in like that. I think I need more discipline, can someone discipline me on my behalf? At this rate, I'll never get anywhere.

I've just finished watching the complete set of VCDs for 宝莲灯, I think that's making me more emo also. I think I'm starting to ramble.

My mum just gave me a bowl of double-boiled soup. The headache's a bit better, but I still feel damn emo, I don't even know what I'm doing what I'm writing, and for once in MSN I'm writing lesser than the other person. I usually write like as though I'm rambling but I just can't seem to be able to crap today. I don't know what will be this weekend, and Chinese New year is right around the corner.

I'm supposed to be organising a back to TJ outing for the girls, right now there's me, Jasmine, and Rozie having free days, Hamidah, Jiadai and Zihui end at about noon, Shuhui, Yingling and Eunice end at about 4, so should I go ahead with it?

So many things in my puny brain and worse of all, I can't shake some people out of my head. I think of them like day in day out, and worse still I don't even have a chance to tell them that. What the heck la...

1 comment:

cindy said...

hey glad tt u still think abt me and my prob when u r in the 'emo' mood.. hee.. GET WELL SOON!! physically and emotionally~