Friday, March 24, 2006

Emo Rambling, Masked

Remember http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2006/03/blog-post_16.html? Well, I think I know where I got that inspiration from. From this wuxia novel called 《云海玉弓缘》 by 梁羽生. The protangonist was caught up between two women, one was a 正派 the other was a 邪派, both loved him, but he thought he loved the former more. In the end, after a lot of problems, the latter died party because of suicide, partly because of herself, partly because of him. Then after she died, he realised that actually, in fact, he did love her too. And because of her death, he left the former.

Death can be a tool too.

I take bus to and from school. The route of my bus is such that I'd pass by 4's house (house as in the Singapore meaning of house, not really a house house). It is bad enough that I'd have to pass by 4's house twice everytime I go to school. Fate's playing such a big joke on me that now the stretch of road just after 4's house is close for works on the Circle Line. Damn the Circle Line! Now, the bus actually goes around 4's house, from the back, then the side then go on the the front of the house giving me a full view of everything. Instinctively, I'd turn my head up and look, and try and guess which is his house and see if I can see anything inside.

Sucks.

Remember Rin?
FB_rin
I thought she was pregnant with Haru's child, but actually she isn't pregnant at all. I guess I just thought too much. After seeing a couple of scenes of them making out I just guessed that she was pregnant, that's a bit too stretching even by my standards. Anyway, I think she's now left the country, possibly to rehabilitate, and I guess Haru will follow her there soon, to take care of her or something, after all even if she isn't pregnant, she does have stomach ulcers.

Oh well...

Of course, knowing my mistake, the first thing I did was to share the information with some people, namely 3 and 5, hoping that they might be able to give me some insights, and also provide me some support to counter my stupidity.

Thank you.

Some time ago, I wrote this piece http://jal4eva.blogspot.com/2005/12/full-circle.html. But I've gained some new insights to this whole matter. Maybe it's better not to have a closure. Well, of course that said person would say that it's better not to have a closure after all it's to his benefit, but for all not to have a closure would be a bit different. Each and Every is (or is it are?) different

Well, I've seen through it almost. People can preach but not act. Everyone think that what they do is ultimately correct and the best for others, and they go about saying that what others are doing is wrong and they should not be doing that at all, but turn tables around, actually everyone is doing the same thing, everyone's making the same mistakes. I must try to keep my ground, keep my determinations level up and hopefully I can tide through this difficult period and before I know it, it'll be over, even without need to reach the starting point, a square might look good on me.

I don't know how can one change so quickly. Yesterday was such an interesting day, I met two interesting people who lit up my dull life and I thought suddenly I did have a life, but things turned out pretty badly, today was not so good. I think this is an after effect of reading too much. I've downloaded two wuxia novels to read, but I think I might only read one of them. Actually I've read both before, even the 《云海玉弓缘》 I was talking before, these are all books I've read before, just wanted to reread them.

The thing about Liang Yusheng's novels is that he reuses characters. The protagonists of one book will be reused as some small character in another book and that character often won't be shown in the same favourable light. Well, in life it's the same thing, some people under different circumstances might be seen differently. Sometimes I might like that person, some times not, depending on the context of where the character appears. And also the comparison of the characters to other characters.

hai...

My tuition girl's father drives a BMW630i, I saw it last week when her mother took that to pick her up. I thought about 4. Gone are the days of fast cars and my 645Ci, now everything's so subdued. Hey...

Postscript: If you don't understand what's written in here, it's normal. I don't think I meant anyone other than myself to understand all the connotations I'm writing here today. Must be the weather. I promise I'll do up a decent post after my this bout of emo. I've got some material with me but too tired and drained to blog about that. But then again, maybe that what I want to blog about might not be that interesting to most people around here.

Bahz~

3 comments:

Belphoebe said...

I hope that this can be of some help, tho' in what way, I really don't know... I don't want to give advice cos most advice is applicable only to one life -- the life of the person giving it.

I believe that what you are going through now/have gone through is going to serve a greater purpose one day, whatever that purpose, unfortunately, we won't know until the time comes. Maybe it might come when you find yourself like me, typing in comments at another person's blog, offering some words of "advice" and offering a different sense of perspective to view life from. Or your moment will come in a different way (probably more true). Everyone's life experience is unique and equally valid. Just because one didn't go the "expected path", it doesn't mean that there is something "wrong" with the person. In a world of mad people, the sane are sent to the sanitorium for being "mad"...

Everything and everyone can be a tool, not just death. If one wants a particular individual to remember one forever, suicide would seem like a rather good way; but so many people die everyday. Who would bother to remember them all? We all like to believe that people are fundamentally kind and that even if someone doesn't love us in the present moment, they would somehow suddenly change their minds when we died. If they had wanted to, they would have done it before we died. It would actually be more likely that they would come to the conclusion that it was lucky that they had never gotten together with someone who couldn't handle life. Cos if he/she couldn't handle life, he/she wouldn't make a good spouse and a mother/father to one's children. So, I feel that best way to "prove" that one is indeed the best choice, is to live on and live happier than before; find an even better guy, get married, have children and one'll be so busy being happy that one wouldn't have the time or inclination to remember the person who had caused such unhappiness before. Life is full of wonderful surprises. Little things like seeing a solitary yellow flower on top of a small hill, the smell of freshly cut grass in the field, the smell of the wind (no B.O. from the surrounding people, of cos), the feel of the cool wind that accompanies the rain, the smell of toasted bread with melted cheese, freshly-baked pizza, eating chocolate, M&Ms, Oreal cookies, potato chips, watching comedies on late night TV, etc... the list goes on.

Sometimes we don't even know that we have been used until much later. But if I keep on remembering it, I think that I'll die of mental anguish. Cos if I keep on remembering, I'll develop a victim mentality and that's not the way I want to live my life... Life is more.

Thoughts of suicide used to visit me and I would entertain them. I was a fantastic host and they would visit often. I'll even have a slumber party and bring in the other unhappy thoughts just in case I didn't feel miserable enough. :p I got lucky one day when I decided that suicide is merely a temporary solution to a permanent problem (cos I believe in the eternity of existence); which somehow made it even more depressing. haha. :D With what I now know, I know that if I had died, I would have missed out on a lot of the things that I now see/own/understand.

I seriously don't know how I coped in the past, but I'm living proof that somehow, some way, life would make a way, even when we can't see any. :) Some people think of it as God/the Angels holding their hand in the darkness and leading them through. It's a comforting image for some people and gives them the faith to go on. Other people like the "Luctor et Emergo" motto more; so they prefer to think that they did it all on their own. Doesn't really matter what one believes in; cos when one's dead, there's nothing to believe in anymore.

I just know that if it's not time for me to go, I wouldn't go. And if I have not "gone" yet, I might as well accept the reality that I am still here and live in the here and now.

I read an interesting interpretation of "letting go" recently. It says, "Another aspect is letting go, the capacity to see clearly and just not touch. We distinguish between letting go and pushing away. Letting go is letting things be, nonattachment." (P. 122, From Chapter "Mindfulness as Medicine", Healing Emotions: Conversations with the Dalai Lama on Mindfulness, Emotions and Health. Edited by Daniel Goleman, PH.D.) It's self-explainatory. Letting go is observing without comment.

One way to "see beyond" is to ask the question, "ok, so I'm feeling depresed and rather upset now, but 10 years from now, would this guy/gal/event still matter to me?" Chances are, they won't be... I started thinking back to ten years ago and I saw that what mattered to me then don't matter now; even tho' at that time, it seemed like a matter of life and death. That kind of puts things into perspective for me.

But seriously, nothing and no one is worth dying for (that's just my opinion), cos if it's really worth it, it would be worth living for. If something is really good, it won't die out that easily. If it did, it would be replaced by something else that is better (like the evolution of the species).

I believe that we will all meet the person/people who would love us for who we are (if we hadn't recognised them already, like our parents and friends); but first, we can practice loving and appreciating ourselves first. Otherwise, how are we going to show "true love" to the "wei lai ren" (person from the future)? Even if the "wei lai ren" never comes and no one else in the world loves us, we would always have that one person who loves and appreciates us -- ourself. :)

xxoos said...

i think you mean death is a permament solution to a temporary problem ba?

actually i wasn't thinking of ending my life when i wrote this post, just thinking if there's a means to leave an eternal regret in the lives of some people with my death... lol~ but of course, i won't be doing that in any of my near future.

Belphoebe said...

Good to know that you won't do anything like that. :)

I can also see how "death is a permament solution to a temporary problem". :) That can be true also, depending on what one believes in. What I wrote was, "Suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem." The permanent problem is that of existence. If I commit suicide now, I would still be faced with the problem of not knowing what to do with my existence... in whatever form I may be in.

Imagine the person you want to inflict eternal regret on in the type of pain and hurt that you wished that he/she would feel for you. Maybe he's writhing on the floor in pain, clutching his hands onto his stomach, tears streaming down his face, pain in his heart, pain in his mind, everywhere. Imagine him going through with it everyday for the rest of his life. Got the picture in your mind yet? Ok, now close your eyes and go within; gently ask yourself if this is what the person would feel everyday for the rest of his life, if you still want that person to have to go through it... Try it before you read the next part.

I went through this imaginary exercise myself and realised that the thought of another person (let alone a person that I professed a deep love for) in such mental and physical anguish didn't make me any happier. I am not that kind of "nice nice" person either. Haha. But still... I don't know why, something in me really doesn't want that kind of thing to happen to the person I hate.