Wednesday, April 19, 2006

No Good

I suffered a nervous breakdown at the airport when my baggage was overweight and everything was seemed to be going wrong. My ankle's still very bad, then coupled up with all the stress and the (not confirmed) modules that I'd be doing, I think I'll be so damn dead.

I was a bit better when on the plane. Took a couple of videos which I have yet uploaded. The internet connection I'm stealing now is very slow so I'm not risking it, maybe sometime later ba. But what was after I got down the plane that killed me. I almost suffered another nervous breakdown and only pulled through because I had a motive. I found out that to get to the railway station, I needed to get onto a shuttlebus. With my excess baggage, it was hell getting me to get up that bus and get to the railway station. I got lost a couple of times even at the railway station. The worse thing was I didn't dare ask anyone for help because my German sucked.

Still I managed to get my way to the railway station, bought my ticket, and get onto the train. That trip on the train was better, luckily, some guys helped me a bit with my suitcase, but just a bit. I also luckily managed to get onto a cab to my dorm. The trip was much cheaper than I expected, I always thought cab fares were horrendously expensive, but it was still affordable, well, at least it was by meter. The started price was 3,10euros, but other that that it was dollar for dollar, or just about there.

But the cab did not drop me at where I was supposed to be, instead he dropped me at a general point of that dorm I was at. I almost died finding the exact location considering that I have my luggage with me and it was overweight. To make things worse, after spending like more than one and a half hours struggling with my luggage to find the exact location, the person I was supposed to look for was not there. I needed to wait.

Then when I managed to find him there was again more miscommunications. Took like much agony before i can get into my room. Luckily after that things were better. I got to know the people in my dorm. They're nice.

Then I followed a girl, Anja, around to the orientation of the university. I don't know if that was the correct choice to make but I felt so horrible throughout the orientation. The support group was not helping much, okay, they were helpful but I cannot get to communicate with them properly to get them to help me. I think I'm just going to die because I don't know what to study and when I really get to study the german will kill me.

Right now I'm not in my comfort zone. I still haven't planned anything yet so everything sucks for me. I need to get myself back in such a position when everything is in my control. At the airport in Frankfurt and at the train station, even when finding my way into the hostel although was bad but I didn't get a breakdown because there was something I needed to accomplish. Right now, I'm starting to wander, not knowing what to do and this is bad. I feel like I'm trying to do so many things to get myself back into my comfort zone but I'm not accomplishing anything.

There's no one to help me, help always seem so far away. Language is a big barrier even thought it's now two years of German, it still not helping much. The worse is that the school is not helping anything at all. I'm so cold and my foot hurt. The weather is so erratic that I don't know whether I should like it or not. I hate all this improbabies. I don't know if I should put on more clothes or less or if I should bring extra clothes out or not.

I really really really need to find that comfort zone if not I'll never be happy. I've realised that I really need a comfort zone to buffer me. If i'm not in my comfort zone, at least I do need comforting people around to guide me. I'm not that strong as I thought I am. Perhaps after I get into a routine and get all my stuff settled I can be once again that independent girl I thought I was. I mean, if I managed to get from the airport to my dorm with breaking down, why am I now breaking down because I don't know what to do.

hai...

I've just emailled someone whom I think might be able to help me. I hope he does, and I hope that things can get better from now on. I need to get back into the comfort zone.

6 comments:

cindy said...

hey.. jiayou!! u can make it!! :)

Hermit said...

take care joan...

xinli said...

Take care k =) I hope things turn better for u ~ keep in contact k .. email!!

Cindy said...

hey joannie! glad u arrived safely in Germany. Though i dun think u haf start enjoying ur mins there.. but take care ya! yeah.. u r rite.. find the comfort zone~ i can't even find tt in sg.. haha.. but i am sure u can! coz u r not me~ haha... maybe my comfort zone is my blog?!?!

wad ever it is.. hope that your days will get better with each day! and tt ur ankle heals soon =(

Eunice said...

hey joan, take care gal, will be praying for you:)

Anonymous said...

ATTA gal! wear more clothes..can take off later mah ha...

and hang in there! Fun will kick in for ya real soon!

Shihui (who does not hv blogspot journals haha)