Monday, August 21, 2006

b r o k e n

Turning Back 回望来时路

She turned back. What she saw was no longer that glamour that had once attracted her so deeply that she still harboured hopes of, but instead what was left was a pile of debries, nothing much left to be desired. She did not know what she was more disappointed with, herself or the other party. She turned, and left in the other direction. Somewhere inside her thought, perhaps if she had not see the leaves falling, the tree he had once knew might still be in its full glory in her memories, but now, what she can only remember is one twisted with ugliness.

It was more than two years ago since she first set her eyes upon him. Over the years, she saw him grow, and also saw him decay, but the change was gradual, and she had not noticed the change, but now, suddenly looking back at the past, the change was too shocking for her to take it. This was not what she first set her eyes upon. She recoiled in disgust. Maybe what she was in love with was not him, but her image of him her had in her mind.

She thought after a long part that their reunion would be a sweet one, one that would rekindle her love of him, but she was starkly wrong. In an age some time ago, perhaps that stark difference might disappoint her, disappoint her glorious image she had of him, but in an age of which the green monster had consumed her, this was perhaps a much better twist of fate. She was glad that he had transformed from a prince to a pauper during the missing years, and glad that the opportunity cost of her losing of him was greatly reduced. Life was not that all bad to her.

She stared hard and deep into his cold eyes yet saw no recognition. It pained her to think that those eyes once belonged to a person so close to her. It now displayed no tinge of affection that was once characteristic of him over her. If looks could kill, she would have been pierced through the heart a dozen times, blood would flow a river from those stab wounds. And it was not as if if gaze was that intense because it was not, and it was because there was no intensity in his gaze that caused that injury to her. She really wanted to see those familiar eyes again, just once more would be enough.

The Dream 梦

I had a dream last night. Very vivid, and it instilled a sense of fear and disappointment in me, but yet, it answered none of my questions.

In the dream, I had a good friend whom I liked, but in a twist of fate, he had started a relationship with another girl a la My Best Friend's Wedding. Don't ask me how I got to know the background story before the dream started proper. I just happened to know all these details in the dream.

The dream started with me having a meal with the friend, talking and chatting, but the friend seemed different from the friend I once knew. Now, he was more distanced, more subdued, more careful with him words with me. I hated it. And because of the changes in him, I hated his girlfriend. I tried to hint to him my feelings for him, but all the hints were not picked up. I even bought this pair of dolls which looked like us which I wanted to give him, but in the end I didn't. I had wanted to give him the doll which looks like me and keep the one which looks like him.

After the meal, I decided to go back to my room. Usually I'd be escorted back to my room, but this time he didn't do so. After going back to my room and threw the dolls under my bed. I left my room door open, hoping to see him pass by me once again. And he did. Only that he wasn't alone, he was with his girlfriend and they were acting intimate. I took a stab and the doll which looked like him. Another friend of mine who knew that I liked the first friend came to console me. He even wanted to go up to the first friend to tell him straight my feelings for him, but I was against it.

I don't know why, but the next scene was a close up of the girlfriend. She was sitting on a bench by the side of a wall. I was observing her. I wanted to see what kind of girl she was for the friend to like her. She was of average height, somewhere between 1.60 to 1.65 metres, average size 50 to 55 kilograms. She had a fair complexion, with several red spots on the sides of the face and a slight acne scar but she still looked good with her big eyes, sharp nose and chin. Perhaps she might be a beauty after making up since the spots can be concealed. She had long black layered hair with bangs framing the face. My first thoughts was that her features were quite similiar to mine, she looked like me.

Someone once said, in the memory I had in the dream, that people tend to like people who reminds them of other people they might have once liked. So the first thought was that, perhaps he liked her because he thought she reminded him of me, and that he might have once liked me, hence him liking her. But that was just a fleeting thought after all he was already with that girl and there was nothing I can do about it. Well, technically I can still go and confess to him, like what the other friend wanted me to do.

The dream ended with me still pondering over should I or should I not say to the friend.

The Dream Marriage 梦中婚礼

The Last Date 最后のDate

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