Freaked Out

I had just jumped out of the bathroom because there's a big big cockroach in there. I'm still shivering and my heart's still irregular, and I'm still sniffling and the tears still streaming.
Never have I been so freaked out before.
Perhaps I was already emotionally affected before I even saw that thing, and it has attacked me at my most vulnerable point.

I'm the most vulnerable when I bathe because that's when I peel the mask off me and just immerse myself in some me-time and think about the past present and future. Today I was thinking about two guys who affected me greatly in my life. I was first thinking about the person whose birthday I can never remember but who always remembers my birthday. I was wondering if the scenes from Happy Birthday would play out in real life. And was also wondering if I could find a way to find out when that friend's birthday is, I was feeling so bad not knowing his birthday when he remembers mine. Then I started thinking back about rough patch. On on off off, something we've agreed to do but because of procrastination we never did started on that project. I was wondering if I could ask him to help me with that project once again.

Just at that moment, there was this black glob dropped down onto the floor of the bath. At first I thought it was a clot of blood. But then my period's almost ending already, even if I were to produce blood it won't be that big a glob. Then I saw it has legs. It was moving.

I freaked out.

I think my heart stopped beating for at least five seconds. I was that freaked out. After that moment of stunned, I jumped out of the bath. I was so afraid that that thing would follow me, I ran out of the bathroom naked. I grabbed my towel. And stood in my room clutching that towel and screamed. I knew my mother was still half asleep even at this time because I heard her using the toilet when I was still washing my face. I hastily wrapped the towel around myself and went out of my room. Leaning on the doorway outside my room, I was shivering and I don't know why the tears started streaming down my face.

I hate disturbances. Especially when I'm most vulnerable, I cannot bear any shock. At 5am in the morning, when I'm bathing especially, when I'm immersed in my own little world of me and my imagination. My heart's too vulnerable to bear any shock.

Later my mother told me that I left the shower head running. I can't even remember what I did to the shower head when I freaked out of the bathroom. She said that the cockroach was already dying. Had I sprayed hot water on it, it'll just die. But at that flash of a moment, all these thoughts weren't in my mind. I was almost wishing that if only rough patch was there to comfort me. Nothing else possibly came into my mind.

I hate it. I hate it when I'm so vulnerable and something has to attack me. Now I feel even more vulnerable. It's like it's like, I don't know...

The ironic thing is that I'm not really that faint-hearted normally. Even though I may dislike insects and never dared to catch them with my bare hands, I'm not the kind who's easily freaked out my creepy crawlies. I've bathed with lizards before, and slept with them when I was a kid staying at my grandfather's house. I've swatted bees back when I stayed at PGP. But those things were there not by surprise. I knew that they were there, or at least their appearance wasn't that sudden, and neither did it happen when I was feeling my most vulnerable.

Usually I can settle the creepy crawlies myself, armed with a bottle of Baygon, but I don't know why just now I was so rooted to the ground and crying so uncontrollably. There were so many other times when it was in the middle of the night when something would attempt to freak me out but I'd knock them out with my Baygon, if they don't die after being sprayed at, I'd spray more and drown them in a pool of Baygon, but just now, I couldn't move. My legs weren't connected to my brain. At my most vulnerable state...

I think I'm going to sleep now after enduring this painful scare. I shall have to procrastinate my work because I'm still shivering.

Another thing about me, the moment just before I sleep is also another vulnerable moment for me because I like to use the slight period before I sleep to review my life a bit and also to daydream. Just hope I won't be interrupted later when I attempt to review the agreement with rough patch regarding that aborted project. I need to try and remember some details about it. And also, I need to search my memories to see if I can remember when the other friend's birthday is exactly.

I need more me-time.
I cannot be freaked out.
I'm such a vulnerable weakling after removing my mask.