Joan the Blogger

I was at Someone's place fiddling with his computer when I saw that he had changed the hyperlink which he had linked my blog to his nick name for me. My first thought was "erm..." He had previously used a more neutral descriptive text for my blog link, that bore something of much more significance yet not too paiseh for me. With that, I wanted him to change the text description, rather, I told him I didn't like it and sought his permission before I changed the description myself.

It's not really that there is something I'm hiding, it's just perhaps I'm still a bit more apprehensive. Other than the side mentions I make of him here and there, I've never really blogged about him proper (until today, this blog post, that is), so I don't really know how to bring him into the picture and start talking about him. I don't want his friends coming to my blog here hoping to read about some sordid affair only to see that I don't even bother mentioning him, or worse, treating it as if he doesn't exist. It just feels weird to be scrutinised.

Actually, my online persona isn't that bad a person, I think, and neither is it too far off from my real person. Although some of my friends do say that I can come across more extreme in the blog, I don't really think so, because I think that I'm also a pretty extreme person in real life, only that I am only extreme to people whom I feel comfortable with. I even look pretty much the same from the photos I post and my real self even though I only put up nice pictures. I don't photoshop that much, just the occasional removing of pimples which I use conceallor in real life, and the exlarging of my teeth which I'd hide when in real life, so I can still say I'm pretty much the same person. Besides, after my computer crashed, I haven't installed photoshop yet, so I haven't been able to photoshop my pics. The pictures I have in the side bar are also sans photoshop, only that they aren't that recent photos.

I've blogged for close to four years now, and over the years I've accumulated many online friends, or friends who got to know me better through the blog. I can say pretty safely most of those who read me aren't people I know. Okay, I don't have a stats counter to verify this, but still, you get the idea don't you, those who are reading me. haha~

I love blogging. It's a platform for me to voice my opinions, for me to write about the other stuff I love, and it's also a avenue for me to put myself out in the world wide web for people to ogle. As my blog header says it all, wo xi huan. It's only because I like that's why I blog, and I blog about stuff I like to write about. I don't like to write about Someone because I think we both should have our own privacy. It's nothing big. It's like how I'd never disclose any details about Rough Patch.

It's also like how I'd never give details about myself. No addresses, only the vague, "I stay at East Coast" which is in fact a very long stretch of road from Kallang all the way to Simei. No telephone numbers, no handphone number, no home telephone number. Heck, I can't even remember my own home telephone number since no one calls me there so I don't bother giving it to anybody. No further information about my family, only that I have a family, my sister and my parents, but nothing about what they do, where they do. But they know about the existence of my blog. I gave the link to my daddie when I was in Germany on exchange and told him to go there to look at pictures. My mummie somehow has this warped idea that everytime I take a picture of something it'd go up on the blog. My sister believes that everything I write on the blog about her is me lying. I even have this friend who'd after every conversation with me end with the disclaimer, "Eh, all this I'm telling you, you better not put on the blog hor..." He somehow also has the same warped idea my mother has.

I don't blog about everything in my life. I can't, I suppose. That's why I keep a diary. Yes, I keep a diary. Actually, other than a diary, I also have a jotter book. The diary is for personal stuff, but because of the whole long drawn rough patch affair, I actually stopped entries in my diary for quite some time, but after the messy closing, I picked it up again. It's kind of surreal. It's so surreal that it makes me cringe when I read it. Really, I'd die if I find out anyone other than me reading that. I'd like die straight on the spot. The jotter book is actually for my creative stuff, but after I had the category the writer, I sort of stopped jotting down stuff in the jotter book. Most of what I'm writing now are all old ideas, nothing new, quite sad huh...

Perhaps because life for me has somewhat stabilised, so I can't really produce really heart wrenching creative ideas that I was able to do when I was much younger. Even the recent spate of writings about fuck buddies somehow has taken a more domesticated turn. Maybe I need to wreck up my life all over again to bring back the creativity cells. No way!

I think the most obvious change in my blog is the decrease of pictures posted. After I gained the horrendous 8kg, I have lost confidence in my body, and hence gradually been taking lesser photographs. Maybe i need to lose all those weight I gained to regain the confidence I've lost in taking photographs. No, I don't think I'm ugly, nor fat, just that I weight a lot more than before. It's relative, not absolute.

Yup, after all this crap, I'll just say, I'll continue blogging even if I have no readers, or no photos, or no material to blog about. I'd find a way to put stuff in the blog like songs or pictures just to keep this running. Why? Because wo xi huan~