Saturday, November 12, 2005

A Week of Sick and Pain

For the whole week, and still going strong, I've been sick (meaning 1a) and in a great deal of pain (meanings 1 and 2). In chronological order when I've been inflicted with it, I shall further describe in greater detail each of my sicknesses and pain, and unless I state otherwise, I'm still suffering from that horrible pain or sickness.

1. Rashes.
Last Tuesday I was at Sentosa. There is this part of the beach where there's a floating bridge across to a little islet, not the suspension bridge one. I was at that islet and decided to swim across over to the mainland. After I got across, I turned and tried to swim back to the islet to my friend, but I couldn't, I was swept off course towards the bridge by the current. Near the bridge, I felt something swept by my thigh and pricking it. Feeling some pain and the currents still going strong, I turned back to the mainland and walked via the bridge back to the islet. I am a good swimmer, but not a strong one, and I was swimming with contacts and didn't want to go underwater.

When I was back with my friend and could sit down and slowly admire the artwork created on my thigh, I spotted some cuts on my right knee and three pierce marks on my right thigh, they were bleeding. I also noticed some slight bruising on my right thigh, but it was slight and it didn't bleed so I didn't take much notice to it. That evening while I was having supper and lounging out with that said friend, I noticed a large patch of bruising my my right thigh, the part where previously I said there was some slight bruising. It itched a bit, but I still didn't take notice of it as I thought that that was just a bruise and since there was no external bleeding, it shouldn't be that serious.

After two days, I noticed that the bruises darkened and it seemed to be healing so I didn't medicate it. The cuts on my knee and the pierce marks on my thigh had dried and it was okay, so I thought it was only a matter of time for my bruises to heal. However, the next day I woke up to see the whole patch bright red, itching, and swelling, and there was two other marks on my left leg which I hadn't noticed before. Sensing that it was something other than a bruise, I went to see the doctor. The doctor suspected that it was either a sandfly bite (which I didn't think so) or I brushed past some weird plants (which sounded more like that case), gave me some medication and some cream.

The rashes are still on, it doesn't itch that much now, though it still itches a bit. This is how it looks like...

Picture 001
This is on my left leg. The inner side of my legs near the knee pits. Looks like little mosquite bites, but unlike mosquito bites, or sandfly bites, till today from Tuesday, it has already been 11 days. Yup... The Tuesday I meant previously was the Deepavali Tuesday hor...

Picture 002
This is on my right thigh. It might not look that bad, only because I'm using a lousy webcam camera and the brightness settings and image quality sucks. It takes up half my thigh and I've pretty long legs so that's quite a big patch of rash.

2. Sunburnt.
As per normal, after every trip to Sentosa, I'd be back with sunbruns and after a while the redness of raw skin would turn char black and then it would start peeling. But before, the redness would render my skin feeling tight and pain and itchy. And when it peels, my skin would also feel itch and dry and my whole skin would look a bit patchy from the peeling.

Picture 004
This is how it vaguely looks like on my shoulder. My burns are on my upper arms, both, and my shoulders and the upper back between my shoulders and below my neck and some more just above my bikini bottom line around my waist. That's why I was wearing either dresses or loose fitting bottoms over the past couple of days.

3. Sneezing.
Last weekend, on Saturday, I started sneezing very badly. At first I thought it was the after effects of sleeping in aircon wearing very little, I was sunbrunt mah... Or maybe the house was a bit dirty thanks to my mother slacking over the festive week, cos it ceased on Sunday, but it came back on Monday worse than before.

I had to go to see doctor on Monday. I wrote a little about it, among many other useless things in my previous post. I am not sneezing anymore now, but I still have a running nose.

4. Running nose.
Running nose comes after you sneeze. With every sneeze, mucus would ooze out of the nose, but sometimes, very often, one can also have mucus trickling down the nose even without sneezing. Even though my sneezing stopped sometime in midweek last week, my running nose continued. Until now, my nose is still running. I think it's somewhere in Siberia already. Maybe not too long later, it can run alongside the Trans-Siberian Railway and reach Moscow. And the worst thing about running noses is that the medications for it are all drowsy, so I can only eat them at night and let me sleep without having to worry about my nose, but I have to have my tissues ready by me the whole day, in school. sucks...

5. Headaches.
With all that sneezing, the blood just can't reach my head enough resulting in me having to endure splitting headaches. I once read somewhere that when you sneeze, you heart cease to beat. With my heart stop beating for that splitsecond, that also means that my heart stopped pumping blood around my body and with my other body parts, especially my head not having enough blood, wahaha... brain not working, head very pain lor...

Now my head still pain once in a while but not as bad as before. hai...

6. Fever/Flushes.
I don't have fever. Oh man... Fever is like a very stigmatised word in today's vocabulary especially after the SARS thingie and with the bird flu rampaging through the world, the word fever can cause fear in people. What I have can be considered as flushes. I always get them, especially when I am sick, or going through some sort of upheaval in my life. I would feel a sudden warmth in my head and would feel warm and stuffy and giddy.

Actually, one thing about me that most doctors don't factor in but I think it's quite an important medical condition is that my normal body temperature is slighter lower than most people. Some people, especially young children, have slightly higher body temperatures, some like me, I don't know for what reason, have lower ones. I realised this when I plotted my body temperature log as imposed on by the school during the SARS period. The average temperature is about 36.9, 37 degrees, but mine is about 36.2-36.5 degrees. So it it pretty difficult to determine when I have a fever cos a temperature of 37.4 might be fever for me but not the the doctor based on the average. But at least I don't have to bear the stigma of having a fever.

7. Sore throat.
The medical term for this is URTI or Upper Respiratory Tract Infection. I started off with feeling my throat very itchy, that was on Saturday. Then Sunday I was better. Lost my voice on Monday, Tuesday I rested. The throat was still sore, but got better by Thursday, then suddenly I lost my voice on Friday again cos I think Thurday was a very bad day for me. Today throat still cannot talk. hai...

8. Cough.
The cough came late on Monday, slight without phlegm. Then yesterday I started coughing with phlegm. Now still coughing with phlegm. The phlegm is still green in colour and thich and horrible so I guess I won't be recovering that soon. But with my spitting out every piece of phelgm I cough out, hopefully I can finish spitting out all the phlegm I have and stop coughing soon~

9. Cramps.
My period came late on Wednesday night and the whole of Thursday I was filled with pain in my lower tummy. Because I was on Paracetamol, no thanks to my headaches, I didn't dare to eat my trusted Panadol Menstrual.
As a result I was overcome by a series of almost overbearing pain. These are the times I'd feel being a girl really sucks. Even though I experience these acute cramps every month since I was 11, I never got use to them, at all.

10. Bruises, Blueblacks, Abrasions, Scrapes, and whatever you call them.
The most pathetic thing that can happen to a student would be to fall down in front of the whole lecture theatre. Luckily, it wasn't that bad for me. I was in the middle of the lecture theatre, during the break, when I fell, so half the class didn't see me. And cos it was a mess which I tripped over, and I wasn't that big a person, so I can say not many people noticed I fell over a couple of people's legs and bags onto the floor, flat. Only those people around me saw me fell. But I fell flat on the ground. wahaha~ And I was wearing skirt that day.

This resulted in...

One blueblack cum bruise cum scrape cum abrasion on my left knee...
Picture 003
These bleeding, now dried already, on top of a blueblack. This is the first time I've actually seen a blue black and bleeding over the same spot.

One bruise cum scrape cum abrasion on my right shin...
Picture 005
Yup... It's bleeding... And it looks much worse in real life.

One blueblack on my right knee...
Picture 006
It's that darkened spot there, it's not a shadow cast. And far down you can see another spot, that's the bruise on the shin.

One blueblack on the inner side of my right leg between my kneepit and and my knee...
Picture 008
It's not that clear, but it's the whole darkened patch there, not my kneepit one...
Remember I still have those horrendous cuts and rashes still on my legs, hai, I have such ugly legs now... And to think that my legs was my most beautiful asset and even my cousin said she wanted them.

One bruise cum scrape cum abrasion on my left forearm...
Picture 007
It is actually much redder than it looks.

At first after I fell, which I think was partly also cause my my headaches and flushes and me not seeing clearly and also a bit giddy, I didn't feel that much pain. I got up like I was fine, told my friends that I was fine and left the lecture theatre. I was okay until after I got back and sat down and continued the lecture. While Farrell played the film and I was watching it, I felt pain in my arm and legs. Since the LT was dark, I couldn't see my injuries until much much later. When I saw them, I was shocked beyond words. I hadn't noticed it was that serious. And they haven't healed yet. Bah...

In fact, it actually worsened on Friday and I totally couldn't walk and with me cannot even talk or breathe or do anything at all, I got out my tatami mat and lay down nice and cool and rested. It might be a placebo, or it might be true, but I believe in the healing powers of a tatami mat.
Picture 009
My trusty tatami mat~

11. Isn't ten a bit more than enough to handle liao le, do you really expect me to be that suay to have an 11th one?

I was chatting with a new friend last night. it's guy no.7 in this post. He commented a couple of thing about me. One was that he found it a bit funny that I was complaining to everybody about how pathetic I am. To put it a bit more negatively, I know some people might feel that I was trying to gain sympathy from them, just like by me devoting an entire blog entry to the subjects of my pains and illnesses, but I'm not really trying to gain sympathy. By pouring out my woes to people, is a form of release I take to ensure my sanity. If I keep everything bottled up in my mind, I'd burst. Some people don't like me. They think that I'm too straightforward, and maybe a bit overshare, that's because they are ashamed that they can't be as open about things as me, or that they are uncomfortable about hearing these overshare bits. I think that's pretty senseless. If one can not like me for that, i think that person's just a bit too shallow.

Why am I blogging about all my pains? Do I really want the whole world to know how pained am I? Do I derive pleasure from feeling these pains? The answer is I don't know, no, yes. Maybe this is a milestone in my life, being at the lowest point of my life, I need to note it down. The next time I feel low, I can read this post and remind myself that there were worse times than this and if I can pull through that, I can pull through anything else. I'm not the kind of person who gets bothered by what people think about me, so I don't really care if people care if I'm sick or dead. Maybe with the exceptions of prabably two people, whom I know are not regulars of my blog. Some little part in me wish that they might visit here some time or another to check me out and then realise that I was sick and horrid and regret that they've treated me like shit when I was already in shit. Last question, I'm sadistic, does that answer everything? To quote from a play I did this March, "Pain. Only pain can make you feel that you are living. Pain can mould you to be stronger and can let you grow up."

Another thing he noted about me was that I'm one fragile girl. It's interesting to hear what people who don't really know me that well say things about me. Am I really that fragile? Honestly, I don't know. Maybe I am not that fragile since I pulled myself through this week, but I know deep inside me is my most fragile heart, the heart that has been trampled on over and over again. And the pain...

The title goes sick (meaning 1a) and pain (meanings 1 and 2). I've included meaning number two for pain, so other than physical pain, I've also felt "suffering and distress". I pulled through my week, from the past entry, I stopped halfway. I managed to pull off that late essay by going through lots of pain and tears and rushing around the school to get an MC written for me and negotiations with my prof. I've completed the other two deadlines, with the mini-project I handed in on Friday and extremely fine piece of work, as a personal thought.

And the emotional distress. It was another hard week for me. Someone went through a period of mood swings, and when that person has mood swings I am invariably affected by it and I go through a period of distress. And with the mindfucking and all the shit, I was reduced to no more than a bag of tears. And the sicknesses didn't help at all. You know there are some friends you wish they can be there when you are happy, some when you are sad, some when you are both happy and sad, but they aren't there for you. That can of pain is worse than me falling down. And when your friend is there, but doesn't offer you any words of comfort, and instead tells you that it's time to sleep, or that there's a lot of work to do, and other things to make you feel that you are just one insignificant piece of shit, life just bleeds.

I can go through all sort of stress, in fact pressure makes me a more efficient worker. I am determined to do my work well, and I can do it. I can in fact do anything, like getting my hands on a piece of authentic MC, just to get through in life, but when face with emotions of the heart, I just one big mess of tears. I'm stupid, I'm silly, I'm ignorant, I'm foolish, I'm everything negative. I go great lengths just so that I will be upset and disappointed and get totally fucked up. Why? I don't know...

This is turning into one emo post and I don't wish for it to be so. If anyone's still reading till here, well, be thankful that your life is so much better. I've scheduled an appointment with the psychiatrist liao. Oh well...


Eunice said...

take care joanie, get well soon..!! God bless u:)

Hermit said...

that's an awful week.
take care.

and i cant get to sleep.

Hermit said...

oh yah... becareful of beaches.